I have this theory. CNN stands for Certainly Not News. It is not a News Station that has commercials. It is a Commercial Station whereby the sponsors occasionally allows “news”. Also, when “news” is reported, it rarely is news. And now I have proof.
In a never-before experiment (at least not one I could find on the net), I recorded and watched 12 hours of CNN programs, from 10AM until 10PM, on Monday April 28, 2014. I chose Monday because except for a few hours, CNN has no real news coverage on weekends … preferring, instead, to broadcast entertainment, reality shows, infomercials, and other pabulum befitting an “entertainment company” (their words). So, there should be significant pent up news on Monday. Right? Wrong.
Of necessity, this will be a long post. So, let me produce the summary up front.
SUMMARY OF CNN PROGRAMMING, April 28, 2014, 10AM – 10PM
—- Number of unique stories: Basically, 5. That is NOT a misprint.
—- Number of Commercials: 444 (from 170 sponsors)
CNN basically aired a mere 5 unique stories. There were a total of 89 total stories. Here is the breakdown;
— 1) Tornado —————— 34 times
— 2) LA Clippers ————– 24 times
— 3) Malaysian Flight ——– 10 times
— 4) Ukraine Sanctions ——- 9 times
— 5) Corrupt Congressman — 6 times
— 6) Korean Ferry ————- 3 times
— 7) A bear cub —————- once (a 2 minute fluff piece)
— 8) Headlines redefined —– once (3 minute nonsensical potpourri)
— 9) Search warrants for cell phones — once (3 minute filler at 9:57PM)
Let’s get started with the details regarding CNN’s programming.
———————————————————————————————
10AM — “CNN NEWSROOM”
Tornado / Ukraine Sanctions / Malaysian Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- Tracphone
- Ensure
- Electricians Union
- Trinet
- Prilosec
- Hotels.com
- Air Optix
- Century Link
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
Tornado / Korean Ferry / LA Clippers / Congressman (Donald Grimm arrested by FBI)
COMMERCIALS
- Angie’s List
- Glucerna
- Axiron Testosterone
- LaQuinta
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- Mayweather vs Maidana
- STARZ
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Geico
- Celebrex
- IHop
- Lumber Liquidators
- Lincoln (GM)
- Purina
Congressman / Malaysian Airplane / Ukraine Sanctions / Korean Ferry
COMMERCIALS
- Behr (Paints)
- Humira
- Newtek
- Lumber Liquidators
- Nutrisystem
Tornado / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- LaQuinta
- Ensure
- Chantix
- The 60’s (CNN Show)
- Hilton Head
11AM — “AT THIS HOUR WITH BERMAN”
Congressman / Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- American Natural Gas
- Behr
- Subaru
- Angie’s List
- Aleve
- Friskies
- Best Western
- energytomorrow.org
- Invent Help
Tornado / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Barclays
- Century Link
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- Lifestyle Lift
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Legal Zoom
- Neutragena
- Best Western
- AAG Reverse Mortgage
- Truecar
Tornado / Malaysian Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- Scotts Turf Builder
- NYSE (Rubicon Project)
- Glucerna
- Servicemaster Cleaning
- Invent Help
- Witnessed (CNN Show)
- Northern Trust
- Sleepys
Malaysian Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- shinglesinfo.com
- Century Link
- Credit Karma
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- Showtime
- Disney Family Movies
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Geico
- Lumber Liquidators
- IHop
- Norfolk Southern
- Wells Fargo
- Credit Karma
- Nutrisystem
Korean Ferry
NOON — “LEGAL VIEW WITH ASHLEIGH BANFIELD”
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Aleve
- shinglesinfo.com
- UPS
- Mybetriq (Bladder Drug)
- Zillow
- Med Care
- Best Western
- Christian Mingle
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Rado (Swiss watch)
- Maxwell House
- Liberty Mutual
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- Spencer Savings Bank
- Sandals.com
Congressman
COMMERCIALS
- Humira
- Kayak
- Norfolk Southern
- Alka Selzer
- Nutrisystem
- Liberty Mutual
Tornado / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Century Link
- Aleve
- Angies List
- Med Care
- Best Western
- Christian Mingle
- Erin Burnett (CNN Show)
- iLuminate (Broadway Show)
- Northern Trust
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Cisco
- Lexus
- Lactaid
- Cancer Treatment Of America
- Life Lift
1PM — “WOLF”
Tornado / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Ruby Tuesday
- Chase
- Biotene
- Maxwell House
- US Mail
- Friskies
- Aleve
- Invent Help
Congressman
COMMERCIALS
- Experian
- Nasacort
- NYSE (Rubicon Project)
- Neutragena
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- Mayweather vs Maidana
- Inside MMA
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Ruby Tuesday
- Alkaselzer
- iPhone
- Invent Help
- Witnessed (CNN Show)
- Laser Spine Institute
Malaysian Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- Prevacid
- Humira
- Autovantage
LA CLIPPERS
COMMERCIALS
- Tracphone
- Liberty Mutual
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- The Square Yard
- Beaches.com
Ukraine Sanctions
2PM — “CNN NEWSROOM”
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Duluth Trading
- Expedia
- Victoza
- Invent Help
LA CLIPPERS
COMMERCIALS
- Angie’s List
- Century Link
- St. Joseph Aspirin
- Clear Choice Dental
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- Medical Alert
Malaysian Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- Newtek
- Nationwide
- Lifestyle Lift
- Truecar
- Volunteers Of America
Tornado / Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Lyrica
- Servpro
- Invent Help
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- Northern Trust
- Northeast Gas Association
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Behr
- Xeljanz
- Newtek
- stopirsdebt.com
Ukraine Sanctions
COMMERCIALS
- Angie’s List
- Eliquis
- CNN -Go There
- Mayweather vs Maidana
Congressman / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Humira
- Maxwell House
- Jos. A. Banks (Clothing Store)
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- Hilton Head
- The 60’s (CNN Show)
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Cadillac
- Microsoft Cloud
- Olive Garden
- Jos. A Bank
- Energy.org
- Liberty Mutual
- Erin Burnett (CNN Show)
Malaysia Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- Maxwell House
- Phillips Milk Of Magnesia
- Jos. A Bank
- Hilton
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- Maurice Dubois (CNN Show)
- iLuminate
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- shinglesinfo.com
- Liberty Mutual
- Invention Help
- NBA Playoffs
- Our Time (Dating Service)
Tornado / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Microsoft Cloud
- Angie’s List
- Hard On (Cialis)
- Jos. A Bank
- Servicemaster
- Lennox (Heating)
Tornado
4PM — “THE LEAD WITH JAKE TAPPER”
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- energytomorrow.org
- Rado
- Laser Spine Institute
- Quicken Loans
- Lennox
- energytomorrow.org
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Univ. Of Phoenix
- oilrigged.com
- Microsoft Cloud
- Jos. A Bank
- Angie’s List
- Vistaprint
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- ready.gov/alerts
- energysaver.gov
Tornado / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Century Link
- Marriott
- AT&T
- Linzess (can’t take a shit medicine)
- Norfolk Southern
- Jos. A Bank
- Ortho
- Fannie Mae / Freddie Mac (YOUR government dollars hard at work)
Ukraine – (Obama not willing to use force) / Kerry
COMMERCIALS
- Jos. A Bank
- Humira
- oilrigged.com
- Weather Tech (car floor mats)
- Witnesses (CNN Show)
- northeastgas.org
- Mybobs (cheap shit furniture)
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Fannie Mae /Freddie Mac
- Polident (gum jobs)
- Jos. A Bank
- Microsoft Cloud
- Phillips
- NYSE (Rubicon Project)
- Invent Help
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- everyoneon.org
- energysaver.com
Tornado
5PM — “THE SITUATION ROOM”
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Purina
- Behr
- Maxwell House
- Prevacid
- St. Joseph Aspirin
- Geico
- Honda Lawnmowers
- Truecar
- Med Care
- Magic Jack (how Magic Johnson changes tires on his Bentley)
- Invent Help
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Norfolk Southern
- St. Joseph Aspirin
- Ocuvite (Eye Vitamins)
- Laser Spine Institute
- Our Time
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- everyoneon.org
- ready.gov
Tornado / Ukraine, new violence
COMMERCIALS
- Cadillac
- Philips
- chooseenergy.org
- Prevacid
- AT&T
- ibew.org
- Ocuvite
- Volunteers Of America
- Newtek
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Northrup Gruman
- NYSE (Rubicon Project)
- Lexus
- Jos. A Bank
- Angie’s List
- oilrigged.com
- Weather Tech
- Erin Burnett (CNN Show)
- ready.gov/alerts
- energysaver.gov
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Jos. A Bank
- Hard On (Cialis)
- chooseenergy.org
- Marriott
- Select Quote
- Truecar
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- CBS News
- Lee’s Toyota
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Geico
- flowers.com
- match.com
- Linzess
- Olive Garden
- Polygrip
- Marriott
- Vistaprint
- Erin Burnett (CNN Show)
- Invent Help
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- energytomorrow.org
- Northrup Gruman
- hotels.com
- Lexus
- Humira
- energytomorrow.org
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- Olive Garden
6:30PM — “CROSSFIRE” [yes, please shoot me!!]
