How The ANTI-MASTURBATION Movement Shaped America

I don’t want to hear any whining about this being a “fluff” piece that has no right to be on this site. This is not like my Horse Fucking article. Rather, this is a VERY serious piece of writing, because it’s about …. YOU. Statistically, 99% of you masturbated in the past 30 days. Yes, you have!! And the only reason I say 30 days is because of the women folk. If I were to include only men, half of you masturbated in the past 30 minutes, and the rest of you in the past 30 hours. We’re talking biological facts, folks.

Strangely enough, there is no other human activity that is so universal in its appeal, while at the same time so universally condemned … and often, punished. I’m in the age group where we were warned – and this is no joke — that choking the chicken could lead to; 1) blindness, 2) hairy knuckles, 3) failing grades, and since I went to Catholic school, 4) God striking me dead at any moment.

Every goddamned morning, all the way through high school I’d check my knuckles. “Phew! I’m still safe!”. Well, until one day when I brought home an “F” in math, and I was positive my mom would know I was using my body as an amusement park. I was forty years old when I first needed glasses (really), and I thought to myself; — “Goddammit! This shit finally caught up with me!”. I stopped peeling the banana for three straight months, but the eye damage was permanent, apparently. And, I can’t tell you how many thousands of times I prayed; “Dear Jesus, thank you for not taking my life while I laid me down to sleep. I promise, I mean I really promise that I will never ever do THAT again.”. A promise that usually lasted about 30 minutes.

So, that gives you an idea how charming the python affected ME. I spent much of my yooth living in fear, and with shame, and guilt. Now, I’m not saying I wanted to choke the chicken at the dinner table. But, just once it would have been really nice to just enjoy the activity … well, I’m taking about the fifteen seconds immediately after the deed. The worst fifteen seconds of my life. One time I even cried for being so weak willed, and for disappointing God.

BTW, the primary justification the Catlick Church uses for the Polishing-St Peters-Staff Is-A-Sin doctrine has to do with the guy above …. Onan …. which, ironically, has NOTHING to do with his cuddling the kielbasa … and everything to do with Onan breaking God’s law requiring him to produce an heir for his brother. Pulling OUT, not pulling OFF, was his downfall.

Well, enough about me. Perhaps you’ll share your own story … how lubricating your Love Monkey affected your life. Don’t leave out any details either. But, now I want to look at the Bigger Picture. Specifically, how the Anti-Masturbation Movement shaped society.

1)- IT GAVE US ….. THE BOY SCOUTS

The Great Masturbation Panic reached its climax during the late 19^th and early 20^th century. Doctors observed that sedentary people – students, truck drivers, shoe makers, engineers, ACCOUNTANTS, etc. – were far more prone to “masturbation induced insanity”. Naturally, the doctors prescribed vigorous exercise, which would keep your hands busy doing something else to divert “superfluous nervous energy” away from the wee-wee and vaginny. (Really. Not making any of this up.)

So, that brings us to 1907 and Lord Baden-Powell. He was the founder of the Scout Movement and first Chief Scout of The Boy Scouts Association. He was also a Wanker. Seriously, he was British, and his given birth-name was Robert Stephenson Smyth Powell. If this pic doesn’t scream “WANKER!!”, I don’t know what does.

— “These 3 fingers go up your hiney!” —

So here are things we know about him;

 — he married …. at age 55. He refused to sleep in the same bed with his wife … decided the right thing to do was to sleep on his balcony …. some sources believe he was a closet homosexual

 — he advised that young men should “bathe the racial [sic] organ in cold water daily.”  [I really have no idea what “racial” means in the above context. I sort of picture a nice little white Boy Scout with his weenie in his hand, and just before burping the worm he looks down and says “Nigger!! Retreat! And take a bath while you’re at it.”]

 — in his epic manual “Scouting for Boys: A Handbook for Instruction in Good Citizenship” he made such graphic warnings against masturbation that the publisher forced him to cut them out

 — he wrote a book “Rovering to Success” …. “rovering” was keeping yourself busy with tying knots, hiking and other outdoorsy stuff. He wrote, “Young fellows in the rutting stage are apt to get together and tell smutty stories and look at lewd pictures. If you carry out Rovering, you will find lots to do in the way of hiking and the enjoyment of the out-of-door manly activities. To get rid of the bad you must put something good in its place.” I think “rutting stage” means rubbing-one-out.

Bottom Line: He was absolutely obsessed with masturbation prevention …. in fact, it is the reason he started The Scouts. Ironic, isn’t it, that today’s Boy Scouts actually give the Onan Merit Badge to those masturbating five times a day for five years.

2)- IT GAVE US …… VIBRATORS

No, you did not misread that. Vibrators were invented as a means to prevent females from paddling the pink canoe.

First, you must understand there were many tools to keep MEN from rapid penile oscillation. This will be very instructive for many of you – Llpoh, SSS, Admin, Billy, bb, Bea, El Coyote who calls his trouser-snake “Sexy Mulatto”, I_S, DRUD, .. well, all the men here (except me and Boston Bob) – so, pay attention.

