President Obama has achieved something amazing. He’s made more people dependent on the government and taxpayers than any other leader in history. Accordingly, he is also trying to subvert the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and has, in fact, drafted a new declaration: The Declaration of Dependance. It will replace the outdated Declaration of Independence, and better speaks to the 128 million Americans in their current state of Welfare, disability, subsidies, hand-outs, and unlimited unemployment benefit-vacations. We’re all dependent now: Those taking our taxes, and those making our taxes (and debt). Forward!
Obama Inauguration Proclaims Declaration of Dependence
In his Second Inauguration, President Obama proclaims the Declaration of Dependence to Inaugurate the Untied States of America to henceforth be untied to the static, unimaginative philosophy of Eighteenth Century Males who were utterly lacking in mynhood.
Hereafter, instead of mindlessly seeking to be a nation of laws in the form of written principles in the Constitution governing three branches of government in a way to prevent one branch usurping the powers of the others and of the people, we shall follow the Modern Path of seeking to be a nation Dependent upon a Living Constitution addressed to “Ye the People” and embodied in the Minds of Our Beloved Leaders who are blessed with the Wisdom to best know what principles ought to be deemed most important at any given time without being “wedded” (a now obsolete societal concept anyway) to the antiquated views of Eighteenth Century Males. People to the Power!
The Declaration of Dependence:
In Washington, D.C., January 21, 2013.
Declaration of Dependence for Inhabitants of the Untied States of America:
When in the Course of Humyn events, it become necessary for one persyn to dissolve the political bondage to the dictates of ancient, white Euro-Centric Male Landowners, which dictates have heretofore enslaved the Modern Inhabitants of that part of what once was the Northern/Western remnant of the Pre-European-Invasion Super-Continent of Pangea, and to assume among the powers of Nature, the equal status to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s Good and Proper Clause entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Humyns requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the dissolution.
We hold it to be self-evident that all modern humyns are endowed with unalienable Ruth by the Obamanator, that among these are: Loaf, Libating, and the Happiness of Pursuit of the Obamanator’s Goals.– That to secure these Rites, Obama was elected by the Modern Humyns thereby deriving his just powers from the con of the governed, — That whenever any Status of Liberty becomes disharmonious with such Rites, it is the Rite of the People to relinquish such status and to institute new Rites laying their foundation on principles of Collective Harmony and organizing such Rites in such manner as to Obama shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
Therefore, the Dead Constitution drafted by the now-dead Euro-Centric Males is hereby replaced with the Living Constitution, which can only speak through the wise lips of its Prophet, Obama, or such Administrators as He may appoint to implement his Will.
To that End, the new, Living Constitution shall begin by addressing “Ye the People” with the command to comport themselves at all times in harmony with Nature’s Will as Revealed by Obama (or by such Administrators as He may from time to time appoint as Interpreters thereof). The Agency heretofore primarily responsible for such interpretations under the pseudonym “Environmental Protection Agency” shall henceforth be known by its true name and mission as the “Environmental Perfection Agency.” The agency heretofore pseudonymically known as the Center for Disease Control shall henceforth be known as the Center for Diagnostic Categorization to identify and classify for re-education those people still afflicted with the mental burdens of outdates precepts of seeking individual progress at the expense uniformly collective progress or the mental burdens of obsessive, irrational notions of a need for possession of weaponry for protection, which irrational fears spring from their heretical views that the Collective may be unable to protect them from other mentally unbalanced inhabitants.
Finally, to promote Peace and Harmony throughout all lands of the Earth, the Department of Defense will be replaced by a bigger, better-funded Civilian National Security Force which will steadfastly resist fear-mongering claims by the not-yet-re-educated inhabitants that other powers on Earth may pose threats to the security of our Collective, and we Hereby Declare that Henceforth we are the Untied States of America — Untied to the Dead, Eurocentric Males who lacked Mynhood.
~
Among the most important accomplishments of this Declaration of Dependence is that it replaces the outmoded concept of individual “rights” to act autonomously with the modern concept of “Rites” involving the duty of inhabitants of the Untied States of America to scrupulously follow prescriptions and obey proscriptions of their leaders to experience the benefit of things to which they can thereby be deemed “entitled” and to thereby enjoy the Happiness of Pursuit of the Collective Good as described from time to time by President Obama (or whomever he may designate as his Administrative Assistant for such purposes).
As was most insightfully stated by leaders of Organizers for Obama, now to be known as Organizers for Action, “We are all little siblings now”:
AWD says:
The first law passed under the “Declaration of Dependence” will be:
The Americans With No Abilities Act
President Barack Obama and the Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With No Ability. The Transportation Security Agency was a close runner up. Under the act, it will be perfectly acceptable to be in second place.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the nonabled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a nonabled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Vice President Joe Biden: “As an ex-senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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22nd January 2013 at 4:21 pm
napari says:
AWD-your posts and comments are fab! Keep up the good work plz.
