DUMBASS FAT CAT, CRAZY LADY, & SECTION 8 AT THE BEACH

The start of summer wouldn’t be complete without a reposting of this TBP classic from 2011. When I re-read the story and the comments, I miss AWD more than ever. His last comment ever on TBP to me was to have fun in Wildwood.

UPDATE:  Fat Moe’s days at the shore are over. He left for the big litter box in the sky. The Section 8 couple, skinny Mike and Fat Foul Mouthed Joyce broke up when Mike was sent to State Prison for selling heroin in a school zone. She immediately shacked up with a huge black dude who ended up taking her away to Florida.

We sold the condo in January 2019, so no more Section 8 stories. It was an interesting 12 years as a condo owner. Now we’re just renters.

UPDATE: My real estate acumen has been proven once again. We had the condo up for sale for 3 years without a nibble from 2016 through 2018. We finally sold it for $240,000 – an $85,000 loss after 12 years. The condo above ours just sold for $389,000, two years after we sold. At least I got that big tax writeoff.

Enjoy

I bet you’ve been waiting for another cat story. Well this one doesn’t involve my dumbass cats. The start of my vacation didn’t exactly go the way I wanted. I worked until 5:00 pm last Friday. Avalon headed down with the kids and the cats earlier in the day. I had to go pick up my mother and her fat cat after work to bring them down. I bet you are all jealous. Avalon, my three kids, one friend, one girlfriend, a mother, and three cats in my one floor condo. Sounds relaxing, doesn’t it.

My mother’s cat is the size of a freaking house. She says he is just big boned.

white fat cat

We had to practically pry him into his cat carrier for the 2 hour trip to Wildwood. This cat never meows, according to my mother. Well, from the second I put him in my little Honda Insight, this cat never shut the f#$k up. He meowed non-stop the entire trip. We figured out why he was meowing about 45 minutes into the trip when the aroma of cat piss started wafting through my very tiny car. This was supposed to be the start of my relaxing vacation and my blood pressure was rising by the second.

We arrived in Wildwood with a fat dumbass cat covered in his own piss. This is where the story gets surreal. My crazy ass mother decides to get the hose and spray the cat down in his carrier. Not the brightest move of all time. She now had a fat, urine soaked, wet, panicked cat in the carrier. I ignored the festivities as I lugged luggage into the house. I brought the carrier onto the deck.

These Cats Are Pissed to Be Wet [14 Pictures] @Misty Cash

You were probably wondering how Section 8 housing in the title of the article could be involved in a story that takes place at a shore resort, a half a block from the Atlantic Ocean. I’ll address the Section 8 aspect later, but for now you need to know that a black family consisting of a 50 year old guy that doesn’t work, his 350 pound loud mouth wife, her 75 year old mother with a walker, and a teenage dullard live in the condo unit next to ours year round. That’s right. No one in the house works and they live at a beach resort year round.

Evidently, they don’t like to waste their government money on air conditioning. They leave their front door completely open so that you can see them in their living room and kitchen. Well, they used to leave their door open until the crazy old lady and her fat cat incident. My mother had her knee replaced five weeks ago. She isn’t the most mobile 75 year old and she sometimes doesn’t show much common sense. She decided to dry Fat Moe with a towel before letting him inside. One problem. Fat Moe was in panic mode and as soon as my mother unhooked the carrier, Fat Moe made a beeline into the black family’s house. The old guy thought it was a rabid possum. Without introducing herself, my crazy mother ran into their house after Moe. The 350 pound lady screamed because she is afraid of wet urine soaked cats. In the meantime, I continued to lug bags up the stairs while muttering under my breath – DUMBASS.

The cat ran into the dullard teenager’s room and hid under the bed. My mother, with her new knee, spent 20 minutes trying to get fat Moe out of their house. She eventually succeeded. Moe still smelled like piss, so my mother and Avalon grabbed him and threw him in the tub and washed him down with Victoria Secret shampoo. He looked like a fat drowned rat and they decided to blow dry him. My mother held him and Avalon used her blow dryer on him. He liked it.

Later, on the deck, the 350 pound lady asked if my mother was alright, inferring that she was crazy. Not far from the truth. By the end of the night, Fat Moe was the best smelling cat in Wildwood.

Section 8 at Beach Resorts?

My condo is one of 7 units located a half block from the beach in Wildwood. They were built in 2001. One guy bought 3 of the units pre-construction as an investment. His name is Pete. He owns one of the largest blueberry farms in NJ. He shall be known as Fat Pete for the remainder of the story, as he weighs approximately 500 pounds. He sold me our unit in 2004 and sold one of his other units later. He continues to own the unit next to mine. For awhile, he let friends and family, use his unit. But, as the real estate market imploded, he has been left owning 9 different investment properties in Wildwood. He needed cash flow. This is where the story gets interesting.

