CHAPEL HILL (The Borowitz Report) — An organization of University of North Carolina athletic boosters expressed shock and outrage today over a report that a few members of U.N.C. sports teams may have taken real classes, despite the widespread availability of fake ones.
The report, which alleges that several players may have fulfilled the curriculum requirements of actual classes, sent shock waves through the U.N.C. booster community.
“These players apparently attended classes, wrote papers, and took exams,” Hal Cowlington, the president of a prominent U.N.C. booster club, said. “The impact of these distractions on their athletic performance is, to put it mildly, incalculable.”
A spokesman for the university was quick to say that the cases of athletes taking real classes appeared to be “isolated incidents,” but promised that U.N.C. would press forward with a full investigation of the matter.
“As a university, it is our sacred duty to protect our athletes from education,” the university spokesman said. “We can—and we must—do better.”
Get news satire from The Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox.