I’ve been reading this guy James Altucher, a damn fine writer, several years now. Here -http://www.jamesaltucher.com/
His amazing heartfelt article below titled, “THERE’S NO PAINLESS WAY TO KILL YOURSELF” caused me to reflect on my own such thoughts over the years.
Mostly I’ve had thoughts in the past such as “I wish I were dead!” I guess that’s not the same as “I want to kill myself”. Or, is it? I don’t know, but it might be.
The first time was around 3rd grade. I had zero friends … for years since we arrived in America. No one in our Newark neighborhood — predominately Polish, Jewish, Italian, and Russian — wanted anything to do with the Nazi family (as they perceived us) in the neighborhood. Not knowing English I didn’t know jackshit what was being taught in Catholic school. I got bad grades. Very bad. My dad would kick my ass when I brought home a bad report card. One day I brought home a particularly bad one. We lived in a 3rd floor apartment. As I heard him come up the stairs I ran to my room, and hid under the bed, absolutely terrified. I distinctly remember as if it were yesterday how I wished I were dead. The evening did not end well for me.
The second time was around 11th grade. Stuff that happened in Catholic school finally came home to roost. Don’t want to go into the details but you can use your imagination. It was the only time I actually attempted suicide. My parents were gone to visit friends about an hour away. I sealed the garage, pulled out a lounge chair, had a bottle of Vodka (for courage), turned on the car … guzzled a large amount of Vodka, and closed my eyes. Fortunately for me, I suppose, my parents came home several hours earlier than expected.
The last time was when I got divorced after 19 years of marriage. In a nutshell I let her keep ALL the assets, and I took ALL the debts, which were significant. You know that saying,”he doesn’t have a pot to piss in”? That was me, overnight. But, the worst part was that my ex-wife decided that I was actually possessed by Satan (she meant that literally), and that contact with my two sons should cease. I don’t want to get into the reasons why I didn’t fight it except to say I thought it was best for DN and SJ to not be involved in ugly fighting between parents. Then 9-11 happened and within the year the software company I was heavily involved with went belly up. No job. No money. No kids. And when all that happens you eventually wind up with “no friends”. I was never more down, and I wished I could just die.
Thankfully, I no longer harbor any such thoughts. Probably because I am a masochist. I WANT to be around when the shit hits the fan. I WANT to see bankerfuks and their ilk hang from lampposts. I WANT to be part of that process. Lol
But the real reason is probably because I simply don’t give a shit about material things anymore. My kids are grown and on their own. What the hell do I need a lot of shit for? I don’t. I appreciate the little I have without wanting to have more. Except for my new food dehydrator. That little fucker brings me great joy. I made strawberry rollups the other day. LIFE IS GOOD!!!
I hope you all don’t think this is a morbid post. It is what it is. My life, that is. I’m guessing there won’t be many responses. Who the hell wants to admit they ever even THOUGHT about offing themselves? Lol I hope I’m wrong, though. Maybe you can share your general thoughts about the topic. Or, stories you know about other people.
How shall I then live now? My pal Jeebus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Later on it is written, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”.
That’s my ultimate GOAL, to live like that … but it IS difficult with the Amerika I used to love crumbling all around me. That’s the final reason I don’t dream of offing myself. I have this teeny tiny sliver of hope that America will be restored once again … and I want to be around to see it, if possible.
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THERE’S NO PAINLESS WAY TO KILL YOURSELF
I gave my 11 year old daughter important advice the other day: there’s no painless way to kill yourself.
“What about with a gun?” she said.
I told her about a friend of mine who shot himself in the mouth. He put the gun in his mouth and pointed upwards towards the brain.
He missed.
He shot off half his face, he went blind in one eye, and he is now in a wheelchair.
If you type in “I Want to Die” into google, my website is the first result.
My first business I sold for $15 million. We built websites for entertainment companies. Bad Boy Records, Miramax, Time Warner, HBO, Sony, Disney, Loud Records, Interscope, on and on. Oh, and Con Edison.
