THE SHIT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN

I bet you thought this was going to be a post about the economy or financial system. Nope. It’s actually about shit. The countdown has started. I’m 50 years old and my dreaded colonoscopy is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I had to do a blog about the experience.

When I told my cat what I had to do, this was his reaction.

 

He remembered what happened to his buddy mittens.

I’m not that worried about the actual procedure since I’ll be knocked out. I’m dreading what begins at 3:00 pm. I get to consume massive doses of laxatives. I might have to use my laptop for blogging tonight.

 

My family better be aware of what is coming.

If you go to the Obamacare website to see if colonoscopies are covered, it takes you to this webpage. Great news!!! The TSA performs colonoscopies are free.

This will be me tomorrow morning.

I’m looking forward to a truly shitty experience. At least I’ll lose 5 pounds.

I’ll be sure to post pictures of any polyps they might find.

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TC
TC

You know why you have to do the human drain-o prep? Because the butt probe doesn’t have a windshield wiper!

Had the procedure about 14 years ago, and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life; waking up mid-procedure screaming in intense pain, but everyone else I know hasn’t had a problem with theirs. I’m sure you will be fine.

card802
card802

The prep wasn’t so bad, at the end I was shooting a stream of clear water out of my ass, kind of like a reverse Bidet, nothing left to wipe, just air dry.

I remember the nurse giving the first anesthesia to relax me, just before she released the second one that she said would put me under for the procedure I had a clear thought, if she fucks up, I’ll never know it.

Best nap I ever had, my beautiful wife was the first face I saw. I asked her how it all went and she said she was happy to report that the doctor did not find my head up there.

Stephanie Shepard
Stephanie Shepard
Sensetti
Sensetti

Just lay still so you don’t perforate your bowel
They will use conscious sedation you won’t remember it.

Sensetti
Sensetti

They will most likely use versed and Fentanyl for your conscious sedation.
You will be able to talk but won’t remember a Damn thing
Avalon here’s your chance

Stucky

Admin

Tomorrow may be the only time in the last five years whereby you’re actually not full of shit. :mrgreen:

Peace and Good Luck.

Stephanie Shepard
Stephanie Shepard
flash
flash

How to prepare yourself for some butt hurt….think happy thoughts and avoid pickled eggs,Slim Jim sausage, canned sardines, beer and watermelon….your welcome.

How to Prepare Your Colon For A Colonoscopy

http://ibdcrohns.about.com/cs/diagnostictesting/a/colonoscopyprep.htm

flash
flash

not being one to put much faith in anything masquerading as medical advice emanating the medical establishment due to prior experience , I wary of anything the wormy lot professes as fact….just throwing it out…make of it what you will.

Colonoscopy Not


Yes, certainly, the rationale for screening for colon/rectal cancer is that up to 90% can achieve prolonged survival if their cancer is detected in the earliest stage of development. That is the figure that is advertised. But in reality, about 65% are detected with advanced disease (stage IV) that has a dire prognosis (6% survive 5 years).

A more accurate picture of survival rates is provided by a European report. In a review of 1073 patients who had undergone surgery for colon-rectal cancer, only 31 had more than a 5-year survival rate and 7 lived more than 10 years. Rectal cancer had a 5-year survival rate of about 5% compared to 1% for colon cancer. Half of these long-term survivors had no additional treatment.

Fifth, while gastroenterologists lament that only half of the adult population that should be screened for colon cancer actually undergo colonoscopy, surveys show physicians themselves, even gastroenterologists, often don’t undergo this exploratory procedure, often saying they are too busy.

Sixth, that there is a benefit to colonoscopy is statistically remote. Since about 25% of patients undergoing colonoscopy have polyps, it would take about 4500 patients to be screened to find these recurrent colon tumors if all polyps found were malignant. However, only about 1-2 percent of polyps are malignant, so it would require over 110,000 patients to be screened to find 1134 malignant polyps and at least 3000 subsequent colonoscopies to find another 5 tumorous polyps over a 7-year follow-up period.

It is estimated 50% of people over age 60 will develop at least one polyp, and discovery and removal of polyps may give patients the false impression their life has been saved. Colonoscopy maybe saves 1 in 100 of these patients.

The American Cancer Society (ACS) set a nationwide goal to increase to 75% by 2015 the proportion of people aged 50 and older who have colorectal cancer (CRC) screening, but doctors seem to know better. A survey of physicians in Wisconsin found only 38.2% of doctors would screen a moderate-risk patient.

If there is some advantage to undergoing colonoscopy, I haven’t been able to find it.

Iska Waran
Iska Waran

Rectum? It nearly killed him!

Stucky
Olga
Olga

I refused to do the laxative and instead did a three day liquid diet with the last day ingesting only clear liquids.

And beer is a clear liquid.

Stucky

“Screening the apparently healthy potentially saves a few lives (although the National Cancer Institute couldn’t find any evidence for this in its recent large studies of prostate and ovarian cancer screening). But it definitely drags many others into the system needlessly—into needless appointments, needless tests, needless drugs and needless operations (not to mention all the accompanying needless insurance forms). This process doesn’t promote health; it promotes disease. People suffer from more anxiety about their health, from drug side effects, from complications of surgery. A few die. And remember: these people felt fine when they entered the health care system.”

