Posted on 22nd May 2014 by Administrator in Economy |Politics |Social Issues

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We can’t start summer without a re-posting of my Wildwood classic from three years ago.


I bet you’ve been waiting for another cat story. Well this one doesn’t involve my dumbass cats. The start of my vacation didn’t exactly go the way I wanted. I worked until 5:00 pm last Friday. Avalon headed down with the kids and the cats earlier in the day. I had to go pick up my mother and her fat cat after work to bring them down. I bet you are all jealous. Avalon, my three kids, one friend, one girlfriend, a mother, and three cats in my one floor condo. Sounds relaxing, doesn’t it.

My mother’s cat is the size of a freaking house. She says he is just big boned.

white fat cat

We had to practically pry him into his cat carrier for the 2 hour trip to Wildwood. This cat never meows, according to my mother. Well, from the second I put him in my little Honda Insight, this cat never shut the f#$k up. He meowed non-stop the entire trip. We figured out why he was meowing about 45 minutes into the trip when the aroma of cat piss started wafting through my very tiny car. This was supposed to be the start of my relaxing vacation and my blood pressure was rising by the second.

We arrived in Wildwood with a fat dumbass cat covered in his own piss. This is where the story gets surreal. My crazy ass mother decides to get the hose and spray the cat down in his carrier. Not the brightest move of all time. She now had a fat, urine soaked, wet, panicked cat in the carrier. I ignored the festivities as I lugged luggage into the house. I brought the carrier onto the deck.

You were probably wondering how Section 8 housing in the title of the article could be involved in a story that takes place at a shore resort, a half a block from the Atlantic Ocean. I’ll address the Section 8 aspect later, but for now you need to know that a black family consisting of a 50 year old guy that doesn’t work, his 350 pound loud mouth wife, her 75 year old mother with a walker, and a teenage dullard live in the condo unit next to ours year round. That’s right. No one in the house works and they live at beach resort year round.

Evidently, they don’t like to waste their government money on air conditioning. They leave their front door completely open so that you can see them in their living room and kitchen. Well, they used to leave their door open until the crazy old lady and her fat cat incident. My mother had her knee replaced five weeks ago. She isn’t the most mobile 75 year old and she sometimes doesn’t show much common sense. She decided to dry Fat Moe with a towel before letting him inside. One problem. Fat Moe was in panic mode and as soon as my mother unhooked the carrier, Fat Moe made a beeline into the black family’s house. The old guy thought it was rabid possum. Without introducing herself, my crazy mother ran into their house after Moe. The 350 pound lady screamed because she is afraid of wet urine soaked cats. In the meantime, I continued to lug bags up the stairs while muttering under my breath – DUMBASS.

The cat ran into the dullard teenager’s room and hid under the bed. My mother, with her new knee, spent 20 minutes trying to get fat Moe out of their house. She eventually succeeded. Moe still smelled like piss, so my mother and Avalon grabbed him and threw him in the tub and washed him down with Victoria Secret shampoo. He looked like a fat drowned rat and they decided to blow dry him. My mother held him and Avalon used her blow dryer on him. He liked it.

Later, on the deck, the 350 pound lady asked if my mother was alright, inferring that she was crazy. Not far from the truth. By the end of the night, Fat Moe was the best smelling cat in Wildwood.

Section 8 at Beach Resorts?

My condo is one of 7 units located a half block from the beach in Wildwood. They were built in 2001. One guy bought 3 of the units pre-construction as an investment. His name is Pete. He owns one of the largest blueberry farms in NJ. He shall be known as Fat Pete for the remainder of the story, as he weighs approximately 500 pounds. He sold me our unit in 2004 and sold one of his other units later. He continues to own the unit next to mine. For awhile, he let friends and family, use his unit. But, as the real estate market imploded, he has been left owning 9 different investment properties in Wildwood. He needed cash flow. This is where the story gets interesting.

