Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2015 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return.
Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw”. (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and screwdrivers.”
A letter to the IRS
Would be like writing a letter to the Mafia and telling them to F-off.
Here’s a letter that some poor hapless dad absolutely at the end of his rope, actually wrote to the IRS a couple of decades ago, and it’s my all-time favorite:
”
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.
I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive. It’s only fair that since they are minors and
not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me
more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to
expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to
me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think
it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.
Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of
the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate
Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses. In the future would
you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids
at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent
dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll
have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I’ll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I’m sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
you are denying! It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don’t. The school sends her
to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R’s. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
“nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest. I
still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest. then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won’t
feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me
know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased
the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to
make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob”
Dear IRS,
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation…..
This is just terrific! I love peaceful civil disobedience, especially when humor is involved. Wouldn’t it be great if hundreds of thousands of us get pissed off enough to do this? They can’t Irwin Schiff us all.
Some day, somehow they are going to pay for what they did to Irwin Schiff.
https://www.sovereignman.com/trends/if-your-countrys-broke-dont-hold-all-of-your-savings-there-18922/
The IRS can be ruthless and relentless.
Their compounding interest rates soon take
your owed debt/duty, whatever it is, to the moon.
I recently read an article by a smartie suggesting the
“new” US would involve four regions, autonomous
but connected. I got so excited!! I want to live in the
one that has a flat tax, filed on a postcard, so to speak.
Many many other items on the wish list.