Go ahead, make fun of soccer. Never mind that 2 billion people will be watching it. Go ahead and tell me about “bread and circuses” …. as if you don’t have your favorite entertainment distraction. Surely — “don’t call me Shirly!!” — SOMEONE here played ute soccer, or have their own offspring-utes playing soccer …. not to mention all our overseas guests, and folks like El Burrito (go Mehico!!)
So, I actually created a Bracket Group on ESPN. It’s called “Village Idiots”, (really) and the motto is “Start the damn revolution”. You can use your SAME name as in the basketball bracket, otherwise, just create one on ESPN. It’s fast and easy. You can fill out as many brackets as you want. There’s no password. Just click the link below;
http://games.espn.go.com/world-cup-bracket-predictor/2014/en/group?groupID=40417
Just one quirk. If (and that’s a BIG if) you enter, you must choose ALL the teams for EACH round before going to the next round. That’s because, unlike basketball, not every team stays in the same group. Only the winner of a group stays in the same group, the second place team in a group goes to another group. It sounds complicated, but it’s not. Again, just complete each round in its entirety before going to the next round.
If you want to play, but you’re a Soccer Moron … here’s a little insider help for you.
First of all, do NOT judge a team according to the seedings. The seedings (and, rankings) are determined by FIFA, and it’s a complete and utter joke, trust me. So, below are the Groups, their ranking by the much more reliable Soccer Power Index (SPI), their chances of winning it all, and some Stucky commentary.
Note: The “odds” is an unusual and complicated system by oddsshark.com — about as reliable as any odds-maker out there. What you need to know: The LOWER the number (even into negative territory), the HIGHER the odds of that team winning it all.
First, here is a pictorial representation of the teams.
Teams below are listed in order of SPI ranking. The format is — (Team — SPI Ranking ——— Odds of Winning)
Group A
Brazil ………. 1 …… -400
Mexico …..… 26 ….. 900
Croatia …….. 31 ….. 800
Cameroon … 39 ….. 2500
BRAZIL — MORTAL LOCK!! Not enough that they’re the #1 team in the world, they are playing in front of wild-assed crazyfuk fans. They will get ALL the calls. Home field advantage in soccer is worth a .58 goal advantage … a HUGE number. They’re going to the FINAL game. You’re a dumbass, or fanatical fan of another team, to believe otherwise. Very many experts believe they should just give Brazil the trophy now, and be done with it.
MEXICO — Second place (the other team going to the next round) is a tossup between Mexico and Croatia. Mexico has been HISTORICALLY disappointing in the World Cup. They’ll have a big advantage over Croatia if the playing conditions are hot and humid. Croatians will have the advantage if there’s a head of lettuce growing on or near the playing field. I’m not picking Mehico to advance. I hope this pisses off El Coyote.
CROATIA – The Croats have one of soccer’s best midfielders, Luka Modric, who starts for the best team in the world, Real Madrid. The White House was built with Croatian limestones. Da boyz got stones. Pick ‘em.
CAMEROON — “Cameroon” comes from a Portuguese phrase meaning Shrimp River. It’s also Austrian for “No fucking way.”. The only ting they’re leaving Brazil with is the clap.
Group B
Spain ……..…… 3 ..….. -135
Chile ……..……. 5 …….. 225
Netherlands …. 9 ……. -400
Australia …..…. 53 ……. 3300
SPAIN — Mortal Lock. Probably the best team, top to bottom. A roster filled with All Stars. The Spanish team as currently constructed is considered one of, if not the best, national teams of all time. They won the last two Euro titles as well as the 2010 World Cup. The players can walk on water. The coach once fed an entire stadium, even though he had only 5 tacos and 2 sardines in his lunchbox.
CHILE — They are VERY long and skinny. Oh, wait …. that’s their country. Don’t underestimate this VERY good team …… except …. their star midfielder, Arturo Vidal, is just recovering from knee surgery. Without him playing very well, they’ll have a tough time taking 2nd place from the Netherlands.
NETHERLANDS — Was in the last WC final against Spain … where they played like cheap dicks. Even their own legendary player, Johan Cruyff, said they played “ugly, vulgar, hard, hermetic, hardly eye-catching, hardly football style”. Haven’t been playing great lately, getting trounced in the Euro 2012 tournament. If they can pull their dicks out of the dyke, they just might advance.