I have very little understanding about Section 8 housing. Here is a description:

 Section 8 of the United States Housing Act of 1937 (often simply known as Section 8), as repeatedly amended, authorizes the payment of rental housing assistance to private landlords on behalf of approximately 3.1 million low-income households. It operates through several programs, the largest of which, the Housing Choice Voucher program, pays a large portion of the rents and utilities of about 2.1 million households. The US Department of Housing and Urban Development manages the Section 8 programs. The Housing Choice Voucher Program provides “tenant-based” rental assistance, so an assisted tenant can move with assistance from one unit of at least minimum housing quality to another. Section 8 also authorizes a variety of “project-based” rental assistance programs, under which the owner reserves some or all of the units in a building for low-income tenants, in return for a Federal government guarantee to make up the difference between the tenant’s contribution and the rent specified in the owner’s contract with the government. A tenant who leaves a subsidized project will lose access to the project-based subsidy.

Somehow, Fat Pete got approval to turn his unit into Section 8 housing. He is evidently receiving $2,000 per month in rent from you and me so that this family of “poor” people can live year round in a beach resort, one half block from the Atlantic Ocean. I’m positive that there are multiple Social Security disability payments pouring into their bank account. The 350 pound loud mouth is surely disabled. She parks her car in a meter spot for free because she has her little disability tag. When did being a pig and being grossly overweight become a disability? The old lady with the walker is definitely getting a payment. I don’t know what scam the 50 year old dude has going, since he is clearly able bodied. He sits on the deck reading the paper and drinking beer. They probably get something for the dullard.

As the country spends $4 billion per day more than it brings in, how many of these scams are going on across the land? This shit needs to end. These lowlife deadbeats need to work and earn a living rather than suck off the teat of state. Yeah, we need massive cuts in the military. We need to crush the banks. We need to scrap the tax code. But, we need to throw lazy pieces of shit out of their cushy resort living fantasy land too. As you slave away at your 8 to 6 job trying to make ends meet, remember that you are paying your taxes so that lazy freeloaders can live in a beach resort for free.

So concludes my story about a fat dumbass cat, a crazy old lady, and Section 8 at the beach.


  1. AwholeDr says:

    “Avalon, my three kids, one friend, one girlfriend, a mother, and three cats in my one floor condo. Sounds relaxing, doesn’t it”

    You brought your girlfriend along with your wife and kids? Damn, that takes a pair.


    4th July 2011 at 2:26 pm

  2. Pirate Jo says:

    Funny!!! Great storytelling, Jim.


    4th July 2011 at 2:44 pm

  3. [email protected] says:

    You are not sympatico with cats, the cats know this, and, I hate to break it to you, the cats are WINNING!

    Cat ownership ie analogous to tax payer support for the FSA: You do all the work, take care or the damned cat becuz of your innate kindness (or Avalon will kick your butt) and the ungrateful thing just sits around, eats the food you provide and will probably pee or crap in your shoes.

    FSA or cats, some tough love is in order.

    Hope the rest of your vacation is better..


    4th July 2011 at 2:51 pm

  4. Welshman says:

    Sound like “Wildwood Vacation” starring Chevy Chase.


    4th July 2011 at 2:53 pm

  5. Me No Likey says:

    I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I will not allow myself to comment on the glamorous upscale neighbors, the “slimming down” and/or “trimming” landlord (is it just me, or didn’t trim used to refer to something that happened to hedges, or bushes, maybe?), or comment on our wonderful generous government providing “cash aid” (welfare is so yesterday) to these folk (no. do not call them “folks”. it’s now “folk” (you didn’t know? where *have* you been? these enriching people are folk because, if sounds so much more…more…oh god, i don’t know; ask me later).

    I won’t allow myself to comment because if you can’t say something nice…well, you’ll spend the rest of the day writing a comment/rant…and one does have to get going and go shave eventually.

    that said, the rest of the story was Brilliant. Hysterical.


    4th July 2011 at 3:02 pm

  6. howard in nyc says:

    i thought all jersey shore section 8 housing was funneled to Asbury Park.

    you sure your 350lb neighbor screamed out of fear for urine-soaked cats, or fear of crazy 75yo irish ladies?

    and the cat braying throughout your drive to the shore? big set of pipes on that cat, that you could even hear it from the trunk.

    and just for balance. remember, those welfare payments are not just for your neighbors. (excuse me; social security disability allowances.) that section 8 kaish also bails out fat moe. and fat moe’s bank. trickle-up keynesianism.

    not to justify my taxes going for that shit. rather, two more reasons for me to hate this particular redistribution. shit, without this scheme, maybe i could buy that condo from moe’s bank. and rent it to jimbo, as the girlfriend+cat annex to his vacation palace.


