If you asked any of these insufferable people – they are not all parents of course – why they behaved that way at home, they would reply, “Oh, hang it all, one comes home to relax. A chap can’t be always on his best behaviour. If a man can’t be himself in his own house, where can he? Of course we don’t want Company Manners at home. We’re a happy family. We can say anything to one another here. No one minds. We all understand.”
Once again it is so nearly true yet so fatally wrong.
Affection is an affair of old clothes, and ease, of the unguarded moment, of liberties which would be ill-bred if we took them with strangers. But old clothes are one thing; to wear the same shirt till it stank would be another. There are proper clothes for a garden party; but the clothes for home must be proper too, in their own different way. Similarly there is a distinction between public and domestic courtesy. The root principle of both is the same: “that no one give any kind of preference to himself.”
C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I suspect Mr. Lewis would be inclined to make similar observations about online manners as compared to public manners, where electronic anonymity tempts the worst part of a person to be belittling, dismissive, condescending, and in short, a bully.
Sometimes people come to confuse rudeness with strength and position, and choose to exercise it when they feel that they have some power, even if it is just the power to say what you will with relative impunity given the distance of electronics. The culture of the internet is nascent; and intelligence without education and cultural broadening can quickly degenerate into barbarism, even amongst people, not only commenters but bloggers, who might be otherwise appalled by how they act online.
Understanding, compassion, and kindness are the signs of real power and strength. Rudeness, incivility, and bad manners are the signs of ill-breeding and ignorance, of the disordered mind of the narcissist, who proceeds through life unaware and uncaring of those around them.
I am certainly no stuffed shirt. Manners does not mean that famous English reserve. Rather, manners are no ritual. Ritual manners, like accents, are too often an artificial construct with the purpose of promoting a type of class system. Civility is a certain ease of behavior, supported by kindness.
Barbarism can become fashionable, almost contagious. One may even have learned such dismissive and condescending behaviour from a parent, who learned it from one of theirs, or in some deep disappointment in their lives.
Don’t tell yourself that this is just the way it is. Rather, tell yourself that this is just wrong, and let such incivility stop with me.
I agree. Online civility is gone. I was in a forum and put up some links to support my POV and someone looked up and posted by address and told people to ‘come and get me’. I’ve also bee told to shut up by a cunt in New Jersey or she’d ‘get me AND my Mom’. This is a woman in her thirties WTF?
Wouldn’t that be nice to have some zombies at our disposal to just send to anybody’s house when they piss us off. That was the most interesting point of the movie Sex Tape, a dumb 13 yo kid can terrorize you anonymously. The movie itself was horrible, though.
AWD in order of kindness and civility . Do you still love me ?You said you did .Now tell all the others on this site how much you still love me even when I test ,tease , mock and make fun of you.Go ahead you can do it .
Regarding civility, at this point in our national life we should be civil ONLY to our own side. There is nothing admirable or decent about showing civility to people who want to rip your throat out. We are not engaged in polite political discourse or intellectual blather about right or wrong. We are fighting for our existence and our children’s future. Our enemies are and deserve to be treated as monsters out for our blood. Let’s cut the crap. When you are in a knife fight in a back alley there are no rules and you certainly aren’t civil to the thug trying to kill you.
I was just reading the C.S. Lewis comment in light of all the poor bastards stuck living with their parents for so long. You see it frequently, people treating members of their own family with a complete lack of civility, attempting to justify it by saying, ‘But I would never treat anyone else this way.’ Why is it okay to treat complete strangers with polite manners, but treat the people you supposedly love like complete dogshit? It just shows how screwed up your priorities are.
A friend of a friend of a friend, involved in The Gladiators tv show said, I will treat all people like a good friend but if they start talking like a dumbass, then I will become very polite and start calling them, Sir.
Southern Sage has it right; I would only add that I have no problem in initially treating everyone with civility – allow them to declare their “allegiance” by either their speech or conduct (or both) and then treat them accordingly. BC-LR to all
If you have not read C.S. Lewis’ trilogy, then put it on your bucket list!
1. Out of the Silent Planet
2. Perelandra
3. That Hideous Strength
bb
Go fuck yourself
In real life I’m nice to pretty much everyone. But, a lot of the time it’s only skin deep.
The C.S. Lewis’ trilogy is a science fiction work with a bent towards Christian theology …. like Chronicles Of Narnia, but for adults. I read them a long time ago. Very good read, even if you’re not a believer.
Love Your Enemies
…46″For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47″If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48″Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
I love you guys, I don’t even care if no one gave me a thumbs, up who cares? I’ll be praying for you niggers.
Having a multigenerational family under my own roof has taught me a thing or two about civility.
You have to work at it.
You have to be respectful and tolerant, even of other views you know are misinformed.
You also need to be prepared to work through disagreements without giving ultimatums or going off on people over their little shortcomings.
If you can do it, there are some big rewards that come with living together.
Internet behavior? Fageddabout it. Hopeless. You can’t fix stupid, but more importantly, you can’t fix meanness.
Ignorance you can sometimes work with.