OK, now that you are as smart as me (if you read my last post) it is time to step it up a notch. Simply accumulating facts, well, even a monkey can do that. Stucko Philosophy is simply observing or thinking about things and writing them down. Eventually you will come up with your own personal Weltanschauung (worldview). Rather than teach you the methodology – which would take an 800 page book – I shall lead by example. Here are some original and not-so-original examples of things that enter my brain, that I write down, and eventually most of these will become original articles in due time. You, too, should be writing down at least ten observations per day, and in no time at all you will compete for The Most Interesting Man In The World.
1)- Last night I told Ms. Freud that I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine to keep me alive and happy ……… so, she logged me off of TBP.
2)- Some of my best stories have come from my terrible life decisions … or tragedies.
3)- If you looked up in the sky and saw a human being flying on his own accord …. would you think that is was a bird or airplane?
4)- TBP needs a sarcasm font …. you could make a million bucks inventing one.
5)- The GPS on our Hyundai is awesome and has a million features ….. except “Avoid ghetto”.
6)- Mapquest needs to start at #6 … I know how to get out of my f****g neighborhood.
7)- Why does my 4 cylinder Hyundai have a speedometer that goes to 160mph?
8)- Why can’t Ms. Freud put mascara on with her mouth closed?
9)- I hope nothing comes after DVDs …. cuz I’m not f*****g starting all over, again.
10)- When I hear a pregnant woman say “I’m expecting”, it always sounds to me like there’s more than one possible outcome …. “Yes, I’m expecting a baby, but it could be a velociraptor.”
11)- My worst moments on TBP are not when I get into shitfests or defriend friends …. It’s when I realize, “Oh, shit! I’m wrong!”
12)- The only acceptable thing to do when you’re wrong is to increase the level of shit-festery …. and, while I do it all the time, I don’t quite understand why male and female sexual organs have such prominence in my rebuttals.
13)- This really pisses me off; my Ajax Lemon Dishsoap has real lemon in it, but my lemon juice is artificially flavored.
14)- What I love about New Jersey drivers is that we will spontaneously organize into a solid line of cars to prevent some dick from cutting in the front.
15)- My greatest fear of dying suddenly is not being able to clear my internet cache and searches ….. my loved ones will think I was a total douchebag pervert.
16)- If someone says “I love you” , but you don’t feel the same … just say “I love youtube” really fast.
17)- I. Like. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
18)- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m a dumbass but I can bullshit with the best of them.”.
19)- How come Brits never sound British when they sing?
20)- I don’t know how Dracula is able to get such a straight part in his hair since he can’t see his reflection in a mirror.
21)- My local convenience store is always asking for donations. Last week they asked if I’d like to feed the hungry …. I told the lady that’s why I’m in the store.
22)- I hate these people; I miss a call by one ring and immediately call back … and they don’t answer. They better have dropped dead, or there will be hell to pay.
23)- It wasn’t until I left home at 18 to join the Air Force and came back home four years later that I realized my parents had funny German accents.
24)- There’s zero evidence that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.
25)- Ms. Freud learned this from me; she keeps several phone numbers in her phone …. Just to know when not to answer.
26)- Marriage is someone betting half your stuff that you will love them forever. “I do.” Is the longest sentence in the English language.
27)- Do you know that when you’re married ……….. you’re having sex with a relative?
28)- Atheists shouldn’t be allowed to get insurance for “acts of God”.
29)- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
30)- Kay Jewelers is full of shit ….. 99% of kisses start with alcohol.
31)- They say if you play a Nickleback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the devil ….. even worse, if you play it forwards, you’ll hear Nickleback.
32)- Why does our drugstore make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store … but healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front?
33)- The speed at which Ms. Freud says “Nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” … is inversely proportional to the coming shit-storm.
The solution to all marital problems.
34)- It’s strange that a school zone is 20mph …. the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
35)- I loved the Roadrunner as a child …. as an adult I realized he’s a total douchebag.
36)- Why don’t cops demand bullet-proof pants?
37)- I don’t need drugs …. I can get high by standing up really fast.
38)- Shouldn’t it be called Unplanned Parenthood?
39)- When I see a misspelled word I look down at the keyboard to see how close the letter is to the letter that’s supposed to be there …. It helps me know if the person just typed to fast, or is a total dumbass.