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- NYSE (Trinet)
- Century Link
- Jos. A Bank
- Lennox
- poweredbyasmile.org
- Invisible Man (CNN Show)
- Lee’s Toyota
- CBS News
Ukraine Sanctions
COMMERCIALS
- NYSE (Rubicon Project)
- match.com
- Jos. A Bank
- Marriott
- Ruby Tuesday
- oilrigged.com
- AT&T
- Credit Karma
- Erin Burnett (CNN Show)
- everyoneon.org
- ready.gov
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
Tornado
7PM — “ERIN BURNETT OUT FRONT”
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- flowers.com
- thinkaboutit.org
- Glucerna
- Century Link
- Scotts Turf Builder
- Movie: “Million Dollar Arm”
- Smith & Nephew (Hip Replacement)
- Witnessed (CNN Show)
Malaysian Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- Microsoft Windows
- Phillips
- chooseenergy.org
- Norfolk Southern
- Travelocity
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- ready.gov/alerts
- energysaver.gov
Ukraine Sanctions
COMMERCIALS
- Quicken Loans
- Alka Selzer
- Wells Fargo
- Nationwide
- Lifelock
- Rosetta Stone
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- Broadway Show: “Of Mice And Men”
- Sleepy’s
- Broadway Show: “Of Mice And Men”
Tornado / LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Hilton
- Bayer
- Norfolk Southern
- match.com
- Varilux (Eyeglass Lenses)
- Zillow
- Vistaprint
- Carbonite
- Witnessed (CNN Show)
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Century Link
- Hilton
- Miracle Grow (ViagraFor Plants)
- gotomeeting.com
- The 60’s (CNN Show)
- everyoneon.org
- ebergysaver.gov
Two Minute Fluff Piece About A Bear Cub
8PM — “ANDERSON COOPER 360”
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Discover Card
- Philips
- Marriott
- Charles Schwab
- Microsoft Windows
- Quicken Loans
- chooseenergy.org
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Chase
- Behr
- Movie: “Million Dollar Arm”
- Samsung Galaxy
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- everyoneon.org
- ready.gov
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- energytomorrow.org (Pro Fracking)
- inew.org
- Volunteers Of America
- Hilton
- AT&T
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
- Broadway Show: “Of Mice And Men”
- Lexus
- Broadway Show: “Of Mice And Men”
Malaysian Airplane
COMMERCIALS
- NYSE (Trinet)
- thinkaboutit.org
- HBO
- iPhone
- Kayak
- Marriott
Tornado
COMMERCIALS
- Microsoft Cloud
- Subaru
- Charles Schwab
- Jos. A Bank
- The 60’s (CNN Show)
- American Ballet Theater
- David Pankin Law Offices
- American Ballet Theater
9PM — “SMERCONISH”
LA Clippers
COMMERCIALS
- Discover
- Angie’s List
- massageenvy.com
- Ruby Tuesday
- Cadillac
- Breath Right
- Century Link
- AT&T
- Atlantis
- CNN
LA CLippers
COMMERCIALS
- thinkaboutit.com
- Depends Diapers
- Infiniti
- St. Joseph Aspirin
- Samsung Galaxy
- Witnessed (CNN Show)
- Lexus
- Sleepy’s
- The 60’s (CNN Show)
Tornado / Ukraine Sanctions
COMMERCIALS
- chooseenergy.org
- Angie’s List
- St. Joseph Aspirin
- Subaru
- Nationwide
- Varilux
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- ready.gov/alerts
- energysaver.gov
Headlines Redefined (miscellaneous junk that made no sense)
COMMERCIALS
- Priceline (where fat ex-starship captains go)
- oilrigged.com
- St. Josephs Aspirin
- Cadillac
- Axiron
- Ruby Tuesday
- Atlantis
- Inside Man (CNN Show)
Malaysian Airline
COMMERCIALS
- eHarmony
- AFLAC
- Century Link
- Jos. A Bank
- Vistaprint
- Comfort Inn
- Parts Unknown (CNN Show)
- American Ballet Theater
- Keeper (Password Protection Software)
- American Ballet Theater
Does law enforcement need a warrant to search your cell phone (2 min)
The End. Thankfully!
———————————————————————————————
A CLOSER LOOK: FOUR DAYS LATER – ONE DETAILED HOUR OF CNN PROGRAMMING
Perhaps Monday was just an anomaly? So, I waited four days to take a look at a Prime Time spot … CNN’s vacuous eye-candy teleprompter-reading bimbo, Erin Burnett. It also gave me an opportunity to break down to the minute the amount of time actually spent on news vs. not-news.
Let me quickly define “not-news”.
—1) Commercials. Obviously.
—2) Announcements. CNN’s version of foreplay, trying to get you excited about the next segment “coming up after the break”, These occur at the begging of every show, before every commercial, and at the end of every segment.
— 3) Expert Panels. The teleprompter reader — errr, “reporter” — will read something and then bring in their panel of so-called experts. These folks give opinions, or editorialize, or just shout each other down or just shoot-the-shit. Opinions are NOT news.
—4) Product Placement. This did not occur in the hour below, but it is not an infrequent event. Fox’s Bill O’Really is especially guilty of this … shamelessly hawking his own books at every opportunity. Product placement is when a movie star is brought in to “discuss” their upcoming movie … almost mandatory if it’s a Neegrow based movie such as, “12 Years A Slave”, “The Butler”, any movie about Nelson Mandela, etc. It occurs on holidays such as Easter and Christmas which often feature entire segments on new-shit-you-gotta-buy. Any new iPhone is guaranteed a prime time spot …. they will even, gasp, show people waiting in line (!!!) … a tremendous benefit for those of us who have never had the experience of waiting in a line. And so on.
—5) Pure Fluff Crap. On Monday, for example, CNN did a story about a bear cub that someone put in their car and transported 800 miles to another location. Or crap about what the Queen of England is wearing. Or, stories about Obama’s dog, Obama’s golf trip, Obama’s adorable daughters, ad nauseam (Latin for ‘until you fuckin’ puke’). Cute stories, dumb stories but, never really news …. the kind of garbage that belongs in tabloids.
OK, let’s take a look at CNN’s prime time beauty queen. Note: quotes are not verbatim, but accurate in their representation.
——————————————- –
7:00PM: ERIN BURNETT OUTFRONT
7:00: Coming up .. why did officials wait to do anything about the missing jet …. videos about a sinkhole in Baltimore, “unbelievable!!”, Donald Sterling’s many other women
7:02: No one noticed the jet was off radar for 17 minutes … Erin waving around a report at the camera … a report that shows all the names of the passengers … “that’s why we’ve been reporting on this the past six weeks .. these are human beings!!” … report also shows communication logs, and cargo manifest. Erin does her best job to put on a sad and concerned face as she somberly asks, “Did anyone really have to die?”.
[Side Note #1: Cable News teleprompter readers ALWAYS inject obvious commentary at the end of every “report”. If 6,000 people die in a California mudslide, the reporter will conclude the segment with “how tragic and sad”. Well, “DUH!”, you fukwit! It’s annoying as hell and as insincere as Donald Sterling complimenting a Neegrow. It is most amusing watching the reporters’ facial expressions depending on the story; sad, angry, happy, outraged, quizzical …. all literally within seconds, all day long. I guess this shows their ‘humanity’. They should award a Phony-Face Emmy for this.]
[Side Note #2: Speaking of annoying and insincere …. maybe it’s just me but, the anchors “thanking” their reporters each and every time is really, really pissing me off. Suppose you have an employee named ‘Jim’ who has the boring and repetitive job of being an accountant. Would you say; “Jim, thanks for debiting the Schwantzlicker account. Jim, thanks for crediting the Scheisse account. Jim, thanks for reversing the charges on Mr. Blowme’s account. Jim, thanks for checking the credit on the new Yankmehoff account.” No, you wouldn’t. Why? Because Jim is just doing his fucking job. Then again, being a CNN “reporter” really isn’t a job, is it?]
Time for the experts. Richard Quest — the British guy with a heavy Brit accent, who yells when he talks, like he’s trying to sell some Sham Wow – talks about the missing 13 minutes between the last contact with Malaysia and when Vietnam reported it was off their radar, “Why!!” he screams, indicating some kind of mysterious possible conspiracy, then draws all kinds of shit on a wall chart that’s almost impossible to follow. Is joined by three other “experts” (cable news experts = guys who can’t get jobs anywhere else.) It is revealed the airplane was transporting mangoes. Fascinating. Also in the cargo bay are 5,400 pounds of lithium batteries … one guy says in the USA the maximum is 500 pounds due to various hazards …. Sham Wow guy says that’s “HUGE!!” news and maybe there was a fire … other guys shout him down.
Segment ends with teaser about Donald Sterling’s mistresses … plural! Juicy titillating shit. Stay right here.
