I first met Richard (not his real name) in the fall of 2010. I had just joined a club and his golf group. He was a large, plodding man who enjoyed walking the golf course while guiding his battery powered golf cart around via remote control, sometimes with comic results such as dumping his cart and clubs into a sand trap. He always blamed the mishap on a malfunctioning remote controller. Oh sure, Richard. We shared one common quirk on the golf course. We both wore Sketchers walking sneakers (50 bucks!!!!) while everyone else wore various expensive brands of soft-spike golf shoes. Comfort over image and style.
I knew from the outset that Richard was the retired president of one of America’s premier public engineering universities and served 14 years as such. The school has been rated the #1 engineering university by at least one higher education ranking source. He retired with the title of Chancellor Emeritus, has a building at the university named after him and has more degrees, earned and honorary, than a thermometer.
But it wasn’t until I joined a men-only (no yucky women allowed, heh) luncheon discussion group that I got to know just how brilliant Richard was. When it came to ANY subject related to STEM and he was talking, the watchwords were ….. “Shut up and listen.” Once I gave a pitch on nuclear energy and noticed that Richard was smiling and nodding with approval. After lunch, he complimented me and added a few important pointers I hadn’t included. It was like a “wise professor and promising student” moment, but with a twist. I was in my late 60s; he 10 years my senior. From that point on, we always shared some one-on-one time after lunch. Our conversations were on a wide range of subjects and truly delightful and educational.
Then an email arrived on an early Saturday afternoon in late summer of 2013. Richard and his wife Mary (not her true name) had committed mutual suicide by drowning themselves in their backyard swimming pool that very morning. I was stunned and shocked. The emails and phone calls started to fly. Richard was in perfect health. But not Mary. She was dying from Stage 4 cancer and in great pain, hidden from all but their children. Nearly empty pain killer med containers were found by the poolside. Details on how they drowned themselves surfaced. Richard and Mary had a quiet evening dinner just the evening before at the club, where many members stopped by to chat. All proved to be true.
That incident continues to haunt me. It is clear that Richard did not wish to live without his wife and lifelong soul mate, despite his top-shelf professional accomplishments and deep respect from those who knew him. None of that mattered. All that mattered to him was he was losing his beloved. Period. It is my wish, hopefully, that you just read a 21st Century version of “Romeo and Juliet, Senior Style.”
I also wish, however selfishly, that he were still here.
You were not the selfish one, he was!
SSS
How do you feel about what they did??
If you and your wife were in their shoes, would you do likewise?
What an extremely difficult decision to make, also one I can understand.
My parents are going on 58 years of marriage, both are 80. It’s not a happy one at this point.
Mom is almost deaf, has congestive heart failure, a pig valve in her heart that should have failed three years ago and a tumor on her skull.
Dad broke his hip six years ago, had a stroke five years ago and in the beginning stages of dementia.
Pretty soon we’ll (the kids) have to sell their house and put them in a nursing home. As it is we take turns cooking them supper every night, rake leaves, cut grass, house maintenance, etc.
All the while dad, with his dementia, bitches and swears at you for just about everything you do to help him out. He was a very proud and capable man, so this must be extremely difficult for him to now depend on others for what he always did for others.
My wife and I have been married 36 years, we’ve worked together the last 30 years, and I know I would not be able to function without her.
Life ain’t easy, and that is no life I’d want to endure or burden my children with, so I don’t think going out of this life by my choice is selfish at all, even if I was in good health but the love of my life was not.
Nick and I had this very discussion on the way home from the VA clinic he and I are assigned to visit now that we have moved here to a different insurance region.
A 96 year old WWII Veteran was refusing to return to the nursing home his children had put him in, having “spent” him down to the level of poverty necessary for Medicaid to pay and allow them to take all his accumulated wealth.
I was trying hard to avoid caring one way or another, but I’d seen it up close and personal with both Nick’s father several years ago and then my own father two years ago. They system is designed to steal everything from these dignified folks and leave them wandering hallways in their nightclothes, wondering what the hell happened.