I have very little understanding about Section 8 housing. Here is a description:

 Section 8 of the United States Housing Act of 1937 (often simply known as Section 8), as repeatedly amended, authorizes the payment of rental housing assistance to private landlords on behalf of approximately 3.1 million low-income households. It operates through several programs, the largest of which, the Housing Choice Voucher program, pays a large portion of the rents and utilities of about 2.1 million households. The US Department of Housing and Urban Development manages the Section 8 programs. The Housing Choice Voucher Program provides “tenant-based” rental assistance, so an assisted tenant can move with assistance from one unit of at least minimum housing quality to another. Section 8 also authorizes a variety of “project-based” rental assistance programs, under which the owner reserves some or all of the units in a building for low-income tenants, in return for a Federal government guarantee to make up the difference between the tenant’s contribution and the rent specified in the owner’s contract with the government. A tenant who leaves a subsidized project will lose access to the project-based subsidy.

Somehow, Fat Pete got approval to turn his unit into Section 8 housing. He is evidently receiving $2,000 per month in rent from you and me so that this family of “poor” people can live year round in a beach resort, one half block from the Atlantic Ocean. I’m positive there are multiple Social Security disability payments pouring into their bank account. The 350 pound loud mouth is surely disabled. She parks her car in a meter spot for free because she has her little disability tag. When did being a pig and being grossly overweight become a disability? The old lady with the walker is definitely getting a payment. I don’t know what scam the 50 year old dude has going, since he is clearly able bodied. He sits on the deck reading the paper and drinking beer. They probably get something for the dullard.

As the country spends $4 billion per day more than it brings in, how many of these scams are going on across the land? This shit needs to end. These lowlife deadbeats need to work and earn a living rather than suck off the teat of state. Yeah, we need massive cuts in the military. We need to crush the banks. We need to scrap the tax code. But, we need to throw lazy pieces of shit out of their cushy resort living fantasy land too. As you slave away at your 8 to 6 job trying to make ends meet, remember that you are paying your taxes so that lazy freeloaders can live in a beach resort for free.

So concludes my story about a fat dumbass cat, a crazy old lady, and Section 8 at the beach.

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IndenturedServant

T4C says:
“whatever…..just obey the fucking speed limit okay?”

On the logging road portion I have to take a chain saw to cut the trees that met their fate this past winter so speed is not a problem. You also have examine any washout portions for weakness that might cause a slide when you drive over or through it.

I’ve been on the Snake river in Hells Canyon fishing for sturgeon when the river was 20′ above flood stage and both the river and canyon are magnificent but nothing beats the view from the rim above. The Seven devils Range is on the Idaho side and is more than 8000 feet above the river. The Grand Canyon isn’t even that deep! Seven devils also runs along the Salmon river canyon and the highway runs right next to it for quite some distance. The road is excellent and with the long, sweeping turns and curves you can run the whole length at 80-100mph with hills rising thousands of feet on both sides.

I’ll be taking the slow poke route though on the west (Oregon) side of the canyon and the roads are terrible with lots of frost heave damage. They don’t even bother to paint road markings up there because the winters are so severe.

If any of you monkeys ever make a trip out here to the ID, WA, MT, OR area let me know and I can turn you on to some areas so beautiful and breathtaking it will just make you cry.

Rise Up
Rise Up

Mo’s Bacon Bar – $7 at Wegman’s grocery:

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Fabulous
Fabulous

Melt those bars in a chocolate fountain and dip chunks of bacon. Do it now. Yummy.

Rise Up
Rise Up

@Indentured: “I’m going to try driving an old logging road that parallels Hell’s Canyon on the Snake river for about 30 miles with 5000 to 6000 foot sheer drops to the river below.”

That brings back scary memories of the time I took my ’73 Chevy Custom 4×4 stepside pickup with a 4″ lift kit down an unpaved backroad into Hell’s Canyon. The truck started bouncing on the buckboard road ever closer to the cliff–man was that a close one–had to hit the brakes just right (gingerly) and get the tranny into 2nd gear. No guardrails either! Going back up was no problem. Beautiful country! I miss the northwest.

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IndenturedServant

Riseup, I know it’s not but that switchback looks like the old White Bird pass in Idaho. Whitebird was the site where despite being outnumbered 2 to 1, the Nez Perce Indians massacred the US 1st Calvary. This whole area is magnificently beautiful and steeped in history. I’ll be heading down the west side of the Snake to Wallowa Lake where Chief Joseph’s father was buried.