————— H. Gilbert Welch, Professor of Medicine, Dartmouth

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/cross-check/2012/03/12/why-i-wont-get-a-colonoscopy/

Llpoh
Llpoh

I had a gastroscope and a colonoscopy at the same time. I sure hope they did the gastro first.

A. R. Wasem
A. R. Wasem

Cancel the standard colonoscopy and find a facility that will do a “scan” colonoscopy instead. BC-LR to all

Thinker

Here I thought that you’d already had it done and it was the reason you took some time off to deal with “family stuff” and were in such a bad mood.

Look out, TBP… if that was a bad mood, just wait till he wakes up from the real thing. 🙂

Hope it goes well, Jim.

Gayle
Gayle

The best part of a colonoscopy is when the doc says “You’re good. Don’t come back for 10 years.”

AWD

Administrator

Wake up. This doesn’t reflect you or your views. Readers do not come to TBP for this vile, hateful, hideous scatological crap.

Reading this idiocy and the comments it has invited, I am actually embarrassed for you. Your kids are going to school tomorrow with this post on their father’s website, one which held significant societal value until you allowed worthless feces take it over. I wonder how Avalon feels about it.

The true insanity of this post is that it is in full view of your readership.

MuckAbout

Good luck tomorrow, Jim. I hope they find nothing or if they do, it wants to be very minor polyp that can be “nipped” in the bud immediately.

Next thing, don’t get anesthesia. It doesn’t hurt and it’s so much fun laying there on your left side watching the TV as Gastro-man explores your innards. Relaxation and sleepy bye are totally unneeded for colonoscopy and it give them something else to charge you for. Man-up and watch it.
Besides if you’re away, you can listen to banter of the gastro-man and the nurses — hilarious!

All you will feel is periodic pressure as the colonoscope goes around corners in search of the cecum. No pain, just a gas bubble feeling.

Another plus for staying awake, when the gastro-man inserts the colonoscopy probe, if he starts bulling weeds back there (that hurts!) you can tell him to QUIT!

Have fun – from someone who has done it many time (and at my age will do it no more!)

MA

MuckAbout

That’s “awake”, not away… Sorry.

MuckAbout

As another bonus, when the procedure is over, you can just get out of bed and drive home yourself rather than have Avalon drive you.. Also, the gastroman is sure to make comments about how tough you are in front of all the teen aged nurses gathered around to view your hairy butt..

MA

AWD

Ha, fooled you. That was such an awful comment, I had to repost it.

I’ve performed colonoscopy’s. Imagine having about 8 feet of garden hose run up your ass, except everyone in the room gets to see your poop shoot. The doctor has a little button to inject air, to inflate your colon, so they can actually see past the remnants of shit that the turbo-lax didn’t clean out. Meanwhile, you are blowing farts of biblical proportions as this gas escapes your ass. It’s a disgusting thunderous explosion, like letting the air out of a balloon x 10, some of which causes giggles among the staff. As a doctor, trying to guild the scope up your ass, it’s like playing a game on the Wii, only more difficult. Just hope the doctor doesn’t find that midget you sat on at the beach.

AWD

I went to medical school for 8 years for this shit?

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AWD

You started the bowel prep MUCH too late in the day. Better get out the plastic sheets (or the depends undergarments), it’s going to be a long night.

AWD

Mr. Quinn, I’m seeing a midget here, when did he crawl up your ass?

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AWD

The people with the good insurance get the pill. It’s a little camera that takes pictures of your colon after ingestion. No roto-rooter. You should have traded up, or was it Obamacare?

gilberts
gilberts

Damn! I thought this was some update on the Ukraine, and instead I get poop. And more comments than most of the breaking news threads get, too. Nice work everyone!

AWD

Just make sure you pay extra and get the DVD of your rectal violation. You’ll be able to relive every precious moment.

Stephanie Shepard

AWD- Some doctors are stingy with video footage. I tried to get the video or photos from my surgery, I wanted to leave with souvenirs they flat out refused.

gilberts
gilberts

That last pic above doesn’t look so bad. Kind of like a fleshy Holland Tunnel.

MuckAbout

@Admin: AWD is (pardon the expression) blowing smoke up your ass. The last picture posted is what you will see if you stay awake and watch the procedure on the color TV.. Well worth it.

On the way in, they look at one side of the natural muscular ridges of your intestine, on the way out then reverse the view and look at the backside of everything.

If there’s a polyp in view – either way – they just hook a wee loop of wire around it and cut it off. The polyp will visibly go “poof” and collapse and they will biopsy the tip of it which was cut off. The odds are 100 to 1 it will turn out to be benign , caught early enough so as not to cause you problems. Ever.

