10 TYPES OF DOUCHEBAGS YOU MEET IN COLLEGE

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Posted on 9th April 2014 by Administrator in Economy |Politics |Social Issues

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Via Complex.com

The 10 Types of Douchebags You Meet in College

At 18-years-old, you have no money. You have no game. Your life experience is limited to getting fired from a part-time gig at the driving range and totaling your mom’s Saturn Ion junior year. In sum, you’re a lost little douche who’s still five or six years away from paying their own cell phone bill.

Besides a Facebook network and the freedom to butt chug, college offers an opportunity to reinvent yourself. For many an awkward, pigeonholed high school kid, the first day on campus is a chance to re-introduce themselves to the world. In most cases, this is an unfortunate occasion.

Grab a pencil and take notes, this is an important lesson on the 10 Types of Douchebags You Meet in College.

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10. The No-Nonsense R.A.

There’s a new sheriff in town and at 22-years-old, he patrols the fifth floor of Morris Hall in sweatpants and a pair of worn Crocs and still expects to be taken seriously. When it comes to spotting red cups, this guy has a laser-like focus that’s unrivaled. If you crank that Taylor Swift a decibel too loud, he’s kicking down your door and serving your ass with a “quiet hours violation.” When he’s not on Brazzers.com in his deluxe dorm suite, he’s following the faint stench of a bong hit through the halls like bloodhound in John Wayne Gacy’s crawl space. If there’s one thing this asthmatic virgin knows how to do, it’s regulate.

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9. The No. 1 Fan

There’s something about incurable venereal diseases and exorbitant tuition costs that creates an unyielding devotion to college sports teams, especially for the jackass chock-full of school spirit. Look, your college is already charging you $100K for a worthless bachelor’s degree, don’t degrade yourself further by sporting a neon body sock in the bleachers and bragging about next year’s “ridiculously talented recruit class.” There’s nothing more pathetic than being a groupie for teenage, amateur athletes. Get a grip, dude.

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8. The Frat-So-Hard Jackass

This is a Complex public service announcement. Before you rush a fraternity for philanthropic and beer funneling reasons, understand that you’ll spend a semester getting hazed by a college senior who’s two or three internships away from landing their first entry level job. Cleaning the vomit-soaked toilet at the Pike house with a toothbrush is hardly worth an invite to the Theta formal. Calling beers “sodies,” having a membership at LA Tan, and an affinity for dubstep remixes are not becoming of a kid who got a 29 on their ACT. Also, khaki shorts don’t always have to be paired with boat shoes. You’re in college, bruh. Think outside of the box.

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7. The Enlightened One

It’s amazing how one introductory course in environmental science can turn a 20-year-old into an Biofuels expert. The problem with college kids is that they’re ignorant to the browbeaten realities of living life in a cubicle and they have nothing but free time to get jacked up on MotherJones.com articles about oil companies. By your 29th birthday, you’ll realize that you can’t change the world, especially when your idea of “activism” is nodding along with like-minded bozos in a campus coffee shop.

The 10 Types of Douchebags You Meet in College

6. The College Bar Manager

The bar floors are sticky, the drinks are watered down, and the air is permeated with Axe body spray and petrified vomit. To the rest of the world, he’s just a college town “lifer” who extracts tapeworms from keg lines for a living. But he can pull rank to get a free round Jello shots, and that makes him intensely popular with the Tri Delts. Universities boast Nobel Prize winners and Rhodes scholars, but none of them are as popular as the guy who can pull a group freezing Kappa Deltas to the front of the wrap-around line on “Thirsty Thursday.” And that’s pretty douchey.

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5. The We-Get-It-You-Party Girl

There’s a thin line between being a fun drunk and acting like an extra in a Ke$ha video. And that line is typically crossed while chasing a handful of Molly’s with Skol Vodka out of the plastic bottle. You like to party, we get it. We just saw you gracelessly thrash about a fraternity basement to “Thrift Shop,” pee behind an alley dumpster, and now you’re crying on the phone with your high school boyfriend. After some regrettable drunk texting and a trip to the 24-hour Taco Bell, you’ll vomit in a hamper and pass out. In the morning, all you’ll have to show for yourself is a shattered iPhone screen and the sad realization that you’re an enormous douchebag.

The 10 Types of Douchebags You Meet in College

4. The Campus Tour Guide

There’s something about a khaki and polo combination that turns even the most delightful of people into instant douchebags. From Best Buy employees to dads on the golf course, and every high school football coach in between, pleats and a tuck-in are guaranteed to turn otherwise pleasant people into total cornballs.

