The Burning Platform

I guess you could say going out in public like this is just another…….feather in his cap? Ehhhh ohhhh!!! Put it on the board!!!! Boom-shaka-laka!

If we could just somehow coordinate these two to bump into each other all of our problems would be solved!!

Stupid girl selfies – It’s about f*ckin’ time somebody did this.

The only way this would not be ridiculous is if George Clinton and the entire Parliament Funkadelic got out of that ride. Then it would just be legendary!

After all is said and done and the kids had their laugh we were reminded in the end Cookie Monster is still a monster.

Oh good God, where is PETA when you need them? Sure it’s not real Zebra skin but c’mon that offends the shit out of me!

My stance on matching twin outfits is widely known so I’ll just say it’s a good thing these two have each other and leave it at that.

Your car looks like it got into a fight, got it’s ass whooped and broke it’s jaw. You both should be embarrassed.

Look at these two honeymooners….straight to the moon Alice!

Cardboard signs – we’re taking them back!

This would be weird until I told you they are just filming a scene for an upcoming Sinbad movie. Then you’d be like “Oh okay, that makes sense. That’s definitely something I could see Sinbad doing in one of his movies.” Then you would stop for a minute and say “Wait a second, I haven’t seen a Sinbad movie in like 15 years…and come to think of it, that guy isn’t even Sinbad!!!” – then it becomes weird again.

You guys gotta get me out of here! There’s this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then the Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I’m his bitch!

So are we the assholes for looking, is she the asshole for taking the picture, or is he the asshole for showing his asshole? Kinda reminds me of this clip. Ohh the blame game, so fun.

It shouldn’t have to come to this, but I suppose somebody needs to state the obvious. If you are carrying condiments in a holster then you are eating way to much.

Big night for the Birdman and I’m not talking about the goofy white guy that plays for the Miami Heat. I’m talking about this dude putting some cracker pieces in his long muff-tickler beard and letting his birds fight for the food.

Let me tell you something you didn’t know – they love their bj’s and butts in Alabama. Now I’ll tell you something you probably already knew – they don’t seem to care what other people think about them in public in Alabama.

I kinda feel for the employee who has to wipe off her belly prints from the glass after she leaves. Somehow I don’t think the next customer would appreciate looking through that smeared haze.

My man! What’s going on?! Looking all FABULOUS with the wifey too! It must take you two forever to get ready and leave the house! But ya know what? Totally worth it.

That’s weird, no matter how many times I plant and water my flowers they never end up looking quite like this.

Cause I will f*ck you up, that’s why!

Soooo that’s what Robin looks like now. I don’t really know what else to say. Nobody ever wants to be Robin, Batman is too cool.

Nothing to see here people, just some moderate self asphyxiation. Move along and mind you business, sooner or later a parent will hopefully do something.

In her defense, that is kinda the entire premise of the show ‘Friends’. Pretty sure if that show was on HBO there would have ended up being a big orgy.

Hey Spiderman, this is why the baby boomer generation thinks we’re all a bunch of weird pussies.

Looks like a torn Achilles has left someone with a little more free time than anticipated. See what that gospel music has to say about you cheating on your wife. Oh what? We all forgot about that already?

It’s time for America’s new obsession Who Wears It Better: Extra Fluffy Bottom Biscuit Edition. So who ya got folks? You wanna take the one for a ride or are you partial to baby got back?

Elvis has just left the building…and thinks that it is in decent enough shape that with a few minor additions he could put it back on the market in a few months and make a nice little profit.

It appears what we have here are two scientists trying to disprove the notion that pink is a feminine color. Well done ladies.

Here we are trying to find Waldo’s mom…Don’t you just hate it when you think you got him but it’s just a red and white striped trap? Enjoy kids.

Now now now, before we all rush to judgement I’ll just say this…it would definitely be my first pick on how I want to die. I’m not saying it’s appropriate public messaging, but I will go far enough to say he’s got a point.

Ohh c’mon buddy, you know there are solutions to this plumber’s crack epidemic! Haven’t you seen the commercial for the Duluth Trading t-shirts? Its literally a step by step tutorial on how to help you help us.

Well at least we’ve finally started to properly label our misguided tattoos now.

Okay, so I originally thought we finally had a front pic of this previous post so we could allow you to properly identify your doctor or other respected community member, but upon further inspection we now have a spreading trend of grown ass men wearing lavish little girl dresses. Keep your eyes on alert people. You’ve been warned and that’s all I’m prepared to do at this point.