Mobb Deep would hang out in my office. Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails would stop by. RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan would want to play chess. We even made a website for a brothel in Nevada. Then I saw that kids in junior high school were learning HTML. So I sold the business.
I bought an apartment for millions. I rebuilt it. Feng Shui! I bought art. I played a lot of poker. I began investing in companies. A million here. A few hundred thousand there.
Then I started more companies. Then I bought more things. Then I became an addict. The worst kind of addict.
From June 2000 until September, 2001 I probably lost $1 million a month. I couldn’t stop. I wanted to get back up to the peak. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have $100 million so people would love me.
Writing this now I even feel like slitting my wrists and stomach. I have 2 kids.
I felt like I was going to die. That zero equals death. I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. I lost all my friends. Nobody returned calls. I would go to the ATM machine – from $15 million to $143 left.
There were no jobs, There was nothing.
One weekend when I had $0 left in my bank account I called my parents to borrow money but they said “no”. “College was enough” they told me, even though I had ended up paying for every dime of college. That was the last time I spoke to my dad, who had a stroke six months later.
I tried meditation to calm down but it didn’t work. I never slept. I lost 30 lbs. I’m 5’9″. I went from 160 to 130. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t move. I stopped having ideas. I cried every day.
There was never a moment when I didn’t feel sick. I had let my kids down. I would die and they would never remember me.
We moved 80 miles north of NYC with the tiny bit of money we took out of our apartment after being forced to sell at a million dollar loss. I couldn’t leave the house for three months. I was depressed. I gained back all my weight and then another 30 lbs.
Finally I had to either die or feed my family. I was forced to choose myself.
– I started to exercise every day. I started to eat better. One item for breakfast. A healthy lunch. Tiny dinner. No snacks.
– I started to sleep 9 hours a day.
– I started to only be around people who loved and supported me. I broke off all ties with anyone who I felt bad to be around.
– I wrote down ideas every day of articles I could write and about businesses I could start. Bit by bit I started to get paid to write. If you don’t exercise the idea muscle it atrophies.
– I decided I wanted to help people every day and be honest every day. I was grateful for my daughters. I was grateful for what I had. I didn’t fight reality or regret. This was my reality and I had to make the best of it.
– Every day I came up with ideas for new businesses. I had a waiter’s pad. I would go to a cafe at 6 in the morning with about 4 books and read for an hour or two and then start writing down ideas for new businesses, articles, etc.
– I started a hedge fund. I started a fund of hedge funds. I started a newsletter. I did deals. I made introductions every day, expanding my brand new network from scratch. At least 5 introductions a day.
– I got involved in a mental health company I sold for $41 million.
– I started a website, Stockpickr! which got millions of unique users. I found advertising for it. I sold it to thestreet.com
– I had made millions again from scratch.
Then I stopped using the fundamental techniques I described above. Every time I’ve lost money it’s because I squandered my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
I was really bad. I did everything you should not do. I was like an addict. Picture the worst abuses. That was me. Again.
And then I lost it all again. Everything. Agh!
I had to start over. I couldn’t even believe I had to start from scratch atgain.
Every day without fail I focus on physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. And it’s worked. I hope. I hope I don’t squander again.
People say it’s not about the end, it’s about the journey.
This is total BS.
It’s not about the journey and it never was.
It’s about right now. Right now is the only place you’ll ever be. Choose yourself not to waste it.
.
http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2013/05/theres-no-painless-way-to-kill-yourself/
Feel suicidal ? Only in the mornings- Brad Pitt Oceans 11
I want to kill myself every time Fat Boy Christie’s Stronger Than the Storm campaign commercial plays on TV.
My job makes me want to kill myself. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m having no success finding a different one. It’s eight hours of prolonged, painful, suffocating tedium and monotony. After about 30 minutes of it I can feel myself starting to go crazy. Believe me, no one with an IQ over 75 would want to do what I do all day. I have an appointment with a counselor and hope they can prescribe me a drug that will turn me into a zombie from 8:00 until 4:30, so that I don’t care how bored I am, and that then the drug will promptly wear off and allow me to return to normal for the evenings and weekends.