AUSTRALIA – Get some Brazilian pussy. Go home. Call it a good outing.
Group C
Colombia …..… 6 ….. -150
Ivory Coast ….. 18 ….. 400
Greece …….….. 23 ….. 400
Japan …………. 32 ….. 900
COLUMBIA —- Yet another very strong South American team. Many have Colombia as the tournament’s best underdog. Many years ago USA played Columbia in the WC. Some player scored an “own goal”. About two months after he returned to Columbia, he was murdered. Colombian players have a lot of incentive to not fuck up.
IVORY COAST — ANY of the other teams can advance to the next round. But, this team only appeared in two WCs and never advanced out of group stage. Not that it matters, but they make great soaps which float.
GREECE — 55% of the utes in Greece graduate with a four-year college degree, which is the highest rate in the world. 25% of them are unemployed and have beautiful hair. In ancient Greece, after a goal was scored, the opposing players would fuck their goalie in the ass. That’s all I know about Greek soccer.
JAPAN — I really don’t like Japs. They’re still hunting and killing whales. That wasn’t good enough for them, so now they want to kill everything in the Pacific Ocean. Plus, their women’s team beat the USA in the last WC final. Fuck Japan and their slanty eyes.
Group D
Uruguay ……. 8 ….. 180
England ……. 10 ….. 225
Italy ……..….. 13 ….. 150
Costa Rica …. 25 ….. 5000
URUGUAY — Jeezus, how many very good teams are there in SA?? But, this is a really tough group. However, they have waaay to many fuckin’ “U”s in their name. No country with that many “U”s has ever won it all. They rely on two super-duper players …. the rest of the team is rather average. They went as far as the semis in the 2010 WC, and won the 2011 COPA. They also lost to crappy teams. Which team shows up, nobody knows.
ENGLAND –— Is there a MORE historically disappointing team in the WC? Well, is there, punk? NO!! The Brits invented a word to describe their soccer teams …. WANKERS. I’m not picking them, evah.
ITALY — A historic European powerhouse. This year’s team is comprised largely with the same players from the last WC, four years ago. Translation … this team is OLD, in terms of soccer. They’ll advance, but only because Costa Rica sucks, and England Wankers always fuck up.
COSTA RICA — This country is sandwiched between Nicaragua and Panama, and yet somehow they don’t give a shit about baseball. Dumbasses. They also don’t care about soccer, and they have zero chance of advancing.
Group E
France ……..….. 7 ….. -125
Ecuador ……….11 …… 350
Switzerland …..22 ….. 250
Honduras ……. 33 ….. 3300
FRANCE — True story, google it; “French foreign intelligence services bombed Greenpeace’s ship, the Rainbow Warrior, on July 10, 1985. The ship was targeted to prevent it from interfering in French nuclear testing in the Pacific.” They BOMBED Greenpeace!! Why? Cuz the Greepeace ship had no guns. I don’t like the French. I’m not going to do a search to give you all a little tidbit. I don’t give a shit about that country. Arrogant little fuckers think swapping spit was their invention!
ECUADOR — Krist Almighty, another very good SA team. No analysis. Fuckit. I’m not picking them. Why? Cuz no way in hell will ALL South American teams advance. I gotta pick a scapegoat loser. Might as well be Ecuador. They’re used to it.
SWITZERLAND — This is the most interesting team in the entire field. German coach, several Germanic players = Germany Light. An interesting tidbit; unlike most teams, this team does not have a single “superstar”. If you like team-play, you’ll love this team. They lost only 1 of 18 games in qualifying. The Under-17 World Cup is an excellent indicator of a team’s future success. The Swiss won the 2009 Under-17 World Cup. You know who won the last World Cup? Spain. Do you know who was the only team to beat Spain? Yup, the Swiss. They’re more experienced, and better. Can they be THE Dark Horse this year? I think so. Once the USA gets booted, and should Germany falter, I will be cheering mightily for the Swiss.