The campus tour guide pounds a four-pack of Red Bull and tries to sell the college experience with scripted saccharine and hackneyed punchlines. After some lame team building activities and a few made up stories about campus life, you’ll have a totally superficial idea of what it means to be a Spartan or a Wildcat or whatever strange animal is your prospective school’s mascot.

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3. The One-and-Done Athlete

Your college got a blue chip prospect. Finally. While you brag insufferably about this being “state’s year!” this dude’s going to be fleecing boosters and running a foul of NCAA regulations. After sleeping his way through a semester’s worth of gen-ed’s, leading your school to a 4th place finish in the NIT, and subsequently hocking his game-worn sneakers on eBay, the NCAA’s Rule Committee is going to crater the program with crippling sanctions. While your school struggles to get back on its feet, this guy’s cashing a game check in the league and Instagram-ing his bottle service receipts. It makes us sick just writing about him.

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2. The Badass T.A.

If you go to a large school, your professor will be too busy chasing grant money to be bothered with class. So you’ll end up at the mercy of a frenzied graduate student who takes attendance and grades on a curve. Look at this guy. You can see a 40% fail rate in his eyes. Any guy brazen enough to pull off those glasses is definitely assigning a term paper over Spring Break. This can’t be life.

The 10 Types of Douchebags You Meet in College

1. The Born-Again Rager (a.k.a. The Lightweight)

There’s something to be said for getting your sea legs in high school. If one goes into college with 18 year’s worth of 8 p.m. curfews and nightly breathalyzers from their overbearing parents, all it takes is a few unsupervised nights in the dorm to turn the captain of the math team into a teenage version of David Lee Roth. This guy beer bongs and promptly projectile vomits his parents tuition money away. He texts every girl in his phone “What r u up 2?” at 1 a.m. nightly and brags about “getting totally wasted last night” like it’s a unique accomplishment. After failing his first set of finals, he’ll have to enroll in a community college near home and trade in his drunken, late night Chipotle runs for Sunday afternoon grocery trips to Costco with mom. We’d feel bad if it weren’t so funny.

15 Comments
  1. TPC says:

    The Pre-med student: Having successfully completed a 4.0 in high school, this bright eyed newbie is utterly convinced of their superiority and will introduce themselves as Premed first, followed by their name. They might get an A or 2, but will slowly limp their way towards their junior year and their first MCAT score where they will be lucky to score a 25. For extra fun, befriend them so that you can see their face when they receive their MCAT score. Take a picture of that face, and keep it with you always.

    The Non-trad Mom: She has the best handwriting in class, and the typing. At every opening she will open up with “As a mother…” and then proceed to run straight off topic as the topic at hand is almost assuredly over her head. More than likely she is older than her fellow classmates, TAs, and many of the professors. Falsely believing that the title “aging mother” grants her respect, she will argue with instructors and classmates alike.

    More than likely she’s heading to nursing school, where her natural sense of smug superiority will be quickly wiped away in the face of doctors who expect to be obeyed, and an institution where she is just a number.

    If she can survive undergrad that is.

    The Non-trad Dad: You want these in your classroom. They are a naturally stabilizing force, and through some magical ability keep any drama from exploding during the three hours you meet each week. Polite, respectful, and helpful, Non-trad Dads are often there on a GI-bill, or have more than 10 years experience in a trade. These guys are here to learn a new skill to provide for their families. Treat them well.

    An ideal classroom seeks to have one Non-trad Dad for every three Non-trad Moms, the balance will keep things from spinning out of control, and actually allow the lecture to stay on course.

    Fuck yes I’m biased, this doesn’t stop the generalization from being correct. But, to be fair I will characterize myself.

    The Waste of Space: These students consistently get lower grades than they should. They contribute little, if any, to classroom discourse, and will do the bare minimum when it comes to classwork. You get the feeling that they are only there because someone is making them, and you would be right. The Waste of Space doesn’t belong in college, but isn’t willing to leave it either.

    Generally speaking they are a destabilizing force on the classroom as their relentless sarcasm and overall laziness will frustrate classmates and teachers alike. Whats worse, they often gather The Sheep to their side, turning fully half the class from mediocrity into outright failures. In the interest of saving your classroom, look for a way to get The Waste of Space to drop your class before MidTerms.

