8 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Fear Zombies

Honestly, I have never enjoyed Zombie movies, not even as a kid. All that fake fake fake blood and gore! It didn’t impress me. Now, I do realize that all sci-fi movies require a suspension of belief but, the idea of dead rotting corpses defeating humanity was just too over-the-top. Let’s take a look why Zombies are pussies.

1)- HEAT DESTROYS ZOMBIES

The effect of a hot son on a rotting corpse is severe. Wiki describes putrification (actual human above) as – “as the decomposition of proteins in a process that results in the eventual breakdown of cohesion between tissues and the liquefaction of most organs.”  We living humans have a huge colony of bacteria (gut flora) in our colon for digesting plant matter. Decay starts almost the moment the heart stops beating. Heat speeds the growth of bacteria … and the bacteria will enjoy a smorgasbord now that your immune system is no longer functioning. Dead bodies bloat because of the gases created by the bacteria. Within a few weeks the Zombies will explode faster than Moochelle’s ass. Moist conditions speeds this condition. On the other hand, Zombies in Phoenix will begin to mummify due to desiccation – the drying out of an organism – in a matter of weeks.

2)- COLD DESTROYS ZOMBIES

It is a given that Zombies are dead meat. Let’s focus on the ‘meat’ part. What happens to meat in a freezer? Cold does nasty shit to formerly living things. The human body is mostly water, and water freezes. Your local Zombie during December in Minot, North Dakota will be as stiff as your meat in the freezer. Stiff meat is incapable of moving … my Python being the exception. The freezing of the flesh, combined with partial thaw during warmer days, then refreezing again results in freezer burn, which results in the cells dehydrating as water evaporates even when frozen solid. Freezer burned meat isn’t just dead, it’s destroyed.

 

3)- INSECTS and BEARS DESTROY ZOMBIES

Humans are pretty easy to kill. A teeny tiny tick that weighs fractions of an ounce can give us a disease that turns our organs into jelly. A microscopic virus can wipe out humanity. So, why are we on top of the food chain? It because we’re pretty damned good at killing things ourselves.

With extremely rare exceptions, wild animals can’t kill humans. We’re too smart, and too well armed. Zombies, on the other hand, are friggin dumb-ass morans. They make our favorite poster here, bb, look like an Einstein. Zombies wander around in the open. They can’t use weapons. They can’t think. They can’t strategize. They don’t have the sense to run when in danger. Packs of wild dogs, coyotes, mountain lions, bears, and every meat-eating animal on earth will see a Zombie and think to themselves – “Easy food!”.

But, much more harmful to humanity and Zombies than wild beasts are the tiny beasts. Insects. You know why your eyes, ears, and tongue aren’t teeming with maggots? Because you have arms to swat away flies, and an immune system. Zombies are too stupid to do the former, and have none of the latter. Zombie eyes would become quickly useless, and the rest of their dead bodies would be covered head to toe with maggots in a matter of days.

 

4)- HUMANS GOT GUNS!!

Millions and millions of guns amongst the living. You know why you need a license to hunt? It has nothing to do with taking away your rights. It’s because if given free reign to hunt whenever and wherever then everything in the forest, plains, or mountains would be dead by sunrise.

Now, when the game changes from “three deer” to “as many rotting corpses that you can kill”, well, those Zombies won’t last three days. You ever notice in all those movies how Zombies inexplicably walk INTO bullets? They also seem to enjoy Molotov cocktails, baseball bats, crowbars and cars. There’s another ten million military and police — they have machine guns, combat shotguns, sniper rifles, assault rifles, sub-machine guns, grenade launchers, tanks, and a goddamned Air Force which every Zombie flick seems to have forgotten.

 

5)- ZOMBIES DON’T FUCK

Really, they don’t. Their form of reproduction is also their ONLY source of food …. and their top predator! Imagine having to go toe to toe with your number one predator every single time you need to “reproduce” or eat. Would you like to have to fight a mountain lion every damned time you were hungry or needed some nookie? Zombies, as a species, are designed for utter failure.