HONDURAS –— Ever heard of the Soccer War? Yup. Honduras and El Salvador player three times in order to qualify for the 1970 World Cup. El Salvador won 2 of 3 games, and qualified. Honduras got to pick bananas, the people got vewy vewy angry, and fucked up a bunch of El Salvadorans via riots and general mayhem. Naturally, the Salvadoran military launched an attack against Honduras. Seems like a good response to me. The war only lasted 100 hours. However, it took another 11 fucking years for the two countries to sign a peace treaty. Ain’t that some funny shit?? Did you know they have the world’s highest murder rate? Honduras CAN advance out of group play …. but, only IF all the players are allowed to bring Glocks.
Group F
Argentina ……….. 2 .….. -400
Bosnia-Herz. ….. 14 …… 600
Nigeria ………..…. 28 ….. 800
Iran ……………….. 38 ….. 3300
ARGENTINA — South American …. fuckmedead!! … 2nd ranked team in the world …. Mortal Lock …. blah blah blah …. just pick ‘em all the way to semis.
BOSNIA-HERZ —- Amazing story that such a small and new country is so good at soccer. Did you know they have the only remaining jungle in Europe? It’s called the Perućica forest … has many trees that are 300 years old, and the forest’s vintage is stated to be 20,000 years. In some places the forest growth is almost impregnable. 10 more really truly fascinating facts about Bosnia here —- http://www.expatsblog.com/contests/799/top-10-crazy-things-about-living-in-bosnia-and-herzegovina#sthash.onfw30Kp.dpuf Pick ‘em!!
NIGERIA — here’s all you need to know … they lost last week to the USA, 2-1 … and it was much uglier for them than the score indicates. They suck Obongo dick. Also, someone from Nigeria is trying to scam you right this very moment.
IRAN — Iran???? WTF are they doing in the WC?? Good thing their first game, or any other, isn’t against Da Joos. I leave it to our own beloved ZARATHUSTRA to enlighten us on Iranian soccer. I’m betting Ahura Mazda was Player-Of-The-Year back in 24,678B.C.
Group G — The Group of Death
Germany ………. 4 …… -180
Portugal ………. 16 …… 275
United States … 17 …… 1000
Ghana …………. 24 …… 1200
GERMANY — Deutschland Uber Alles!!! Undefeated in the qualification stage ….. scoring 36 goals in 10 games ….. in the TOP 2 (or, 3) in offensive firepower ….. really, they don’t show any weaknesses at this point. Mortal Lock. Angela Merkel told the players if they lose, all of them will have to lick her pussy … after Obongo boinks her. This is a huge incentive to never lose, and that’s why I’m picking them to win it all. (Yes, I know they’re playing Brazil in Brazil.)
PORTUGAL — Just because Portugal’s national symbol is a chicken, doesn’t mean they will choke the chicken. Why? One name …. Cristiano Ronaldo …. pretty much unanimously considered the best player in the world. And the rest of the team ain’t to shabby either.
USA — this may be one of the best National Teams in a long while … young, fast, skilled, and with a World Class goalkeeper, Tim Howard . BUT, we got really FUCKED over by being placed in this group … thanks to FIFA’s totally corrupt and bullshit ranking system. If they get out of group play, I will call USA’s coach, Jurgen Klinsmann, — the great former German national player — and offer to lick his balls.
GHANA — there is no team in this year’s WC that I HATE/LOATHE/DESPISE more than Ghana … the team that knocked us out of the past two World Cups …. the last time by a last second goal in overtime. I hope half the team takes a dip in the Amazon and piranhas chew off their dicks, and the other half drinks the water and they get the shits … while playing. Not very sportsmanlike, I know. Don’t give a shit. G.E.S.
Group H
Belgium ………. 12 ….. -175
Russia ………… 15 ……. 200
South Korea … 37 ……. 750
Algeria .………..69 ……. 2800
BELGIUM —- what’s the FIRST thing you think of when Belgium is mentioned? I guarantee it’s either 1) legal drugs, 2) legal pay-for-pussy, or 3) waffles. They also have a powerful soccer team with a reputation as Giant Killers having beaten eventual World Cup winners; West Germany in 1954, Brazil in 1963, Argentina in 1982, and France in 2002. Betting against them, especially in group play, is just plain silly.
