I think he’s still got it…
Submitted by Tyler Durden on 09/22/2013
Submitted by Anonymous
Upcoming Late Night TV Infomercial Script
(A middle-aged man in an military uniform, loaded with medals, four stars on his epaulets, is sitting in a futuristic office setting on a chair occupying a command position. He puts down a folder he is reading and looks up at the camera.)
Do you know me? Well, I know you.
(He wags his finger as if counting)
Each and every one of you.
I know everything there is to know about you. But enough about that. I’m here today to tell you about a special offer, a first time offer never before available to the general public.
(Man assumes a more relaxed mien, stands and walks slowly toward camera)
Hi, I’m General Keith Alexander, coming to you from the flight deck of the starship… well, it’s just my office, but it’s The Bomb, no? Hey, don’t you repeat that or you might get some unwanted attention.
I want to tell you today about something we call simply: The NSA Tapes. This is the greatest and most complete collection of audio and video recordings every assembled anywhere in one place. You cannot buy this in stores, or over the internet. Only here, at the NSA, does the technology exist to capture at this level and at this quality.
The Prism Collection, our basic model, has everything you’d expect in a surreptitious data grab. It has “Phone Sex America: The Connoisseur Series”. It has “Hollywood Sex-ting Kittens”.
(He pauses, looks over the top of his reading glasses, and speaks.)
And let me tell you, if you enjoyed Miley Cyrus twerking, you are going to love what she tells Liam Hemsworth about things he can do to that little booty of hers.
It also has one of my favorites, and I’m sure it will be a favorite of yours, too. Yes, from the Instagram Album we have “Buck Naked Coed Selfies of the Ivy League”. If you’re like me, you’ll know where you’d like to cram for that upcoming exam.
(Man adopts more serious tone)
But the NSA Tapes are so much more than that. Why, here right next to me, we have some examples from our Capital City Collection.
(Alexander holds up a DVD for the camera)
Take a look at this ten volume set from Anthony Weiner called, “No, Really, You’re Going to Need a Bigger iPad.”
And here’s Lindsey Graham’s “The Gladiator Chronicles”. How about Hillary Clinton and “The Veal Eaters Cookbook”? Or Mitch McConnell in “That’s My Boy”. And who can forget Senator McCain’s “Johnny B Naught-e, Very Very Very Naughty”.
Lindsey’s passion for ‘special’ gladiators
Johnny B-ing very very naught-e
(Reaches down and picks up a book)
Then we have this gorgeous leather bound edition of Nancy Pelosi that’s…well…bound in leather.
Here’s Rahm Emanuel in “City of Big Shoulders, Mayor of Small…….”
(Puts down DVD and addresses camera directly)
…….Well, you’ll just have to order this one and find out.
And then there’s everyone’s favorite, Barack Obama in “If I Had a Husband, He’d Look Just Like Reggie Love”.
But wait! There’s more. Here’s a few of our titles from The Continental Collection:
(Titles roll across the screen)
The Netherlands of Hollande: Le Amuse Bouche
Draghi, Druggie, ‘n Draggie
Putin Picked a Peck of Picklesniffers
Cameron’s Camera’s On
President Dilma-do Roussef: DIY Brazilian
Merkelgetsshafted WARNING: Not for the faint of heart
(Camera returns to Alexander)
Yes, there’s hours and hours of viewing and listening pleasure here.
But if you think this is only about celebrities, you couldn’t be more wrong. Here at NSA Entertainment we offer, for those who want something closer to home, the Vanity Package. It’s like Shutterfly, where all of your personal favorite photos and videos are put in one professional looking, coffee table-style production. But unlike Shutterfly,
(Alexander slows his cadence and annunciates each word)
(Quickly changes to upbeat, happy voice, tosses hands in the air, palms up)
We’ve already got them!! LOL
(Switches to staccato delivery)
And we’ve already watched them.
Our editorial and editing staff is expert in taking just those things you, or we, would most want to see, or not have seen, and put them in a piece you will hold close for the rest of your life.
These collections are not sold in stores. You could pay hundreds, even thousands of dollars to keep these sorts of things private and away from prying eyes, but still you couldn’t even begin to amass the range and quality of what the NSA captures each and every day. And don’t accept cheap imitations,
(Alexander speaks in a scornful, dismissive tone.)