    4th July 2011 at 3:27 pm

  7. howard in nyc says:

    my apologies. i confused ‘fat moe’ with ‘pete’. but a blueberry farmer who speculates on oceanside real estate at the peak of the real estate bubble–fat moe is a much better name for him.

    make a note for the movie/sit com version.


    4th July 2011 at 3:30 pm

  8. SSS says:


    Damn, that started out funny. Best line, “The old guy thought it was a rabid possum.”

    Then you had to go and spoil it with the Section 8 story. G-r-r-r-r-r.


    4th July 2011 at 3:35 pm

  9. Kill Bill says:

    A lady who flipped houses, couldnt sell it, then turned it into a section 8 rental. A rather risk free income.

    Its what many house flippers are doing since the housing crash.

    I dont know which is worse the people who want the government money or the renter.


    4th July 2011 at 3:36 pm

  10. AwholeDr says:

    Isn’t section 8 also the military discharge for insanity?

    Whatever you may call it, getting free housing at a resort condo is insane. I suppose only fools will live in squalor when they can live at the beach for free instead. They have obviously been spending their SNAP benefits well. The problem is too many people are making money off these people. The fat landlord, the food stores, the employees administering their “benefits”, the lawyers that got 30% of their back pay when they got disability. The pharmacies that supply their meds (their doctors don’t make enough on them to break even). This is a huge cottage industry.

    At some point, everyone who is aware of this situation and still works and pays taxes will realize they are the bigger fool and will try to get what they are getting: free everything. Then again, most people never have direct contact with people like this–thank goodness, otherwise, nobody would go to work every day.

    You can get disability for just about anything: arthritis, back pain, depression, anxiety, diabetes. The government is now “fast tracking” disability recipients; everything is done over the phone. The top income rate is $30,000 per year while on disability. I see “disabled” people all day long. I get so pissed I sometimes ask them straight out: “you can’t work?” Blank stares ensue. When you total it all up: free housing ($2000 per month), free money (up to $30,000 per year), free food (up to $1500 per month), free meds (up to $1000 per month), you quickly get to more than $60,000 per year. It’s the new middle class. To bad the working middle class is falling into poverty. 6 million people are on disability, with 2 million waiting to get in. The best entitlement program there is.

    Sounds like it’s time to sell your property and move someplace else. Oh wait, banksters have destroyed the real estate market. Maybe get yourself a lawyer and file for disability. No more mortgage payments. Get yourself a SNAP card and start sitting on your ass for a living.

    That picture is the new American family. Not the black part, but the obese part. How much do you have to eat to get that fat? It doesn’t matter where you go in the U.S., there are obese people everywhere, and most people are obese. Ugh, it’s so disgusting. Let’s just eat another couple of pizzas, watch some Jersey shore, and get our money deposited into our accounts from Uncle Obama. Life is good in the ‘ol U.S.A.

    Enough rant. Why the hell would any sane white man bring a cat on vacation? You got what you deserved. Even your mom’s cat is obese, what’s this world coming to?

    I’m going to the gym to exercise, so I don’t get fat. Being fat is bad, or so I learned when I was young. I guess I haven’t properly kept up with the times. I like the endorphin rush. Free drugs. Ya should try it sometime.


    4th July 2011 at 3:40 pm

  11. howard in nyc says:

    AwholeDr says:
    “Enough rant. Why the hell would any sane white man bring a cat on vacation?”

    hey, that’s racist! i’d never bring a friggin cat to the beach, and i’m a crazy nig–, um, a crazy black man.


    4th July 2011 at 3:44 pm

  12. newsjunkie says:

    Hilarious, glad you survived. Certain cats, you know, would not have let you live to tell that tale.


    4th July 2011 at 3:47 pm

  13. AwholeDr says:


    It’s fun to make fun of white people when your a white person. Black people are smart enough not to bring their cats anyplace except to the Chinese restaurant for roasting.


    4th July 2011 at 3:48 pm

  14. AKAnon says:

    Funny story, Admin. Glad you lived it and not me. The cat incident brought back childhood memories-when my mother was drunk one night, she insisted that my father wash the cat in the kitchen sink. Cat did not care to be washed. I remember my dad holding it by the head, yelling he was tearing its head off (The cat lived, but it was pissed off). In my family “washing the cat” is an expression to describe an act of extreme stupidity combined with futility. Thanks for the memories.