RUSSIA — Top Secret insider info what you need to know; Putin will be playing as a striker. A Mortal Lock for 2nd place. Did you know the land mass of Russia is equal to that of Pluto? Also, Russia is colder.
SOUTH KOREA — I mean, why allow Asian teams to play in the WC? It’s not like they EVER won the WC …. or EVER will. Nevertheless, I love our new Hyundai. Too bad they can’t play a similar quality of fussball. Goddamn, I love S. Korea’s president!!!! In response to criticism that the government botched rescue efforts during a ferry disaster that left more than 300 dead or missing, president Park Geun-hye announced plans to DISBAND THE COAST GUARD. Taking the bull by the horns and not ducking out?? That’s so … so …. soooo Un-Obama-ish!!!
ALGERIA — Fuckin’ Mooslims. WTF? Algeria’s national team name is the Fennec Foxes. Below is a Fennec Fox. Cuter than cute. But, using a Woman’s Method Of Choosing Teams — team colors and/or the mascot — I ask you; “Is this a mascot that could win at …. anything??” Those ears. Yikes! It looks like an animal created by the NSA. Not the worst team in the field, but absolutely zero chance of advancing.
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It seems, from what I’ve read, that some (many?) Brazilians are pretty pissed off at the COST of these games, much of it (as usual) falling on those with the least amount of money. Still … Brazil is one country I’d love to see before I croak. It looks like such a beautiful and diverse country. Breathtaking, in many cases. Check it out …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ2mPAMUhk8&feature=player_detailpage
And for you guys, except bb, they say Brazilian women are amongst the world’s most beautiful. I see no reason to dispute that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chybMnfbih0&feature=player_detailpage
Here is why I loath soccer:
“AWD says “great game!”.
Final score 1-0.
What a joke.
Congrats to Stuck – why an Austrian would root for Germany is beyond me, but whatever blows his skirt up.
“Argentina captain Lionel Messi was awarded the Golden Ball for the World Cup’s most outstanding player. ”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????????????????????
He played better than James Rodriguez (Colombia)??
He played better than Arjen Robben (Netherlands)??
He played better than Toni Kroos, Philipp Lahm, or Thomas Muller (Germany)??
I’m not saying he’s over-rated ………… BUT ……… HE DIDN’T DO JACK-SHIT outside of Group Play.
FIFA ……… what a bunch of stoopid fucktard corrupt bastards.
Here is why I loath soccer: “AWD says “great game!” ….. Final score 1-0.” ——— llpoh
Baseball has 1-0 scores. You hate that game too?
So, I guess an NBA All-Star game with a 146-150 score is exciting?
I just love it how people WHO DON’T KNOW SHIT about the game of soccer feel that’s it’s their duty to shout out to the world, “Hey, people, I hate soccer!!” …. as if people who actually like the game give a flying fuck about your feewings.
.
.
“why an Austrian would root for Germany is beyond me” ——– llpoh
ummmmmm …. because we’re basically, ummmm, both, ummmm GERMANIC??? Google it if you don’t believe me.
Hmm – every German I ever met distances himself from Hitler by saying “He was Austrian not German”. But Stuck says that they are really the same people. O-o-o-kay. Whatever.
The average number of runs in a MLB game is about 8.5. Just slightly higher than that in soccer. Plus there are many more measurable performances – hits, etc. that can be, and are, accurately measured. Soccer? Not so much. I do not watch baseball on TV, for the same reason I do not watch soccer – far too slow.
Basketball NBA All-Star Game? I would not watch that piece of shit event unless I was paid. It is akin to professional wrestling. Ditto for the MLB all-star game and any other all-star game I can think of.
Why is soccer so popular? Because it is CHEAP TO PLAY. Any barren field and a beat up old ball and off you go.
There are too many problems with soccer to count, but here are a few – corruption, cheating, flopping pussified players, poor umpiring, and hooligans.
I never have felt unsafe taking my family to a baseball or basketball or football game. But the one time I took them to a soccer game, it was unsafe. There were elements in the crowd that were no better than animals, and they oozed the smel of violence.
