WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama called on Congress to quickly pass a new fiscal stimulus package that would provide nearly $100,000 trazillion gaquillion frijillion in an effort to revive the U.S. economy, which some experts believe has entered a recession.
“Every economist I’ve ever heard of agrees what we need now is significantly more government investment to offset the negative effects of whatever it is that is happening,” Obama said at his Monday press conference. “Accordingly, I and my team of advisors have developed a comprehensive plan that will shore up our financial institutions, put jobless Americans back to work, allow everyone in a house to keep it no matter what, rescue any failing bank or business, provide a hot meal to anyone who is hungry, improve the well being of all citizens, and give a puppy or kitten to every child who wants one.
“But Congress must put ideology aside and act now in a bipartisan manner before some other even worse stuff happens,” he added, wiggling the fingers on both his hands to indicate “scary.”
Details of the plan were presented by Lawrence Summers, Obama’s top economic advisor and one of the plan’s key architects. Using a colorful chart with squiggly lines, Summers estimated that 845 jiggashillion new jobs would be created in the plan’s first year, with another 491 dubbadillion to follow over the next four years.
“Every American will be able to work two, three, four – heck, 10 or 20 jobs if he or she wants to,” said Summers. “And the best part is the income taxes generated from all these new jobs will actually pay for the plan.”
Obama emphasized that not only will all the new spending not impose any additional burdens on the middle class, the plan actually targets tax cuts toward politically favored constituencies and whomever else it seems most expedient to target.
“The American people have spoken,” said Obama. “They demand change, and I promise that I and every one of my former Clinton administration appointees will work hard to deliver that change.” He also said something about hope and sacrifice and believing.
Other highlights of the plan include:
- $43 nurpillion for job training
- $89 bibblydefrillion for community reinvestment
- $505 frappakrillion for infrastructure and public works
- $732 hominavillion for health care and education
- $986 giggitysquillion for Goldman Sachs
Some prominent voices have criticized the plan, however. “It’s a good start, but the president doesn’t go nearly far enough,” Nobel laureate Paul Krugman, Nobel-winning winner of the Nobel Prize in economics wrote today in his New York Times column. “We’re talking about the need for another $344 grillion chillion beebopaloobillion, at the very least, to get this economy moving again. Also, tax cuts for anybody: Ick.”
Congressional reaction was mixed, as House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) vowed to pass the stimulus package “even if I have to go around and push the ‘yes’ button for every member of this chamber myself, and don’t think I won’t” while some senators cautioned that more debate may be needed.
“A schlopparazillion here, a dreedilyhillion there, and pretty soon we’re talking about real money,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).
But Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was optimistic about the bill’s passage, noting that the Senate has already adopted legislation increasing the national debt ceiling to $4,000 pigglywigglyjibbityjabbityfrippityfroppitybadaboomillion.
When asked what safeguards would be put in place to ensure that none of the unprecedented $100,000 trazillion gaquillion frijillion was lost to waste, fraud, and abuse, Obama pointed behind the press corps, said “Oh my GOD! LOOK!” then quickly exited the room.