    4th July 2011 at 3:57 pm

  15. Buckhed says:

    Too funny Jim…I agree those fat bastards need to work instead of sucking off the government tit. Hell put them to work for LLPOH…he’ll get their asses in gear in no time !!!!!!!! LOL


    4th July 2011 at 4:08 pm

  16. efarmer says:

    Buckhed says:

    “Too funny Jim…I agree those fat bastards need to work instead of sucking off the government tit. Hell put them to work for LLPOH…he’ll get their asses in gear in no time !!!!!!!! LOL”

    From the sounds of it they wouldn’t make it through the first day.



    4th July 2011 at 4:54 pm

  17. Administrator says:

    To be fair, Fat Pete’s previous Section 8 crew were white trash, that dealt drugs. Our condo association got them kicked out.


    I kid you not, but there are places on the boardwalk selling chocolate covered bacon.

    Avalon and I did a double take walking on the boardwalk when we saw a pizza with french fries on top and cheeze whiz on top of the fries in the display window of a pizza place.


    4th July 2011 at 5:05 pm

  18. Buchjoe says:

    Way cool. So when can I visit, and can I bring my dog?


    4th July 2011 at 5:51 pm

  19. Muck About says:

    Now I know why I made a vow never to go back through New Jersey on any route. LOL..Cried a little bit a the futility of it.

    IF you wanted to sell the condo, what would you put on the form that asks “Are there any known problems with the property that would effect the new owner?”

    How much would you get for it? Or would you have to pay to get rid of it.

    Final observation: The FSA is EVERYWHERE!



    4th July 2011 at 5:55 pm

  20. AwholeDr says:


    Chocolate covered bacon? sounds yummy. Thats one of the funny stories I’ve read in a long time. Do ya ever watch man vs. food? It’s obscene, no wonder obesity is spreading faster than cancer.

    I hear there’s a Chinese restaurant in Philly that makes a mean KUNG POW KITTY:

    Your moms would serve a whole football team.


    4th July 2011 at 7:19 pm

  21. ragman says:

    Admin: Chocolate covered bacon? Only in Jersey!


    4th July 2011 at 7:37 pm

  22. FTL says:

    That kitty instead of going out at night and catchin’ rats and mice has been sneakin’ into Mc Donalds and chowin’ down on tooooo many of those triple decker Big Macks with extra cheese.


    4th July 2011 at 7:44 pm

  23. Administrator says:


    He’s big boned.


    4th July 2011 at 9:49 pm

  24. Shadows says:

    Chocolate covered bacon? Who the fuck would eat something like that? Probably the same bovine subhumans that consume Krispy Kremes donut burgers, or KFC’s Double Downs, or maple bacon sundaes. And people wonder why healthcare costs are out of control… well, imagine that, if you subsidize the cost of something there is no incentive to reduce it.


    5th July 2011 at 10:13 am

  25. AwholeDr says:

    Every red-blooded American male loves a little wet pussy….


    5th July 2011 at 10:37 am

  26. Opinionated Bloviator says:

    If the United States government was an animal it would be that cat in AWholeDR and Admins article above…

    Or one of those bloated rodents used in medical experiments…

    If it was a person it would be Mr Creosote…


    6th July 2011 at 1:10 am

  27. matt says:

    I agree that whatever financial deal is made on the debt ceiling that not only the top tier (wall street, banks, ceo’s) get hammerered but the snap/welfare/section 8/ wic and disability scams need to be ended as well. Will we even have a middle-class by 2012?


    6th July 2011 at 10:10 am

  28. StuckInNJ says:

    We all might be too worried about the WRONG fat cat bitches.

    See the blond in the pic below? She is one of two Morgan Stanley wives who got TWO HUNDRED TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS in free bailout money!! WHy aren’t these cunts in jail????


    Story is here;


    6th July 2011 at 10:51 am

  29. Robmu1 says:

    And yet you passed up the opportunity to drive 15 minutes up Ocean Drive to drink my beer.


    11th July 2011 at 3:41 pm

  30. matt says:

    Give your cat a tattoo and change it’s name to Snooki, Jersey Shore bitchez!