7:15 COMMERCIALS. Kayak / Jos A Bank / Miracle Grow / Cialis / Holton Garden / Tempurpedic / CNN Special Report / Anthony Bourdain
7:20 Announcement. The Bluefin will be going down for another search for the missing airplane … “we’ll let you know when it happens” (at least 274 times).
7:21 Discussion about what the officials on the ground might have been doing during the 13 minute gap (speculation, not news) …. Coming up, Sterling’s other mistresses, flooding in Florida
7:23 COMMERCIALS. Behr / MS Windows / Hilton / Smirconish / Go Carts / CNN
7:26 Heavy rains in Florida … annoying streaming banner at the bottom of the screen “2 trillion gallons of rain falls in Florida”. Fascinating statistic. CNN has a reporter on the spot. Camera shows panoramic scenes of flooding. “Turrrible!”. Reporter finds a man whose house was basically destroyed and these are her inane questions, verbatim … standing in a water-logged mud-filled living room this mental giant asks “How difficult is it for you to be standing in your living room.” … and, “How did you know something was wrong?” … and “You must have been terrified” (no shit, Sherlock). Camera pans to the homeowner’s garage, and it shows tools hanging from the walls, and they are dry. The Creature From Hell says, and I kid you not – “Maybe it’s not so bad really”. I was hoping the home owner would drown the vacuous bimbo … it would have counted as a justifiable homicide.
7:28 Coming up, story about 200 Nigerian girls kidnapped and being sold into slavery
7:29 COMMERCIALS.Tylenol / Go To Meeting / Lifelock / Best Western / Christian Mingle / Sleep Number Bed / Varilux / Morgan Sperlock / Broadway Play, Of Mice and Men / Lee’s Toyota / Broadway Play, Of Mice and Men / Wolf Blitzer
7:33 Breaking News (No, not really you lying sacks o’ shit.) Discussing the process for getting Sterling out of the NBA. Quickly transitions to Sterling’s other affairs. Bring in the experts. Two women compare the mistresses …. they discuss what Sterling meant by saying skank ho gave the “best sex” … then they compare mistresses to Sterling’s wife . Guy expert, Steve Adubato, pronounces that Michelle Sterling also has a “tarnished reputation”, and that both are “mean and vindictive” and they “gotta go”. Upcoming: Who will buy the Clippers, Nigerian slavery.
7:41 COMMERCIALS. Phillips / Ortho / Marriott / Quicken Loans ‘engineered to fuck you over’ / Smith & Nephew / Prilosec / Our Time dating / Myrbetriq / Anderson Cooper.
7:45 Coming up. Anderson Cooper talks about what’s coming up on his show … poor care at the Veterans Hospitals.
7:46 Once again, Not Really Breaking News; NBA owners will try to oust Sterling. Oprah the whale from Chicago, Oracle’s Larry Ellison, and Magic Johnson are mentioned as possible buyers. Bring in the experts. Oscar De LaHoya says “Clippers worth $575 million, Stirling is litigious so he will fight!”. Lebron James says “get him out”. Panel of three men “debate” on who is a serious buyer. Erin pipes in and say “NBA sales don’t happen very often.” … a top notch commentary proving she is worth millions of dollahs per year. Ends with speculation that a bidding war could push the price to $1 billion.
7:52 200+ girls abducted in Nigeria … some being sold for as little as $12. This is just “terrible”. Sad faces. “People are upset.” For more information go to Twitter. Coming up; why chivalry isn’t dead.
[WHAT THE FUCK NOTE!!! Do you see what’s happening here? They gave “coming up” teasers at the beginning of the show and various points throughout. This is an actual news story. Then when it finally arrives …. you get two fucking minutes. The skank ho story is much more important. You want more info? Go online fuckers, we don’t really give a shit.]
7:54 COMMERCIALS. Alka Selzer / / Wells Fargo / Match.com / Microsoft Cloud / Best Western / Creditcards.com / Anthony Bourdain / Mayflower vs. Maidana / Movie: Grudge Match / Jake Tapper
7:58 Video that has gone viral on youtube …. about a man who acts as a human bench for an 80 year old lady on an elevator. They show a quick video of Bruno the gay Austrian (Borat) where he “interviews” Paula Abdul and she has to sit on some Mexican dude. It’s quite funny, actually. It’s also a fact that Paula Abdul did NOT know this was a prank, and she actually and willingly sat on a Human Being, a Mexican, denigrated to being a piece of furniture. Isn’t she a wonderful person?
WHAT THE ERIN BURNETT SHOW IS ALL ABOUT:
There are 20 minutes of Commercials — 33% of available time. Opinion, general bullshit, announcements and fluff-filler-stories make up most of the rest of the hour. I estimate that THERE WAS ONLY ABOUT 9 MINUTES OF ACTUAL NEWS, and I’m being generous. Even then, almost ALL the news was Old News … crap they’ve been spewing for the previous several weeks. It would take you less than 5 minutes to go online to get ALL actual CNN news for that hour.
8:00 The End. (But, don’t cry. In the next hour Anderson Cooper will basically bring you the same exact shit all over again. Thanks for watching!)
——————————————- –
ABOUT THOSE COMMERCIALS
444 commercials!!! And not once are they ever called “commercials”. Euphemisms are preferred. A commercial isn’t a commercial. It’s a “message”, or a “word”, or simply “after this”, or a “break” … and the breaks are ALWAYS “quick”. Webster needs to add a new word to the dictionary, “quickbreak”, not to be confused with “quickshit”, which would be more accurate. The announcement of “a break” is often followed by the command “Stay right there.” Make no mistake about it, it IS a command. Experts who study such stuff have long ago discovered that a certain statistically significant segment of the population will actually not turn the channel when commanded not to do so. I am amazed by this, and you should be also. Of course, I combat this command with my own command, “Go fuck yourself!”, right before I change the channel.
The only time I actually watch and pay attention to commercials is during the Super Bowl. They say these commercials are The Best Of The Best because it can cost a company most of their annual profits for a 30-second spot. Well, they lie. The commercials still suck the warts off my testicles. People think they’re great because they’re drunk or are mesmerized looking for a rogue nipple.
No one I have ever known actually watches commercials, especially with the advent of DVRs. They switch channels. They make a sandwich. Get a beer. Take a piss. Get some nookie. But, they never ever watch a commercial. No one ever says, “Oh, look, Martha! Let’s watch this fat blob talk about a 60” flat-screen she bought for $1.99 on deal-dash dot com!!”. Go bid on a two dollar liposuction, you fat slob.
Why does Northrop Grumman make commercials? Is there some guy in Kentucky in the market for, you know, an F-16?
Breakdown by category …. (this tells you something about the USofA).
- PHARMA / MEDICAL ———–(39 advertisers …….. 74 commercials)
- SERVICES ———————–(21 advertisers …….. 60 commercials)
- FINANCIAL ———————(20 advertisers …….. 47 commercials)
- CNN —————————–(8 shows ………………. 44 commercials)
- TECHNOLOGY ——————(14 advertisers …..… 39 commercials)
- MISCELLANEOUS ————–(10 advertisers ……… 32 commercials)
- ENERGY———————— (7 advertisers ………… 26 commercials)
- HOTELS ————————(10 advertisers ………. 25 commercials)
- HOME / IMPROVEMENT —— (13 advertisers ………. 25 commercials)
- AUTO ————————– (9 advertisers ……..….. 23 commercials)
- SPORTS / ENTERTAINMENT –(11 advertisers …….…. 21 commercials)
- FOOD (human and animal) ——(5 advertisers …………. 14 commercials)
- RESTAURANTS —————-(3 advertisers …………. 10 commercials)
Following are the Top Sponsors …. Minimum of 5 spots each.
Jos. A. Banks (14) ….. Parts Unknown (14) …… Century Link (11) ….. Angies List (10) ….. Inside Man (10) ….. Invent Help (10) ….. NYSE (7) ….. ready.gov/alerts (7) ….. energysaver.gov (6) ….. energytomorrow.org (6) ….. Humira (6) ….. Marriott (6) ….. Norfolk Southern (6) ….. St. Joseph Aspirin (6) ….. Witnessed (6) ….. AT&T (5) ….. Behr (5) …… chooseenergy.org (5) ….. Erin Burnett (5) ….. everyoneon.org (5) ….. Lexus (5) ….. Liberty Mutual (5) ….. Maxwell House (5) ….. Microsoft Cloud (5) ….. oilrigged.com (5) ….. Ruby Tuesday (5) ….. The 60’s (5)
Following is an alphabetical list of Dumfuk Sponsors. The number of times they aired their putrid crap is in parenthesis. No number means it aired just once.
