Postal Service: ‘And Wait Until You Cocksuckers See What We Do With Wednesdays’
WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays. “You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahue, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules. “I hate to say it, but you motherfuckers brought this on yourselves. Time and time again we gave you the chance to send letters and parcels via the U.S. Postal Service, but you told us to shove it up our asses, and now you’re fucked.” Donahue added that if Americans decide to finally nut up and mail some fucking letters, they know where the mailbox is.
Eddie says:
Sooner or later the government is going to figure out a way to charge you for email, and then the Post Office will saved to waste a few more billion.
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8th February 2013 at 10:41 am
sangell says:
I remember when I was a kid. A neighbor had opened a laundromat and wanted to let the people who lived nearby know about his new business. He got about 4 of us kids in his station wagon along
with boxes of those flyers you hang on door knobs and told us to put one on every door and we get a few dollars. We piled out of the car with a box of those flyers and ran through the apartment complex racing to see who could finish a building first.
Maybe you can’t use kids anymore to do that sort of work but you could hire the homeless. You certainly don’t need a US government employee to deliver advertising.
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8th February 2013 at 11:06 am
Stucky says:
I think the USPS should raise stamps to $11 bucks each.
It works for FedEx.
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8th February 2013 at 11:20 am
Kill Bill says:
A neighbor had opened a laundromat and wanted to let the people who lived nearby know about his new business. He got about 4 of us kids in his station wagon along
with boxes of those flyers you hang on door knobs and told us to put one on every door and we get a few dollars -sangell
Yeh, I once had a guy try that shit on me. Gave us a bunch of flyers for some new ice cream shop or some such shit. We were supposed to stick them on car windows in parking lots. Fuck that. We threw them in the nearest street drain and then went and collected a free ice cream a few hours later.
Cheap bastards. Screw them.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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8th February 2013 at 11:24 am
johnnyBoy says:
Why stop with Saturday? Since 99% of my mail is garbage, eliminate Tuesday and Thursday delivery as well. Raise postage to $1 per letter. You don’t mail that often anymore so $1 is still a bargain to move a letter across country.
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8th February 2013 at 11:57 am
BUCKHED says:
According to the USPS all postal operations are now fully automated…that means packages once broken by hand are now broken machines !
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8th February 2013 at 12:37 pm
Maddie's Mom says:
BUCKHED,
Except the one that involves putting the neighbors’ mail in our box, and vice versa.
Speaking of which, it’s time to go see whose mail we got today!!!
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8th February 2013 at 1:31 pm
ThePessimisticChemist says:
They need to redo how they run the mail system. Its archaic.
Also, increase the cost of the damn stamps.
PS: We sent stuff other ways because other ways were more reliable. My wife purchases most of our non-perishables off of ebay, and everytime we have shipped USPS the box was obviously treated like shit, and in one case completely fucking destroyed.
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8th February 2013 at 3:20 pm
Maddie's Mom says:
Twice our substitute mail carrier has *thrown* packages onto our front porch with such force that it startled me and sent Maddie into a fit.
There are usually no vehicles outside, so maybe she thinks no one is home to witness her delivery technique.
Next time, she’s gonna get a clue.
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8th February 2013 at 3:30 pm
fool on the hill says:
Fool thinks the postal destruction technology was perfected by the Army Quartermaster Laundry in the sixties.
They perfected the art of ripping the buttons off of shirts and shooting them thru his shorts.
He was sent to the NCO academy right out of basic training possibly because he could count to twelve without removing his shoe.
OCS was on the same site.
The food was great.
The cooks in his line outfit could, and did, turn the same groceries directly into swill.
Even when they were sober.
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8th February 2013 at 3:59 pm
Stucky says:
Why Maddie’s Mom doesn’t get mail delivered nicely
Why Maddie’s Mom can’t find the cat
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8th February 2013 at 4:19 pm
Makati1 says:
If you think that sending something by UPS or FedEx is expensive now…wait until there is no alternative. And if you think the packages are manhandled now, wait until UPS & FedEX have that many to move. I can send a letter from Manila to Philly for $2 or a book from Amazon to my home for less than $4. That is dirt cheap for the service. And if the package was crumpled, you probably used the wrong box for the job. Properly packaged, it will get anywhere safely.
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8th February 2013 at 8:35 pm