Tag: pay raise

BEST METHOD TO GET A RAISE

WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash! I need more cash!” remained the leading tactic for securing a raise. “Our research suggests that employees who have the most success in negotiating a pay raise stride confidently into their supervisor’s office, maintain eye contact as they pin him against a wall by his neck, and demand that he immediately start paying them more cash,” said the report’s lead author, Melanie Harrison, who noted the importance of clearly annunciating, “Give me cash now!” and, “Cash! Cash! Cash!” while slowly tightening one’s grip around their boss’s throat. “We also found that workers who were able to obtain the largest raises threw their supervisor back into his chair and plainly stated that they were not fucking around in the slightest.” Harrison went on to say that taking $100 out of a supervisor’s wallet, standing over his trembling body, and saying, “This is a good start” before tossing the empty billfold in his face usually secured an employee their desired raise on the spot.

Via The Onion

J.P. MORGAN BOARD GIVES JAMIE DIMON A 74% RAISE

Do you really think corporate Board of Directors are independent and looking out for the best interests of the stockholders? Look no further than the Board of J.P. Morgan. They voted to give Jamie Dimon an $8.5 million increase in pay for his outstanding performance in 2013. This is a 74% increase over the paltry $11.5 million they paid him in 2012. What would they do without such an outstanding leader?

His brilliant leadership of JP Morgan is clearly borne out by the over $20 BILLION in fines paid during 2013 for the criminal misdeeds of his bank over the last decade of decadence. No wonder he plays tennis inside his multi-million  dollar NYC penthouse. With annual pay of $20 million he can afford the damage to his rare art.

Word is that Jamie is terribly disappointed with his shamefully small increase. He was making $23 million per year back in 2011. How can an oligarch make ends meet when his compensation is lower than it was three years ago?

When I see stories like this I wonder what exactly it would take to get fired as CEO of a Too Big To Trust Wall Street Criminal Bank. Cashiers at Home Depot get fired if their till comes up $10 short more than three times in six months. The arrogant pompous CEO of JP Morgan can cost shareholders $20 BILLION in the space of one year and gets a 74% raise.

Of course, the only thing that matters to the Board and the ultra-rich shareholders is the fact that JP Morgan stock is up 22% in the last twelve months. That means his leadership has been stellar. Forget the $6 billion London Whale losses. Forget the mortgage foreclosure fraud. Forget rigging currency and derivatives markets. It’s amazing how much money can be generated when you borrow from the Fed for free, cooperate with the other Too Big To Trust Wall Street Criminal Banks to drive stock prices higher and suppress the price of gold, make accounting entries to relieve loan loss reserves, and fraudulently value your assets based on mark to fantasy accounting. This is truly pay for performance.

I must be doing something wrong. I help steward the resources of my employer in a cautious and conservative manner. I have always attempted to make sure every action I took was the best financial decision for my organization. I’ve done my job well over the years. I’ve gotten between 1.8% and 3% annual raises for my efforts. It looks like I’ve been making a big mistake. I should have taken extremely reckless risks and lost my employer millions in the process. Then I could have been promoted and given huge raises. How could I be so stupid?

Jamie Dimon is a truly disgusting human being. He is the poster boy for everything that is wrong with this fucked up corporate fascist state. He is more powerful than the president. He and his banker cronies own Janet Yellen. When the wheels come off this bus, we can only hope the angry broke masses will focus their ire on the true culprits. The wheels are wobbling. There is a lamppost with Jamie’s name on it. His $20 million won’t help him then.