…..quickly copied on to a thumb drive off some low resolution image or poorly sampled recording by some bogus Russian-based start-up. Our products are digitally remastered from the original recordings, at our new state-of-the-art facility in Utah, insuring you top quality in both sound and image reproduction. These are Blackmail Quality © productions, and they come with a certificate of authenticity signed by me personally.
Now I know this already sounds too good to pass up, but there’s even more. We’ll throw in, at no additional cost, these Golden Oldies from the 1990s, a retail value of more than one hundred thousand dollars, just for ordering now. You’ll get Bill Clinton’s “Cohiba-cide in the non-Oval Orifice”, and from our UK Collection, “The Blair Wench Project”.
And if you order in the next ten minutes, we’ll also throw in, just to say thanks, a one year supply of bathroom tissue, each sheet embossed with the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution of this once great nation.
(Another voice breaks in and speaks rapidly)
Shipping and handling $4.95 per item, $7.95 by black van, and rush orders $11.95 by drone.)
(Alexander speaks again)
CALL NOW. OUR OPERATORS ARE ALREADY LISTENING.
Some comic relief from cracked.com for an otherwise useless Wednesday…
You are not an alpha male; you’re just being marketed to. Some jaded hipster dickhead in lensless eyeglasses that cost more than your house used the entire “alpha” movement to sell you energy drinks and those shirts that look like douchebag scrimshaw.
Human beings are not wolves. We’re not even pack hunters anymore. Modern society has no place for an alpha, a beta, or anything resembling a carnivorous predatory social structure. “Alpha” is just a positive-sounding synonym for “asshole,” and it is not an acceptable excuse for behaving like a cocksock, because the sad reality is, there is never an excuse for behaving like a cocksock. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were? If there were some social theory, psychological disorder, or gypsy curse you could use to excuse your off-putting behavior? It sure would. But there never has been, and there never will be. It was all a giant lie sold to you by Big Energy to trick you into a mild stimulant addiction, an untruth you received free with every three-pack of TapouT shirts.
I understand why it seems reasonable at first. What is an alpha male if not a beloved antihero, a Wolverine or Han Solo type? Did you agree with that statement? You shouldn’t have. It was a trick. See, the alpha mentality slipped through our cultural defenses on the back of an actual truth: Confidence and, yes, even cockiness is attractive.
Here’s the difference: An alpha male embraces the label because he secretly suspects that he might be a face full of dicks and he needs a way to spin that into a positive thing. A confident man would shun the very concept of labels because he knows that that’s the shit insecure people use to feel accepted. The very second you open your mouth to self-identify as “alpha,” you’re admitting that you’re too insecure to face life alone and on your own terms. You’re giving everybody who speaks to you a disclaimer: “I’m going to be a dick to you, and here’s why it’s OK and you still have to like me.” A truly confident man would never give enough of a shit to make that statement.
Being an asshole is like being an alcoholic: The first and most important step is realizing and admitting it. You’re not a party animal if you’re throwing up rotgut in the parking lot of a Circle K, and you’re not an “alpha” if you’re harassing uninterested women and trying to start fights with the smallest guy at the bar.
Empathy has a bad PR department. It seems like something that should be taught by a soft-spoken man in a pastel room that doubles as a yoga studio on weekends. Empathy is for pussies, and that’s why you only hear people advocating it in weak, begging tones.
“Have some empathy,” the Rick Moranis lookin’ dude pleads, as you headbutt his wife into submission for looking too long at your neck tattoo.
Besides, you, the asshole, are probably most comfortable displaying strong, negative emotions. You don’t cry; you rage. That’s fine (I mean, not overall — that’s a crippling emotional problem that’s going to shatter your entire life if left unattended), but we’re starting small here. You can empathize with any emotion, so start with the only one you deem acceptable: self-righteous fury. Next time you’re bro-ing out in a bar or passive-aggressively belittling your co-workers, just think of how much you would bitch about that happening should your roles be reversed. How would you tell the anecdote to your friends, later in the day, if you two switched places? Would you be the villain in his story? If so, knock it off. That’s empathy! It’s that easy! Using this simple trick, even the most twisted sociopath can pass as a normal!
