HAPPY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Via Knuckledraggin

Continue reading “HAPPY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY”

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“Here, at the quiet limit of the world.”

Alfred, Lord Tennyson, Tithonus

“A rose will bloom, it then will fade.
So does a youth.
So does the fairest maid.”

Nino Rota, What Is a Youth

“There is a story to be told here, of twisted markets, and legitimate pursuits taxed by insidious corruptions, and their patrons. But it is nothing new. It is a story all too familiar, as old as Babylon, and evil as sin. Perhaps, then, another time. It was a beautiful autumn day. The warmth is slowly fading from the fields, captured in the harvests, and taken away. Darkness is falling earlier, and the nights are growing colder. And as fields fade, so too do empires— and the vanities and illusions of proud and willful men. Not then so rare as we had thought. But still, after many a summer, dies the swan.”

Jesse


The Party is Over

Guest Post by The Zman

After an election, there are two things that almost always happen. One is the winning side draws the wrong lesson from their victory. The lesson they usually draw is that that they are on the right side of history or that the gods are on their side. Same idea, different magic. One of the anomalies of the recent US Presidential election is that Trump is not prone to magical thinking and his own party hates him, so he seems fairly level headed about his win. His party is acting like they lost so no gloating there.

The losing side, on the other hand, draws any number of wrong conclusions. Republicans generally assume they lost because they were too far to the Right, so they immediately start adopting the positions of the Left. The Democrats will often conjure up some sort of conspiracy theory, thus the ridiculous recount efforts now under way. The point is the losers never learn from their mistakes and therefore just rely on the other side burning itself out or screwing up so they can be the default option in the next election.

Continue reading “The Party is Over”

PATIENT SLOWLY DYING OF COMPLICATIONS

Guest Post by Hardscrabble Farmer

I stumbled across a short video commercial the other day of a morbidly obese woman doing yoga. The thrust of the commercial was that fat people are that way through no fault of their own, they are just as flexible and healthy as normal people and the only real problem is that people simply don’t understand how being morbidly obese is really a good thing.

That’s our situation.

We live in a world that has been systematically created, one mouthful at a time, deliberately, intentionally, understanding the entire time where it would lead. When it finally reaches the breaking point where the sickness is no longer deniable the only option is to blame anyone for noticing and to continue to pursue the same course of action that led to the problem.

The man who comes along and tries to point out the reality- say the surgeon who is going to have to amputate the fattie’s feet because of the diabeetus- is going to be seen as some kind of radical extremist.

Drastic times call for drastic measures. Sometimes there will be people willing to take advantage of the situation, like the companies that sell scoot-abouts or insulin pumps or adult diapers. Sometimes it’s people who really care and want to help out while profiting, like the folks who run fat camps and sometimes it’s just the steely eyed surgeon who has to saw through the bone and flesh to keep the patient alive.

Our nation, our entire late western civilization really is that morbidly obese lady in yoga pants telling everyone she’s just as healthy and limber as an 18 year old athlete. 100% Delusional and completely unable to stop the compulsive behavior that led to this point.

I wish that it were different, I wish we lived in a healthy and sane society where traditional values and decency prevail, but we don’t and we haven’t for a very long time. The degeneracy on every level has so permeated the fabric of the body politic that it is terminal. All we can do now is watch as the patient slowly dies from complications.


How The Media Confuses Americans About The Most Common Ways To Die

Submitted by Daniel Drew via Dark-Bid.com,

The Charleston church shooting flooded newsrooms around the world. Did the killer act alone? How much did he really hate black people? Should we burn every Confederate flag in the country? When will another racist strike next? Stay tuned for more! After reading this, one would assume there was an evil Confederate in every town, ready to open fire on every family in America. The reality is much different. The greatest danger to the average American is the cheeseburger they ate for dinner last night.

The best visual example of the state of the media is the recent Jake Gyllenhaal movie Nightcrawler, which documents his character’s freelance career as a journalist who records grisly footage of violent crimes and accidents. His boss advises him, “Think of our newscast as a screaming woman running down the street with her throat cut.” One quick glance at any major news source today, and one quickly discovers this is not an exaggeration. One study from the American Public Health Association found that some homicides were more newsworthy than others. The best murders for the news involve victims who are female, children, or the elderly. Top locations are in wealthy neighborhoods. Conversely, black and hispanic victims are not as exciting, apparently. A young white woman who is murdered in Beverly Hills will be all over every newsroom in the country, but a black man who got shot up in Compton might make a footnote in the LA Times if he’s lucky.