Be patient with the prep. I’ve never heard of using polyethylene glycol 3350 as a prep for colonoscopy. Usually a citrate or a really tough clean out called “Go Lightly” which comes in a gallon bottle and if you’re not ill when you start taking it, you will be when you’re through. The latter “clean out” is usually used when abdominal surgery is required because, believe me, it cleans you out from top to bottom. (I had to use it for a bowl resection 20 years ago – no cancer, just extreme diverticulitis in the lower colon – look it up).

Sleep tight in between trips to the john and be sure to let us know how much you enjoyed the procedure! Ignore AWD henceforth!

MA

MuckAbout

Believe me, JQ, the prep is far worse than the procedure unless you allow them to inject you with valium and/or midazolam – known as “Versed”. Then you won’t remember a thing.. (Which is why I won’t let them use it on me for something as painless and interesting as a view of the inside of you colon!)

Versed is a marvelous medication as it totally wipes your memory of anything that happens after they squirt it into your vein. No hangover, you just go somewhere that you don’t remember – but it takes a while to wear off so if you get it, your driver will have to wait until such time as you appear conscious, conversational and go pee. (but you aren’t clear of it yet – you won’t remember a damn thing for an hour or more but will behave perfectly normal)..

In my 77th year, with a perfectly normal colonoscopy the last time through the mill, without really bad symptoms, I have seen the last of Gastroman! Anything that grows nasty in my colon is welcome to just keep growing as something else will end my love affair with life before anything in the colon can do it..

MA

Satori
Satori

my colonoscopy was a big bunch of nothing
the prep isn’t the most pleasant thing in the world
but its not that bad

miralax mixed in apple juice and a couple of dulcolax tabs
way better than GoLytely prep

and the good news is
I’m good to go until 2022 !!!

piece of mind-priceless
and with good insurance

my out of pocket for the whole thing ?

$45 to the doc
about $12 for the prep

Billy
Billy

Okay.. this thread had me laughing…

Reminded me of this little exchange a few years ago…

Me (to wife): ‘You need a drink.’

Wife: ‘I don’t want a drink.’

Me: ‘No, you NEED a drink..’

Wife: ‘Why? Why do I need a drink?’

Me: ‘To kill the bug that crawled up your ass.’

*SMACK!*

She was being sorta bitchy… I thought it was funny…

card802
card802

AWD……my God man…………..the shit you post….I’m laughing my ass off………

Iska Waran
Iska Waran

The worst part is if they quietly mock your butterfly tattoo or your anal bleach job when they ought to be happy that you’re shaved.

Econman
Econman

So, the doctors want to check if admin. is full of shit?

We already know the answer.

Bill
Bill

Be sure to get a note from your doctor, to give to your wife, to prove to her he didn’t find your head up there.

EL GORDO
EL GORDO

Satori says:

“my colonoscopy was a big bunch of nothing”

Satori, there’s $250 in it if you’ll do min for me later this month.

EL GORDO
EL GORDO

I mean take the exam in my stead.

AWD

Admin’s probably in post op now, trying to wake up from all the drugs they gave. Him and 12 other souls, discharging all that pent up gas from their colons, a cacophony, a symphony of flatulence.

AWD

Having four polyps means you get another colonoscopy in 2 years.

Nurses in the endoscopy lab have to get olfactory surgery.

Did you get the DVD?

Avalon
Avalon

Nice thread. Sorry ladies, he is all mine.

AWD

Did they chip any teeth on the backside?

El Coyote
El Coyote

It’s over; no one took me up on my offer. Just as well because they double check your information at Advanced Endoscopy and Pain Center in Lancaster. I can say the whole adventure was positive overall.
I had difficulty drinking the first half gallon of golytely until I looked online and found that someone else had added lemon crystal lite to the prep. This made it almost palatable and drank the rest easily.
My appointment was originally for 8 but they let it slip to 9 and when I got there at 8:30, they insisted I wait until 9 to sign in and they still didn’t call me in until 11.
The waiting room was composed of 25 persons; half of them white and the other half black, all of them over the age of 50. I was the lone Hispanic. While the valley is reportedly 57% Hispanic, it was not evident here. On an economic basis, this is still a predominantly white area. Young blacks and Hispanics are largely invisible. Though I am used to being ignored by whites, it is disconcerting to hold a door open for black folks and have them exit without so much as a nod, as if I were their appointed doorman. This behavior is most common in young black folk.
The young Hispanic nurse taking my information wondered if I was bullshitting her because El Coyote said he did not smoke and didn’t drink even socially. She asked if I had a history of drug use, I said no and she gave me a look. I suppose she is used to normal drug use among the young. I told her I didn’t want to be put under and she had to go consult with someone. The Indian nurse approached me; you don’t want to be put to sleep? No screaming, she said. I wanted to tell her it wasn’t my first rodeo but I finally agreed since they insisted that everyone gets sedated.
The Indian doctor positioned me and advised me to go to sleep. I felt him probe me as he inserted a bit of lube. He woke me up later and told me it was over and everything was good. See you in ten years, he said.
The nurse handed me a report card with color pictures. I told my wife when she gets hers, I will frame it.
Total cost: $15 for the Golytely

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