Driving these back roads is great but you really need to be careful. I’ve been in situations like the one you describe both as a driver and passenger. My brother and I went Chukkar hunting one morning and parked on top of a steep ass hill. We didn’t realize the ground was frozen and headed off to walk the terrain. When we got back the truck had slid into a precarious position as the ground thawed and turned into something akin to snot. It took quite a bit of butt puckering maneuvering to get turned around. Once headed in the right direction the truck would just slide downhill sideways until we hit a rock or sage brush and then it would tip up onto two wheels while our ass cracks desperately tried to grip the seat fabric. We even had to open the passenger side (uphill) door and I had to lean my fat ass way out to try to keep the truck from tipping. Not fun. However, you’ll never feel more alive than right after experiences like that.

I just got the cold sweats writing about that experience. I’m not afraid of dieing, I just don’t want to be beat to death in the cab of a truck rolling sideways down a mountain.

Bostonbob

I can’t believe this is 5 years old. It is still a great read. Makes me miss AWD.
Bob.

James the Wanderer

Great story, and I totally sympathize.

Our long-departed Shadow was the second pet we got after marriage; ornery beast lasted 18 years. One time the dog Penny gave her fleas; Shadow was miserable, Penny was miserable and something had to be done. Shampooing the carpet was straightforward; shampooing the dog was easy. It came time to wash the cat.
Carry the unsuspecting cat into the bathroom and lock the door. Start the water, get it a nice warm / not hot temperature. Wet down the cat, who objects loudly to the procedure. Shampoo the cat, who hates the smell and objects more. Start rinsing the cat: cat has had enough and wraps both paws, claws out, around my left wrist. Wrap right hand behind cat’s head and close circle around neck with left hand. Tell cat, “You have a decision to make” in Dirty Harry voice. Cat, who heretofore has indifferent command of “come here” (without food reinforcement), “go away” (with or without food reinforcement), or “leave that alone” (applied to shredding furniture), suddenly perfectly understands English, tone and subtext. Cat retracts claws, bath is quickly finished, toweling is declined and cat leaves bathroom at warp speed at first opportunity.
You just have to know how to get your point across.

RiNS

I had to come back and read this. Good times. That’s a funny story James!

James the Wanderer

After it was over, it was funny to me too! At the time, cat homicide was a real possibility – and I think Shadow knew that, and relented.

RiNS

Your Cat is named Shadow. It triggered this memory from my youth. I used to listen to this broadcast every week. A bit off topic but thought I’d post this….

One has to wonder what thoughts that Cat had that day. Only the Shadow knows…

Bostonbob

Admin,
Never fails to get me to laugh, what a great re-post. Certain things are well worth re-reading and this is one of them.
Thanks,
Bob.

nkit
nkit

You learn something everyday. I just figured out that Section 8 Housing is one of those grammatical eggcorns. All this time I thought it was Section Ape Housing. Based upon the picture above I might have been right all this time.

fear & loathing

the bar is calling, enjoy your holiday and remember the guys who are no more thanks to our supreme leaders

IndenturedServant

“Evidently Fat Pete, the owner, didn’t like paying taxes or his mortgage, so the city condemned his property and the bank is suing him. So at least it will be quiet on the deck for a change.”

Sounds like great investment opportunity admin! 😉

Hondo
Hondo

Why the hell didn’t our ancestors just pick their own cotton?!

Vixen Vic
Vixen Vic

I agree with that statement, Hondo. The south is full of ex-slaves. Wish more would move up north to the land that wanted them free.

YourAverageJoe

That fat bastard ate two other cats before posing for the picture

Zarathustra

I miss Hope@zerok aka Superwoman. I hope she’s okay. We had a beer summit in Sugar Land TX a couple of years ago.

IndenturedServant

I think she’s probably planning her doomstead in Idaho. Except for Alaska, she could not have picked a more sublime state for a doomstead.

Gayle

Admin

I hope you get new neighbors who are as entertaining as the last ones.

deplorably stanley
deplorably stanley

I remember your Wildwood posts so well, you were fabulous. I’ve loved all of you family tales over the years, the happy and the sad.

Hard to believe this was from 2011. Back in the day.

The world is shattering now, right underneath our feet and nobody notices.

Thanks Jim, for everything.

Suzanna
Suzanna

Admin,
I love this story! It is SO funny.
Just “life at the beach.” BTW,
you are a kind and good husband
and father, and son.
We all love you.

Not Sure

Great to see the story again and just as great to see all the commenters sharing and caring.

love to all, happy 4th!

JLS
JLS

I am curious how very obese people feel. Do they have any guilt and shame? Or any concern about their health consequence?

Last two years, I ate quite a lot of ketogenic diet. My BMI dropped from 26 to 24. No need to limit food portion, just eat ketogenic (and organic the same time).

Steve C
Steve C

That cat looks like it sat on an air hose…

RiNS

Speaking of fat cats and former section 8 homeowners another sista has moved on up, leaving behind good bones for others to pick up.

IluvCO2
IluvCO2

I thought IS came back, Fooled me, miss him.

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