Aside from the grotesque moral issue of masquerading journalists using violent crime as vile entertainment, an even greater tragedy is unfolding: the inability of Americans to properly assess risk in daily life. The pandering to our lower instincts via the tabloid journalism format has left a shocking void of real information and understanding. One popular statistical website, Five Thirty Eight, has provided a refreshing source of analysis in the otherwise mathematically oblivious journalism industry. Yet even Five Thirty Eight occasionally succumbs to a generally irrelevant story selection process with articles about lottery odds and sports instead of focusing more on science, economics, and politics. The average American knows more about LeBron James than the most common ways they could die. This is a failure of the journalism industry.

Continue reading “How The Media Confuses Americans About The Most Common Ways To Die”

TV IS DYING

As Netflix, Hulu and other streaming portals emerge, traditional TV is finding itself under increased pressure to retain its place on top of the media food chain. While it is still the most used medium by a wide margin, there are signs that indicate its future may not look quite as bright.

As figures from Nielsen’s quarterly Total Audience report indicate, young Americans are watching less and less TV. Since Q1 2011, the time Americans aged 12-17 spent watching TV has dropped by more than 25%. In the most recent quarter, teenagers spent an average of 17 hours and 52 minutes a week watching live TV, down from more than 24 hours in the first quarter of 2011.

Infographic: American Teens Are Turning Their Backs on TV | Statista

You will find more statistics at Statista


The Long Night of American Retail

A nurse must portray a sincere sense of caring, but more than that, a calm, unemotional competence. They want to create the impression that everything is under control, even when death is certain. The job of a palliative care worker is to create the illusion of health for those who are dying, to make the symptoms of death as invisible as possible right to the end. Indeed, palliative comes from the Latin word palliare, meaning “to cloak.” Today, pain management is done with drugs. But drugs do not simply take away pain, they numb the capacity to feel anything. A death where nothing is felt, nothing at all, is considered desirable in our culture.

There are palliative care workers everywhere in our society, ready to create the illusion of health and vibrancy, but they don’t all work in healthcare. Many of them work in the US government and in the media. They know the country’s economy is doomed to permanent degrowth. They know the country’s finances are a ponzi scheme. Like all good bureaucrats, they maintain an unemotional, distanced professionalism. Their drugs of choice include low interest rates, permanent war, media circuses, and gigantic deficits – all to keep the patient calm and sedated for a controlled and managed descent.

Continue reading “The Long Night of American Retail”

He Supports All The Troops

Guest Post by Ed Moran

 

He Supports All The Troops

He supports all the troops,
He’s glad to see them go,
He fills them with patriotic fervor,
And sets their hearts aglow.

He conjures up a marching band,
He makes them all feel proud,
He tells them to take a stand,
And say the pledge aloud.

He tells them of the enemies,
Those filthy, evil foes,
Those foreign devils must be stopped,
And so his story goes.

Then they go in their prime,
To kill and fight and die,
Cut down before their time,
While loved ones wonder why.

His tales of glory,
Are just a story,
From forth his fetid breath,
They lead to sorrow,
And no tomorrow,
Just endless, dreaded death.

IT’S NOT IN THE HOLE

I sometimes wonder whether these articles purposely avoid the real reasons for the problems they talk about. The golf industry is in full bore collapse. This article details the issues perfectly well. But the reason for the collapse can be found in my Retail Death Rattle article. Golf is an expensive hobby. It is mostly played by middle aged and older men. They don’t have the dough to be buying new clubs and paying greens fees. Golf is played using discretionary income. It has dried up for formerly middle class dudes. It really is that simple.

There was a massive over-expansion of courses and now the chickens are coming home to hatch. Prices are crashing and golf courses are closing at a record pace. The best part of the story is classic Americana. When our dumbass high school morons can’t pass standardized tests, we make them easier and tell them they are smart. The golf gods have figured out the problem of less people playing golf. The holes are too small. If they just make the holes bigger, the golfing industry will revive. It’s as if Carl Spackler is running this country.

Golf Market Stuck in Bunker as Thousands Leave the Sport

Once the go-to activity for corporate bonding, the golf industry is suffering from an exodus of players, a lack of interest among millennials and the mass closure of courses. The sordid personal life of Tiger Woods, who for years was golf’s biggest ambassador, also hasn’t helped. All that has taken a toll on the companies that make and sell golf equipment, including Dick’s Sporting Goods Inc. and Callaway Golf Co.

About 400,000 players left the sport last year, according to the National Golf Foundation. While almost 260,000 women took up golf, some 650,000 men quit. A severe winter on the East Coast worsened the situation this year by delaying the start of golfing season for many. Slow sales of clubs and other gear dragged down results for Dick’s this week, sending its stock on the worst tumble since the retail chain went public in 2002.

“Golf is in a bit of a drought,” said Allen Adamson, managing director at brand consulting firm Landor Associates in New York. “It’s a pretty high-price sport, and leisure time is getting crunched.”
Urgent: Do You Approve Or Disapprove of President Obama’s Job Performance? Vote Now in Urgent Poll

Slow golf sales over the past 15 months created a glut of golf inventory at wholesale and retail outlets, forcing them to slash prices. Dick’s is selling some drivers for $99 that were priced at $299 just 20 months ago, Chief Executive Officer Ed Stack said this week on a conference call. Golf sales missed Dick’s target about $34 million in first quarter.

“We don’t feel we’ve found the bottom yet in the golf sales number,” Stack said.

Deep Discounts?

The bleak outlook rippled through the golf industry. Shares of Callaway, a Carlsbad, California-based maker of golf clubs, tumbled 9 percent to $7.60 on May 20. Callaway, which sells the Big Bertha driver, had delivered its own dim forecast last month. The company warned that full-year profit could come in at the low end of its previous guidance, especially if discounting is heavier than expected.

“We anticipate a heavy promotional environment while the industry works through excess inventory,” CEO Chip Brewer said on a conference call in April. The company hasn’t reported an annual profit since 2008.

TaylorMade, the Adidas AG-owned brand that makes clubs and golf accessories, also is suffering. The business saw a 34 percent sales drop in the first quarter, Adidas said earlier this month. Still, not all golf equipment is in decline. Overall, manufacturers’ sales rose 1.2 percent last year, according to the Sports & Fitness Industry Association. While sales of golf balls fell 4.9 percent, clubs grew 4.2 percent.

Younger Generation

Though cold weather and the sluggish economy are providing temporary headwinds, a generational shift may be a bigger cause for concern. The sport is suffering the biggest decline from younger players, according to the National Golf Foundation, with 200,000 players under 35 abandoning the game last year.

“Everybody’s hooked up to their handhelds, so it’s social networking instead of sports,” said Gerald Celente, publisher of the Trends Journal in Kingston, New York. The motivation for wannabe executives to spend hours chasing small balls no longer exists, he said.

“It’s something that’s associated with boom times,” he said. “Most of society’s not moving up, and golf is associated with moving up.”

Woods, 38, helped draw younger players to the game, though his personal challenges may have reduced his influence. He divorced his wife of four years in 2010 after admitting marital infidelity and has suffered a series of injuries.

Fewer Courses

There also are fewer places to play golf these days. Only 14 new courses were built in the U.S. last year, while almost 160 shut down, the National Golf Foundation said. Last year marked the eighth straight year that more courses closed than opened.

The people sticking with the sport are playing fewer rounds than before, often opting for nine holes rather than 18. In total, U.S. golfers played 462 million rounds last year, according to Golf Datatech. That was the fewest number since 1995.

“Golf has been a crummy business for a long time,” said Paul Swinand, an analyst at Morningstar Inc. in Chicago.

Golf advocates are doing their best to attract younger players, though. Some courses have even added wider holes to make the sport less intimidating, with a Golf.com story last month asking, “Could a 15-inch hole be the answer to golf’s growth problem?”

Hack Golf

TaylorMade sponsored a 15-inch cup tournament last month, aiming to make the sport faster and easier. The brand also co- sponsors a website with the PGA of America with the goal of “crowdsourcing the future of golf.” The site endorses Hack Golf, a movement to figure out the parts of golf that aren’t fun and fix them.
Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.com http://www.moneynews.com/StreetTalk/golf-sport-players-courses/2014/05/23/id/573148#ixzz32pCdn2cs

How Americans Die

 

Tyler Durden's picture

America is growing older.

Nowhere is this more obvious than in the conversion of America’s age pyramid into a rectangle from 1960 to 2050, as was shown in a recent post highlighting America’s two ‘slow-motion’ social dramas. As the Pew Institute summarized “we’ll have almost as many Americans over age 85 as under age 5. This is the result of longer life spans and lower birthrates. It’s uncharted territory, not just for us, but for all of humanity. And while it’s certainly good news over the long haul for the sustainability of the earth’s resources, it will create political and economic stress in the shorter term, as smaller cohorts of working age adults will be hard-pressed to finance the retirements of larger cohorts of older ones.”

 

And as society comes to grips with the realization that the average age of America will hit new record highs with every passing day for the indefinite future, a new, and far less pleasant topic is sure to gain prominence. Namely: how Americans Die.

This should be intuitive: since older people die sooner than the young, even despite the generally declining mortality by age cohort, the sheer record number of aged Americans will soon drown out the incremental improvements in life expectancy.

But it is not only age that is a key issue: one surprising finding (in addition to a curious tangent of a brief spike in AIDS-related deaths in the late 80s and early 90s for the 25-44 year old cohort), is that over the past decade, motor vehicle accidents has lost its top spot as the primary cause of violent deaths across the population, handing over the title to both drug-induced deaths and suicides.

Incidentally, in 2010, the number of suicide deaths was nearly four times greater than the number of Americas murdered by firearm. Perhaps it is time to ban suicides.

All these and many other curious observations surrounding this fascinating topic are revealed in the following interactive visual data compendium by Bloomberg’s Matthew Klein.

So without further ado, here is a detailed look into How Americans Die.

First, it should be obvious that courtesy of numerous, life-extending advances over the past several decades, the morality rate has tumbled. Yet in recent years, it has been mostly males who have benefited. Overall progress stopped in the mid-1990s.

 

However the lack of improvement can be attributed to a simple factor: the aging of Americans, and specifially those aged 55 and over have risen as a total portion of the population from a little over a fifth of total in the year 2000 to a quarter currently.

 

Another obvious observation: old people die sooner than the young

 

Instead of breaking down the population into genders, looking at age cohorts over time shows a plunge in mortality across all age groups, with the biggest beneficiaries being Americans 25 and under.

 

However, something curious appears in the 25-44 age group sometime in the late 1980s…

 

That something was AIDS…

 

The AIDS epidemic was so bad for about a decade, the disease became the single largest killer of Americans in their prime, surpassing cancer, heart disease, and all other causes of death.

 

Of all races, however, the AIDS epidemic targeted mostly black men between 25 and 44.

 

Another curious observation: there has been no progress in mortality for the 45-54 year olds since the late 1990s.

 

This quandary is further compounded by the reduced mortality of cancer and heart disease – the biggest traditional killers of this age group – over the past several decades.

 

So what is the offset? Simple – a surge in deaths from two new killers – suicide and drug deaths.

 

As noted earlier, while until the mid-1990s, gun deaths outnumbered drug deaths, since then the number of gun murders has actually declined, while drug deaths have exploded. As have suicides. Actually perhaps it is time to ba suicides and drugs. Oh wait, somehow the pharma lobby wouldn’t be too happy with that.

 

As for cars, no need to ban those: motor-related deathes have plunged to a record low, even with seemingy everyone texting and driving.

 

Safer roads, however, have been more than offset by an explosion in suicides, with representatives of the 25-44 age group most likely to take their lives.

 

Still, despite all of the noted curious patern shifts, the reality remains that most Americans are living longer and dying of natural causes.

 

If there is any bad news here, it is that as Americans get older they increasingly succumb to such debilitating, age-related diseases as dementia and Alzheimer’s. Indeed, while there has been substantial progress in heart disease-related deaths, the total number of deaths in the 75 and older category has remained flat, precisely due to the increasing prevalence of such age-degenrative conditions.

 

Which means one thing is certain: the amount of spending on Alzheimer’s and other age-related diseases is set to soar.