 

6)- ZOMBIES DON’T FEEL PAIN … SO THEY DON’T HEAL

Have you ever considered that pain is a gift? You would if you had congenital analgesia (actual picture above). These people bite off their tongue and keep eating, or break a leg bone and keep walking, or get something minor in their eye and wind up blind, or get a paper cut and don’t feel it so they don’t treat it and before you know it they lose a limb. The absence of pain always leads to severe complications, and often death. Now, we know that Zombies are clumsy sumsabitches … walking off cliffs, tripping all over the place, walking into doors, or if a door isn’t available, into helicopter blades. And, they don’t give a shit. Zombies all eventually wind up eye-less, tooth-less, limb-less, head-less, and with every bone in their bodies broken. In fact, the best way to fight the Zombie Apocalypse is to stay inside, watch all the episodes of Breaking Bad, then go outside and just stuff all the busted up Zombies in a big black trash bag.

 

7)- ZOMBIES CAN’T NAVIGATE TERRAIN

Austria will never be invaded by Zombies. That’s because Zombies can only navigate perfectly flat places like deserts, roads, and shopping malls. They cannot navigate rivers, canyons, cliffs, dense forests, mountains, or even walk up a small grassy knolls. Zombies can’t even get through a locked door. But, what about cities? Well, Zombies would be fucked in San Franciso – too many hilly streets. But, people don’t act like panicky idiots as depicted in a horror movie. In cities, people would congregate in the upper levels of high-rise buildings, where the invasion can be held at bay with simple security doors. People living on the second floor, or above, could just drop filing cabinets, safes, and various appliances on the Zombies.

 

8)- ZOMBIES WILL STARVE TO DEATH

The One Unasked Question is – “Why do Zombies need to eat in the first place??”. They’re dead!! Only living tissue needs energy. Dead tissue needs nothing. That being said, why do you never ever see half-eaten zombies in movies? OK, once in a while you’ll see a one-armed or one-legged Zombie. But, if zombies are eating people, shouldn’t heavily populated areas be littered with stripped-bare corpses? Dirty, gnawed skeletons all over the place? And Zombies always eat arms, stomachs, or heads. How come Zombies never eat dick? Or, pussy? I’m sure they did it when they were alive. Why not now? Zombies attack people, take one or two bites, and then hit the trail. Again, this makes no sense. Why aren’t there rail-thin, anorexic, Karen Carpenter looking Zombies??

Just one more thing …. where does all the food go?? You never, ever, see a Zombie taking a shit. You should see massive amounts of Zombie shit in these Zombie movies, but you don’t. And when bodies (even Zombies) don’t shit they will eventually explode. I know this from experience.

Author: Stucky

I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it.

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bb

Stucky , do you watch the Walking Dead ?Every one knows cold weather doesn’t kill zombies. Zombies do stop to use the bathroom. Go back and watch Night of the living Dead.Some Zombies are vegetarians.

BEA LEVER
BEA LEVER

The zombies I fear will not be dead, they will be the crazed remnants of people whacked out of their minds if the supply chain of opioid drugs and antidepressants should suddenly fail due to EMP/war. They will number in the millions and they will be dangerous.

Even scarier is the addition of the FSA who will join them looking to find food ,alcohol or anything they can loot . That is who I think will be the actual zombies and they do take a shit after they eat up your food.

JC
JC

You just suck the fun out of everything….. 😀

harry p.

Stucky,
Nice writeup but the “rules” for zombies varies greatly, some are semi intelligent and can crudely communicate and some walk slow while others are not only fast but relentless. The cold stops them but doesnt kill them while also slowing down the decomp process so when they thaw they reanimate again.

I have always been fascinated with the zombie genre long before TWD etc. One of my favorite novels from recent years is World War Z (movie sucks ass and is nothi g like the book). It reads like a series of short stories.

flash
flash

speakin’ of Zombies..
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hardscrabble farmer

Stucky, it’s a metaphor.

Left a comment
Left a comment

Xfile’s flukman

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Tucci78

When the “zombie” trope is taken out of the hands of the fantasy dorks and examined (profitably!) by science fiction writers, one arrives at works of fiction like John Ringo’s “Black Tide Rising” novels, beginning with _Under a Graveyard Sky_ (2013), in which a “zombie” phenomenon is fictively explained by the malicious release of a genetically engineered ‘flu virus which has been “blended” to produce certain neurotropic effects of the rabies virus.

Not that anyone in the entertainment industry is ever likely to produce a television series or film from Ringo’s three novels in this series.

If anyone here thinks that _The Walking Dead_ is intense in its goriness, I invite him to read through the sequence in _Under a Graveyard Sky_ in which a “supermax” cruise liner infested by hundreds of zombies is cleared largely by one pissed-off sixteen-year-old girl literally wading in blood on a rampage through the compartments and corridors thereof.

