As the historical re-election of Barack Obama has forever unshackled Democrat officials from any accountability, the People’s government can finally begin to eradicate all tragedies, bad accidents, and even pure bad luck by legislating them out of existence.
Hurricane? Tax it!
Mass shooting? Make self-defense illegal!
Life not fair? Hand out some EBT cards!
Can’t wait a year for Kindergarten? Give Universal Pre-K a try!
Cruise ship break down? Create a federal board to penalize the corporation!
In addition to these advancements, we propose to introduce the Meteor Tax as a way to combat international meteors caused by American pollution, as well as an innovative source of government revenue.
Should a meteor crash onto your personal property, you will be subject to the Meteor Tax for failing to prevent it from happening, henceforth to be deposited into the Global Warming Tragedy™ fund.
If a similar Tragedy Tax existed during Hurricane Katrina, the entire catastrophe could have been prevented. The Bush administration criminally neglected to exercise this option because it hated minorities. However, with a well-meaning minority president in the White House, we have a unique opportunity to avert future tragedies by enacting the Meteor Tax.
Since meteors crashing into the United States are still rare because American-caused Global Warming has only existed since the early 1900s, we can increase the revenue by applying the Meteor Tax to any object that crashes in the U.S. or flies above it – such as shooting stars, comets, drones, UFOs, or hijacked airplanes. The opportunities are endless.
The Meteor Tax is also a job creation bonanza, as thousands of new IRS agents, astronomers, and even astrologers will be hired to handle the extra paperwork, telescopic observation, and meteor prediction.
Even if meteors remain rare, the busywork required to ensure compliance from each citizen will take many hours to complete. Whether any actual revenue is generated or not, all new federal employees will eventually join the union and vote Democrat, thereby benefiting society in general.
To amplify President Barack Obama’s chances for a third term or, hopefully, a lifetime presidency, use these tips for maximum compliance from all population sectors:
If resistance is suspected, call the Meteor Tax a “fine” instead of a tax.
If the people do not accept the term “fine,” then simply surround yourself with a group of children and refer to it as “expiration of cuts” caused by George W. Bush.
Divert attention from it long enough for the law to be passed as an executive order without congressional approval.
If anyone says “You’re crazy, you can’t stop meteors,” simply ask them: “Why are you against a black man as President?”
Call your legislators today and voice your support for the Meteor Tax! Never let a crisis go to waste!