    9th April 2014 at 11:42 am

  2. Tommy says:

    Hilarious! I needed a good laugh…….#9 and #10, boy did they strike a chord or two. My RA was a fucking bloodhound.

    9th April 2014 at 11:48 am

  3. Stucky says:

    #11 Spoiled Little Cocksuckers: Anyone attending an Ivy skool.

    #12: Future Psychopath Motherfuckers: Anyone attending a Military Academy

    #13: Actual Smart Fuckers: Community college grads who get a degree for under $2k.

    9th April 2014 at 12:27 pm

  4. michaelj007 says:

    #11 GDI (God Damn Independent)- Doesn’t want to join the fraternity b/c it’s a waste of money, so he shows up to the FRAT bars 1hr before last call to pick off stumbling sorority girls who just want some more attention from the frat du jour. Befriends the Bar Manager so he can dole out free watered down shots to underage frosh n’ soph sluts on the cheap. Patiently listens to the Enlightened One’s incessant rambling in hopes that he’ll be able to score some free weed for agreeing that “carbon tax credits and electric cars need to happen now”… and if not he’ll just take it anyway. Befriends the T.A. and acts like he’s actually interested in the course and might even switch majors- so he doesn’t have to sweat meeting the attendance requirements. Basically the world is his oyster.

    Go Noles!

    9th April 2014 at 2:32 pm

  5. ragman says:

    Stucky: bullshit! Some of my most antiwar friends are academy grads. I totally agree with your #11.

    9th April 2014 at 2:33 pm

  6. Stucky says:

    ragman

    I’m speaking in general terms. There are exceptions, such as your friends.

    9th April 2014 at 3:43 pm

  7. AWD says:

    Pretty funny. I hope they enjoy college, because there isn’t much for them when they get out. Unless they speak Chinese. 90% of the jobs are low paying service crap that anybody can fill, especially people that weren’t dumb enough to go $30,000 in debt to attend “Morrisville State College” or some other worthless diploma mill.

    A friend of mine went to talk to a medical school class the other day. She wanted to say “run, run away”, don’t go $200,000 in debt for an Obamacare job. The government has just about destroyed this country. College kids better stay in college. There’s nothing for them when they get done but a lifetime of debt, student loan debt, debt to baby boomer seniors (SS ponzi and Medicare), $17.5 trillion in national debt (soon to be $20 trillion), credit card debt, mortgage debt (if they can ever afford to buy a house), and more taxes than they’ll ever be able to pay. They’ll work hard so 112 million won’t have to.

    9th April 2014 at 4:47 pm

  8. Tommy says:

    I’ll bet the vocational tech grads are much happier than the diploma’d finance and public relations grads. I got a business degree and remember just sitting there thinking ‘how am I supposed to learn free enterprise from a state employee that gets paid regardless?’. Answer, I didn’t.

    9th April 2014 at 5:00 pm

  9. Tommy says:

    Is it just me or does that hottie #5 seem to have a damn good grip and seal on that bottle?

    9th April 2014 at 5:02 pm

  10. BUCKHED says:

    #11—-The dude who dresses like Lewis from “Revenge of the Nerds”. Think he’s him too !

    I went tot he oldest Municipal College in the country ( College of Charleston )…..We had a saying ” What’s the mating call of a Southern Girl” ? “I’m soooo drunk ” !

    9th April 2014 at 7:09 pm

  11. Zarathustra says:

    I remember mostly four types of college students:

    1) stoners who really didn’t give a fuck about college overall.
    2) stoners who did.
    3) frat types who were into disco (other than that they were an unknown species to me)
    4) kids who were there mostly to study and kept to themselves. They were mostly foreign students; a few were jews, the rest, nerds.

    9th April 2014 at 7:22 pm

  12. archie says:

    i don’t know how they got my pic for number 2 but i am much handsomer than that in person.

    i’m pretty sure that’s Zarathustra at number 7.

    9th April 2014 at 7:28 pm

  13. llpoh says:

    Ok, Sucky and Ragdouche – your comments re “anyone attending an Ivy” are duly noted.

    I am plotting my revenge. Revenge is a dish best best served cold.

    h3CCF7D98

    hDA8EB34E

    645816.png

    9th April 2014 at 8:19 pm

  14. Gubmint Cheese says:

    Only 10?

    I seem to recall a far greater number than that.

    You can even to combinations, like a 9,10,1.

    10th April 2014 at 9:35 am

  15. El Coyote says:

    I was hoping to see Bill and Hillary’s college pic here.

    10th April 2014 at 9:16 pm

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