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22nd January 2013 at 4:25 pm
AWD says:
The first three recipients of benefits of the “Americans with no abilities” act:
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22nd January 2013 at 4:36 pm
AWD says:
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22nd January 2013 at 4:43 pm
Bostonbob says:
AWD, I don’t know how you do it. Keep them coming, this is a great way to finish off my day before the wonderful commute home on Route 128, no 30 blocks of sqalor , just 30 miles of bumper to bumper traffic.
Thank you,
Bob.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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22nd January 2013 at 5:09 pm
Hope@ZeroKelvin says:
Here’s my last take on the Annunciation, besides the fact that Beyonce did a MilliVanilli and lip synched the whole thing,
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22nd January 2013 at 5:28 pm
Stan says:
Welcome to Obama’s America.
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22nd January 2013 at 5:47 pm
bluestem says:
I need a new keyboard after the picture of the gal in the “whitie-tighties” Mercy. John
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22nd January 2013 at 6:19 pm
llpoh says:
Nice work, AWD.
There is approximately 25% or so of the population that is unemployable in a modern, technically advanced economy. It will be a major problem going forward. Maybe we should air drop those pills mentioned in another thread into the areas those folks live, and hope for the best.
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22nd January 2013 at 6:49 pm
AWD says:
“There is approximately 25% or so of the population that is unemployable in a modern, technically advanced economy.”
They’re called “Government employees” and there are 30 million of them.
Down with the depressing negativity of the old Bill of Rights!
Up with the uplifting positivity of the new Bill of Wants!
I believe we need both. Bill of Rites for the more sophisticated comrade and Bill of Wants for the comrade of more limited understanding or undocumented status. Rites will be sufficient for those comrades who revel in pageantry, promises and parades. Wants for comrades who, being allowed to express their desires and assured by leadership of being heard, can happily abide by the dictates of the State. This is what we have today, it simply needs to be written and published.
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22nd January 2013 at 7:22 pm
sensetti says:
Great post AWD
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22nd January 2013 at 8:21 pm
Steve Hogan says:
Since you’ve gone to the trouble of editing the Declaration, I thought it only right for me to try my hand at the Bill of Rights. This is what I posted on my Facebook page:
It should be painfully clear to anyone still breathing that the U.S. Constitution is a dead letter. In light of the present reality, I’ve taken the liberty to re-write the Bill of Rights to more accurately reflect the situation. Without further ado, here we go.
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law…oh, wait. Never mind. Congress can set up free speech zones, pepper spray people peaceably assembling, and harass those that have the temerity to petition the government for redress of grievances.
Amendment II
The people shall have the right to bear arms. Possessing a left arm and a right arm are perfectly acceptable. On the other hand, anything that could be used to defend one’s self is forbidden. We have the police for that. They’ll be there any day now to draw the chalk line around your rotting corpse.
Amendment III
Soldiers can go wherever they damn well please, because they’re here to make us safe.
Amendment IV
Warrants? We don’t need no stinkin’ warrants. We will irradiate, fondle, sexually assault, or spy on you for any reason whatsoever. Do you feel safe yet?
Amendment V
Double jeopardy is fine, triple jeopardy is even better. Kangaroo courts are so much easier than those pesky grand juries. Self-incrimination is encouraged, but due process is highly frowned upon.
Amendment VI
We’ll give you a speedy trial if we feel like it. Otherwise, we’ll call you an enemy combatant and stick you in a government cage until hell freezes over. And lawyers are so overrated.
Amendment VII
We’re not sure what common law means, so we’re going to ignore this.
Amendment VIII
Sensory deprivation? Stress positions? Blaring music and keeping the lights on 24 hours? Waterboarding? It’s all good. Haven’t you heard we are at war?
Amendment IX
You’ll get whatever rights we decide to give you.
Amendment X
We’ll do whatever we want, as much as we want, whenever we want, for as long as we want. Get used to it.
There. All better now.
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22nd January 2013 at 8:26 pm
rune says:
Steve – and since the poh-poh can push you into cardiac arrest by tasering after chasing you on foot for a few miles, the only rights they have to read you are your last rites.
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22nd January 2013 at 9:56 pm
Makati1 says:
If there be any civilization that survives this mess, and they write a true history of America, it will never get published. No one is ever going to believe the events happening now unless they lived through them and watched from the outside. The sheeple cannot see the insanity because they are ALL insane and believe it is normal. We few who look in through the clear glass of reality just shake our heads and thank whatever powers that be that we are not one of them. Unfortunately the insane still have their finger on the nuclear button and there may not be any civilization left to write our history.
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22nd January 2013 at 2:48 am
backwardsevolution says:
AWD – so well done!
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22nd January 2013 at 12:33 pm
AWD says:
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22nd January 2013 at 1:23 pm
jm says:
do i ever love american citizens, forget hell
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22nd January 2013 at 10:00 pm