40)- The sounds and smells emanating from me as I get older are difficult to explain.
41)- Today marks the 8,356th consecutive day where I did not use Algebra.
42)- When the dentist puts his fingers in your mouth … have you ever been tempted to lick them?
43)- When a pregnant woman swims … isn’t she a submarine?
44)- Ms. Freud has had identity theft twice …. I told her the only way to stop it is to max out every credit card.
45)- I can’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
46)- Shouldn’t “mnemonic” be spelled that way?
47)- What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
48)- How do they get deer to cross at those yellow road signs?
49)- Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?
50)- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
51)- Why does a gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
52)- What did people say was “the best thing” before the invention of sliced bread?
53)- I never know where to look when eating a banana. I feel dirty know matter how I hold it.
54)- If it only takes one dollar a day to feed a child in Africa why does it take two dollars a day to lose weight with Jenny Craig?
55)- People who give this advice – “it’s always the last place you look” – are dumbasses ….. of course it’s the last place! Once I find something I stop looking, ya moran!
56)- People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”… really didn’t give me a choice, did they?
57)- People who say “life is short” should just stop …. It’s the longest damn thing you’ll ever do.
58)- Snowmen fall un-assembled from heaven.
59)- This is one of the best religion summaries ever.
60)- This will give Zara an 8 hour erection.
61) “I don’t watch porn” is the 2nd biggest damn lie of all time. The first is “I don’t like porn” .
62)- Lastly, when I sit on my back porch and see a bunny in the yard it brings a smile to my face no matter how sad, depressed, or angry I am.
A penny is a very ironic coin: the only use for pennies is to avoid getting more pennies.
If every time Stucky calls someone a name related to genitalia it is because he realizes he is wrong, he is wrong an awful lot.
TPB is definitely a life-sustaining piece of technology, let’s see a ventilator make you laugh, cry, scream, threaten violence, wax philosophic, hope, despair, call you a thundercunt, say fuck way too much all in single thread and yet everyone comes back for the next.
Sure, every snowflake is unique, but if looked at under that kind of microscope, every OBJECT in the universe is unique.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” -attributed to Einstein, but he never said it. He would no better. You CANT do the same thing twice. The Universe is inexorable changed with each passing nano second due to the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
Stucky,
Great list, made my day. I am guilty of number 39.
Bob.
Sup Stuck?
Funny list… +1. There’s a good number of them I’m familiar with, mostly because they’re so true…
Hey, while I’m here, I got something for ya… been reading a book. “Breakfast with the Dirt Cult”. Highly reccommended. Seriously. Poignant, sad, howlingly piss-your-pants funny, thoughtful… and full of some of the most creative curses I have ever read in print… makes me miss the old days. Yes, people do talk like that in the military… which should lend you some insight as to my posts.
Here’s a excerpt. Sgt. Walton is recovering from being wounded in Afghanistan and is suffering constipation as a result of the morphine they’ve been giving him while at Walter Reed…. It’s probably the single funniest description of… the aftereffects… of this kind of thing as I have ever read… made even more hilarious because I’ve gone through a similar event…
It’s sort of a long post, but enjoy anyways.
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“But noooo, they send in a dude. A fuckin’ dude! In walks this big damn male nurse I’ve never met before who says he’s Nurse Smith, and he’s carryin’ a suppository that looks like one of the Lone Ranger’s silver bullets. Half a month’s worth of shit in my intestines and I’m feelin’ okay, but the second this motherfucker walks in with somethin’ he’s supposed to put in my ass, I’m suddenly sick. I ain’t gonna lie; at this point, I’m kinda freaked out. I’ve got myself a bait-and-switch on my hands, Hoss, like you ain’t ever seen.
“I told him, ‘Look, I’ve never had one of those before and I’m not sure how it works,’ and he explained that it goes in the ass and breaks up the shit, then a half-hour later, you’re in business. I asked if I put it in, or if he does, and he replied that it didn’t matter, but that if it didn’t go in far enough, we’d have to try again.
