Hillary Promises to Get Everyday Americans Foreign Money

Guest Post by Andy Borowitz

NASHUA, N.H. (The Borowitz Report)—Delivering a stirring populist message at a campaign appearance in New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton vowed that as President she would help everyday Americans obtain large cash payments from foreign governments.

“Like a lot of everyday Americans, many of you are struggling to pay your bills,” she told an audience here. “As President, I will work tirelessly to help you make ends meet—by getting foreign governments to pay you.”

“In cold, hard cash,” she added, to a standing ovation.

Growing emotional, the former Secretary of State spoke of the “transformative power of foreign money,” calling it “nothing short of magical.”

“I’ve seen up close how large sums of foreign currency can change people’s lives,” she said. “And I will not rest until every middle-class American partakes of the riches of the Emirates.”

Clinton said that she and she alone was qualified to disgorge heaps of cash from foreign governments, and took a swipe at two of her Republican rivals.

“Do you honestly think Ted Cruz could pry loose any Moroccan money—or Rand Paul?” she asked. “Come on. No one in Morocco knows those losers.”