Source: Bloomberg

Jesus Lived in a Police State

Guest Post by John W. Whitehead

 

“There is no evidence that Jesus himself openly advocated violent actions. But he was certainly no pacifist. “Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth. I have not come to bring peace, but the sword” (Matthew 10:34 | Luke 12:51).” ― Reza Aslan, Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth

Those living through this present age of SWAT team raids, police shootings of unarmed citizens, roadside strip searches, and invasive surveillance might feel as if these events are unprecedented. Yet while we in the United States may be experiencing a steady slide into a police state, we are neither the first nor the last nation to do so.

Although technology, politics and superpowers have changed over time, the characteristics of a police state and its reasons for being have remained the same: control, power and money. Indeed, as I point out in my book A Government of Wolves: The Emerging American Police State, a police state extends far beyond the actions of law enforcement. In fact, a police state “is characterized by bureaucracy, secrecy, perpetual wars, a nation of suspects, militarization, surveillance, widespread police presence, and a citizenry with little recourse against police actions.”

Just as police states have arisen throughout history, there have also been individuals or groups of individuals who have risen up to challenge the injustices of their age. Nazi Germany had its Dietrich Bonhoeffer. The gulags of the Soviet Union were challenged by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. America had its color-coded system of racial segregation and warmongering called out for what it was, blatant discrimination and profiteering, by Martin Luther King Jr.

And then there was Jesus Christ, an itinerant preacher and revolutionary activist, who not only died challenging the police state of his day—namely, the Roman Empire—but provided a blueprint for civil disobedience that would be followed by those, religious and otherwise, who came after him. Yet for all the accolades poured out upon Jesus, little is said about the harsh realities of the police state in which he lived and its similarities to modern-day America, and yet they are striking.

Secrecy, surveillance and rule by the elite. As the chasm between the wealthy and poor grew wider in the Roman Empire, the ruling class and the wealthy class became synonymous, while the lower classes, increasingly deprived of their political freedoms, grew disinterested in the government and easily distracted by “bread and circuses.” Much like America today, with its lack of government transparency, overt domestic surveillance, and rule by the rich, the inner workings of the Roman Empire were shrouded in secrecy, while its leaders were constantly on the watch for any potential threats to its power. The resulting state-wide surveillance was primarily carried out by the military, which acted as investigators, enforcers, torturers, policemen, executioners and jailers. Today that role is fulfilled by increasingly militarized police forces across the country.

Widespread police presence. The Roman Empire used its military forces to maintain the “peace,” thereby establishing a police state that reached into all aspects of a citizen’s life. In this way, these military officers, used to address a broad range of routine problems and conflicts, enforced the will of the state. Today SWAT teams, comprised of local police and federal agents, are employed to carry out routine search warrants for minor crimes such as marijuana possession and credit card fraud.

Citizenry with little recourse against the police state. As the Roman Empire expanded, personal freedom and independence nearly vanished, as did any real sense of local governance and national consciousness. Similarly, in America today, citizens largely feel powerless, voiceless and unrepresented in the face of a power-hungry federal government. As states and localities are brought under direct control by federal agencies and regulations, a sense of learned helplessness grips the nation.

Perpetual wars and a military empire. Much like America today with its practice of policing the world, war and an over-arching militarist ethos provided the framework for the Roman Empire, which extended from the Italian peninsula to all over Southern, Western, and Eastern Europe, extending into North Africa and Western Asia as well. In addition to significant foreign threats, wars were waged against inchoate, unstructured and socially inferior foes.

Martial law. Eventually, Rome established a permanent military dictatorship that left the citizens at the mercy of an unreachable and oppressive totalitarian regime. In the absence of resources to establish civic police forces, the Romans relied increasingly on the military to intervene in all matters of conflict or upheaval in provinces, from small-scale scuffles to large-scale revolts. Not unlike police forces today, with their militarized weapons and “shoot first, ask questions later” mindset, the Roman soldier had “the exercise of lethal force at his fingertips” with the potential of wreaking havoc on normal citizens’ lives.

