When Yankel Morgenstern died and went to heaven, he was surprised to find that God was a large chicken. The chicken was about 30 feet tall and spoke perfect English. He stood before a glimmering, eternal coop made of chicken wire of shimmering gold. And behold, inside, a nest of diamonds. “No freaking way,” said Morgenstern. “You know,” said Chicken, “that’s the first thing everyone says when they meet me. ‘No freaking way.’ How does that make me feel?”
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Morgenstern threw himself at Chicken’s feet, kissing his enormous, holy claws. “Hear O Israel, the Lord is your God, the Lord is one,” Morgenstern cried out. Chicken stepped back and shrugged. “Eh,” he said, bobbing his enormous head. “What?” Asked Morgenstern. “I don’t know. What’s that supposed to do for me? Hear O Israel?” he asked. “How’s it go again?” “It’s Shema,” Morgenstern said with hesitation, “The prayer. We say it twice a day.”
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Chicken stomped around in a circle before settling down in his holy nest of nests. “Yeah,” he said, “I know. I’ve been hearing it for years. Still not sure what it means though. Hero Israel. Hero, like the sandwich?” “Not hero like the sandwich,” snapped Morgenstern. He stood up, clutching his black felt hat in his hand. “Hear O Israel. It means that you are one, that you are the only, you know, God.”
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That last word didn’t come easily. “Of course I am,” said Chicken. “Do you see any other chickens around here? Hey Gabe. Gabe,” called Chicken. “Is it Hero Israel, like the sandwich, or Hear O Israel?”
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A stocky old man appeared from the clouds. He wore a pair of dirty Carhartt overalls and smoked a cigarette. “It’s hero like the sandwich sir. You are quite correct.” He turned his head sharply to Morgenstern. “Morgenstern?” he asked. “Yes.” “Follow me.” “Gabe,” he said extending his hand to Morgenstern as they walked through the nothingness to the nowhere.
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“As in Gabriel, right?” asked Morgenstern. “Right,” said Gabe. “I’m sort of the head ranch hand around here. I make sure Chicken has enough feed and water. I clean his coop. You know, general maintenance.” “Couldn’t the Chicken just create his own food?” asked Morgenstern. “Not the Chicken,” said Gabe, “just Chicken. And no he can’t create his own food. He’s a chicken.”
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Morgenstern asked Gabe where he was taking him. “Nowhere,” he said, “this is what we do here. Wherever you go, there you are.” “Christ,” cried Morgenstern, “you’re Buddhist. Damn, I knew the Buddhists were right. Always so happy and peaceful.” “He’s not a Buddhist,” interrupted Gabe. He paused to light a cigarette, Marlboro Reds. “He’s a chicken.”
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“I need to go back to Earth,” Morgenstern blurted out. “Earth, why?” Morgenstern turned to face Gabe. “Let me tell them, Gabe. Please, let me tell my family, just my family, Gabe. He’s a chicken, not Hashem, the one true judge, not Adonai, the Lord Almighty.
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Oh, the years I wasted. Let me tell them so they don’t have to jump through the hoops I did, trying to please some maniacal father who art in heaven. Nine children, Gabe. Nine full, happy, worry-free lives they should have. Let them drive on Saturday. Let them eat bacon. Let them get the lunch special at Red Lobster. McDonald’s, Gabe. Do you have any of those fries up here? Do you? What does a hamburger with cheese taste like? Please, let me tell them Gabe.”
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Gabe took a long drag from his cigarette and shook his head. “They won’t listen,” he said. “I’ve tried telling a few myself. But you want to go back to Earth? Go. Go back to Earth.” Morgenstern hugged Gabe tightly. “Don’t you have to clear it with the Chicken?” “Not the Chicken,” said Gabe. “Just Chicken. And no, I don’t. Chicken doesn’t care either way.” He flicked his cigarette butt off to the side. He gets his feed in the morning, and his droppings cleaned in the afternoon, and that’s all he really wants to know. I’ll see you in a couple of years.”
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Morgenstern awoke. He rolled his head slowly to the side and saw his wife and daughter Hannah sitting at the table in the hospital room eating their dinner, chicken. “Don’t eat,” was all he could manage. His wife jumped, startled at his sudden awakening. “Bar Hashem,” she clapped. “Blessed is the Lord who makes miracles happen every day. Don’t shake your head, Yankel. You have tubes in your nose. Hannah come quick. Your father is alive.”
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His daughter approached cautiously, holding a barbecued chicken drumstick in her hand. “May Hashem grant you a full and speedy recovery,” she mumbled in Yiddish while staring at her shoes. She spotted a piece of barbecued God on her blouse, picked it off with her fingers, and popped into her mouth. Morgenstern groaned and passed out.
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Friday afternoon, he was back home in his very own bed. He had decided to put off telling his family about Chicken until he was out of the hospital. He would tell him tonight as they gathered around the Sabbath table. He would speak to them the word of Chicken, and they would be freed, maybe jump in the car afterwards, catch a movie.
