Nation Happily Reassured That ExxonMobil Made Profits Of $44.9 Billion In 2012
‘Thank God!’ Relieved Citizens Report
HOUSTON—According to reports from across the nation, all 315 million residents of the United States exhaled in relief and expressed a contented sense of reassurance Friday on news that the ExxonMobil Corporation had recorded nearly $45 billion in profits last year. “Oh, thank God!” said visibly relieved part-time drug store cashier Helen Gregory of Youngstown, OH, who called the oil and gas multinational’s total revenues of $483 billion “deeply comforting” and “a true blessing,” echoing the sentiments of every other American from coast to coast. “I can’t tell you how good it is to know that the world’s largest corporation is still unimaginably profitable. Now I can finally get some sleep and stop worrying.” In spite of ExxonMobil’s positive earnings report, every single person nationwide confided a slight sense of disappointment that the company’s annual profits were only the second-highest in corporate history.
sangell says:
Everyone should have a little XOM in their retirement tank. Helluva lot better than a ‘green’ portfolio.
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1st February 2013 at 3:36 pm
Hope@ZeroKelvin says:
Yeah, but since Exxon is not part of Lord Ovamatoid’s Inner Circle of Cock Sucking Cronies, they will end up paying $44.9 billion dollars in taxes + fees + fines.
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1st February 2013 at 3:41 pm
ragdouche says:
onion, onion, onion
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1st February 2013 at 4:11 pm
GreasedUpWillie says:
I know its the Onion, but I wonder how much of the 38 Billion is oil subsidies are in that figure? Exxon Mobil: Card carrying member of the Free Shit Army.
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1st February 2013 at 4:52 pm
Bostonbob says:
I know this is the Onion, but there is some important insght to the Exxon earnings report. RE the following from Rigzone:
“The company spent a record $39.8 billion on expenditures as it pursues opportunities to find and produce new supplies of oil and natural gas to meet global energy demand.
While ExxonMobil’s fourth quarter earnings were up, the company’s upstream earnings for fourth quarter 2012 were approximately $7.7 billion, down approximately $1.1 billion from fourth quarter 2011. Fourth quarter earnings were impacted by lower liquids realizations partially offset by improved natural gas realizations, production volume and mix and lower gains from asset sales.”
It appears Exxon, the largest oil company in the world is having finding new oil resources all while spending record amounts of money in this pursuit. Most of the gains they have made appear to be buying existing known resources. This appears to be the same for Chevron. Much of there future plays have been bet on West Africa, no political trouble there. The Hebron Field, never bad whether in the North Atlantic and the Bakken fields, how’s the EROI on the oil extracted in that area. The trend will accelerate and will not end well.
Thank you,
Bob.
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1st February 2013 at 5:04 pm
fool on the hill says:
Somehow I think minus 273F is a woman from Houston…………..a BIRD.
And a rare one too.
It is refreshing to find a bird with a brain above her garter belt .
I have had the pleasure of knowing another.
Had an aunt Bea who mentored me in high school and college.
Her dream of a medical career was destroyed by the depression.
She had to settle for teaching school.
Bea was damn good at it.
She could make learning fun.
On her advice I became an ivy league alum and a very wealthy orphan.
She was the first person to warn me about GHW Bush.
Or maybe supercold is in journalistic drag……………………..??
Just a thought.
Anyhow my hat is off to you.
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1st February 2013 at 8:04 pm