There is a shit on the floor. I was going to do a “Who Wears It Better?” or whatnot, but that’s not gonna happen. The more I think of it at least this dude tried (quite unsuccessfully) to cover up and fix his accident. The other one is simply a shit on the floor and I can’t have that.

Welcome to ‘F*ck It Friday’! Your options for this lovely day are f*cking it all or just this. Remember, these are the choices that will shape your lives!

Here’s the thing, I could talk about each of these individually, but something else struck a cord with me. The fact that these were both sent into us by the same person. Which now has me wondering if that person just has great PoWM luck or has a thing for following around and taking pictures of big ol’ booties in public. Either way his luck or perversion is our gain so maybe I just shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Sometimes I’m amazed at how low “putting on pants” is on some people’s priority list.

I still haven’t figured out why women need to wear shorts with stuff written on the ass. It’s in a man’s nature to check it out, then we’ll decide whether it was worth it or not. Butt anyway (see what I did there?) while we’re looking I suppose I should have you guys tell me “Who Wears It Better?” in this Bad-Baby edition.

Afro Star in the house!!!!!!! Whoop Whoop!!! In my head there is really crazy techno music being played for some reason, but whatever, I’m excited. She’s my girl and I missed her.

Should we tell them the extra effort of putting on a “shirt” was all for nothing or should we just kinda sit back, enjoy and let this one slide?

You look like Rowlf The Dog from the Muppets after years and years and years of some really tough times. That makes me sad.

Doggles: because his dog is cooler than yours. End of story.

Sometimes at PoWM we get some fan pics submitted to us. Not really sure why. I guess they know they’re weird and want us to know they are too? But you know what, we love all of our fans equally. Like parents who can’t pick which child they love more, we can’t choose just one…Obviously that’s a lie. Just like your parents love your brother or sister more than they love you we love some fans more than others. But for shits and giggles lets let you guys decide the weirder fan!

Okay, here is the dilly-0, like all the other guys in the world we have the debate over which is better, booty or boobs. Personally, I’m a motorboatin’ son-of-a-bitch so you know where I stand. But we wanted to know which side the masses landed on. Also, if you feel that we should have more visual aids before we make that decision, well then feel free to send those in ladies!

Tramp stamps aren’t just for girls now apparently. Turns out d-bags also want something to regret in 15 years. But YOLO right bro!

Heads I win, tails everyone loses. Remember that.

Flesh-colored yoga pants: The wave of the future. Coincidentally, also the wave of the future? Self-inflicted blindness.

Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me swing on vines and hunt for boar to eat. You go pick up some Sweet Baby Rays and maybe some Ben & Jerry’s for dessert.

You know what it is now? That’s right, it’s biscuit season. So which cook would you want in your kitchen?

Serious question, what if you were out at Walmart and saw these two grown men dressed as little girls, then realized one was your doctor or something?

Don’t worry little man, that’s the look we all had. And if it makes you feel better I’m sure we were all thinking the same thing too buddy; that her milk was probably tainted…that’s what we were all thinking right? No? Just me and tiny dude? Oh well.

I think it’s easier for me to imagine a tiny person using that as a parachute gliding down your crack than you actually wearing that thong on purpose.

Well giddy on up there cowpolks we’ve got ourselves a good ol’ shootout in today’s “Who Wears It Better?” So which one of these two would make you save a horse and see who is quicker on the draw?

Little upper cleavage, little lower cleavage, lots of lunches being wasted. You know, the usual.

Looks like Bos(s) Hog(g) has fallen on some tough times and landed in Mizzou. I guess all those failed attempts at catching dem Duke boys finally took its toll on the old man.

Ohh, well that is just disturbing. All that brightness draws you in and then BLAM cheetah tail. I don’t like it. It’s like opening up an Easter egg and getting a cough drop. Bullshit is what it is.

“Pants are for suckers that play by the man’s rules.” – Is something I assume this man or woman might say. Man? I wanna say man. But I could be persuaded woman. You know what, “man” final answer.

Reuniting long lost father & sons…It’s what we do here at PoWM. Well, I mean we also make fun of them, but in the process we unite them. It’s like the Maury show; underneath the laughing there is a “family” and a purpose. At least that’s what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.

Does cheating on someone ever work out well? Seriously everyone, if I’ve learned anything from the show Cheaters your significant other will find you at a Walmart parking lot with that new skank, there will be a fight, and something will get broken.