A nation of suspects. Just as the American Empire looks upon its citizens as suspects to be tracked, surveilled and controlled, the Roman Empire looked upon all potential insubordinates, from the common thief to a full-fledged insurrectionist, as threats to its power. The insurrectionist was seen as directly challenging the Emperor. A “bandit,” or revolutionist, was seen as capable of overturning the empire, was always considered guilty and deserving of the most savage penalties, including capital punishment. Bandits were usually punished publicly and cruelly as a means of deterring others from challenging the power of the state. Jesus’ execution was one such public punishment.

Acts of civil disobedience by insurrectionists. Starting with his act of civil disobedience at the Jewish temple, the site of the administrative headquarters of the Sanhedrin, the supreme Jewish council, Jesus branded himself a political revolutionary. When Jesus “with the help of his disciples, blocks the entrance to the courtyard” and forbids “anyone carrying goods for sale or trade from entering the Temple,” he committed a blatantly criminal and seditious act, an act “that undoubtedly precipitated his arrest and execution.” Because the commercial events were sponsored by the religious hierarchy, which in turn was operated by consent of the Roman government, Jesus’ attack on the money chargers and traders can be seen as an attack on Rome itself, an unmistakable declaration of political and social independence from the Roman oppression.

Military-style arrests in the dead of night. Jesus’ arrest account testifies to the fact that the Romans perceived Him as a revolutionary. Eerily similar to today’s SWAT team raids, Jesus was arrested in the middle of the night, in secret, by a large, heavily armed fleet of soldiers. Rather than merely asking for Jesus when they came to arrest him, his pursuers collaborated beforehand with Judas. Acting as a government informant, Judas concocted a kiss as a secret identification marker, hinting that a level of deception and trickery must be used to obtain this seemingly “dangerous revolutionist’s” cooperation.

Torture and capital punishment. In Jesus’ day, religious preachers, self-proclaimed prophets and nonviolent protesters were not summarily arrested and executed. Indeed, the high priests and Roman governors normally allowed a protest, particularly a small-scale one, to run its course. However, government authorities were quick to dispose of leaders and movements that appeared to threaten the Roman Empire. The charges leveled against Jesus—that he was a threat to the stability of the nation, opposed paying Roman taxes and claimed to be the rightful King—were purely political, not religious. To the Romans, any one of these charges was enough to merit death by crucifixion, which was usually reserved for slaves, non-Romans, radicals, revolutionaries and the worst criminals.

Jesus was presented to Pontius Pilate “as a disturber of the political peace,” a leader of a rebellion, a political threat, and most gravely—a claimant to kingship, a “king of the revolutionary type.” After Jesus is formally condemned by Pilate, he is sentenced to death by crucifixion, “the Roman means of executing criminals convicted of high treason.” The purpose of crucifixion was not so much to kill the criminal, as it was an immensely public statement intended to visually warn all those who would challenge the power of the Roman Empire. Hence, it was reserved solely for the most extreme political crimes: treason, rebellion, sedition, and banditry. After being ruthlessly whipped and mocked, Jesus was nailed to a cross.

As Professor Mark Lewis Taylor observed:

The cross within Roman politics and culture was a marker of shame, of being a criminal. If you were put to the cross, you were marked as shameful, as criminal, but especially as subversive. And there were thousands of people put to the cross. The cross was actually positioned at many crossroads, and, as New Testament scholar Paula Fredricksen has reminded us, it served as kind of a public service announcement that said, “Act like this person did, and this is how you will end up.”

Jesus—the revolutionary, the political dissident, and the nonviolent activist—lived and died in a police state. Any reflection on Jesus’ life and death within a police state must take into account several factors: Jesus spoke out strongly against such things as empires, controlling people, state violence and power politics. Jesus challenged the political and religious belief systems of his day. And worldly powers feared Jesus, not because he challenged them for control of thrones or government but because he undercut their claims of supremacy, and he dared to speak truth to power in a time when doing so could—and often did—cost a person his life.

Unfortunately, the radical Jesus, the political dissident who took aim at injustice and oppression, has been largely forgotten today, replaced by a congenial, smiling Jesus trotted out for religious holidays but otherwise rendered mute when it comes to matters of war, power and politics. Yet for those who truly study the life and teachings of Jesus, the resounding theme is one of outright resistance to war, materialism and empire.