It is not my duty to call soccer a piece of shit game ruled by the most corrupt people imaginable, but I do so enjoy getting soccer “aficionados” lathered up by saying it.
Stuck would disown anything else so corrupt, but he is addicted to soccer.
Whatever floats his boat.
Hey Stucky…
Schwäbisch Gmünd feiert den WM Titel (2014) Deutschland vs. Argentinien Weltmeister
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_1wEidMOD4&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
Plus I am sure I read where Stuck had made a final post. He cannot resist a good call-out.
llpoh
Sooo because of Hitler you think Austrians hate Germans????
You have a LOT to learn.
Maybe Billy can explain it. Ms Freud was in Chicago over the weekend visiting her daughter … she came home 15 minutes ago and we’re going out to eat.
You were trying to ruin my joy. Nice try. WE ARE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!
Who cares what Frau Billy says! Not I.
Lionel Messi and the Golden Ball – agree, can`t understand why he got it.
Germany = mechanical. It`s in the DNA.
Who cares what Frau Billy says! Not I.
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Austrians don’t hate Germans, or vice versa… or the Swiss or anyone else. I mean, yeah there’s a bunch of shit talking going on, but that’s anywhere you go… The northern Germans think the southern Germans and Bavarians are a bunch of rubes. The southern Germans think the northern Germans are a bunch of snotty tight-asses. Both groups trash talk the Austrians. And all three shit talk the Swiss…
It’s all good.
I did not say that – I said every German I know distances themselves from Hitler by saying Hitler was Austrian not German. In other words, they draw a very heavy distinction between being German and being Austrian.
And what is this “we” stuff? Austria doesn’t have a soccer team?
Stuck is a true front runner – whoever wins, he suddenly becomes one of them and anoints himself one of the “we”. Austria wins – we Won! German wins – we won! US wins – we won! England wins – we won! The Swiss win (they speakee de German) – we won!
Some nations that can be considered to be “Germanic” – England, Iceland, Belgium, Germany, Austria, Norway, Sweden, Netherlands, France, Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Russia, Portugal, etc etc etc.
Stuck can throw a pretty wide net over “Germanic” if he chooses. Just about any primarily Caucasian nation that wins becomes “we win!”.
Too funny.
Llpoh,
Dude, whatever… I just walked in and got sandbagged by this shit…
The reason the Herms draw such a heavy line is because of all the guilt heaped on the Germans over the last 100 years or so… not without some justification, but if you go over the last 100 years or so, we (meaning Germans) have taken a pretty bad beating, reputation-wise… everyone’s favorite whipping boy when blame gets assigned (but everyone sure wants the shit we make – because it’s fucking WIN!)…
Whenever someone brings up Uncle Adolph, the Herms are like “Whoa! Hey! That ain’t our boy… he’s one of those Austrians..” And, they’re right. He was Austrian. If anything, most Americans don’t make a distinction and assume this “whatever” attitude…
As far as Germany winning, y’all can EAT IT!!! WAHH-HOOO!!
I would have been happy if the Austrians or Swiss won, but not nearly as happy as I am now…
Peace.
Socker fans are all pussies.
Hey – I love Germans and Austrians. Just pass through Czechoslovakia into Austria to immediately see the greatness that is Austria, and Germany. Those bastards are fussy folks, and take good care of their stuff. Their banks are gonna screw them sure enough, though, even worse than US banks are screwing Americans. Those banks over there are LEVERAGED, boy howdy, like 50 to 1, and they are ALL insolvent if they have to book the actual losses.
But nonetheless, there is much to be admired about the Germans and Austrians. Compare them to the French, Italians, Spanish, Portuguese, etc., who as a bunch could not find their asses with a flashlight and a road map.
“Stuck is a true front runner – whoever wins, he suddenly becomes one of them and anoints himself one of the “we”. Austria wins – we Won! German wins – we won! US wins – we won! England wins – we won! The Swiss win (they speakee de German) – we won!” ————- llpoh
I must admit …. that was pretty damn funny. (But, you’re wrong about England!)
I think I’m going to write a thread about Austria, the history thereof. You need some edumucation.
Why won’t Admin fucken tell me how many fucking hits this thread has gotten???