And Ringo make it entertainingly credible.

suzanna

Disgusting…zombies….boring
and you all are nuts today

Rise Up

Human body deterioration study:

IndenturedServant

I’ve made arrangements to have my carcass sent to a body farm in TN. They use them to study many different death scenarios such as a hunter who dies and is not found for months or murders where bodies are buried or partially buried in shallow graves etc. After that they are cleaned up and held as part of a long term study of skeletal changes due to modern life influences like obesity, excessive sitting (office jobs), skeletal and joint injury/healing etc. Some are also reassembled and sent to teaching institutions.

Like Josey Wales said: “Buzzards gotta eat same as worms.”

Rise Up

suzanna says: Disgusting…zombies….boring and you all are nuts today
———————–
Who you callin’ nuts?

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/aeA1xv6uL-U5YGuphG9KHLESbDPpnvj4WUvUsp5bhsiyQLhaqZTPLAYd4ZfFMmny9Vo5X8RtO6YJAaU0nhUDKcOSzg=w426-h240-n

Chen
Chen

@I-S Please to post a selfie when you get to the body farm.

@Riser, those things make a good breakfast, you can find them in the freezer section at the Mexican market under ‘criadillas’

Chen
Chen
James the Wanderer

Ringo’s “Under A Graveyard Sky” series is the closest thing I’ve read to a believeable zombie scenario. Another good author is Larry Correia, whose “Monster Hunter Nation” series is also well-written (and has some zombies in it, but not the focus). I also like Davis Weber’s “space opera” series on Honor Harrington, the first is “On Basilisk Station” (sorry, no zombies in that one); and L.E. Modesitt’s “Imager” series, also devoid of zombies, however.

I try never to let a good opportunity to plug good books go by!

Chen
Chen

james, your getting the hang of it. SSS recalled one time when the comments went straight to shitfest.

Chen
Chen
IndenturedServant

Chen says:
“@I-S Please to post a selfie when you get to the body farm. ”

I’ve never taken a selfie and have no intention to start. I do hope that when my carcass is decomposing some buzzard carries off my hand or foot and drops it on an unsuspecting crowd. Nothing like stirring a little shit from the grave!

Tucci78

Writes IndenturedServant: “I do hope that when my carcass is decomposing some buzzard carries off my hand or foot and drops it on an unsuspecting crowd. “

Ah, there’s a man of parts, bound to make an impact – or two – in the world.

Capn Mike
Capn Mike

@I-S,
My sweet little daughter did a summer (hot/humid!) internship at the body farm. Talk about selfies! Yuch!
I call her my little maggot counter.
BTW, was this thread a plot to ruin my thanksgiving dinner???

Gator
Gator

Good write up, stucky. Unfortunately the real zombie apocalypse will be the hordes of the FSA spreading out from every city in the country if the just in time supply chain ever breaks down.

IndenturedServant

Lol Capn Mike! I’d be afraid the smell might get ingrained in my nose working there. I’m doing my best to work up a powerful stink for my first six months at the farm. They’re gonna wish they’d buried me deep!

javelin
javelin

@ indenturedservant said “I’ve never taken a selfie and have no intention to start. I do hope that when my carcass is decomposing some buzzard carries off my hand or foot and drops it on an unsuspecting crowd. Nothing like stirring a little shit from the grave!”

I actually thought that this might be a nice way to cross of a few of the unfulfilled items on my bucket list…….
If I don’t get a chance to do a free-fall sky dive, then I hear that they will use donated bodies to study the effects of trauma. Maybe the can drop my corpse from a plane at a few thousand feet—I can complete an item on my bucket list after I’ve already kicked it!

IndenturedServant

@javelin, Did you ever see the episode of Northern Exposure where they fling a piano with a giant catapult? That would be a great send off! They could fling me into the body farm or even a volcano!

gilberts
gilberts

I think the zombie movies miss out on the real essence of the zombie. Every movie, they tell you that zombies are running on instinct. If that’s true, why aren’t they fucking? I think real zombies would be trying to get their rocks off, not trying to eat. They would be trying to hump you, trying to grab your tits, trying to get at your ass. And they would be stumbling around with their pants half-off like amorous adult retirement home residents. “..tiiiiiiiits….”

gilberts
gilberts

In the fiction, they answer all these points, like the exploding guts, or the lack of rotting, or why animals don’t eat them. Try Max Brooks for some great zombie fiction, i.e. World War Z (the book, dammit!) and the Zombie Survival Guide.

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