The young juvenile delinquent assigned to drive him to his VA appointment was increasingly getting frustrated at the old man’s refusal to go back. At one point, the young man said “I have another appointment to take someone to and you have to go back.”
The old man looked directly at him and asked “I do not have to go back. Am I a prisoner.”
Then he looked around the waiting room, where a half dozen Veterans were waiting for their names to be called. And he said “Well, am I a prisoner?”
I got called to give blood and have my appointment, but on the way home Nick told me what had happened.
We decided to have our own suicide pact in place with our son fully aware of what we do not want to happen.
SSS… a sad modern tale.
I have errands, but will tell the tale is there is interest. It is so very pertinent to modern issues of elder care and the disaster of the medical system.
by Erin Solari
“My grandparents Laura and Howard have been married 73 years. In this video Howard is 92 and Laura is 93. Laura (Grandma) is at a hospice facility making peace with her final days. I was lucky enough to capture this precious, heart-melting moment between the two of them. Howard (Grandpa) is singing to her their love song, the song that comforted her when he went away to fight in World War II.
At family gatherings, it was not uncommon for the two of them to sing this song together, each taking a verse and serenading the other. In fact, after fifty years of marriage, they renewed their vows and performed this song as a duet for the entire family at the reception. Sadly, Grandma is now too weak to sing, but that doesn’t stop her from saying the words to him (see at 1:00). Howard then takes over for her and sings the rest of the song to her while stroking her face.
Moments before this video began, when Grandma heard that Grandpa was in the room, she asked if she could hold him. Grandpa cannot stand on his own, but he immediately pulled his wheelchair close to her bed ready to make it happen. My cousin, Serena, who is a physical therapist, helped him to his feet and held him up throughout the entire song.
You might notice above her bed there is a sign that says, “Patient Blind.” That is because she has macular degeneration, so she cannot see much of anything but shadows and light. That doesn’t stop her from looking deep into her love’s eyes. Grandpa, on the other hand, has lost most of his hearing, so you’ll notice us repeating things for him since Grandma is to weak to raise her voice.
The song used in the video is “You’ll Never Know” performed by Rosemary Clooney with Harry James. Our family prefers this version because everyone always said Grandma had a voice just like Rosemary Clooney.”
.
here, if video does not post —
S S S , I’m not what I would do.I’m not sure what to think. I have been in the hospital for the last
10 days with some kind of flu .At one point my coughing was so severe it caused internal bleeding. They have me on some of the strongest pain killing medication as well as antibiotics .Fortunately for me they have this sickness under control..
This experience has taught me the meaning of the words: Pain ( unbearable at times ) and sickness .There have been several times I thought I would be better off dying just to get rid of the physical pain.Maybe your friend was just tired of the physical pain of having to watch his wife DIE.
My great-grandparents did this. Only with firearms. The police ruled it a murder-suicide even though the note said different.
I’ve been with my wife for 10 years. We only grow more in love as time flies on. I’m not sure if I can deal with that, if the time comes.
One of my oldest friends parents died in much the same way. Her mom was in the late stages of Alzheimer’s. Her dad took her to the back bedroom shot her and then himself. They were both wonderful people. I had known them both since my freshmen year of college ( 1979 )
What a bittersweet story –
I know this opinion is not a popular one but I absolutely believe in assisted suicide – yes I believe myself to be a religious man, and I know what the likely outcome will be. However, I cannot and will not be a burden to my family and live my last days, weeks, months or years being a burden. Living a life in pain and generally not living the life I want – I am not saying living the life of a king here – just be independent. If my wife leaves first – I will soon be departed as well.
Who are we to judge those people? All I know is that my wife of 47 years has my back all the time every time. Don’t know what I would do without her. Will cross that bridge when we get there.
Hang tough bb.
My eyes got dust or something in them watching that video, Stucky, then I had to answer the damn business phone a little choked up.
I gotta go shoot something to get my man feelings back, jesh.
We are total failures – we do not teach our children how to live, and we do not show them how to die.