— leeches were placed on the … well, do I have to say it? The idea being that leeches, in addition to blood, would suck out the bad juice. Makes sense. The other idea being you wouldn’t fry off the old corn dog in front of the doctor and your mom.

— The Romans would pierce the foreskin of gladiators with a piece of metal to prevent both masturbation and sex.

— Pecker Piercing was quite popular in the Victorian era … they called it “infibulation”, it’s not just for women … whereby both sides of the foreskin were pierced and then connected by a ring or wire that passed over the top. The metal wasn’t rust proof pee proof and the resulting infections were known as Great Tribulations … mentioned in the Bible “such as the world has never seen before”.

— Progress never stopped and eventually elaborate attachments were designed which used cooling systems and even electricity. There was something called Dr. Moodies’ Apparatus for Boys, which was basically a bicycle lock for your dick. Seriously, the picture below is the patent picture for the device. Not only would it prevent yanking the chain … it also stopped Penis Theft, as there was not even one single such report in the entire 1900s.

Really rich people could afford Sterling Silver cock-blockers as shown below. Judging from the rather short dimensions, this one probably belonged to the Llpoh tribe.

However, and obviously, none of the above methods worked on women. This may come as a shock to some of our younger readers — I was 52 years old when I first found out – but, women also masturbate!

In fact, the 19^th century medical community diagnosed practicing women as having a mental disorder known as “hysteria” brought on by “out of control genitals”. Seriously, one medical book described it thusly; —– “a loss of control over the nervous system, expressed in innumerable ways as by convulsions, weeping, laughing, random talk, and by indecent words and acts.” Psychiatrists labeled it “eroto–mania”.

To combat this deadly scourge, men doctors teamed up with men electricians to invent the vibrator. You see, at the time it was believed that vibration was “the greatest curative force known to the medical profession”. The new vibrators did reduce female injuries by 87%, as women in large numbers abandoned their Electrolux hand-mixers for the new device.

Below is an actual picture from the American Journal of Clinical Medicine.

A brand called “New-Life Vibrator” stated in its instruction manual that “hysteria is related most intimately and peculiarly with the sexual organs of woman,” and then goes on to provide recommended use, stating – “the disease is sure to manifest itself in some part of the body more decidedly than elsewhere — treat the nerves and muscles OF THAT PART with the New-Life Vibrator for sure relief.” Sure enough, subsequent studies showed that women who used the new-fangled vibrators 4-5 times a day never masturbated again.

3)- IT GAVE US …… CIRCUMCISION

You might think that the barbaric act of circumcision is the result of America being a Judeo-Christian nation. “If Jesus snipped da tip, then it’s good ‘nuff for me!”, said no baby, ever .. but the parents did. You would be wrong. Or, maybe you think circumcision is done in the USA to reduce infections and other medical issues that, seemingly, can only occur at the tip of the weenie. Again, you would be wrong.

Truly, circumcision became standard practice in order to keep boys from touching their wieners. Now that’s totally weird because one would have to believe that no circumcised Jewish boy ever played with his kosher Wiener Schnitzel … and one look at Bibi Netanyahu will tell you that just ain’t so.

Seriously, they believed there were two benefits to Jewish Penis Surgery;

—— 1) It would reduce the secretions that would get inflamed around the foreskin, which leads too young boys rubbing themselves. Genital itching was considered a major gateway to masturbation … much like our own SSS believes Sweet Mary Jane is a gateway drug to heroin. (Note: Due to gateway-fears, SSS actually did not polish his sword between 1904 and 1938.) A 1914 public school manual actually stated that the only way to keep from masturbating was for children to stop scratching their privates.

.—— 2) Doctors believed that removing the foreskin made masturbation very difficult. Of course, this makes no sense at all as “the head” in theory (I’m Austrian an un-snipped so I’m not 100% positive) should keep the hand from slipping off the end. It was thought that circumcision also wiped out nerve endings, hence, the desire would just go away. An 1895 medical journal went so far as to suggest that ALL nerves to the penis be severed. Wow. I am horrified because, surely, “penis” and “severed” should never, ever, be used in the same sentence.

 John Harvey Kellogg then came along to add a new fuckin’ level of craziness to the equation. He wanted baby boys to feel Maximum PAIN during the surgery. Why? Because “penis & pain” would be etched in the baby’s mind forever … and when he became of age he would refrain from rubbing it.

Kellogg said; — “The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment, as it may well be in some cases. The soreness which continues for several weeks interrupts the practice, and if it had not previously become too firmly fixed, it may be forgotten and not resumed. ……. followup should be so carefully surrounded by vigilance that he cannot possibly transgress without detection. If he is only partially watched, he soon learns to elude observation, and thus the effect is only to make him cunning in his vice.”

4)- IT GAVE US …… GRAHAM CRACKERS & GRAPE NUTS

John Harvey Kellogg was absolutely obsessed with anti-masturbation … 24x7x365.

Food & Masturbation experts felt that a major cause of many human ills were the result of diet. There were foods which were considered to be “excitants” which were known to “fire the blood”. Some of these foods were cloves, vinegar, pickles, eggs, pork, and candy. Fun foods! Foods you eat for …… breakfast.