AAG Reverse Mortgage …… AFLAC …… Air Optix …… Aleve (4) …… Alka Selzer (3) …… American Ballet Theater (4) …… American Natural Gas …… Angies List (10) …… AT&T (5) …… Atlantis (2) …… Autovantage …… Axiron (2) …… Barclays …… Bayer …… Beaches.com …… Behr (5) …… Best Western (4) …… Biotene …… Breath Right …… Broadway Show: “Of Mice And Men” (4) …… Cadillac (4) …… Cancer Treatment Of America …… Carbonite …… CBS News (2) …… Celebrex …… Century Link (11) …… Chantix …… Charles Schwab (2) …… Chase (2) …… chooseenergy.org (5) …… Christian Mingle (2) …… Cisco …… Clear Choice Dental …… CNN (2) …… Comfort Inn …… Credit Karma (3) …… David Pankin Law Offices …… Depends Diapers …… Discover (2) …… Disney Family Movies …… Duluth Trading …… eHarmony …… Eliquis …… Energy.org …… energysaver.gov (6) …… energytomorrow.org (6) …… Ensure (2) …… Erin Burnett (5) …… everyoneon.org (5) …… Expedia …… Experian …… Fannie Mae /Freddie Mac (2) …… flowers.com (2) …… Friskies (2) …… Geico (4) …… Glucerna (3) …… gotomeeting.com …… Hard On (Cialis) (2) …… HBO …… Hilton (4) …… Hilton Head (2) …… Honda Lawnmowers …… hotels.com (2) …… Humira (6) …… ibew.org …… Ihop (2) …… iLuminate (2) …… Infiniti …… Inside Man (10) …… Inside MMA …… Invent Help (10) …… Invisible Man …… iPhone (2) …… Jos. A. Banks (14) …… Kayak (2) …… Keeper …… Lactaid …… LaQuinta (2) …… Laser Spine Institute (3) …… Lee’s Toyota (2) …… Legal Zoom …… Lennox(3) …… Lexus (5) …… Liberty Mutual (5) …… Lifelock …… Lifestyle Lift(3) …… Lincoln (GM) …… Linzess (2) …… Lumber Liquidators (3) …… Lyrica …… Magic Jack …… Marriott (6) …… massageenvy.com …… match.com (3) …… Maurice Dubois …… Maxwell House (5) …… Mayweather vs Maidana (3) …… Med Care (3) …… Medical Alert …… Microsoft Cloud (5) …… Microsoft Windows (2) …… Miracle Grow …… Movie: “Million Dollar Arm” (2) …… Mybetriq (Bladder Drug) …… Mybobs …… Nasacort …… Nationwide (3) …… NBA Playoffs …… Neutragena (2) …… Newtek (4) …… Norfolk Southern (6) …… northeastgas.org (2) …… Northern Trust (3) …… Northrup Gruman (2) …… Nutrisystem (3) …… NYSE (7) …… Ocuvite (2) …… oilrigged.com (5) …… Olive Garden (3) …… Ortho …… Our Time (2) …… Parts Unknown (14) …… Philips (4) …… Phillips Milk Of Magnesia …… Polident …… Polygrip …… poweredbyasmile.org …… Prevacid (3) …… Priceline …… Prilosec …… Purina (2) …… Quicken Loans (3) …… Rado (2) …… ready.gov/alerts (7) …… Rosetta Stone …… Ruby Tuesday (5) …… Samsung Galaxy (2) …… Sandals.com …… Scotts Turf Builder (2) …… Select Quote …… Servicemaster (2) …… Servpro …… shinglesinfo.com (3) …… Showtime …… Sleepys (3) …… Smith & Nephew …… Spencer Savings Bank …… St. Joseph Aspirin (6) …… STARZ …… stopirsdebt.com …… Subaru (3) …… The 60’s (5) …… The Square Yard …… thinkaboutit.com (3) …… Tracphone (2) …… Travelocity …… Trinet …… Truecar (4) …… Univ. Of Phoenix …… UPS …… US Mail …… Varilux (2) …… Victoza …… Vistaprint (4) …… Volunteers Of America (3) …… Weather Tech (2) …… Wells Fargo (2) …… Witnessed (6) …… Xeljanz …… Zillow (2)
ABOUT THOSE 4 MAIN STORIES
The 4 main stories, taking up almost 90% of total programming space, reveal much about that evil news station.
The Tornado (34 times). Nothing better illustrates CNN’s obsession with repetition and minutiae. Here is the real story; there were some big tornados in the Midwest, causing widespread damage, resulting in several deaths. Takes 5 minutes to read about on the weather.com website. Everything beyond that reflects their obsession of Beating The Horse To Death via repetition and sensationalism (finding victims and exploiting their heartache). Yes, they would update their live satellite weather pictures (a task much better suited to weather.com) from time to time but, by 1PM they pretty much shot their wad, showing the same exact videos over and over and over …. but around 8PM they did find some more heart-broken people to zoom in on their tear-soaked faces, in addition to the now-required testimony of at least one Spiritual Person thanking Jeebus for saving their lives (too fuckin’ bad about the 20 or so Jeebus couldn’t save).
The LA Clippers (24 times). Nothing better illustrates that CNN is basically an Opinion Station … and a one-sided one at that. Here is the real story; some amoral rich Joo guy can’t keep his Schwantz in his pants, boinks a mulatto skank ho, and in a private conversation he tells her she can swallow baby-batter from as many Neegrows as she wants but, not to make a public spectacle of it. Both people are utterly disgusting on many levels but, that’s the entire story. Takes 5 minutes to read on gold_digger_skank_ho.com Instead, CNN for the next 7 days (still doing so as of this writing, 10+ days after the event) brings in about 40+ various “experts”, most of them African (heh heh) Americuns, all giving the SAME OPINIONS, that da Joo gotta go. Not one alternative view. Pure and unadulterated tabloid bullshit “journalism”.
Malaysian Airline (10 times). Nothing better illustrates that CNN truly stands for Certainly Not News. They are Speculation Newz, nonstop. Here is the real story; an airplane with 200+ people went missing, and we don’t know where it is. That’s it!!! The “story” on this particular day focused on the Bluefin (what it does, how it does it, why it does it, what it eats for diner, how many times it takes a shit, etc.), and that the search-area will be expanded. That’s it, 10 times.
Ukraine Sanctions (9 times); Nothing better illustrates that CNN is truly nothing more than a mouthpiece for the government. Here is the real Ukraine story on this day; Nothing President Oreo is doing seems to be having any effect, so Oreo is going to increase sanctions. That’s it … a 2 minute read on the internet. Candy ‘Pig Face” Crowley “interviewed” two warmongers, one calling for even harsher sanctions and even military aid to bring Putin to his knees. The other asshole channeled his Inner-Kerry by making the most asinine comment I heard all night long, that “Putin doesn’t want a stable democracy on his border”. Fuckmedead. CNN then did a story showing rich Russians buying up American real estate …. and portrayed these people in a very bad light. Sperm-bag Erin then looked into the camera and hauntingly asked “Why don’t we target Putin?”. There’s your CNN non-partisanship … a bigger whore hasn’t been seen since Monica Lewinsky. There has not been one single alternate story to the ‘Russia-is-at-fault’ theme since the crisis started. Not one, as they are all Obama-nut-sack lickers.
Speaking of that half-black piece of garbage, regarding the 200+ folks that were murdered in the Odessa government building burning, Obama said, paraphrasing, “the Ukrainian government has a right to do whatever necessary to restore order”. Sanctioning murder. There’s YOUR future, true American Patriots. Should the time come when you finally resist the evil fuckers running this circus, you will be shot. And CNN will dutifully report “President Obama is doing a good job restoring order!”
[Side Bar: On Fux Newz, Mike Fuckabee is positively enthralled with junta interim President Olegsandr Turchynov, an actual Fascist, because Olegsandr is a Baptist Minister. Even Franklin Graham has a spiritual hard-on for Olegsandr, recently saying, — “Oleksandr Turchynov was chosen as interim president because, in a nation plagued by corruption and self-serving politicians, he stood out as a man of conviction and principle with a reputation for integrity. He is a man of godly character and a committed follower of Jesus Christ.”] Sinclair Lewis said it perfectly;
WHAT REAL NEWS LOOKS LIKE ….. some things going on in America.
Last Sunday 80,000 people from 32 states marched against policies being carried out by North Carolina. Home ownership is at a 19 year low. Retailers are closing stores at the fastest pace since the collapse of Lehman Brothers. 20% of all families do not have a single member that is employed. There are 1.5 million fewer jobs today than 7 years ago. Nine of the top ten occupations in the U.S. pay an average wage of less than $35,000 a year. Almost half of all new jobs under Obama’s reign of terror are part time, minimum wage, low wage, and benefit free. Service jobs are the new America. Adjusting for inflation, most full time jobs pay less than they did 40 years ago. 65% of all Americans make less than $20 / hr. Americans getting Frree Shit from the government actually outnumber full-time workers in the private sector …. by more than 60 million. 40% of Americans at this moment could not come up with $2,000 for emergency needs. Big Banks, Big Auto, and Big Biz that go bankrupt are never allowed to fail. Public debt and creating money from thin air keep TBTF monsters alive. Stratospheric stock and bond prices are the result of massive liquidity poured into financial markets via QE. Income and wealth inequality is exploding at light speed. Veterans are killing themselves at alarming rates … while VA hospitals kill them with neglect. The US economy, a fantasy shakier than a house of cards is based on market rigging, price manipulation, speculative control of commodities, manipulated official statistics, endless propaganda, and a currency wholly supported by puppet-states and petrodollars protected by humanity’s largest ever military machine. The lunatic instability of John Kerry. And, oh, on the other side of the world? The USA continues with actual acts of war known as “sanctions”, Russia continues to reinforce and amass troops along the Ukrainian border, and just released satellite images show Ukraine Nazis now have 15,000 troops and hundreds of tanks and APC’s around the Donetsk region city of Slavyansk, …. and the next shot heard around the world could ignite World War III as the USA plays Poke-The-Bear with Russia. That’s a partial list that barely scratches the surface regarding REAL news.
