SPARTANBURG, SC—Struggling to regain his composure and come to terms with what he had just witnessed, market researcher Nathan Pendersen emerged from a Denny’s focus group Thursday shaken after finding out what Americans really want to eat for breakfast. “I asked them which items they’d like to see on our new breakfast menu, and they almost universally said cookie crumbles and pizza, and I’m not sure they meant separately,” a visibly distraught Pendersen said, noting that even the proposed sausage and pepper jack breakfast burrito was received tepidly until it was served on a double stack of pancakes and received four ladles of melted nacho cheese. “Do you know what it’s like listening to a full-grown adult make the case for gummi worms on waffles or just flat-out suggest we find a way to make oatmeal more like a meatball sub? I’m just…I’m just not sure I can do another one of these.” At press time, Pendersen was shuddering at the memory of the resounding approval the focus group had given him after he jokingly introduced the idea of just deep-frying a sack of sugar.
Ah, The Onion, not only good on burgers but an excellent source for your Recommended Daily Allowance of the fake news. After all, the other “news channels” simply spew lies anyway.
And since it’s Friday, here are some more great The Onion headlines from days gone by:
-Special Olympics T-ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game.
-Trophy Wife Mounted.
-Mormon Family Trying To Ignore Dog’s Huge Boner.
-Nation’s Dog Owners Demand To Know Who’s A Good Boy.
-End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry.
-Congress Appropriates $3.17 To Rent, ‘Tango & Cash.’
-Christian Right Lobbies To Overturn Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
-Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory.
-Church Group Offers Homosexuals New Life In Closet.
-European Boy Beaten To Within A Centimeter of His Life.
-Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000 Year Old T-Rex Skeleton.
-Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician.
-Clinton Feels Nation’s Pain, Breasts.
-Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling.
-CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Hi-lighters This Whole Time.
-Free Thinking Cat Craps Outside The Box.
-Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People.
-Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet.
-Police Confiscate 280 pounds of Marijuana Smoker.
-Science Guy Bill Nye Killed In Massive Vinegar & Baking-Soda Explosion.
-Nation’s Wealthiest One Percent Demands Minority Status.
-The Supreme Court Overturns Car.
-Casual Friday Claims Lives of 13 Nuclear Waste Technicians.
I liked the All American Pancake breakfast .Red white and Blue. Strawberries and whipped cream and blueberries. It was big and sweet and i felt guilty eating it. At least it was a once in a while thing.
I like a thick chuck steak and Tuborg Gold for breakfast.