Dammit … posted this erroneously in another thread.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=yq5TuJVogaw
Beat the shit out of the host nation.
Host nation still loves you.
So funny.
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“Those bastards are fussy folks, and take good care of their stuff. ”
Oh, I completely agree.. they can be very reserved – even a bunch of tight-asses – and I’m still trying to figure out their sense of humor (it’s a theory of mine that the Herms have their sense of humor surgically removed at birth), but they make good shit and take care of it because there’s one way to make shit – the right way. Then there’s everything else…
Italians, French, Portuguese, Spanish… you could just say “SEE?!? THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!” and that would pretty much explain their countries…
Once, I was in an Oktoberfest beer tent blabbing with a bunch of German soldiers. We’re having a good time, fucking around and talking shit… One of them asks me in complete seriousness:
“Zo… vaht do you think of ze Germans?”
I looked at him and said – also in complete seriousness:
“I think you fuckers sit around in the Black Forest sucking down Weitzen, then come out screaming every 50 years or so and try to take over the world.”
Dead silence… and then everyone fucking laughed their asses off. I thought they were gonna kill me. They thought it was the funniest thing they ever heard.. and the thing is, they agreed with me.
From then on, I was one of them… even with a pedigree and the correct family name, you’re not one of them unless they tell you that you’re one of them… sort of like a long-lost brother coming home, you have to be accepted.
They’re a quirky bunch. But they’re my people…
Hey Llpoh,
I recently saw “The Grand Budapest Hotel” and just loved it… even though the story is completely made up, some of the goofy “what da fuck is THAT?!” shit that happens reminded me of Europe – Germany, Switzerland, Austria… weird and curious and funny at the same time… shit you’d never see in the US and characters right out of central casting…
Sometimes they get your sense of humor. Sometimes not. I was talking with a couple German cops once, and one of them was being a dick. I noticed that his name was “Fritz”. I started calling him “Pommes Frites” – if you say “Frites” fast enough, it sounds like “Fritz”… it means “french fry”.
He said – VERY stiffly and in an accent straight out of the movies – “My. Name. Iss. Not. “Frites”.” He was PISSED. His partner knew what I was doing – just fucking with him – and was laughing his ass off as silently as he could. Apparently, french fry was his boss and it would have been bad form to laugh at my jokes… 🙂
Seriously though, if you’re a typical ” ‘MURKA! FUCK YEAH!” Ugly American, they’ll treat you decently, but very stiff and reserved. If you have a reasonable command of the language and act graciously towards them, they’ll invite you over to their home for dinner… even try to get you married off to their daughters… 🙂
This little part of the thread had me talking to my boy about the differences between the Herms, the Ushies (Austrians) and the Swiss and everyone else.. we talked about taking the train from Italy up into Switzerland and Austria… the difference is marked… on the Italian side, everything is made from the same tan stone and looks like a stiff wind would knock it all down… everything also seems to be about a half a degree off plumb… then you cross the border and everything looks like it was built by robots to last a thousand years. Green valleys, little alpine houses here and there and the occasional cuckoo clock village that looks like you could shoplift the whole thing if you had a mind to…
Meh.. Europe… it’s a weird place, but I love it nonetheless…
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Grantland consistently produces some of the very best articles on the internet about various sports (not just soccer).
Like this one …. a little perspective now that the WC is over.
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Fading Images of the World Cup
Watching sports is, among other things, a special way of experiencing time. Sport is like music or fiction or film in that, for a predetermined duration, it asks you to give it control over your emotions, to feel what it makes you feel. Unlike (most) forms of art, though, a game has no foreordained plan or plot or intention. The rules of a game impose a certain kind of order, but it’s different from the order of an artwork. A movie knows where it wants to take you; no one can say in advance where a game will go. All of its beauty, ugliness, boredom, and excitement, all of its rage and sadness emerge spontaneously out of the players’ competing desires to win. For however long the clock runs, your feelings are at the mercy of chance. This happens and then this happens and then this happens. You’re experiencing, in a contained and intensified way, something like the everyday movement of life.