    10th March 2012 at 9:44 pm

  31. KaD says:

    I live with a dog and a cat; and I’d much rather have a cat. The cat at least catches bugs. The dog does nothing of any use or value. You can have a cat and still have a life. We went camping, left food and water for the cat, it was fine. Having a dog is like having a retarded child. You can’t leave it alone for long; certainly not for a weekend. You have to feed it and wipe its ass clean. It costs a hell of a lot more to keep a dog than a cat. I just don’t get what the appeal is.


    10th March 2012 at 9:52 pm

  32. Anonymous says:



    10th March 2012 at 9:57 pm

  33. matt says:

    Did you take the dog with you on the camping trip?


    10th March 2012 at 10:24 pm

  34. AWD says:

    Who’s that AWholeDr Asshole?

    Brings back memories. Why is the past always better than the present?


    10th March 2012 at 10:49 pm

  35. Administrator says:

    AWholeDr Asshole


    11th March 2012 at 9:39 am

  36. AWD says:

    That’s a picture of Lipoh and DaveL. He’s pciking some tasty peanuts out of DaveL’s ass.

    This is more like me, sans the pain killers.



    11th March 2012 at 11:25 am

  37. Lynn says:

    Good story until it got political. Then you alienated me.


    13th May 2012 at 11:54 pm

  38. AWD says:

    One of my favorite posts of all time.

    I hope there’s a part two. Given admin’s luck, I don’t that is out of the question.


    22nd June 2012 at 3:11 pm

  39. Wyoming Mike says:

    Still love it!!!


    22nd June 2012 at 3:52 pm

  40. Muck About says:

    Hmmmmmm.. Someone besides me made that comment above – how in hell did they get passed Word Press log in and abscond with my avatar as well?

    I thought the story was hilarious and, as almost always a great start for your weekend, Jim.

    But I didn’t write that comment above. Curious..



    22nd June 2012 at 5:05 pm

  41. Muck About says:

    I was even about to give it an upcheck, which Word Press prevents you from doing on your own posts..

    Who’s the snarf that stole Muck About’s little pig????



    22nd June 2012 at 5:07 pm

  42. DaveL says:

    I suggest you get a rooster and teach it to piss on the cat.


    22nd June 2012 at 5:37 pm

  43. KayGeeJay says:

    Admin, You sure it was the cat?


    22nd June 2012 at 6:01 pm

  44. Muck About says:

    Hey Stucky! Where you at and what are you doing? It’s really good to see Stucky in NJ even though you likely aren’t there (unless Ms. Freud had a change of mind!)

    Tell All!



    22nd June 2012 at 8:23 pm

  45. Chicago999444 says:

    Admin, you need to put together a television sitcom based on your Wildwood resort “community”.

    Your crazy mom, the fat mad cat, your girlfriend, your wife, your kids, and your neighbors.. all great material.

    Great story.


    22nd June 2012 at 8:37 pm

  46. Mary Malone says:

    A real classic.

    On par with I Love Lucy in the chocolate factory.

    Thanks for the laughs.


    22nd June 2012 at 9:56 pm

  47. SSS says:

    @ Muck

    Up to a point, the comments posted above are over a year old, mine included. Same goes for Stucky’s comment. Proof? Note AWholeDr (old screen name, thus old comments) is now morphed into AWD (new screen name, thus new comments to this old post).

    Ergo, your recent query “Hey Stucky! Where you at and what are you doing? It’s really good to see Stucky in NJ even though you likely aren’t there (unless Ms. Freud had a change of mind!)” is directed at someone who bailed out months ago, although he may have recently reappeared as Chatham Police or other alias screen names.

    Still with me? Good. Glad to be of service.

    TBP’s Preeminent Sleuth,


    22nd June 2012 at 11:27 pm

  48. Novista says:

    Nice change-of-pace fun, Jim. Chicago is right, great TV series.


    Hmmm, I think you entered that way. Where did you park the UFO?


    23rd June 2012 at 12:41 am

  49. Welshman says:

    Yes still good rant, and the one where the cat swallowed the fishing tackle line.


    22nd May 2014 at 3:54 pm

  50. IndenturedServant says:

    Makes me laugh every time! It’s hard to hate on the fat dude that doesn’t work because he’s the guy who shut your water off when the pipes froze right?