NONE of these events, or any other major events, were news worthy on April 28, 2014 (or pretty much any other time). Instead, CNN whores regaled us with stories about a rich old fool and his skank ho mistress, a six week old story (with zero new relevant info) about a missing plane, the demonizing of Russia, and fantasies about a recovered economy. Nonstop pabulum for the masses to keep them distracted from What Really Matters. Most sadly, the masses enjoy it. (CNN ratings have actually increased during the virtual non-stop, six week, no information, Malaysian airline story.)
At some point these brain-dead Amerikans must ask themselves why the government and their whore media lackeys lie every time their lips move. If you are one who relies on MSM, or believes this president, his press secretary , or any of his legion of sycophants, then you are a complete and total idiot.
THE SAD STATE OF CNN
CNN Motto; God Bless Government.
The CNN Formula; —- blatant partisanship + shrill ideologically governed anchors + misleading and inaccurate reporting + avoiding real stories + uninformed speculation + fantastical ruminations + endless mind-numbing commercials + a pinch of real news = DISMAL ratings.
Actually, I wonder why I’m making such a fuss about this. According to stateofthemedia (link below) —- “Across the entire day, median viewership [all 3 major news networks combined] increased just 1% to 1.9 million, and mean viewership, 4%, to 2 million.” For the math challenged, that’s less than 1% of the USA population. Anderson Cooper’s rating have been as low as 300,000 viewers. Turns out very few folks are actually watching this shit. Maybe there is hope for American Sheeple. Ratings are so dismal that CNN recently announced drastic changes to its format to include more reality programming, documentaries, and other non-news offerings …. to which I wonder, How In The Fuck Is That Even Possible?
http://stateofthemedia.org/2013/cable-a-growing-medium-reaching-its-ceiling/cable-by-the-numbers/
The ONLY thing CNN is good for.
CNN—ENEMY OF REAL AMERICANS
“The basis of our governments being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. ” ———— –Thomas Jefferson
“Our liberty cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it.” ———— –Thomas Jefferson
It seems that one of the two major functions of CNN and their two whore brethren is to keep the American people cowering in a constant state of fear. (Their other main function is to forever fertilize us with bullshit on how great the economy is. USA! Number One!!). Terrorists are lurking, well ………….. everywhere. Some put bombs in their shoes. Some, like MacGyver, can blow up an airplane with a 2oz bottle of shampoo. Entire countries are terroristic; Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Syria, and now Russia. Hundreds of thousands of people are on some “No Fly” list. Five year old boys and 80 year old men on dialysis are obviously possible terrorists, otherwise the TSA wouldn’t make it their priority to feel their testicles. The FBI has a 10 page profile list of possible Amurikan terroristas …. you know, such people who are pro-NRA or, worse, grow organic foods.
The Inconvenient Truth, however, is that you are far more likely to have some deer tick crawling up your hoo-hoo with you dying from Lyme Disease than some imaginary terrorist. Ignorance is probably the greatest threat to our nation.
We’ve become a nation of ignoramuses where more than half the population still believes Iraq had nuclear weapons … while more than half of Americans can’t even find Iraq on a map. But, hey, We’re Number One! Our citizens believe true patriotism is singing the national anthem at a ball game, or throwing a big barbecue on July 4th, or wearing a flag lapel-pin … a real favorite often displayed by Fux Newz neocons.
There is a “hard” part to democracy (let’s not muddy the waters by comparing ‘democracy’ to a ‘republic’); reading the Constitution, understanding it, living it, defending it, willing to die for it, understanding that our loyalty is never to “the government”, per se, but to the Constitution’s principles, and when those who govern violate those principles, well, they gotta go, one way or another, to realize that silence in the face of evil may be worse than the evil itself, that Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit Of Happiness does not mean sitting on your fucking ass watching Honey Boo-Boo or the other 300+ inane bullshit programs on teevee. Knowledge is a narrow and hard road, ignorance is a wide and easy one, and that’s why so many Americans opt for the latter, much to our demise. Yet, even all those obstacles might be overcome if MSM (cable news and newspapers) would simply tell the truth.
Sadly, probably not one in a hundred people understand Thomas Jefferson’s quotes above …. that without a free ….. and, might I add, HONEST … press, we have no democracy.
The Constitution today is being figuratively shredded, and literally ignored. It offers no protection against the evils of this government because the Constitution is only as effective as those who abide by it. And exactly how is that working out in Amerika? George Bush said the Constitution is “just a goddamned piece of paper”. Obama wipes his ass with it. Our congressmen in Prostitution Hall have completely sold out to special interests and money. The Courts are no longer willing to uphold the Constitution’s provisions, preferring instead to make laws, rather than interpret them. And American citizen-jackasses partake in the Courts fucking us over …. for what other explanation is there where Federal Prosecutors win 95% of cases they prosecute? No other aspect of government is that efficient.
Just this week Cecily McMillan, who took part in an Occupy Wall Street protest, when a copfuk grabbed her breast, and she inadvertently elbowed the copfuk in the face as a result, was convicted by a jury for ‘assault’ based entirely on a grainy incomplete 52 second video, while the same jury completely ignored photographs of bruises caused by the copfuk, and being unmoved by sworn testimony that McMillan was seen convulsing on the pavement. Well, this young woman was sentenced by a copfuk-loving piece of shit judge (Judge Ronald Zweibel) to a SEVEN year prison term. Meanwhile, Banker thieves continue to walk free and prosper. Welcome to Injustice Inc., the newest thriving business of Amerika. You might very well be the next customer. Our three branches of government – federal, state, and local — have completely failed ‘we the people’.
Where does CNN fit into this scenario? I quote E.P. Thompson, a British historian;
“The foulest damage to our political life comes not from the ‘secrets’ which they hide from us, but from the little bits of half-truth and disinformation which they do tell us. These are already pre-digested, and then are vomited up as little gobbits of authorized spew. “
A free and honest press is our last line of defense against complete tyranny. We need journalists to report the news and tell the truth. We do not need “flag waving patriots” who support the government at every turn, run only the stories their corporate owners approve of, parrot government statistics as if it was Gospel Truth, and generally fuck us in the ass against our will, while telling us to enjoy the experience.
Democracy is dying in Amerika — now often referred to as the Nazi sounding ‘The Homeland’ — being slowly strangled by the three branches of government. All the outward forms, structures, and platitudes – “They hate us for our freedoms” – is pure nonsense without a free and honest press. Are we really “citizens”, or are we fast becoming “subjects”? CNN (and the other two Great Whores) have the opportunity to help save democracy. Instead, all day and every day of the year they feed us state sponsored propaganda masquerading as news. Those sons’o’bitches are the real terrorists, traitors, enemy of the people, and the day is coming, I pray, when they will be swinging from the gallows at the hands of The Homeland’s citizens.
I close with this remarkable and 100% accurate quote from CNN co-founder, Reese Schonfeld;
“I think CNN is at risk of becoming a bad joke. Late night comics and cartoonists are already using them as a gag line. Newspapers are asking experts how to save them. It’s time for a major change, before moving from joke to tired joke.”
Hey Reese, …. too late!
THE END.
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Addendum #1: In case you haven’t noticed, in no way, shape, or form is my criticism of CNN an endorsement of the other two major cable news networks. They have just as many commercials, loathsome announcers, and axes to grind while providing about 8 minutes of actual (but mostly recycled) news per hour. FOX NEWS war-whores have never seen a war they don’t absolutely love. Just today one of Fox’s Blond-Bimbo-In-Search-Of-A-Brain was all up in arms that Rutgers University scared Condosleezy Rice from speaking at their commencement … “Don’t these liberals realize what great things this BLACK WOMAN has done for America???!!!”, she panted while seemingly achieving an on-air orgasm. Everyone with half a brain knows Fux News have their tongues far up Republican anuses. MS-NBC has never seen a Free Shit Government Program they don’t love. I’ve never seen a full show, ever, but everyone with half a brain knows that MS-NBC and Obama’s Anus are fused together. CNN, FOX, MS-NBC; the best news government, Big Business, and money can buy. May they all burn and rot in hell forever.
Addendum #2: To any CNN drones reading this. I will be glad to appear on your Entertainment Show and say all this to your face.
Addendum #3: Feel free to copy, paste, and/or modify the contents herein. However, you MUST; 1) attribute authorship to ‘Stucky The Magnificent’ and, 2) provide the link to this article. If you fail to do both I will hunt you down and either sue you, or punch you in the brain, or both.