Yesterday, for instance, Germany beat Argentina, 1-0, in the final of the World Cup. Before the match, while I was watching the players sing the national anthems, I started thinking about how terrified they all looked. I mean, the paradox of that — that they were sick with dread and yet exactly where they wanted to be in life, playing in the World Cup final. Going to pieces inside and yet standing in the Maracanã, a place they’d dreamed of reaching. They could feel that way, of course, precisely because nothing in sport is foreordained, because at that moment all the possibilities of the match were still open. Germany could win by six goals again or Lionel Messi could score a hat trick and rewrite the history of soccer. Someone could be a hero or someone could score an own goal in front of hundreds of millions of people and never be the same again.
We obsess over narratives in sport. We groom them. We rehearse them. We decide in advance how they’ll develop based on the outcomes we expect. If Messi wins the World Cup, he becomes greater than Maradona, the greatest ever to play the game. If he loses, the dragon eats the prince with the silver shield. It’s a strange thing, though, that so much of our concern with narrative involves anticipating events before they happen. A story, when it’s about real life, is usually a way of ordering memory. The reality of everything that happens is too immense to hold on to, so we take the highlights and arrange them into an order that at least feels plausible. In sport, though, we’re constantly setting out the stakes ahead of time. If the prince with the silver shield takes the black castle, he has a chance to be the greatest king in history. We tell stories with no endings. We tell stories that may not come true.
Partly we do this as a way to manage our excitement before a big game. But partly, I think, we do it for the same reason the players glare so fiercely and sing so loudly during the prematch anthems. We do it because uncertainty is awful to live with — much more terrible in many ways than disappointment. Writing narratives in advance is a way to treat the future as if it were a memory, a way to gain a small measure of control over the unbearable open-endedness of things. Because an event like the World Cup is both long-running (it lasts a month, an eternity for a tournament that occupies the whole world’s attention) and intensively finite (it builds toward a climactic last match), it’s a perfect vehicle for confronting unpredictability. It’s a perfect vehicle for turning possibilities into stories that we can tell.
I made a list of the moments during the past month that stood out the most to me. I thought about Robin van Persie battering in that header from hell against Spain. James Rodríguez celebrating his goal against Brazil with the giant locust on his sleeve. Júlio César sobbing after blocking two penalties against Chile. Neymar being carried on the stretcher off the pitch at Fortaleza. I thought about the huge moths in Manaus, about the savage rain before the USA played Germany in Recife. I thought about Tim Howard’s 16 saves. About John Brooks’s goal against Ghana. Luis Suárez belting the ball past Joe Hart to beat England in the 85th minute. Suárez biting Giorgio Chiellini. I thought about Louis van Gaal subbing in a new goalkeeper before penalties against Costa Rica. About Tim Cahill’s volley against the Netherlands and Messi’s long-range winner against Iran. I thought about the stunned silence on Copacabana after Silvestre Varela leveled the match in stoppage time against the United States. I thought about watching the second half of Brazil-Mexico at a little TV on the beach at Ipanema, surrounded by civil police. I thought about 7-1, the astonishment of that. About Miroslav Klose breaking Ronaldo’s scoring record. About Miguel Herrera losing his mind.
It’s so obvious it seems stupid to say it, but a month and two days ago, all of that was mere potential. It’s strange, at the end of an event like the World Cup, after everything is known, to look back at the beginning when nothing was. In the same way, it must be strange for the Argentine players to remember that just a day ago, they did not know that Gonzalo Higuaín would miss an easy chance, that their organized, counterattacking game plan would create opportunity after opportunity that they would fail to convert, that they would take Germany to extra time, that André Schürrle would go tearing down their left flank with the ball in the 113th minute, that his cross would slip between two defenders and find Mario Götze in the middle of the area, that Götze would somehow control the ball with his chest just well enough to strike it with his left foot, strike it as he was sliding and before it ever touched the ground, and beat Sergio Romero for the winning goal. A day ago — no time at all, but a day ago they could still have been world champions. A day ago, so many things were possible that are not possible now.