Kill myself? No, I worry too much about what would happen to my family without me around…and I’ve reached the age where too many people in the obits are younger than me anyway.
Plus, I have too many things I’d like to accomplish before I hang up my spurs. Every day is precious.
I worry more about Avalon bumping me off for the life insurance money.
Why does she keep a jug of Prestone in the kitchen cabinet?
I was wishing she would die a horrible death in an accident, then the accident happened to me and when I saw myself in the mirror, all banged up and looking years older, my only thought was that I would not wish it on anyone. not even myself.
those kind of ideas do not come from you and a line from a movie about a child molester, with ted damson said, everyone has those (kinds) of thoughts but you don’t act on them.
Never had even a passing thought of suicide,
Now murder and mass killing……….
suicidal…nope.
depressed over the ruination of the country by sociopaths we actually elect to office. yep!
Couple thoughts…
Trying Jeebus or Jesus as I call him is not a bad idea. I’m not trying to preach to anyone but the premise is that God put us on this Earth with a hole in our hearts, in our very beings that can only be filled by him. That is why there is only passing satisfaction in the material. Sure you feel good for a little bit but that feeling passes.
Also as far as a good drug goes Pirate Jo, look into a drug called Modafinil or Modalert. It does exactly what you described in your post. Some of you may have heard of “smart drugs”, basically that is what this is. It keeps boring repetitive work interesting.
I know some of you may wonder what the hell on one hand this guy is advocating God on the other he is recommending drugs. Whatever, I’m a complicated person. Aren’t we all?
I once had a friend say, “Life is the right combination of drugs.” LOL
Kind of makes sense when you think about it, coffee in the morning to wake up, drinks at night to go to sleep.
I didn’t invent this crazy world we live in, I just live in it and use all the tools available. LOL
Stucky
You are brave (or nuts) to bare your soul like that, but I thank you.
Two in-law relatives committed suicide. One was a 13 year old and one was a clinical psychologist in her 40’s. Both were great shocks and tragedies, especially since the father of the kid was the brother of the adult.
The recent suicide note from the young veteran which was all over the web is a good example of the kind of internal pain that drives a person to commit the act. The perspective that “the world would be better off without me” seems to be the ultimate conclusion for one to take him/herself out.
I considered it a couple of times after my own divorce, but I changed the subject in my head because I couldn’t bring even more pain to my kids.
I’m not sure I could stand living in constant unremitting physical pain. That’s the only thing I think of that would possibly lead me to consider it again.
I guess the antidote to suicide is hope. A life lived within the framework of faith offers that. The broken pieces of a life can be restored to something stronger and better, as your story demonstrates.
Yeah, I been down before too. Lost, with no sense of direction. Making it through each day, one at a time. Kind of like packing my 150 pound anvil 5 miles out of the woods, one step at a time. Can’t do it, can’t do it- but you keep pulling another step out of somewhere. Sheer fucking determination.
It is the little things like making strawberry roll ups that help to re focus a sense of purpose for living life. On a spiritual level turning that corner, having seen into the abyss makes these days brighter. In order to know light, one must experience darkness.
I haven’t wanted to kill myself, but I wanted to choke the chicken a few times.
I’ve had two serious depressive episodes in my life. One was when I was 17. I was a moderately athletic, but skinny, shy, bookish kid with really bad acne and the lack of self-image to go along with it. The second was from 35-37, when I was let go from a F/T teaching gig after doing a career switch into that from engineering and investing WAY too much of myself in my job. When I lost the job, I also lost my sense of identity and was left with some intensely bitter feelings based on the fact that I did do some pretty significant things in the classroom. Definitely thought about it many times during those periods.
When I was depressed, I ended up a misery junkie. I couldn’t feel anything positive about my life (even during my second episode when I had a 1-2 year old daughter), so at least the misery made me feel alive. I never got to where I actually attempted suicide, though. I think that the passivity that being a “misery junkie” engendered may have actually helped prevent me from doing anything, and in the second instance the glimmers of happiness I got from spending time with my daughter helped me to come out of it. My marriage held on by a thread, and I’m pretty sure that if my wife would have left me (and took our daughter) I would have broken.