“Sir, if you’d have put a gun to my head a week ago and told me that you were gonna kill me unless I got a suppository in my ass forthwith, but I could choose whether it would be me or a stranger who inserted it, I’d have told you to go piss up a rope, I’ll do it my goddamned self. But now that I’m findin’ out that if I ain’t a first-time-go I have to go through the ordeal of doin’ it all over again, I’m startin’ to have second thoughts. I could just see me spread-eagled on my hospital bed with one arm covered with all these rods and pins and IV’s ‘n what-not, and the other halfway up my ass tryin’ to plant the charge. Then, only to find out afterward that I had to repeat the process. I thought about it for a bit, then decided to swallow my pride and let a professional do it. ‘Get it right the first time,’ and all that. Like I know how far up my ass I’m supposed to go with that thing. I’ve read Field Manual 7-8 cover to cover, and I assure you, there ain’t nothin’ in there on breach-loading an asshole.
“I had to roll off onto my side and bare my ass, and I’m embarrassed as hell. I’m embarrassed for me, ‘cause shit ain’t exactly goin’ according to plan and now I’ve got some strange guy who looks like he plays professional football about to put somethin’ in my ass and I really ain’t crazy about my life at that point. After being shot, that kinda thing is just addin’ insult to injury. Literally.
“On top of that, I’m embarrassed for Nurse Smith. He seems like a good dude. He ain’t hurtin’ anybody. He probably got into this gig to save lives and help people and maybe hump some nurse chicks. All that shit they put in the brochures. But you know they’ve got this poor bastard out changin’ bedpans, and havin’ to clean up God knows what, and dealin’ with freaked out soldiers havin’ crazy dreams, and I don’t know what-all. If that ain’t enough, he’s gotta make the rounds puttin’ shit-bullets in a bunch of dudes’ hairy assholes. That’s a tough row to hoe. I ain’t ever had to deal with that sort of thing, but I’ve changed my share of diapers, so I think I understand that this kinda shit can really fuck with your day.
“To try to hold on to some shred of my dignity, and out of respect for our mutual humanity ‘n all that happy horseshit, I figured I’d make small-talk. You know, like that sort of a situation wasn’t weird at all. ‘Wit is the denial of suffering,’ says the Freud.
“So we began talkin’ about his previous experiences in administering Silver Bullets. All of a sudden I thought he was tryin’ to put a model train set up my ass. I just about climbed up the motherfuckin’ wall tryin’ to escape. It was traumatic, ya see. Fortunately, it took only a split second and he said he thought he got it in far enough.
“I kinda felt violated, you know? Seriously, we have global wireless communication systems facilitated by satellites in a geosynchronous orbit IN OUTER FUCKIN’ SPACE, but we’re still puttin’ stuff up people’s asses to help them shit? Fuckin’ savages!
“Anyhow, soon I feel the shit brewin’. I call him back in and he unhooks me from my IV so me and the Jungle Gym I’ve got drilled into my arm can go drop a deuce.
“So I’m there on the shitter with my PJ’s around my ankles, three gunshot wounds from an AK-47, a Silver Bullet up my ass, and two weeks worth of compressed shit headin’ for daylight, and I swear, I had to have been dilated to like, a twenty, or somethin’. The situation was backfiring on me in every conceivable sense of the word. I’d try to let it out, but then it all tried to come out at once, and I thought I was gonna rip my fuckin’ O-Ring. Like I don’t have enough goin’ for me already.
“On top of all that, I’m makin’ weird noises whether I want to or not. This beast is a DEFCON-1 level growler. And it’s mad as hell. It wants to fight, I can feel it. God only knows what someone would’ve thought if they’d passed by. I’m in there wrestlin’ with this thing, and gruntin’, and bearin’ down, and I’m gettin’ light-headed. The Lamaze Breathing ain’t gettin’ me anywhere. Trouble is, I know that if I let myself pass out, then it’ll get the drop on me and do somethin’ horrible. Maybe remove my organs while I’m unconscious and sell ‘em on the black market.