But damn, now that you’ve objectively realized you’re being an asshole, what’s the out? How do you stop? You’re far too insecure to man up and apologize (that’s OK, that’s a pretty advanced step), so for now, try yelling something nonsensical and storming off. Pick a line, any line, from the Full House theme song, yell it in indignant fury, and then walk away.
“It’s a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page, fucker!”
It will give the other party something to think about. Hopefully they’ll be too distracted by the non-sequitur to dwell on what an unreasonable prick you were being. Or at the very least, they’ll think you were having a mild stroke and therefore they cannot hold your prior outbursts against you.
Let’s get personal: I am an asshole.
Why else would I try to help you, my people? Oh, I don’t drive a truck with balls on the hitch or try to fight strangers in bars or anything. But I’m an asshole nonetheless, because I have a very strict set of internal rules for how a respectful and decent human being should operate, and if you violate any of those rules, I will completely write you off from now until the heat death of the universe.
Now, the rule thing on its own? That’s fine. That’s how society operates — with a set of expectations we all have to meet to be considered valuable members. The problem arises when you start harboring private rules: Rules that only you know about and agree to adhere to, but that you still use to judge others.
How were those callous, discourteous rule breakers informed of the law? Was there a sign above the entrance to the mall that said “slow walkers to the left, please”? Did they take a class on the appropriate volume to speak in a public place? Some of us agree on these unspoken rules, sure, but we never consider that the offending party has no idea they’re even transgressing. Hence the really confused look on their faces as I dive-tackle them into the salad bar for using their fingers instead of the tongs — which are right fucking there, seriously.
If you’re going to get pissed at somebody because he beats you off the line at a stoplight, stop and consider: Does he even know he’s racing your F-350, or is he simply trying to race a savage case of diarrhea to a safe, non-judgmental waste space? That dude talking to the girl you like — does he know you consider that a punchable offense? Does he even know you were talking to her earlier?
Until you reach the point where you can liberate yourself from your own self-righteous rule sets, at least you can treat it as ignorance and not disrespect if people break them. If they’re really obvious rules, however — if somebody, for example, merges onto the highway at 35 mph without so much as looking — feel free to unleash the middle fingers.
For the birds are hungry, and they feed on injustice.
Let’s try another emotional shortcut to help you fake your way into behaving like a decent human being. You probably think of your life like an action movie. I’m going to take a stab in the dark here and bet that you, a total fucking asshole, think of yourself like Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious series. Just an educated, almost certainly correct guess — but feel free to fill in the blanks. Maybe you’re Jason Statham. I don’t know. We’re all unique snowflakes.
Now, try to picture each human interaction like it’s the start of an action movie. If the audience were watching these events unfold, do you think they’d sympathize with you? Would you be the hero, or the asshole the hero humiliates for comedic relief right at the start? Do you feel the need for revenge at some perceived slight? That’s OK. But consider: Will the burning need for vengeance in your heart be understood by the movie-going public?
For example: If you want to beat the shit out of a guy because he murdered your family and shot you in the head on your wedding day, the answer is probably yes! You are entirely justified in your actions, and the audience — your fellow man — will likely sympathize. But would it make for a very good action flick if Uma Thurman, say, embarked on an epic four-hour quest for revenge against the old lady who accidentally stepped on her new Reeboks? Do you think Die Hard would be the classic that is today if Bruce Willis had thrown Hans Gruber off of Nakatomi Plaza because he looked at him snottily at a Sox game? We probably wouldn’t have been on board with Taken if Liam Neeson was kicking the holy shit out of the guys who forgot to hold the door for him at Denny’s.
If you’re feeling the need to physically attack somebody, just stop and ask yourself: Would this make for a good plotline to Rambo 7? If not, consider just letting it the fuck go and moving on with your life.
And that last, most important question is this: Does what I am about to do benefit me more than it inconveniences others?
That sounds selfish on the surface, but remember: You’re not trying to learn how to be a saint here. You just don’t want to be the biggest shithead on the city bus today.