I’m also glad I went through it. Especially the second episode. One of the major problems I had with the first treatment is that my therapist didn’t compel me to dig deep enough and learn coping mechanisms, because I am a brooding person by nature — and when something goes wrong I have difficulty letting go of it. I did learn how to better cope during the second go-around. I was on antidepressants for a brief period of time — only long enough to gain a little space from the suffocating misery and think clearly — but I came away with the knowledge that the real important part of learning to cope was the therapy.
Ultimately, I agree with Chris Hedges (among others) that forms of mental illness like depression, extreme anxiety, etc. are social illnesses, not individual illnesses. They are a result of our culture of separation from the natural world and each other, and some of us just experience the angst of that separation a little more acutely. That’s probably why most people who go through severe depression and are able to learn to cope with and overcome it rely much more on therapy — just having a nonjudgmental person to talk to and listen to them — than the pharmaceutical side of things.
Now, I’m just thankful for my wonderful wife and two beautiful kids every day, and I know that as long as I am able to have them around we’ll always find a way. Material possessions are fleeting. It’s the relationships in our lives that are real — if we are able to fend off the continual attempts to commodify them by the status quo.
JJ3 – That “hole in your heart” isn’t filled by God — at least not in the theological sense. It’s filled by the community that many people find in churches. And it’s missing that feeling of community (because genuine community founded on gift exchanges is antithetical to the mantra of perpetual growth and therefore must be besieged at all opportunities) that causes the hole that most people feel in their heart.
Join something and get busy with other people doing something that’s meaningful to you. If you find that at a church — great! If you find it somewhere else — great! But above all, don’t just sit there and let it stew, because that will only pull you down further and highlight your sense of separation.
Many times. And many times the only thing that’s kept me from doing so is the belief that suicides have to come back and do it all over (you can’t go awol on God). I’ve said many time I wish my Mother would have drowned me in the bathtub, my life IS the reason I believe in abortion, and if I’m REALLY pissed at someone the worse thing I can say (and I’ve only said it about twice) is ‘I hope you come back (after you die) and have MY LIFE’.
I have fleetingly thought about it in the past but if I acted on it that would mean the bastards win and homey don’t play that!
I’m actually fascinated by suicide in an academic sense. The reasoning behind it and the message it sends is the most interesting part.
Gayle mentioned unremitting physical pain as a possible impetus. The pain I’ve experienced with this ankle over the last five years has been more than I thought any human could bear. At times, (many times) the pain was the only thing I could think of as it seemed to grab me by my very soul and squeeze like being run over by a truck. Never once did I consider or even think of suicide as a cure. I never took pain killers for it and always thought I could go there later if push came to shove. Instead, I would use the pain as a sort of mental fortitude test…….a game if you will. However, if there was no hope of eventually getting rid of the pain…..ever……suicide might rise on the list of options.
I’ve said here before that if I was diagnosed with a progressively debilitating and terminal illness that I’d take myself out. I believe that I would but until that bridge appears in my path I’ll never know.
I’ve also joked here that if I ever decided to do it I’d like to go to my worst enemies home, cut my wrists and do jumping jacks while spinning in a circle in every room of their house. Better be a small house or small cuts!
One thing is for sure, you definitely would not want to employ me as one of those people who talk people down. I’d take the opposite approach and test their commitment to the act! I’d get ’em all down one way or another and in a hurry!
Yes. I’m a sick bastard!
I_S
I will admit the thought ran through my mind a couple times.
The first was when I became pregnant in my teens, my very first “option” was suicide (ruled out), then abortion (couldn’t do it), then running away (“love” and “hope” kept me), I picked marriage and baby, turns out I should have only picked one of those things.
About six months later after my hub kicked me in the leg (my leg wasn’t pregnant you know) because of something I had done the year before we met. I blame it on preg hormones and a sense of impending doom.
In 1990 I was going through a horrible divorce and after about six months I started dating. Two months later the man I was dating died in a car accident. I saw what that did to his kids so when the thoughts popped into my head (like the night my ex was terrorizing me) were never considered seriously.