“But then, I’m also goin’ through this and I’m laughin’ my fool head off. Partly ‘cause toilet humor was always hysterical to my brothers and me, but also ‘cause I’m thinkin’, ‘This is what I get for laughin’ at Sergeant Sparn.’ He was one of my old platoon sergeants and he had to go around with a feminine hygiene product in his asshole on account of a boil. We saw Doc pull it out once and reload a fresh one, and the whole damn platoon almost died laughin’. So there ya go. If there’s a moral, I guess it’s, ‘What goes around comes around, so be careful about laughin’ at people havin’ to have stuff done to their ass, ‘cause you could be next.’ Then again, maybe there ain’t a moral. Maybe The Bad Man is just a dick.
“So anyhow, I’m in the shitter havin’ a significant emotional event. The situation is getting out of control. I then thought, ‘Hey, I’m a sergeant, I should be tactical about this. Maybe with a little courage, discipline, and patience I could squeeze it out into passable chunks. Attack the shit asymmetrically. Divide and conquer.’ But that just pissed it off. And anyhow, the contractions were killin’ me. ‘There is nothing more powerful than a shit whose time has come.’
“Eventually, I had to give the Suppository Devil his due. A piece, no, an Ass-Asteroid like a VW Bug finally entered the splash-down phase and I had to double-over and grab the handicap rail like I was givin’ birth in the shitter. “Now, I gotta admit, Sir… I was kinda curious about the fruit of my labors. You know it had to be huge. It certainly felt like a monster. Like a Toilet Kraken. But that could’ve been a subjective analysis. Maybe it was normal size, but had been hard like a stone and my body hadn’t been prepared for that kinda threat level.
“But, I also kinda didn’t want to know. There’s some things that ain’t healthy for the human mind. Like maybe if I dared to peer into the bowl I’d wind up lookin’ into the face of evil. ‘Look not behind thee… lest thou be consumed.’ That’s what my Bible says.
“In the end, I figured the best thing to do was clean up, flush it, and get the hell out of there before it decided to come after me. You know, like in a battle drill; ‘Shoot, Move, and Communicate.’ As mean as it was, I wouldn’t have put it past the thing to have vengeance in its heart and try to launch a counterattack.
“By the time I come out of the latrine, I’m punchy. Gettin’ shot was one thing, but now I’m stackin’ trauma on top of trauma, and I feel like a broke-dick dog. I barely had the strength to wash my hands. Finally, I made it back to bed, closed my eyes, and just tried to put the whole ordeal behind me. No pun intended.
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“Toilet Kraken” is now part of my lexicon… 🙂
“21)- My local convenience store is always asking for donations. Last week they asked if I’d like to feed the hungry …. I told the lady that’s why I’m in the store.”
One time out in front of a local grocery store there was a mother and daughter of about 8yrs old sitting behind a small folding table with a sign “collecting canned food for the poor”.
I walked up and commented “WOW that’s wonderful, you’re collecting food for ME!”
The little girl just looked at me with the “deer in the headlights” look. The mother just laughed.
#1 had me laughing – good start
#20 – truly remarkable thinking or insight or whatever. Depressed I can’t process my mind like that.
#35 – I still like the Roadrunner
#60 – the Frontal ‘Money’ Lobe – another big laffer
I’m gonna start calling you Jack Handy! 🙂
Nice, Billy!
Did some quick searches …. he received over 800 rejections before he self-published …. nice little write up below I think you will like, from an author (Taki) who has had articles copied on TBP ……
Great list. In the empty space in my brain I sometimes wonder, Is Warren Buffet Jimmy Buffet’s father and do either dine at the buffet?
“Stucko Philosophy is simply observing or thinking about things and writing them down.” —- me
Just want to say I’m not kidding about that. When I’m not near a computer, I pretty much always have paper and pencil readily available … a thought pops in my head, I write it down.
For example, that long Medieval Castles article … I was writing down thoughts from the moment I said I was going to write it, until I actually did. A span of several months … ELAPSED time.
At some point in time I’m going to write about my take on Deism. Been writing down thoughts since I said I’d do it. Some days zero thoughts, some days quite a few.
This “methodology” I learned in a college writing class. The primary reason being that trying to only remember ideas clogs up your memory banks. That only when you put ideas/thoughts on paper can you free up your mind for more ideas. Also, some of the best ideas only cross your mind once, and then are gone forever .. so, write it down. Lastly, actually seeing words in print — even if they are your ideas — is the best way to stimulate even more ideas that merely thinking about it can’t do.
Take it for what it’s worth. Just thought I’d pass that along.
