Trying to get that….beer money? Right? Because he’s turning in his coins. From his beer bottle piggy bank. That an adult probably shouldn’t own by the way. But still. Beer Money? Right? Hilarious. I crack myself up no matter what you people say.
Yeah so it’s Friday. Dem some titties. Not great titties, but who has ever heard of bad titties?
I think this might be the first time I truly understand Sisqo’s thong song. She got them dumps like a truck so literal they had to put a license plate on it.
You can call me sick and demented but I love seeing hoverboards because I’m hoping to watch someone eat shit on one or it catch fire. Like, I’m not even trying to hide it anymore. I’m straight up blatant about it. Like NASCAR people there to see the wrecks. I want carnage because you’re stupid and I fully buy into Darwinism.
Listen old timer, I don’t have time to play your game of Peak-a-Poo. Cover it up.
Feeling a whole lot better when I let Jesus take the wheel now.
That’s not a haircut. Girl you just put a mop on your head like you’re about to clean up aisle 3.
Hey, why buy the milk at Walmart when you’ve got the cow for free? AmIRightOrAmIRight?
I’m going to assume that you two had a sleepover and someone needed to borrow clothes. I’m praying to sweet baby Jesus that’s the case.
I wish I could say ‘Beetlejuice’ 3 times and your pants would magically appear.
The only thing missing is a little wiener.
It was a quick battle the day the Vikings overtook Fiji.
Sometimes I wish we could all just take a minute and really soak in the messages surrounding us.
Girl stand up! If you sneeze you might paint the floor and Lord knows you’ll leave and make it someone else’s problem.
I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I’ll just go ahead and notify both your parents for you since they clearly aren’t hearing your cries for attention.
Her: You know how dog shit kinda curls up?
Stylist: Say no more.
Listen pal, we drew a line at not letting certain animals into Walmart. Now if you had to guess, which side of the line do you think skunks would fall?
I know camels that would be hella jelly of the perfection that is that camel-toe. Immaculate!
I don’t know about a Redneck Inspector Gadget. I was thinking more along the lines of a Redneck Bounty Hunter, but then again I guess that would just make him Dog the Bounty Hunter. So maybe a shittier version of Dog the Bounty Hunter, if that’s possible?
See more freaks at People of Wal-Mart
Oh there is probably a little wiener, you just can’t see it.
Never mind the camel toe, look at that awesome thigh gap, it’s to die for. Ugghh.
I was going to suggest the guy in orange might be HSF but people already don’t like me.
OH, my eyes! It’ll take a week to recover..
MA
“Stylist: What are you looking for today?
Her: You know how dog shit kinda curls up?
Stylist: Say no more.”
Now that is some funny shit!
My youngest brother and I like to entertain ourselves by watching people do stupid shit in real life. Sometimes we just stand and watch some idiot or group of idiots while coming up with a running commentary. Sometimes we just stand in stunned silence as no words are necessary.
We were trying to exit a parking lot one day when we saw a woman who had clearly driven around several construction barriers to get to where she was. They were pouring a new concrete roadway that was about 10″ thick and her car had about 5″ of ground clearance. She came up to a fresh concrete edge and was attempting to drive off the edge by creeping up on it very slowly. We knew that doing so was going to require a tow truck to reverse the decision and we were riveted on the scene because 1.it was clearly a stupid move and 2. her getting stuck, damaging her car and receiving an expensive tow bill is exactly what she deserved for thinking she was special enough to run the barricades.
Both front tires had just started over the edge when she suddenly thought better of it and backed out, returning to the path he should have been on. My brother and I were so disappointed. Had she just stayed on the slight detour path she’d have got to her destination about 5 minutes sooner.
May favorite was sitting at a light holding up traffic while waiting to see a guy to set himself on fire while pouring gas into his car and trying to light a cigarette at the same time. Jeebuz must have been watching out for him because it was only a miracle that saved him from setting himself on fire. I still don’t know what I’d have done if he’d set himself on fire. I guess I could have backed over him a few times to put the flames out.
I watched another guy, while stopped at a light, stick his hand UNDER a running lawn mower with nary a scratch but I expected to see mangled and severed flesh and him dancing a lively jig. I still wonder if he wasn’t just fucking around with a mower that had no blade installed to freak people out at a busy intersection. He should have lost fingers at the very least!
I sat in a crowded tasca in Madrid one afternoon eating a bocadillo and drinking a beer while watching a cocky pickpocket do his thing. He was so good I couldn’t bring myself to rat him out. Besides, I knew the area was infested with his type so I took precautions. The guy opened a woman’s purse that was slung over her neck and shoulder and at her side. He removed her wallet, took out the cash, put the wallet back and then closed the purse and no one except me and him had any idea it ever happened. It was a thing of beauty!
Another time I was sitting in a Long John Silvers with my concrete crew. I wasn’t eating because I felt bad so I snagged a table and waited for the guys to go through the line. As I sat there I fixated on an employee that was serving food behind the counter. When he wasn’t actually doing something work related he was busy scratching various parts of his body, digging in his nose and digging in his ears (yeah, both of them). Of course he had no gloves on. My boss was the first one to join me at the table having already eaten a bite of two from his plate while walking over. He started flipping me some mild shit about not eating (he was born in Italy) and I told him to put his tray down and watch the fat kid behind the counter for a minute.
He was instantly revolted and started warning the other guys not to eat while pointing out what we’d seen. He was about to go complain to the manager when we all got a surprise as a full SWAT team stormed the restaurant fully roided up and armed. They snagged a dude sitting at a table nearby and had his ass outside so fast I could hardly believe my eyes. They came back in a minute later and started searching the booth he was in looking for something. It all happened so fast that the manager had no idea SWAT had even been there until they came back in to talk to him. The boss went off on the manager getting a refund for all the guys and we left never to return.
This was all before everyone had a piece of iCrap glued to their face. People are interesting!
Ha ha Indented Sphincter. Yer sense of humor is so exquisite ever time I read one uh yer anecdotal hoo hahs I metaphorically shoot mah small intestine straight out mah anus, and literally diarrea mah pants. I’m talkin serious laughin here. Yer stories are basically uh steaming pile uh monkey dookey as far as believability goes, and ter be honest I imagine a 350lb balding retard sittin at his mom’s kitchen table when I read yer horse shit, but all in all, keep up the awesomeness.
Some folks spend a few minutes watching people at Walmarts and all of a sudden there fucking comedians exposing the foibles of the world.
I don’t need to waste time watching idiots, I have an imagination.