My dad was slowly losing it – bad circulation after two or three heart attacks was robbing him of presence, but not so much that he occasionally didn’t come back around and realize he’d been gone. He eventually decided his final goal was to die at home, but it was not to be.
My mother loved him too much – she called the ambulance that last time and sent him to the hospital. They stabilized him and sent him to another – who tried to heal him, an impossibility. He fought and tried not to cooperate. I was listening over my sister’s phone as they fussed with him – “You have to help us help you! Don’t you realize what will happen if you don’t do what we tell you?” “I AM EIGHTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN! LET ME GO HOME!”
They decided if he could walk across the room, he would be strong enough to go home. They lifted him out of bed and set him on his feet – he took a few steps, collapsed, and died before they could revive him again.
I sorrow at the memory even though he is free – something so simple, to die at home, but the medical system could not allow it. We need to figure out better ways to leave this earth, and teach our children not to send us to torture before death, even if it’s well-meaning torture. Mom is still living, alone, and I suspect her ambition is to be found dead the next morning before she goes into a nursing home.
Poignant. Kudos to the man for displaying such uncommon loyalty and love to his spouse. Had the genders been reversed, his wife likely would not have done similar. Men created loyalty, woman have eroded its precipice since time immemorial.
I “suffer” from great health. At 55, all of my years as a competitive cyclist, runner, and physical specimen have paid off handsomely. I eat organic, raw, and practice toxin avoidance. Do yoga, run, lift and have only serial and staccato relationships with women. Quit my tech jobs every few years, and take three months off to smell the roses, and plunder wimmin in SE Asian countries not pegged to the dollar almighty/hallelujah.
So, understanding the inexorable march of time, I was recently pleased when my 80 something Mom went quickly. The white coats milked her, and my sister and I quite well. For about 6 months. But Mom, willed herself to die. I could see it in her eyes. A proud woman, who taught me so well, was not going to become a burden on anyone. Especially not, if she could no longer play cards with her gang. A routine, they had shared for nearly 50 years.
So, I have enough Nembutal to reduce a hippo to smiles in seconds, a helium deliverance bag, and 80,000+ rounds of ammo. Depending upon how much I like the people I expect to find me, I will choose a method when Father Time reduces this still very proud Cold Warrior to dependency. I take no medication. Receive no vaccinations. Bath and drink only reverse osmosis water, and stare very starkly in to the realities Nietzsche himself warned us against.
Because, who really wants to cling to life, if you can’t even wipe your own ass?
“We need to figure out better ways to leave this earth, and teach our children not to send us to torture before death, even if it’s well-meaning torture”
This – imho – has become the primary sickness of the progressive/regressive left. Most of what they do to the rest of us is out of fear – primarily of their own mortality. Gun control, mandatory vaccines – all of it – comes about primarily because they are completely disconnected with their place in this world. Ironically – their inability to embrace their mortality has led to a sort of zombified existence. Their fear of death has made them into the living dead and created a living cult of death. Being in touch with our mortality does not preclude that we will be violent and disrespectful – quite the opposite – it is the recognition of it that leads to its respect and the understanding that life is a gift – if not a temporary one.
The choice to live or die is a personal one. My dad’s father was killed in a logging accident when my dad was about 16. He and my grandmother had raised 6 children (my father being the youngest) and were still very much in love with another when he died. Grandma died a few years ago at the age of 91 – she had a sense of humour and was a good lady but pined for my grandfather till the day she left this earth. She spent close to 50 years in mourning – literally – but still lived a full life, watched us all grow and saw her great grandchildren come into the world. Was it worthwhile? I guess the bottom line is we all have to answer that one for ourselves. After being with my other half for 20 years I can’t imagine a life without her. But like all things – we get to cross those bridges when we come to them. Hopefully not any time soon.
There comes a point, at about age 80 I would say, that most extreme medical interventions become immoral. Bypass operations, chemotherapy, comprehensive treatment for pneumonia, etc. are interfering with the natural progression of the body’s transition away from earthly life, and often reduce the quality of life that remains. Mercy gets all tangled up with profiteering from the destructive forces of old age.