Stucky- The famous line, “If a butterfly flaps it’s wings does it cause a hurricane/ tsunami on the other side of the world”? (Butterfly Effect)
So I have pondered, if a flapping butterfly can cause that force then what in the hell do those wind turbines on those wind farms cause? Shorter days due to the planet spinning faster? sarc
Fine piece, Stuck… How many of those items are the result of you jotting down a thought as it ripped through your mind? I’d give odds on more than half!
MA
Thanks Muck!
Probably more than half. And some of them are DECADES old …. and on several of those I actually recall what inspired the thought!
For example, #19 …. I actually had that idea not regarding British singers but sometime in the early 70’s when I discovered Abba didn’t speak English, and I wondered how in the fuck they sang in perfect English.
#18 .. about “book smarts” occurred about 1985 in an adult Bible Study class I was teaching. It was about prophecy and current events. One of the men .. a deacon, actually … never did any of the “homework” I assigned for the next Sunday. I finally asked him why. He response that the Bible was the ONLY book he’s read in many years, that it was the ONLY truth he needed. Ever. He even cancelled his newspaper subscription. Yet, believe it or not, he actually made a nice contribution to the class discussions. And I thought to myself “Amazing, you can be dumber than dogshit, yet still get by with a healthy dose of bullshit”. I went into sales shortly after that. lol
Thank you Stuck, I love the idea about constantly writing things down, which I already do, my problem is my thoughts end up in a dozen different places and focus is my problem.
Though, my son & I are starting up a company, and we both have company notebooks, those we are carrying around with us.
This made my mind smile, after a day of attempting to figure out the bureaucratic nightmare of becoming legitimate (much easier to start off in the right regulatory step, than to be smacked into it later), I really needed it.
You continuously enrich my life, I really like that about you.
Nice list! Entertaining and some good observations.
Hey!! What the fuck happened to my cute Bunny picture????
It’s gone!!! (At least on my ‘puter). Fuckshit dammit.
Without looking at my keyboard, I’m gonna say that Stucky, as much as I love you, you’re still fulla shit!
You’re older and taller than me, but if you think I can’t kick your ass- even though that’s the last thing I’d want to do, you’d be wrong.
People, by and large, are simply stupid.
I don’t think there’s anything we can do about that.
I wondered why I didn’t comment earlier, then I remembered not to follow a tough act. I dod some of my best writing here. It isn’t going to get any better, sorry. Ordinarily, I am but a listener. I spent many a morning listening to my old boss who was so full of shit but could expound for hours on lint. He had the gift of gab. I mean, he could be interesting. I could speak of many things if I were so inclined but my topics bore me and my accent kills people. Nonetheless, reading stuff as I do here, I can add a bit of color to the conversation. Too bad regular folks prefer small talk. They look at me funny when I say stuff like: we’re in a severe drought, the world is on the brink of economic collapse, blacks have been waging an undeclared war on American culture, the faggots are winning…
What fun! Got a good laugh out of many #’s.
#41. So true. But bet you use calculus most every day– second derivative (aka planning ahead) for sure!
Also..
#55
You made me look.
I thought #33 — “Give her the dick” — would have sparked some OUTRAGE from our female readers. Since it did not, I can only assume the advice is valid.
.
FUCK Kristaps Porzingis!! FUCK the NY DICKS …. errr, KNICKS. FUCK LATVIA!!!! The Dicks got the fourth motherfuckin’ pick in the NBA draft and they pick some unknown cocksucker from LATVIA???? Fuckit, I’m cheering for Philadelphia.
Stucky said:
“FUCK Kristaps Porzingis!! FUCK the NY DICKS …. errr, KNICKS. FUCK LATVIA!!!! The Dicks got the fourth motherfuckin’ pick in the NBA draft and they pick some unknown cocksucker from LATVIA???? Fuckit, I’m cheering for Philadelphia.”
lol! First time I read that I thought you had developed Tourettes Sybndrome or had a stroke!
@TE: What company are you and son starting up? None of my business, of course, but I’m just nosey where you are concerned! By the way, I’m up to 350 mg of mag every day now and will work up to 400 plus and see what happens..
MA
Lololololololololololololololol
Mah gawd this is seriously funny