Addendum #4: Fuck CNN.
Lol, this is what Stucky does when TBP is down. Great summary. I think this is why old people watch t.v. with their hearing aid off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jidziKYG9jk
I’m just glad it wasn’t I who had to watch that much television ‘news’. I can’t take it more than a few minutes, especially when they bring out the ‘experts’.
Hey, Steph, we all had to find alternate forms of entertainment while the site was down. Stucky watched CNN for twelve hours on Monday, I watched twelve hours of filthy porn on that very same day. There will not be an article describing my findings, however.
Wonderfully done Stuck, I don’t know how you weren’t bleeding from a self-inflicted head wound.
My hub gets all his “news” from MSM, but no worries he reads Business Week, as well as “balancing” the info by watching BOTH Msnbc and Faux and CNN.
I quickly find something else to do else he gets super pissed at my commentary. Sigh.
Thanks Stuck
Punk – You mean it took you 12 hours to find it? How small is it that it takes you 12 hours?
Stucky The Magnificent – Thanks for donating all those hours of your life that you’ll never get back in order to do ACTUAL JOURNALISM.
Damn Stuck, that was a lot of work. Well done.
Thanks all. Yeah, it was a lot of work. But it was interesting and I learned a thing or two … hope you all did also ….. as the title says, CuNNt Newz is waaay worse than I imagined.
Be back tomorrow. Think I ate some bad food …. got a huge stomach ache, and I’m retiring for the evening.
Amazing Stuck. I guess you were a little bored without TBP, but still amazing. It’s all about the money and the corporatocracy. What a bunch of clown hypocrites calling themselves a news station. They don’t seem to realize there are people watching what they do, and reporting the truth rather than the garbage on CNN. I don’t know anybody who even watches the news anymore, I quit years ago, because it’s 99% bullshit; all slanted crap, all agendized horseshit. Anybody dumb enough to watch or fall for it deserves what they get, because they can’t think for themselves in the first place, or they wouldn’t watch. Well done exposing the truth. Your analysis should be on ZH and many other blogs and sites, hopefully somebody else will get it posted. Sorry to hear about your bellyache.
Thanks Stucky,
Fantastic analysis. I am sitting at LAX waiting to get back on the plane to New Zealand and literally seeing the criss cross patterns of interesting jet exhaust trails build in the heavily laden atmosphere. Was in Orlando earlier today and was thinking Florida’s air was relatively pure (and it is) but today the trail activity started big time and before I took off from Orlando it was thick and heavy.
Wow, I’m sorry you had to undergo that awful experience. I have something similar at work. The people I work with, some of whom are rather smart, well-educated people, can not get enough of TV news. One twit turns on Good Morning, America, or something like it, and keeps it on in the office all morning until the soaps start. In another office I work in, another meathead walks in and promptly turns on CNN and leaves it on all day, while ignoring it much of the time and occasionally talking to himself (he’s kind of lonely, so he talks to himself, hoping someone happening by will return the comment, not realizing they weren’t part of the original conversation. It’s all very pathetic, but you wouldn’t want to actually talk to him-he’s a complete moron.).
I used to know a girl who wrote the NBC national evening affiliate news-that canned news they read before the national evening news goes on. To be blunt, she told me nobody at NBC had any illusions that what they did was news-it was entertainment through-and-through. They wanted ratings, so they tried to appeal to everyone. 1 story for old people, 1 for families, 1 for science, 1-2 foreign affairs, 1 consumer report, 1 home town story, etc, and wrap-up with the weather, which is what most people want to know. The only reason TV stations have news is to satisfy ancient US Govt regulations on TV stations being socially responsible, or something to that effect.
Anyway, this morning I thumbed a ride to the office with a stranger. He was black, which wasn’t a deal breaker, and driving a Lexus, which also wasn’t a deal breaker. The entire trip he was constantly flicking from one black radio station to another. I was ready to accept whatever my ride provider was going to play, had he stuck with it, but the constant changing for a few moments on one station before hopping to the next was maddening.
And the conversations I heard on these stations were astonishing. I learned a few things.
First, I don’t know what black people did to the English language in recent years, but I found it almost impossible to follow. It wasn’t like a different accent, or regional dialect, but a totally different language. Some of the speakers were absolutely incomprehensible. These were mainstream black stations, like Magic99 FM, not some tiny little AM religious station where the hosts are ministers who just scream and play gospel. Even some of the music was impossible to understand. One song that I had a hard time trying to decipher at first was by R. Kelley, who I remember hearing has a penchant for micturating on women. Radio is a medium that requires clear, concise, easy-to-understand communication, so this stuff must make sense to at least a few of their listeners.
Second, it’s funny to see the advertisers who are on the “white,” or other English-speaking stations, advertising on black stations and how some of them try to make their stuff somehow fit in with a culture that just doesn’t seem to follow the mainstream commercials.
Third, it’s funny to hear how they approach politics. Monica Lewinski was big news on the black stations this morning. Really big news, especially her correcting Rihanna for using her name as a verb for ejaculation instead of Bill Clinton’s. One station had a token gay black guy, or I assume he was the token gay black guy. I guess he was supposed to be flamboyant, but it just sounded peculiar. He was prattling about Queen Latifa and her amazing acting ability.
Fourth, the content seemed insanely stupid. I don’t listen to pop music much, anyway, so it’s not like I’m claiming any other mainstream station is smarter, but WOWSERS! I wonder how many people actually listen to this stuff? I’ve been an AM listener for many years and I just didn’t realize how damn stupid the competition sounded!
Fifth, thinking about it, I realize the growing gap between the educated and uneducated people in this nation I’ve occasionally mused about has already arrived. The things I heard today, I can’t unhear. I sure wish I could! I’m struck by the image of a train running down the tracks with some of the cars uncoupled and rolling at speed, but starting to fall farther and farther back from the train as they decelerate. Those cars are still moving, but everyone else is pulling ahead and I think they’re not going to look back.
Thanks for all that effort Stucky! Unfortunately it was wasted on me as the only thing more infuriating than watching MSM is reading about MSM. Just scrolling through it I thought you and flash had collaborated on a post!
That was a great piece, I really enjoyed reading it even though I am sorry you had to sit through all that crap in order to write it.
I don’t watch TV anymore but my memory of it from childhood was a 30 minute show with 3-4 commercial breaks, each a couple of minute long. It was even referred to as “commercial TV” if IIRC. The cable came out. Everyone used to complain about it at first because TV was “free”, why would anyone pay for cable? The answer was always “because its commercial free”.
This past Winter I spent a couple of days in the hospital and the guy in the bed next to me kept the cable TV on 24/7. I noticed that the amount of commercial time had increased dramatically- maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of any given program was devoted to commercials broke dick pills or cat food made from freshly harvested haircot vert and wild caught Alaskan steelheads. The guy next to me controlled the remote and whenever a commercial would come on he would leave whatever fascinating channel he had been watching in order to find a scrap of an actual program on some other channel. It didn’t take me long to figure out that all the other channels- A&E, Discovery, NatGeo, HGTV, Food Network, etc, etc, had all synched up their commercial times so that no one could actually escape the pitchmen and their entreaties to barren cat ladies and old White guys with broken penises. It can’t be coincidence because each program is different and has different places where breaks could be inserted, the odds of all of them being on the exact same schedule are infinitesimal, so either there is a dictate from above to all get on the same sheet of music (FCC?) or they are all interconnected (same owner?)
Oh and I know you probably know this already, but I thought this was relevant to CNN-
http://www.carlbernstein.com/magazine_cia_and_media.php
Stuck, outstanding work pointing out out the blase’ that passes for network news.How your brain didn’t turn to mush via viewing CNN that long reamins a mystery to me?….and BTW, thanks for reminding me why I no longer subcribe to any have TVs service.
kudos
I doubt it was food that turned your stomach Stuck. How could you, why would you do that to yourself?
Documenting this in such detail HAD to be done, because maybe it will wake some assholes up.
But if you want to understand why all of this has spiraled down – just READ “Amusing Ourselves to Death” by Neil Postman. Just 160 easy to read pages, and you’ll know more about why TV and all this other “sound bite” garbage came to be – and why there are still people that actually believe it.
Seriously – here’s the link to Amazon (A must read).
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egotism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny “failed to take into account man’s almost infinite appetite for distractions.” In 1984, Postman added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we fear will ruin us. Huxley feared that our desire will ruin us.”
Neil Postman
Wow! That was insane. Did you need a therapy session after? Watching tv is mostly entertainment and fantasy, nothing else. It also keeps u up to date on the propaganda of the day.
“Wow! That was insane. Did you need a therapy session after?” —— spinolator
Are you asking that because I decapitated Ms Freud? lol
FORTUNATELY, TBP was down for a week so I broke it out into little chunks, no more than two hours per day …. except for one 4 hour stint where I entered all those commercials into a spread sheet, sorted, counted, grouped, and wrote up the findings.