As Professor Taylor notes, “The power of Jesus is one that enables us to critique the nation and the empire. Unfortunately, that gospel is being sacrificed and squandered by Christians who have cozied up to power and wealth.” Ultimately, this is the contradiction that must be resolved if the radical Jesus—the one who stood up to the Roman Empire and was crucified as a warning to others not to challenge the powers-that-be—is to be an example for our modern age.

HAVE YOU EVER ALMOST KILLED YOURSELF?

Avalon mentioned my “fix it” prowess the other day in a seperate thread. It is clear to me and many others that I will never make it as an electrician if this finance gig doesn’t pan out. As a multitude of TBPers have built their own houses, done their own plumbing, and fix their own cars, I most certainly do not fall into the category of handy.

But, the rumors that this is my pool, are unfounded. Even I couldn’t be that stupid. Or could I?

Episode #1 – The Mystery of the Ringing Doorbell

When my son Jimmy was 2 or 3 years old he was a royal terror. Every day seemed like a death match between him and the world. It was essential that he take his 2 or 3 hour nap in the afternoon so everyone could get a break. Kevin was 6 or 7 years old and his little friends would ring our doorbell all day long for him to come out and play. Every time the doorbell would ring, Jimmy would wake up from his nap and begin terrorizing the household. Avalon could have put up this sign:

Instead Avalon eventually asked her Dad to disconnect the doorbell until Jimmy grew up. A few years went by and there were no longer naps needed in the Quinn household. Avalon said we could reconnect the doorbell. Simple enough, I thought. I took  the cover off the doorbell unit on the wall and there were wires everywhere. I had no idea which wires went where, so I guessed and rehooked them. I got off the ladder and pushed the doorbell. It worked. Case closed. Another household job handled by the multi-dimensional Administrator.

At 1:00 am that night, I was awoken by the doorbell ringing. I thought WTF in my stupor. I stumbled down the stairs to see who would be at the door at 1:00 am. To my chagrin, no one was there. I went back up to bed. At 2:00 am the doorbell rang again. I started cursing and accusing kids in the neighborhood of pulling a prank. But, there were no kids in sight. The freaking doorbell was ringing itself whenever it felt like it. It went on all night periodically waking me up.

In the morning I went downstairs and it smelled like something was burning. It was the doorbell unit. I had evidently put the wrong wires in the wrong spots and short-circuited the whole thing. I disconnected it before it burst into flames and to this day, our doorbell does not work.

But this is just a warm-up for my all-time doozy. My Chevy Chase Moment.

Episode #2 – This Isn’t a Live Wire, Is It?

Shortly after moving into our house in 1995 I noticed that a bunch of other houses in the neighborhood had attic fans on their roof. It sounded like a good idea to cheaply cool off the house. We hired a guy to install it. He did all the work and it worked automatically when the temperature reached a certain level. After about a year, it stopped working. We never got it fixed. I just forgot about it.

It was February 2003 and I left for a week long trip to Oxford University in the UK while working for IKEA. While I was away a 24 inch blizzard hit Phila.

After a 12 hour ordeal getting home, I walk into the house to a bucket up in the hallway catching the dripping water from the ceiling. It seems that the wind was so intense that it blew the snow up through the attic fan and into the attic where it was melting. I was tired and pissed off. We have a tiny hole in the kids closet where you can shimy into the attic. I went up there with a bucket and a shovel to get rid of the snow. I was not a happy camper.

I vowed to block off the attic fan hole the next day. I got a big hunk of wood, wood screws and my drill and headed up into the attic. There is no light, so Avalon was on the ladder with a flashlight shining it where I needed to cover the fan. I started my project and realized there was a pesky wire leading to the attic fan. This wire was blocking me from covering the fan properly. Being a dumbass accountant, my mind told me that since the fan hadn’t worked since 1997, there was no electricity running through the wire. I told Avalon to get me my wire cutters. You might have an idea of what happened next.

As Avalon held the flashlight I cut into a live wire. A shocking development as the electricity in the whole house blew out. The only reason I’m here today is the wire cutters had rubber grips. I dropped the wire cutters and luckily didn’t step off the beam I was balanced on and fall through the ceiling ala Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.

Now you know how I almost killed myself and why I pay to have all my electrical work done.

Have any of you almost killed yourself due to carelessness, stupidity, or hubris?