In 2001 I lost my mother (twelve years ago yesterday), my son was kicked out of his senior year in high school (thanks to his dad, there were alternatives that were refused), the best job I ever had was ending with the downsizing of the company and loss of CISCO money, I moved, then my then-hub informed me his secretary was more desirable than I.
So, in one year I lost my 18 year dream (son graduating), my marriage, my stepsons (was like my family got into a car and never came home), my mother and the most enjoyable job I ever had.
If not for my son and my nieces and nephews, I’m still not sure if I would have made it through 2001.
But, I will admit that I have wanted to off others many more times than I ever wanted to hurt myself.
Seems like conditional love to me. Seems like you have to sacrifice free will to get His love. If I believed in God, I like to think He would love me unconditionally.
I_S
Suicidal – no
Homicidal – yes
After I realized the world was bat-shit crazy and that I was bathed 24/7 in lies and propaganda, I realized my frustrations and anger were an honest response to the dishonesty that surrounded me.
Going from unconscious to conscious can be depressing – and lonely. We leave a lot behind when we walk off the “Truman Show”.
I meant to quote the second paragraph of T4C’s post at the top of my post above.
I_S
Geezus, what an article (not Stucky’s comments, the other one). The stupid fuck based his existence on his income. Lost all his money, boo hoo, then became a fat drug addict? Then did it again and didn’t learn his lesson? A complete and utter fool. He should have done the world a favor and offed himself.
I’ve had my struggles in life, but I learned from them and came out the other side more spiritually fit. Pain is the only way to learn lessons in life, and life is nothing but a classroom where we learn spiritual lessons; the end result being 100% faith in God, then you can move on to the next phase of your soul away from this planet. But 99.9% of people never learn any lessons, they remain obese, stupid, grubbing for money and sex like animals. So, they get to come back again and again till they figure out what is important in life.
Stucky has learned his lessons. Be happy with what you have. The less you have, and the more you appreciate what you have, the happier you are. It’s so simple really, you’d think more people would figure it out. But that is not what we’re taught; we’re trained like circus monkeys to consume, consume, and consume. People run out of room for their shit, and so storage facilities are now a multi-billion dollar business. Just pile it up, and then run to Wal Mart and start buying some more Chinese crap.
Divorce just about killed me. After my wife took off with my kids, I took a six week cruise to S. American and Antarctica. I had every intention of jumping overboard once we got to Antarctica. Hypothermia is an excellent, painless way to die. But, alas, God had other plans for me. I’ve struggle with other problems as well that almost killed me, but God saved me again. Not religion, but God. There’s no other way to explain it.
I’m glad I’m still alive. I have two beautiful children to live for, and I get to help people every day. If you’re depressed and suicidal, get some help. People, especially white males, have a hard time asking for help. Kids with student loans are killing themselves every day. People that have lost their jobs are killing themselves every day. Our society tells you your entire worth as a person is based on how much money and stuff you have; what kind of car you drive, how big your house is. It’s all utter bullshit.
Meditate, pray, and get in touch with your soul, and you will quickly realize the “big scam” perpetrated by the corporatocracy and banksters to keep you consuming and in debt no matter what. Get healthy, shed the pounds and beat obesity and sloth. Your health is all that really matters. You can’t be very happy unless you are healthy. You can’t get love from fast food or cars (despite what the fucking advertisers would have you believe). There is only one source of love and happiness, and the more time you spend tapping into that power, the more likely you are to experience love and happiness. Enough said.
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peace, happiness, spirituality, health and love are an “inside job”. The light is always on in your soul, it’s just that “nobody’s home” most of the time.
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AWD
Awesome post at 1:52 One of your best ever, imho.
Some rather touching and hearfelt stories in this thread.
And lots of very good advice / insights.
You foks rock !!!!
I think of my family enduring Nazi occupied Holland. Starving and having the allies dropping bombs on them, and life seems easy to me.
AWD is quoting Persian poetry. Now I’ve seen it all.