    We’re off to Boise, Ketchum and Cascade ID for a week or so. I’m going to try driving an old logging road that parallels Hell’s Canyon on the Snake river for about 30 miles with 5000 to 6000 foot sheer drops to the river below. Last time I barely even saw another human so it should be nice!


    22nd May 2014 at 5:39 pm

  51. Administrator says:


    Have a great time.


    22nd May 2014 at 5:46 pm

  52. T4C says:


    Wear proper shoes.


    Obey the speed limit.


    And you and the Mrs. have a lovely time.

    Hell’s Canyon



    22nd May 2014 at 6:17 pm

  53. T4C says:

    oops. I repeat, obey the speed limit.



    22nd May 2014 at 6:18 pm

  54. T4C says:

    whatever…..just obey the fucking speed limit okay?


    22nd May 2014 at 6:19 pm

  55. IndenturedServant says:

    T4C says:
    “whatever…..just obey the fucking speed limit okay?”

    On the logging road portion I have to take a chain saw to cut the trees that met their fate this past winter so speed is not a problem. You also have examine any washout portions for weakness that might cause a slide when you drive over or through it.

    I’ve been on the Snake river in Hells Canyon fishing for sturgeon when the river was 20′ above flood stage and both the river and canyon are magnificent but nothing beats the view from the rim above. The Seven devils Range is on the Idaho side and is more than 8000 feet above the river. The Grand Canyon isn’t even that deep! Seven devils also runs along the Salmon river canyon and the highway runs right next to it for quite some distance. The road is excellent and with the long, sweeping turns and curves you can run the whole length at 80-100mph with hills rising thousands of feet on both sides.

    I’ll be taking the slow poke route though on the west (Oregon) side of the canyon and the roads are terrible with lots of frost heave damage. They don’t even bother to paint road markings up there because the winters are so severe.

    If any of you monkeys ever make a trip out here to the ID, WA, MT, OR area let me know and I can turn you on to some areas so beautiful and breathtaking it will just make you cry.


    22nd May 2014 at 7:37 pm

  56. Rise Up says:

    Mo’s Bacon Bar – $7 at Wegman’s grocery:



    22nd May 2014 at 8:40 pm

  57. Rise Up says:

    @Indentured: “I’m going to try driving an old logging road that parallels Hell’s Canyon on the Snake river for about 30 miles with 5000 to 6000 foot sheer drops to the river below.”

    That brings back scary memories of the time I took my ’73 Chevy Custom 4×4 stepside pickup with a 4″ lift kit down an unpaved backroad into Hell’s Canyon. The truck started bouncing on the buckboard road ever closer to the cliff–man was that a close one–had to hit the brakes just right (gingerly) and get the tranny into 2nd gear. No guardrails either! Going back up was no problem. Beautiful country! I miss the northwest.




    22nd May 2014 at 9:01 pm

  58. IndenturedServant says:

    Riseup, I know it’s not but that switchback looks like the old White Bird pass in Idaho. Whitebird was the site where despite being outnumbered 2 to 1, the Nez Perce Indians massacred the US 1st Calvary. This whole area is magnificently beautiful and steeped in history. I’ll be heading down the west side of the Snake to Wallowa Lake where Chief Joseph’s father was buried.

    Driving these back roads is great but you really need to be careful. I’ve been in situations like the one you describe both as a driver and passenger. My brother and I went Chukkar hunting one morning and parked on top of a steep ass hill. We didn’t realize the ground was frozen and headed off to walk the terrain. When we got back the truck had slid into a precarious position as the ground thawed and turned into something akin to snot. It took quite a bit of butt puckering maneuvering to get turned around. Once headed in the right direction the truck would just slide downhill sideways until we hit a rock or sage brush and then it would tip up onto two wheels while our ass cracks desperately tried to grip the seat fabric. We even had to open the passenger side (uphill) door and I had to lean my fat ass way out to try to keep the truck from tipping. Not fun. However, you’ll never feel more alive than right after experiences like that.

    I just got the cold sweats writing about that experience. I’m not afraid of dieing, I just don’t want to be beat to death in the cab of a truck rolling sideways down a mountain.


    22nd May 2014 at 11:14 pm

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