If you have to cut a lady off in traffic because you’re running late for an important job interview, that’s probably not the biggest deal. She’s still going to be pissed at you, and justifiably so, but she’s going to be annoyed for a few minutes about something that might potentially turn your life around. It’s still kind of a dick move, but it’s understandable. You’re stealing bread to feed yourself, not stealing wallets to feed your mistress’ addiction to Prada. You’re being an asshole, but a small and largely acceptable one — like on a cat or something.
However, if it’s a full month after Independence Day and you’re thinking about lighting off some illegal fireworks in the middle of your suburban street at midnight, try asking that important question: Will the joy you get from looking at some lights and hearing a noise for two seconds outweigh the inconvenience of waking up your entire neighborhood — dogs barking, babies crying, everybody trying to get back to sleep to catch a few hours before work tomorrow? Unless you’re Jackson Pollock on LSD, you probably don’t like pretty colors enough to balance out the fury-debt of an entire residential street. Maybe you can put off the Fourth of August celebration until morning.
That’s it for now! There’s tons more to learn — don’t talk when the movie starts, don’t gossip about your co-workers, don’t yell at anybody who works for tips for longer than 20 seconds, never talk to strangers about your pecs — but them’s the basics. Have fun, and enjoy your new life of not being the biggest hat full of asses that somebody had the misfortune of running into today!
here is what it would be like if bb and I were to meet face to face
bb is just like shooter mcgavin, he eats pieces of shit for breakfast
Princeton, NJ – The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced Study.”That the world we inhabit is brutal, cold, and meaningless has of course been established scientific fact for quite some time,” said Dr. Susan Doname, head of the research team that conducted the comprehensive five-year study. “But shockingly, our most recent findings indicate that the brutality, coldness, and meaninglessness are far, far more extreme than we ever realized.”
“In fact, the utter futility of it all is a staggering 1.43 million times worse than predicted by our earlier estimates,” she added.
The report explains that when it comes to measuring the complete purposelessness of existence, such impossible-to-reconcile-with-a-caring-God phenomena as earthquakes, disease, famine, and basic human cruelty are “small potatoes, really.” It goes on to state that research in the field has long underestimated the grim discoveries of the past century: threats such as global thermonuclear war, manmade super flus, total environmental collapse, an entirely random meteor strike wiping out all life in a single blow, and so on.
According to the latest statistics, the universe has up to 71 percent less redemption and 87 percent less forgiveness than was once thought, along with an IBK (Indicators of Basic Kindness) rating that has dropped by 52 percent. At the same time, the universe’s general indifference to suffering of all kinds is about a third higher than originally calculated.
Complicating matters is new data that indicates love, often cited as the key mitigating factor against the inevitability of existential gloom, lacks the transcendent power it was once believed to have.
“We used to think love had a very major role to play in shaping the universe,” Doname said. “It turns out we were way off on that one. We now more fully understand that everyone and everything a human being loves will one day cease to be, having existed as little more than the smallest of blips in the vast expanse of the cosmos.”
“Though to be fair, even that description overstates the case,” she continued. “Whereas we used to believe life on earth constituted but the tiniest imaginable speck in the history of the universe, this latest research shows that it’s not even a speck. It’s not anything at all, really. Statistically speaking, it’s nothing.”
The study also reportedly provides the first definitive evidence that there is absolutely no universal creative force that binds existence together, that we are all horribly alone in this place, and that the reason no one has ever been able to find any true meaning in life is because there is none there to be found.
The scientists acknowledged their research “unfortunately leaves the human soul vastly fewer resources with which to sustain itself,” and apologized for earlier miscalculations that may have left people with the smallest bit of hope, however false. But they stood by their findings, stating that the entire natural order of things “is just a whole lot crueler than we ever thought possible.”
While the groundbreaking discovery has reportedly served as a source of great despair for many members of the human race, others reached for comment seemed to take the news more or less in stride.
“I just spent the past 18 hours sewing labels onto brand-name sports apparel,” said Lau Mei-Yee, a 33-year-old garment worker in China’s Guangdong province. “Please stop asking me questions so I can collect my $3.60 in wages, go back to the dormitory I share with eight other people, and get some sleep before my next shift.”