Spirituality supersedes all race, creed or color. Your soul is colorblind, non-religious, non-sectarian, and ageographical. The universe of the soul is infinite.
kill myself?
no
thirty other people maybe, but me, no way
“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”
Joseph Campbell
Zarathustra says:
“AWD is quoting Persian poetry. Now I’ve seen it all.”
AWD is quoting posting skinny age-appropriate women. Now I’ve seen it all.
“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny”
Well done, Great line. Never heard that one.
Nice.. and fitting…
T4C says:
“A ‘God’ that puts a hole in one’s heart and decrees it can only be filled by Him (note that ‘him’ is capitalized when referring to ‘God’) is a ‘God’ with an Ego….which actually classifies him as a god. The god of the FSA.
A God that does 99% of the work needed for one to be a Homo sapien (Latin, literally ‘wise man’) and offers one a 1% stake (that would be the hole in the heart) in making one’s Self whole is truly a generous God. Accepting that offer denies one membership into the FSA.
Sounds to me like an offer that cannot, or should not, be refused”
huh? I haven’t read the bible for a while so excuse me for not being up to speed on this “hole in the heart” stuff. I am from the ‘keep it simple’ school of believers. to paraphrase descartes, i believe, therefore i am. if you give yourself to someone, you will need to lose your clothing. if you give yourself to god, you will need to lose all your excuses and defenses and conditions and prerequisites and expectations and baubles and gaugles. if you are waiting for a sign, a voice, a need, a special occasion, or time to get ready, all those are conditions making you look like one of those crabs that sticks bits of detritus to its shell and a hypocrite as well for asking god to love you unconditionally when you won’t do the same. (I am not referring to T4C, surprise!)
lost me at descartes.
AWD, thanks!
Stucky, your ex should be posting here. Sounds like she’s the one with the brains in the family.
Divorce sucks, I know. But why make a commitment you don’t intend to keep, or do it more than once?
LL, thanks for keeping it real, not!
Peace, out!
T4C says:
“I agree with IIpoh, I also am not seeing the connection with Descartes, but perhaps it’s because you misquoted him which would skew your reasoning from the get-go.”
dammit, I should remember that llpoh is a nitpicky dude and T4C is the female llpoh. is did not misquote him but I did not manage to apply his idea in my rewording.
anywaaaaaaayyyy, I just wanted to say that you don’t need to get all philosophical about religion, just do it. (and please don’t come back with a midcentury lesson on Nike’s original ad campaign quote.)
“I haven’t read the bible for a while so excuse me for not being up to speed on this “hole in the heart” stuff.” ———- FBS
It’s not in the Bible.
Blaise Pascal published “Pensee”, a defense of Christianity. In that work he says;
“There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing. It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.”
Christians have been quoting (and, misquoting) it for centuries since. St. Augustine made a somewhat similar observation in his “Confessions”; —“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”
” … you don’t need to get all philosophical about religion, just do it.” —– llpoh
What the hell does that mean … “just do it”??
“If a man takes a wife and, after sleeping with her …. no proof of the young woman’s virginity can be found….. the men of her town shall stone her to death.” — Deut 22
Was Mrs. llpoh a virgin when you married her? If not, get some men from your village and stone her to death. Just do it!!
T4C says:
“I agree with IIpoh, I also am not seeing the connection with Descartes, but perhaps it’s because you misquoted him which would skew your reasoning from the get-go.”
Forget descartes, just forget i mentioned his name. My reasoning is not skewed by him because the idea was mine, not his. My name must be juantel, I certainly could fuck up a wet dream: the ideas go pinging through my head but the words to express them are not there.
“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.” ― Saint Thomas Aquinas.
Being a thoughtful, introspective engineer-type, I have contemplated how I would go about committing suicide, if I ever felt the need. But thankfully, I have never come close to that decision. Like everyone, I’ve had some rough times, but never depressed enough to throw in the towel. Tonight, however, I happened to catch the beginning of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. After hearing all the hoopla, I watched the first 5 minutes out of morbid curiousity. I am re-thinking suicide-maybe not such a bad idea after all. Fuck.