If I got those bottom biscuits for breakfast it would end up ruining my dinner! Not because there is so much but because I just don’t think I can stomach eating for a day or so now.

I think this might be a first here at PoWM: A “Who Eats It Better?” Edition! In one corner you have the sugar rush all hopped up ready to come at you like a spider monkey and in the other corner a cart that I almost can’t believe. I mean, it literally looks like something someone had to make up right? Jug of mayo, ranch, Crisco, mega Pop-Tarts and TP?!?!?! For realsies?

Going bald in style….I like it.

Okie dokie, I guess I’ll just take my tiny white wiener out of the running here. Which is too bad because it would have been the best 40 seconds of your life!

Remember kids, crack is always bad….always.

See spot. See spot run. See spot run down you leg and onto the floor…ohhh ohhhh that’s ohhhh that’s gross.

Sweet outfit. I can’t tell if you’re going to the gym or going clubbing. I mean, realistically I know which option is more likely, but whatever. What I think I do know is those started out as yoga pants, but as things stretch sideways they tend to shrink in length. Sooooo easy way to make shorts?

Can’t figure out if you’re a good parent or not? Look at this sign and if it was helpful, then you’re doing it wrong.

They may not be on a chalkboard, but these fingernails are terrible all by themselves.

I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer but this is the worst car cruise I’ve ever been to.

We all hope you and your families had a wonderful Easter and didn’t run into either one of these two terrifying Easter bunnies to ruin it and all subsequent Easters.

Looks like we got the Holiday man and his car! It truly isn’t a holiday he and PoWM wish you a Happy Easter!

It takes balls to look that sexy in public and I mean that quite literally,so I think we need to figure out “Who Wears Hers Better?”

If Disney is the most magical place on Earth, how come this still looks like this?

Thank goodness kids are super gullible. I never thought I’d say this, but that guy dressed up in a bunny suit looks nothing like a bunny. Charles Barkley, how do you think he looks?

While it is nowhere that I’d think to look I still find it hard to believe that’s a good hiding spot for your Easter eggs. Although I suppose you could save time by dying your hair and eggs at the same time, so props on efficiency?

On this episode of Bridezillas we save $42 on groceries by shopping at Walmart? Wait what? Are they really running out of show ideas that they need to do this?

“Who Wears It Better? …maybe not quite bottom biscuit but definitely some under booty edition. So who ya got? You like those thrills from frills or are you a fan of the Mad Men style shorts up high?

Skullets: Just in case you couldn’t tell we were going for mullets, we made it pretty damn obvious. Also, would you like to be our friend? We don’t have many friends. We could hang out and move in together and eat popcorn and play video…hey where are you going? Come back!

I’ve been waiting for this showdown my entire life. Mullet vs. Femullet. The battle of the sexes over which powerhouse reigns supreme. Let the Gods decide.

Ooh, look at the buns on that one… Yeah, he must work out.

Yeah okay, joke is on me I suppose. Turns out those Scooby Snacks were laced with PCP and I’ve completely lost all control.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS…by that soda fountain without taking advantage of those free refills.

If you think this is weird, you should see how they mate.

I’m not sure whether to scold you or applaud you for taking the time to turn a towel into a shirt before entering Wally World. Either way, your poor man’s poncho makes me smile.

Tiger Woods is dating Lindsey Vonn and has just regained his #1 world ranking. You are in last place in the world and you touch yourself while eating TV dinners in your recliner.

Okaaaaayyy. You see, I thought the whole stick figure sticker people on the back of your car was kinda weird and unnecessary but I see you’re on a war path to one-up everyone. Anyway, I’m sure your little blessings just love it when you drop them off at school.

Does anyone even know what Elvis really looked like at this point? Seriously, all you die-hard Elvis fans are just ruining his reputation. There is a generation growing up that just assumes he is some made up character that could have been either a fat Asian or tall black guy who used to stand outside Vegas and ask for spare change. Nice work hound dogs.

You know what was a logical and pleasant revelation? The double-stuffed Oreo. Wanna know what isn’t pleasant? The double-stuffed jorts. I’d ask you “Who Wears It Better?” but frankly I just don’t care right now.

It’s too bad there isn’t some sort of device that lets you capture a person’s image that you could keep for years and look at anytime you want. Oh well, until that magical day I guess we’ll all have to keep tattooing babies on our bodies. Good thing all babies don’t look alike.

Free thighs – practical and fashionable. That’s gonna catch on real quick.