One nice thing happened. I became so fucking fed up with CNN that I no longer even have it on “in the background”. Never did watch MS-NBC, ever. Fux Newz is still somewhat in the picture because I like Stossel and the judge. Basically, I’m almost free from MSM horseshit.
I know people who have that shit on all day. Try discussing anything with them. Fucking complete retards. And they are very unhappy people.
Our TV is a dust collector. My wife could not even find the remote the other day and I do believe it is still missing.
Stucky,
Well done big guy. Sometimes I get stuck in a doctor’s office with CNN on. It is fucking torture to have to sit there and listen to the propaganda they spew. I really don’t know how you did it for those amount of hours, but “Good Job”.
20+ hours to watch, analyze, and write this article, and after one day it’s almost off the page. Fuckin’ shame, I say. Doesn’t seem worth the effort.
Anyway, it’s May 10th, 11:13AM, and decided for the first time today, wtf, let’s see what’s on CNN …… what a goddamned surprise ………… DONALD STERLING and the LA CLIPPERS!!!!!!!
Fucking stupid goddamned retarded asshole station.
It’s 11:16AM ….. turned off the TV. Fuck CNN.
Stuck
Ask and you shall receive.
Jeebus
Cool. There’s really not much one can say about the topic …. it’s really not controversial or anything ……… we all here already believe CNN sucks donkey dick. I’m just such a whiny pussy, actually.
But you’re our whiny pussy. 🙂
I threw away my TV 16 years ago. The best thing I ever did. It means I never have to view the lame stream propaganda at home.
Even so, my company has wide screen TVs in the break rooms. What’s on? CNN, of course. You’d have thought nothing else in the world was going on other than the search for the Malaysian plane. 24 fucking hours a day for weeks.
Wow Stucky
Great job and confirming all my worst instincts about MSM news. I’ve wished for a long time that someone would do something similar by comparing the ” news” stories from all the alphabet networks because I think they would find an amazing congruity in topics. (Now why would that be???)
I have to diagree with Mr. Thompson, the English historian you quoted (damage comes not for hiding truth, but from letting out distorted bits of it). The list you compiled of all the important current events that are completely ignored by MSM proves otherwise. A monstrous amount of critical information is constantly hidden from the majority of American people whose perception of reality and formation of values is controlled by the likes of CNN. Yes, we are doomed.
The threat the free internet poses to this situation is being addressed, as we have recently experienced on this site. Once that threat is eliminated, it’s truly game over. Cheers.
I HAVE AN ACCENT, MAYBE I SHOULD SHOUT MY OPINIONS.
In a related note, Dave Chappelle described SLJackson’s method (of) acting as shouting.
I really appreciate Gilberts’ reflection on the state of affairs in modern America. Going back to the first idea, I too have to work with the beautiful blonde who has to have the background voices of CNN on as a babysitter for her idle mind.
Perhaps like a fanatical evangelist, the Lexus driver wanted to set Gilberts free with the new truth, bombarding G’s mind with as many samples of the new paradigm as possible in a short trip, ultimately releasing the new convert free to go forth and spread the news; ‘go forth little one and multiply’.
Thank you very much, Herr Stuck, for your efforts. You and Admin have a journalist’s dick a mile long.
The really sad part is listening to the radio. Ever listen to talk radio? These days, the commercials are so thick, it’s like all commercials 24/7 with occasional interruptions for a few minutes of programming. I can’t believe they actually work. How much money do you think they have to invest in advertising per customer just to sell 1 tube of broke dick cream or baldness cure or mesothelioma lawsuits, or whatever? I can’t be the only guy who tunes out commercials, hits the mute button, takes a leak, gets a beer, etc or fast hops to another channel and returns for the show. Not to forget the folks who TiVo and just skip to the next segment.
Someone long ago described McDonald’s as a place where you couldn’t get a good burger but you wouldn’t get a bad burger either. If we compare CNN to Mickey D’s, it is a place to drop in for a quick bite, it is not a place to hang around in. The idea of 24 hour news was discarded long ago, 24 hour music vids didn’t work for MTV either. The airwaves are filled with floating trash and flipping channels like Mr. Lexus is the last desperate measure before shutting the shit off entirely.
We have somehow managed to clutter space, air, land and sea with our detritus.
LMAO!!! Thank you :).
“The really sad part is listening to the radio. Ever listen to talk radio?” —– gilberts
It’s worse than cable news. Ever try listening to it while driving on a long trip? You lose the station after half an hour. And driving through Pennsylvania? Fuhgeddaboutit. You’re lucky to pick up a handful of stations in the moluntains.
I don’t think I’m much of a product pusher, but here I go. We got three months free Sirius Radio when we purchased our car in January. They asked us if we want to sign up … I believe it’s 9 bucks a month. HELL YES!!!!! Best thing since rear-view mirrors. So many cool and interesting choices … I’ve really grown to like French Canadian Country Music … channel 166, I believe. Get Serius!!!
Mile long dick. Yeah, baby.
Stuck – you really need to find a hobby! but thanks!
I had forgotten CNN exists until you brought it up. What do I care what a channel runs seeing as I do not watch it?
A man started standing on a street corner, He spoke of injustice and servitude and mixed in a message of hope, Hope where freedom to be, remained… at first no-one listened, and all passed by, then one day a young one stopped, then two, then three… and asked the man of what he spoke. Slowly they learned that their concept of ‘freedom’ was imagined and they invited others to discuss the issue. The man spoke and there was a multitude surrounding him. They listened until it was clear, the status as they knew it, was tipped against them.
I buy bullets, when and where I can… I buy staples and prepare. However I know, when it all ends these things are meaningless, as the robotic might of seek&destroy will roll over me… much like a vacuum cleaner, cleansing a carpet. Trapped like a rat… I search hither and wither, for an escape.
None exists, As Albert Einstein said, “reality is an illusion, albeit a persistent one”, No my friends… There is only one certainty… above all else, to be welcomed as delivering us from evil.
When I moved from the east coast to central Oregon in 1979 they had cable TV in the small town of Bend. There was a 24-hours news channel called SNN (Satellite Network News). Shortly after in 1979 Nightline started as a “special” broadcast on the status of the Iran hostage crisis that was supposed to be temporary–ha, ha, that “temporary” broadcast lasted the 444 days that the embassy hostages were held, then became by then a permanent newscast. Anyway, I had a night job and got off at 11 p.m. so I used to flip it on and watch that short, big-headed (both physically and ego-wise) host Ted Koppel.
My parents loved to watch the political talking heads (George Will, McLaughlin group, etc.) but it’s so apparent now the devolution into 2 political camps (CNN/MSNBC vs. FOX). I used to watch Hannity but now when I hear him I want to reach out and shake him by the collar and say “don’t you realize you are just furthering the division!”. I do like Megyn Kelly (what a looker!) because she can be funny and seems to be a genuine person. Overall, however, it’s a waste of time, as Stucky has proven…and those commercial breaks get longer every year.
We need a TBP broadcast network! Can you imagine the great debates between Lloph and Jim?
Stucky can write and read editorials, and Stephanie can make and serve the salads.
You mean THIS Megyn Kelly, the one who actually said this?
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damnit
actually said this
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No, this Megyn Kelly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Rt6vqki_eE
But not to worry Stucky, Obama will monitor the media for…actual news!
Not photo-shopped. Actual CNN map showing the location of Ukraine in Pakistan
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Idiocracy Lives as Media Lies Americans Into More War
It is a sign of these sick and bizarre times in which the Obama regime and the state-corporate media continue to peddle their lies that according to a poll conducted by political scientists that “The less Americans know about Ukraine’s location, the more they want U.S. to intervene” – you just can’t make stuff like this up.
CNN, the missing airplane network seemed to bear this out when during coverage of the East Ukraine referendum on Sunday one of their fancy graphic maps erroneously showed the location of Ukraine in Pakistan. Such a silly blunder would normally result in ridicule but at CNN it goes with the territory so far has the media in this country descended into the morass of mental mediocrity that is the new normal for the American mind. It is as though we are in the early stages of becoming the society that was the subject of the cult classic comedy film Idiocracy.
The plot for Idiocracy features a U.S. Army dullard named Joe Bowers, a man of completely average intelligence and a prostitute named Rita who are the subjects of a secret US military hibernation experiment of what was to be of limited duration. Well of course things go awry and the officer in charge, is ensnared by a sex scandal bringing shame and a base closure and a much longer nap for Joe and Rita who sleep until they are freed from their test chambers during the great garbage avalanche of 2505. They wake up to find a world that is totally FUBAR, the infrastructure is crumbling and looks as though it were designed by idiots (or contracted out to politically connected cronies under the guise of privatization) , the commercialization of society has been completed with corporate logos everywhere and characters that have been named after fast food items and commercial products like Dr. Lexus, Frito and Beef Supreme. I actually know people who name their pets after corporate brand names so can actual human babies really be far behind?