Championships don’t change anything tangible. What they change is stories. Messi is, by any objective measure, as good a soccer player as he was yesterday morning, or a month ago. Given a thousand iterations in some time-transcending one-on-one test against Maradona, he’d win or lose the same number as before. The only thing that’s worse now is his story. He played one so-so game in front of a global audience, and if Higuaín had converted his chance, Messi could have played the same so-so game and still be radiating triumph today. But Higuaín didn’t, and Argentina lost, and players’ legacies are determined by the outcomes of big moments because we’ve decided that that’s what determines them. Messi won the Golden Ball, but he didn’t escape the no–World Cups asterisk he’s saddled with because he happens to come from a country that’s won World Cups in the past.
If a player identical to Messi hailed from Iceland — a country that wouldn’t be good enough to qualify for the World Cup regardless of the talent of its best player — could he never belong in the conversation about the greatest of all time?
Germany, too, is the same team as yesterday morning. But it won the story. It slew the green dragon on the curtain wall. World Cup finals are inevitably tactical lessons for the teams that aren’t playing in them. Tiki-taka changed the look of world football, even though only Spain and Barcelona ever figured out how to play it. Now Jogi Löw’s tactics will be studied and copied and analyzed for their weak points, and things will change again. It’s not unreasonable, really. Germany was the best team in the World Cup by just about every standard. It scored the most goals; it conceded just four times in seven matches, the same number as Argentina. But had Götze’s toe caught the ball half an inch to the left, the story might have been different, and Alejandro Sabella’s defensive scheme might be the one popping up on blackboards all over the world.
I don’t mean to imply that Germany shouldn’t have won the World Cup; it should have. I just can’t stop thinking about how fragile it all is, what strange currents of contingency carry teams through these tournaments. The clock stops just once before the end of a soccer match, which means the moments you remember emerge, sometimes out of nowhere, from the this-and-then-this of continuous play. The World Cup produces a lot of this-and-then-this. But it’s a month whose rhythm is set to those sudden bursts of amazement. Like a clock that chimes left-footed volleys; like a clock that chimes sobbing in the rain. But when you string those moments together, when you knit them into a narrative — I don’t know. Sometimes the moment before the beginning seems more magical than the moment after the ending, because watching sports is a special way of experiencing time.
Something I’ve noticed since I entered my mid-thirties is that no one ever looks the right age anymore. When I see friends I’ve known for years, they’re always a little older than I expect, a little different from the images I’m carrying around in my head. But when I see old pictures of them, pictures from the time when those mental images ought to originate, they look astoundingly, impossibly young. No one was ever as young as they look. They look like elves with goofy hair. So what am I picturing when I think of them? Something that never really existed, probably. Something both finished and unfinished, a story I’ve told myself. We tell ourselves stories to make time bearable.
But the World Cup is over now, for all that it meant and all that it didn’t mean
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It’s all over. Great games. Great final, nice goal. Sadly another 4 yrs will have to go by. I hope we all get to be here to see it again 🙂
In 4 years you won’t recognize Life In Amerika.
In 4 years we’ll have a New President …. one that is even WORSE than the current asshole. That’s the reality of Amurika today, re-electing the same shitfuks over and over in CONgress, and a President who just promises more an more Free Shit, while telling us how great everything is. The next President may very well be like the Antichrist.
In 4 years the Dollar will have lost its reserve status. Our debt will be in the quintillions.
In 4 years the Copfuk Police State will be in full swing … the FEMA Camps will be accepting candidates for re-education.
In 4 years the WC will be held in Russia …. assuming we haven’t nuked them, or them, us.
In 4 years I might be delighted if I can still afford a steak dinner once a month, or bananas in the winter.
That’s why I so enjoyed this World Cup. I might be in survival mode by the next one.
Stuck
Are you trying to get this thread to 400 comments?
Admin
Not, really. I’m pretty sure MOST EVERYONE is fuckin sick and tired of seeing this thread pop up.
I was going to quit … but, llpoh sucked me back in.
I’ll stop now.
Sooooo ….. just curious …. how many hits has this thread gotten over the last month? Does it make the Top 10? Just curious ….
Stuck
4,135 hits on this thread, making it the 2nd highest since it went up. Only the Fourth Turning article got more hits.
Germany’s stellar midfielder, Mesut Ozil donates his ENTIRE $400,000 winnings to pay for 23 sick children to have surgery in Brazil.
Well done, sir.
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