Richard found one solution. I wonder if the complete Plan was shared with Mary?
Since I am single, my biggest fear is being a burden to my children. If the day comes that I have to be put in a nursing home, if I still have my wits about me, I plan to completely lose my appetite if you know what I mean.
“There comes a point, at about age 80 I would say, that most extreme medical interventions become immoral. ” ———- Gayle
You probably won’t feel that way when you’re 79.
My grandpa had his third heart attack when he was 78. He was one tough SOB, grew up in Detroit, moved to the west side of the state and married my divorced grandma.
They traveled Alaska many times in their four wheel drive truck camper, spent weeks alone on rivers staying in trapper shacks or a tents, killed bears, moose, caribou, fished, etc.
Grandpa wanted to go home and die, he knew this was it and he had a good life and wanted it to end on his terms.
They forced him to stay, said it was for legal reasons. He got up to leave and they called a male nurse to help, he pushed grandpa back a little to strong so grandpa split his lip.
They strapped my grandpa to his bed.
With tears in his eyes he asked me to cut him loose and bring him home so he could die there, when I said I couldn’t do that, he called me a chicken shit bastard.
He died strapped to his bed two days later, I was 13 years old and I live with this regret because I was a chicken shit bastard.
Never again.
Goddamn fucking dust again…..
I recently watched my father die over a 5 year period. Hospital visit after hospital visit. The man he was and the man he was during those five years were totally different. I’ve gotten over the man he was the last five years and now mostly remember the good things. The thing that really hit me though was how much money was spent keeping him alive those last five years. Medicare picked it all up. That is a super major problem for all of us. Think of all those smokers/drinkers/eaters turning 65 and sucking money out of the system.
SSS, your story got me teary eyed. My wife was sitting across the table and asked me why I had tears in my eyes. I told her Dustin Pedroia struck out four times.
Stucky
You’re probably right.
But I remember my great aunt, living in the nursing home with severe dementia in her 80’s. She got a nasty case of pneumonia, which was a pathway to her freedom, but which she was not allowed to travel. They treated her, so she got to live on in her misery for a while longer. Whose interests were served?
Sorry – sounds real foolish to me. Very co-dependent.
Been married 45 years. If my wife predeceases, it would be a chance to have several years of a independent life.
Dutchman
You sound like you have a cold heart, made of stone.
Maybe Dutchman can get one of those sex bots since he is so fond the concept. He could program her to like him……
Sex bots – sounds like a good idea – if you don’t have to blow them up anymore!
Seriously, yes, I’d miss / mourn my wife – for a while – but I have a life of my own (maybe cause I was the only child). Don’t see anything hard hearted about it.
I’m not signing nuffin !!!
Narcissist much Dutchman?
Hey BB, feel better. Sounds pretty rough.
And Prince is dead
R.I.P. Prince.
Preliminary investigations report that Da Joos killed him. Actually the flu … but, I’m sure it was a Joo flu.
Dutch, life goes on and every man makes his own decisions. We should respect that as long as he harms no one.
Gayle, I can tell you from personal experience that 74 seems a hell of a lot younger than it used to. Again to each his own.
SSS – your friend sounds like he was an amazing individual. If he was my friend, I’d miss him too. My condolences.
Stucky,
Thank you for sharing the love story of your grandparents.
After my eyes quit tearing, I saved the page to my fav bookmark folder.
It was the best post of the day.
Some of the American Indians had an end-of-life practice of wandering off into the wilderness and letting nature take them however it would. That approach has always appealed to me. I want to leave something to my son and my wife, and I don’t want to suffer through every stage of the end-of-life process.
Maybe I’ll get a cabin somewhere remote, stock it with liquor and beer, and whatever else, and celebrate the end until the end…
Stucky and others:
I’m not talking knee and hip replacements,,cataract surgery or other therapies that improve the quality of life is someone that is functioning well. I’m talking about something like pancreatic cancer diagnosed at age 83. As for me, I’d refuse chemotherapy and ask to be helped to be as strong and comfortable as possible for the time I have left.