The populace speaks in crude tongues, hurl insults and pejoratives at everything and berate Joe for talking “like a fag” because in the 26th Century even a nitwit speaking in 20th Century dumbed-down lingo sounds like an egghead – it is the ultimate triumph of Sarah Palin style anti-intellectualism. The entire population has become twentieth generation white trash who in a gross parody of Social Darwinism have outbred those with any intelligence or discretion. The opening few minutes that show how this happened are as classic as they are painfully true with the educated putting off reproduction while the rednecks breed like rabbits.
Centuries of consumerism and way too much television have reduced the citizenry to the point of borderline retardation and the greatest advances in technology are huge multi-screened televisions that allow for multiple reality trash programs to be presented simultaneously while the viewer is ensconced on a huge plush chair sucking down goo from a tub while reveling in the delights of movies and tv shows the likes of “Ass”, “Ow! My Balls” and the “Masturbation Channel”. Those three examples are the descendants of today’s moronic programming like American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Duck Dynasty and the explosion of potty humor as entertainment that have made the society dumb and dumber.
Corporations like Starbucks now offer handjobs as an enticement to buy a latte and Fuddruckers has become Buttfuckers – the corporate satire is hilarious as it is absent from the media and society today because the joke is on us all. The scene that takes place at St. God’s Memorial Hospital with the health care system being reduced to a combination fast food joint/casino is down and out classic for those for those who think that Obamacare is as bad as it gets – just wait.
The society that Joe finds himself in is mean, greedy and stupid and the police are drooling overly aggressive thugs (much like they are now) who must have viewed Judge Dredd as a training film. After a series of mishaps and an IQ test he is summoned to the White House by President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho because he is now the most intelligent man on the planet and more than up to the task of solving the food crisis that plagues America.
The crops are dying because instead of using water (that stuff in the toilet) they are irrigated by mega selling sports drink Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator. Joe suggests using H2O and is met with incredulity by cabinet members reciting Brawndo’s advertising mantra of “It’s got electrolytes.” After causing massive social unrest and unemployment after replacing Brawndo which just happens to be the nation’s biggest employer
Joe is taken to an arena for a gladiatorial style event that is a wild combination between Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome and the local monster truck extravaganza that is televised on FOX which to no surprise is much the same as it is today other than the appearance of the anchors.
Joe eventually triumphs and saves the day when the crops grow again and becomes a truly honored hero of Uh-merica. His best advice is to turn off the TV and read something once in awhile and everyone lives happily ever after.
Alas, life in The Homeland isn’t a movie and there is no happy ending to this ongoing nightmare.
http://carryingaflag.blogspot.com/
Beating a dead horse post.
Random bed check …………. CNN, May 12th, 11:30AM, ……….. I SWEAR on my everlasting soul ………
Baba Wawa is doing an LA Clipper story, interviewing the wife ….. followed by commercials …. next story is about the Malaysian airline.
Hilarious buffoonery.
Oh my goodness, Stucky. Watching CNN and logging in all their content (so to speak) was a major undertaking. How did you manage to hang in there? I’d rather shoot a nail gun into my eyeballs all day than watch this dreck. Very admirable, my friend.
CNN does not even register ratings – there are *’s where number of viewers are too low to even register on the Nielsen meters.
How the hell did they ever manage to sell any ads at all?
Well, corporate welfare is alive and well for the cronies. CNN is only getting these ad schedules because somebody is twisting CEO’s arms. Trust me.
And the list of direct response advertisers who only compensate CNN based on the number of viewers who call the #800 is longer than corporate ads. Sleepy’s, Geico, Lumber Liquidators, Aflac, eHarmony, Legal Zoom, Priceline, Lifelock et al only compensate CNN when a viewer responds. Very little revenue. Really the bottom of the advertising barrel.
So, the question is, how can CNN meet its expenses? My guess is the White House is subsidizing (or one of their think tanks) under “research” line in the budget.
Our tax dollars at work.
SHOCK: CNN PRIMETIME FALLS BELOW BELOW 250,000 VIEWERS…
Friday Cable Ratings: CNN’s 9PM Hour Hits Second-Lowest Ratings in Nearly 15 Years
by Matt Wilstein | 6:45 pm, May 12th, 2014 RATINGS 231
With Bill Weir hosting CNN Tonight on Friday, averaged its second-lowest ratings during the 9 p.m. hour in both the 25-54 demo and total viewers in nearly 15 years. The CNN show had 48K viewers in the demo and 226K total, according to Nielsen.
The only other time the 9 p.m. hour rated lower than that in total viewers dating back to 2000 came on October 11, 2010 when Larry King Live had 196K. In the demo, it occurred on May 15, 2012 when Piers Morning Tonight had just 39K viewers.
During that hour Friday night, Fox’s The Kelly File came in first place with 193K in the demo and 1.360M total viewers. MSNBC’s The Rachel Maddow Show was second with 107K in the demo and 560K total viewers.
Mary M.
You know how to eat an elephant, right? One bite at a time.
A couple days ago I mentioned to Ms Freud that I MIGHT want to do the same thing for Fux Newz. She calmly and quite firmly simply said, “No, you won’t.” And that ended the discussion.
the missing plane story broke on Univision a week before CNN got hold of it. the beautiful blonde was not interested when i told her about it. then she became obsessed with the whole 24 hour coverage when CNN began to divulge every tiniest detail.
what was the reason for embedding government propaganda folks in CNN? they don’t seem to have improved on the oj simpson coverage ad nauseum formula.
As somebody who felt the same way, and wanted to conduct the same type of detailed log of CNN, I truly commend you for your patience.
I’ve been wondering if I can bill – for the cost of my internet service from Dish – CNN for the amount of time I pay for – and am billed for – in watching a commercial before I can see any news story. CNN sells commercial time to advertisers for thousands of dollars, so why can’t I receive a few bytes worth of that since I have no choice but to watch their advertisements prior to getting to the story.
CNN = Commercials Nonstop Network…
And God forbid we have another airliner go down because Martin Savage will be on for a couple of weeks in a mock-up airline cockpit with an instructor pilot asking him, “OK, what if I pushed that button, would it make us crash like the ordeal we witnessed with Malaysian flight 370.
CNN has become cheap and lazy and rather than broadcasting actual news, they do constant reruns, rehash of news that is HISTORY and not current.
Rather than sending reporters out into the field, or into the world trouble-spots like they used to, they have a news anchor sit in the studio and they Skype an interview with some retired guy who used to be a pilot, used to be a ship captain, used to be a police officer, used to be a sheep herder (the list is endless concerning what ever tragic situation might have happened somewhere) and but using these retired people and having them “air” through Skype, the cheapskates don’t spend any real money by sending a real reporter and cameraman to where the news is/was happening.
That Rucker guy at CNN is a cheap S.O.B. and instead of watching what is going on in the world, he is watching (and chasing) the almighty dollar and as a result, we might have 3 minutes of “news” on CNN followed by nearly 6 minutes of commercials…
I bet Walter Cronkite, Harry Reasoner, David Brinkly and all the REAL broadcast journalists of the previous generations are rolling in their graves and the sorry lot that runs CNN is rolling in the dough.
Radar O’Riley
NIIIIIICCCCEEEEEE! A comment SIX MONTHS later!! Keep this fuckin’ post alive, baby!!
Nice comments, btw.
CuNNt is having a field day with this Paris shit. Cutting to commercials every 3-4 minutes …. and probably charging double or triple their normal rates.
I wish ISIS would do to CuNNt what they did ………….
FUCK CNN !!!!!!
I Googled, “Why are there six minutes of commercials for every four minutes of content?” and found your lovely, well-prepared and VERY well-written rant.
I realize I’m 4 1/2 years late to this party but, seriously, NOTHING HAS CHANGED!
It doesn’t matter what time of the day or night, doesn’t matter which channel I happen to select, I ALWAYS hit a commercial, without fail!
Even if I decide to check one of the shopping channels (Evine, HSN, QVC) looking for an interest-free “bargain,” I STILL manage to hit a commercial advertising their credit card, or one of the gay hosts offering their latest cake recipe (I think that’s a requirement for employment now) or some written blurb explaining why their version of “retail prices” are so much higher than what we’d pay anywhere else.
Yeah. This might be an old post, but I read every word and every comment, and the complaints voiced by Stucky and his followers are just as relevant, certainly every bit as valid, and just as mind-numbing today as they were on the day they were written.
Here’s a novel idea that occurred to me:
What if I take a few million dollars I have lying around the house and start a 24-hour, commercial free cable news station that does nothing but report news stories from all over the world?
(And yes, I remember Ted Turner; I’m just kinda hoping no one else does …)
Great job, Stucky! I think we all appreciate the tremendous effort that went into writing this piece, and thanks for not half-assing it.
“I Googled, “Why are there six minutes of commercials for every four minutes of content?” and found your lovely, well-prepared and VERY well-written rant.”
Thank you!! It warms the cockles of my heart to know that someone was blessed by one of my works … four friggin years after the fact.
I hope you stick around and make lots of comments and one day become a Big Dog.
P.S. I was hoping that the article would have resulted in the elimination of CuNNt. Alas, I have failed in my quest, for they may be too corrupt to fail.