In order to, wait for it ……. protect the chill’un …… the Food & Masturbation experts decided to offer the opposite of tasty food, cold breakfast cereal.

“Let Grape Nuts help you stop playing with YOUR nuts!”

Grape-Nuts became the first food-unfit-for-humans. Some of their ads boasted how is doesn’t “heat the blood like other foods”. Other ads claimed Grape Nuts were “predigested”. I guess Americans were even bigger morans back then, than today. You can see from the ad above that a man’s real power came from steadiness and a clear brain (oddly enough, for most men that only happens after varnishing the pole). All their ads were subtle hints against masturbation. Which makes sense, because “Eat Grape Nuts And Stop Jerking Off Forever!!” probably wouldn’t have made it past J. Edgar Hoover. (Not to mention that no man ever wants to stop jerking off … even for 30 minutes.)

The Reverend Sylvester Graham, of Graham cracker fame, was every bit Mr. Kellogg’s equal when it came to hating masturbation. He basically copied Kellogg’s food formula … throw some shit together, and make it bland as possible so as to not “stimulate” the blood. He specifically marketed his Honey Biscuits (the cereal .. not the porn star) as a way to recover from masturbation.

Again, the marketing was subtle. It was believed that weak people basted the ham more often. Skinny boys really turned up the notch on the knob. So, the solution was sturdy kids! Early on he marketed his Graham Crackers as the perfect food to help children gain weight … which would give them “strength necessary to resist temptation”. And every parent knew that the Reverend wasn’t talking about the temptation to skip school.

5)- IT GAVE US …… DAILY SHOWERS

Bathing is a cyclical thing. The Romans, for example, were big on bathing. Then some early Christian leaders came along, such as St. Benedict, who said “baths shall seldom be permitted” presumably because Roman bathhouses led to spontaneous orgies … which even a Holy Spirit filled Christian could not refuse. No one except royalty bathed in the Dark Ages. Bathing even in early America was discouraged because of “French moral corruption and the sexual license suggested by nudity”. Which makes no sense whatsoever because everyone knows the French don’t bathe.

Well, by around the 1900’s, at the very climax of the War on Masturbation, bathing once again was in vogue.

Yup, the fear of milking the lizard drove doctors and preachers to recommend daily baths, especially for children. It was that genital itching thingy once again. If little Billy (not our Billy) didn’t keep his junk clean, then little Billy would be scratching his junk … just a little too much, and a little to vigorously (OK, maybe our Billy). Just get a load of these quotes;

“A daily bath is indispensable to health under almost all circumstances; for masturbators it is especially necessary … Sun baths, electric baths, spray, plunge and other forms of bath, are of greatest value to those suffering from the effects of indiscretions.”  ———– John Harvey Kellogg, in “Plain Facts for Old and Young”

“But we must here make some helpful suggestions to those who seek to avoid this form of sexual weakness … First, cleanliness of heart, of thought, imagination and of purpose must be reinforced also by cleanliness of body. Every man, woman and child should bathe at least once or twice a week. In addition to the ordinary weekly bath, there should also be added the daily morning sponge or hand-bath.” ———– Sylvanus Stall, in “What a Young Man Ought to Know”, (1904)

“Here are a few rules that will help the young man who wishes to overcome the habit just described [masturbation] … Arise three-quarters of an hour before breakfast every morning, take a cold sponge or shower bath.” ———- YMCA Manual, “From Youth into Manhood” (1909)

It is stunningly amazing to me that such theories of behavior — which are so easily proved to be 100% wrong — how they could have gained so much traction. I can’t imagine the HARM it has done to countless chill’un.

Take me for example. Some of my best ever performances took place in the shower … regardless of the water temperature. So, I read the YMCA manual, do what it says, and yet still fall to the devil’s call. What would I believe about myself? That I am INCURABLE!! So, I check my knuckles and say 100 Our Fathers and hope like fuck my momma doesn’t find me naked, and dead, in the shower. That’s no way to go through childhood.

********** BONUS STUFF **********

This is a 1940’s era poster produced for a library. I can’t find any details about the poster. Therefore, I must guess its meaning. I am guessing that at one time black people jerked off into library books. There should have been a government program to make them eat more Grape Nuts.

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This is also a 1940’s poster. I’m so confused. If 98% of women have VD … isn’t this a poster FOR masturbation? (I think that’s Honey Biscuits, second from the left.)

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This is a 1920s poster. If you’re like me, your first thought was – “Why is that fly trying to fuck a little girl??”. I include this only to show how stupid “science” was in that era. The same people who thought masturbation was evil also thought that flies caused tuberculosis and other horrible diseases. So, yeah, the USA (also Britain and Australia) actually launched a War on Flies. Yet another war we lost.

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In closing, I realize some of you will be offend by this post … even though you surely learned some new things. You folks would have loved living in the early 1900s. I also realize I didn’t cover The Big Question; What Would Jesus Do?  Hmmmm … he was a NORMAL MAN, right? Figure it out.  I leave you with this quote from the great philosopher, George Carlin; — “If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.“

Author: Stucky

I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. View all posts by Stucky