I just watched a friend in her early sixties go through several rounds of chemo. She was sick as a dog and miserable for two years and then she died. No thank you.
We still have a fair amount of leeway in these matters, but I’m betting the owners of the socialist paradise forming around us will be making more and more decisions for us, especially if we are old.
Gayle
I fully understand what you are saying. I THINK I feel exactly the same way.
All I am saying is that until that actual moment in time is upon us …. when we hold that gun to our temples, and our fingers on the trigger …. none of us really really knows what we will actually do. Some of us just might not be able to do it, regardless of the pain. Well, really, I’m speaking for myself, I suppose.
Bob at 5:30 pm. That is my modus operandi. I’m already doing it. I watched both my parents die over several years. It was horrible and terrifying. It made me want to live hard, die young and leave a good-looking corpse. Until then, I just watch the world die through the lens of The Burning Platform. I only hope I can shoot a few bankers first before traveling to the great beyond. Maybe I am being ironical. Maybe not. Maybe I’m not sure.
Well whose life is it, for crying out loud?
Your life belongs to you, not the “public” and not the state. YOU are the person who gets to decide whether it’s still worth living.
I don’t think I’d take myself out just because my sweety was dying, but I wouldn’t suffer through years of major health problems, and I SURE as hell won’t end up in a nursing home. And then again, he and are are only in our 40s, so I might feel differently after 30 more years with him.
When I get to the point where I can’t wipe my own ass anymore, I’ll just wander out into a snowstorm, to look for my sweet little old pug lady who died last year. Then, if the Great Pug Buddha is willing, I’ll find her.
“SSS – your friend sounds like he was an amazing individual. If he was my friend, I’d miss him too. My condolences.”
—-Uncommon
Thanks, Uncommon. Lots of good, interesting comments thus far.
After golf today, I sat next to a retired ENT surgeon and teaching professor at the University of Kansas Medical School. He was also a close friend of Richard, which I knew and so steered our conversation to Richard. He told me that, while Richard was healthy, he had a fear of contracting dementia or Alzheimer’s. That I didn’t know, and my table mate continued, “Hell, he was so smart that if he lost half his brain, no one would notice.”
What a funny, but fitting, tribute.
Yeas BB, hang tough, my prayers are with you. As I noted in the Prince thread, there is some type of sickness going around in the U.S. and it is not “the flu”, at least not influenza. Antibiotics are of no help for a viral infection. I hope you are receiving them to control or prevent opportunistic bacterial infections.
A funny and fitting tribute, indeed! However, not as good as yours above. Just my opinion.
I know what it’s like to miss people. 2013 was three years ago. But in some ways it feels like yesterday. That’s the way it works, I guess.
Thank you for sharing this story. It’s one I won’t forget. Have a good weekend…
Dutchman says:
Sorry – sounds real foolish to me. Very co-dependent.
Been married 45 years. If my wife predeceases, it would be a chance to have several years of a independent life.
………..
Yes, weak pussies who cant live without their ‘other half’. Youre meant to be the rock of stability that guides and reassures the others, the shelter in the storm, NOT give your kids and grandkids double the shock and grief. A long marriage is just a bonus in life with upside and downside. Wife dies you lose the upside but also the downside. 20 yr olds fall in love and swear they cant live without each other , but they usually do when it ends. Husband or wife wants a divorce or cheats, happens to over half of couples now, but not a reason to top yourself. It can seem like it, but you can get through that, dont give a temporary problem a permanent solution. And dont take that sad state if mind with you to whatever waits after death. Whi knows, u could be stuck like that a really long time. Better to use whats left to get happier and go out like that. No your husband or wife is a bonus in life, not your whole reason for living or at least as a man youre not worth respecting. If Im really physically finished and nothing but a pain in the ass Ill do something like walk up to a crocodile or grizzly bear, or say put a bullet in me boy or ill drive 100mph into a tree and you wont be getting that car.