I finished most of my cleaning and repairing of the Wildwood condo by about 3:00 pm yesterday. The plan was for me to sleep over and head back first thing this morning. Those weeds aren’t going to wack themselves. And those vegetables aren’t going to plant themselves.

I was able to get in a bike ride to the rocks at 2nd street. Wildwood virtually escaped the ravages of Sandy unscathed. Just some minor beach erosion. After the bike ride I walked a couple blocks to Munchies and got myself a Philly Cheesesteak. Then I relaxed on the deck drinking a beer and reading the delightful free local paper called The Sun. I watched the Phillies beat the Reds while finally getting back to the article I’ve been trying to write for two weeks.

Only a crazy person gets up at 5:30 am at the shore when it is sunny and 70 degrees and heads home. I committed the ultimate sin and paid for a big coffee at WaWa and was on the road by 6:40. There was virtually no cars on the road going my direction at that time in the morning.

As I was speeding along in the left lane at 70 mph on the Garden State Parkway, I came around a slight bend and…

There he was. A dumbass turtle was attempting to cross the Garden State Parkway. At least he had the sense to attempt his suicide mission before 7:00 am. Without thinking I swerved to avoid him. I don’t recommend swerving suddenly at 70 mph. You tend to not be in control for a few seconds. You are probably thinking what a nice guy I am for not crushing the turtle, but you’d be wrong. I drive a tiny Honda Insight. I was trying to avoid front end damage. With my luck he would have retreated into his shell and he would have tipped my car over.

As soon as I passed the future scene of his death, I thought how silly it was for me to swerve. That turtle has absolutely no chance of making it to the other side of a 3 lane heavily travelled 65 mph highway. It’s now two and a half hours since I passed him and he still wouldn’t be across yet. That turtle has as much chance of living through this day as  Ben Bernanke successfully exiting QEfinity without destroying the world.

The good news is that I set a new land speed record for getting home from Wildwood. One hundred and twenty miles in one hour and fifty minutes. Now for some weed wacking.


16 thoughts on “ADMIN DOES HAVE A HEART”

  1. When I was drunk, I never went to bed with any ugly turtles, but I sure woke up a few

    Admin needed new tires anyway


  2. Admin

    I write this not to criticize, but to set the record straight.

    You do not have a heart. You swerved for purely selfish reasons, to preserve your toy car.

    If you had a heart; you would have gone to the next exit, turned around, gone to the next exit, turned around, stopped at Turtle Point, gotten out of your car, risked your life by diving into oncoming traffic to save mommy turtle thus insuring that baby turtles would not become orphans that day. But, you didn’t do that. Did yeeeew?

  3. Admin

    While you were ‘not thinking’ and instead ‘reacting’, the full-fledged member of The Order of Testudines was thinking when it saw you flying around the bend, as in:



  4. Admin had a chance to reduce the turtle population and failed. Turtles waddle around, get free food, free housing, free healthcare, and are parasites on society. There are more than 100 million of ’em, and they are breeding exponentially. Your tax dollars are going to support the turtle population, and many are living for free in national parks. Time to end the free shit turtle army.


  5. I would have swerved too. I have long maintained that how a person treats animals reflects their behavior towards humans, especially those who one has power over.

  6. Don’t swerve for small animals. Lots of people have lost control of their cars trying to avoid animals and ended up dead.

    My wife was driving one evening on a four lane toll road during a steady rain. Suddenly, the head lights caught a fox standing on the right shoulder. As we got closer, the fox made a dash to cross the road right in front of us. I said to her, “Don’t move.” Wham!!!! Dead fox.

    If she would have swerved left, she would have hit a car passing us. Swerve right, and it’s off the shoulder into a ditch. Hitting the brakes hard on a wet road, and it’s anyone’s guess where the car may go.

    The previous advice may not apply to large animals such as cows, moose, bull elk, and bison. We had to come to a complete stop once in North Dakota when we came around a curve and there were about 2 dozen bison walking down the road toward us. Great photo op, though.

  7. Agree w/ SSS 100%. All comes down to risk/reward & cost/benefit ratios. Better to bite the ditch or a small tree than tangle with a moose, in most cases. Smaller animals, not so much. I won’t go out of my way to hit them, and try to miss ’em if I can, but I’ll take one out in a heartbeat if its the safest move.

    I love dogs, but not enough to jeopardize me & mine. My first wife was driving our truck, snow on a steep, downhill mountain road, with me & my infant daughter as passengers. A big dog (that routinely chased cars in this particular spot) charges out in front of the truck, I yelled “go straight, just hit him”, but she didn’t listen. Instead, she swerved to the right, into the ditch, and flipped the truck onto the driver’s side. I had to open the passenger door (they are heavy when the truck is on its side), crawl out the passenger side and haul my daughter (in appropriate car seat) out. Temp was about 10 F, so we went to the house of the dog owner, and camped out till we could get a ride, hire the local road contractor to tip the truck back over. Those old full size trucks were tough-all it needed to be road-worthy was a new driver’s door & window. That escapade cost me hours of time and what seemed like a lot of dough at the time. No one was hurt, but it could have easily been much worse. The dog was still chasing cars the next time I went by.

  8. I haven’t gone to driver’s training for years since it became pointless to choose an 8 hr class over paying the fine, back then you had a choice (I know, you can do it online now). There was a billboard in Hollywood advertising “Topless driving school, one-on-one instruction” – it was a promo for the billboard.

    Anyway, I learned from a Chip that you should bear down on a jackrabbit if it jumps in front of you. Jackrabbits kill when they make a driver swerve to avoid them. Jackrabbits are the craziest suicidal animals and provide plenty of road kill for crows and coyotes. Quail families come in second, although I recall my friend hit a coyote very early one morning – had her car out for repairs after that.


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You can add images to your comment by clicking here.