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When the sun had finally set, and the Sabbath had finally arrived, Morgenstern pulled himself into his wheelchair, took a deep breath, and rolled himself into the dining room. His wife had set the table with the good tablecloth, the good silverware, and the good glasses. He watched her light the good Sabbath candles, covering her face with her hands and silently praying to a god who wasn’t there.
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“Please hear my blessings,” she prayed to nobody. She’d have had better luck with a handful of scratch, thought Morgenstern. Maybe some cut up apple. She turned to him with love in her eyes. “Got tsu danken,” she said in Yiddish. “Thank God.” She came to him, knelt beside his wheelchair, and hugged him. “I have to tell you something,” he said. “I know,” she sobbed into the good napkin. “I know.” “I don’t think you do.”
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He rolled away from her. “When I was dead,” said Morgenstern, “I met God.” “We all meet God every day,” said his wife, “if only we know where to look.” “No, exclaimed Morgenstern, “you’re not listening. How do you think I got back here?” he asked her. “Who else but the All-Merciful would send you back to me?” She replied. He could take no more. “Who?” shouted Morgenstern as he wheeled himself around to the head of the table. “I’ll tell you who.”
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The loud voices attracted the children. And they gathered slowly around the Sabbath table. “Let me tell you a little something about your All Knowing. Let me tell you a little something about your All Merciful.” Morgenstern looked from Shmuel to Yonah to Meyer to Rivka to Dovid to Hannah to Deena to Leah to little Yichezkel. The children were all showered, their hair neatly combed, and dressed in their finest Sabbath clothes. She looked at his wife. She was wearing his favorite wig.
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“Children,” he began. “God,” he said, “is,” he continued, “a,” he added.
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The light from the Sabbath candles flickered in the eyes of his children. Little Meyer was wearing a brand new yarmulke and couldn’t stop fidgeting with it. Shmuel held a handful of Torah notes from his rabbi he would read after the meal. And the girls would be looking forward to singing their favorite Sabbath songs. “God is a what?” Asked little Hannah.
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He couldn’t do it. “God,” Morgenstern said to his children, “is a merciful God.” His wife came to his side. “He is the God of our forefathers,” he continued. “Blessed is God, who in his mercy restores life to the dead.”
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The children cheered. Morgenstern closed his eyes and hugged his children tightly. His wife bent over and kissed him gently on his forehead. “May his kindness shine down on us forever,” she whispered. She smiled then, went into the kitchen, and brought out the soup. Chicken.
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by Shalom Auslander [Note: This douchebag is a Liberal Joo who loves Hillary, so I wouldn’t waste my time clicking on his Joo website, even though more often than not he is funny as shit. Really funny]— Here
BONUS: Here’s a 4 minute video. He’s not very well liked by his fellow Joos, the observant kind … because of his hilarious and witty irreverence of Judaism.
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I can hardly wait to see the comments this piece inspires!
Good handicapping.
I see why God is a chicken – in the early parts of the vid Foreskin’s Lament, you see these people at the Wailing Wall (correct name?) and others behind them, all bobbing their heads like CHICKENS.
WTF is that with bobbing their heads? How does stupidity creep into acceptance by humans? If you don’t bob your head (like a chicken), you will not be saved – you will go to hell and someone else will receive the 72 Virgins originally destined for YOU.
I remember we couldn’t eat meat on Friday – WTF!!! I hated those nasty Fishsticks; had to use a lot of condiments to get that shit down. It was a SIN to eat meat on Friday (Mortal Sin??? – I forget). Later on, they changed the rule. So, did God (the Chicken) return those from HELL for eating meat on FRIday???
While it’s hard to believe that God’s a chicken, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility for One who is the Alpha and Omega. What I do find hard to believe though, is a jew going to Heaven.
What I think has happened is that he’s gone to Hell, and the devil, being the father of lies, has convinced old Yankel that he’s not only God, but a chicken to boot.
kokoda: They’re doing more than bobbing their heads, they’re copulating with satan. Here’s Brother Nathanael explaining what’s going at the ‘wailing wall’, which is actually the wall of a Roman fort.
(4 mins or so, specifics at begin at 2:30ish):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94rcOVJBMYQ
“…they’re copulating with satan.” Funny, I didn’t see “Satan” in the video; just a wall.
Anybody else think that Bro Nate looks like a white-bearded, bespectacled Kid ‘N Play? I mean check out that bitchin’ brimless stovepipe hat.
This would pretty much explain why EVERYTHING tastes like chicken.
He said, “I am that I am”………NOT “Iam a chicken”.
Two pieces about chicken on the same page. A coincidence, divine intervention or some sort of fowl conspiracy?
There is always a place for chicken. And bunny.
That’s so witty.
Roast Chicken My favourite!
Ed’s head is going to explode when he reads this….
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I haven’t wanted to mention my two new litters of kits.
Stucky
The entertainment value you bring to the site is high. I gotta say, though, this piece was boring and stupid and way below your usual fare. I still love you, though.
I didn’t write it.
I thought is was very very funny. Maybe you need to personalize it …. suppose when YOU die and go to heaven YOU discover that God is a chicken. You don’t think that’s funny?? You’d have to toss out your entire theological beliefs; to me that’s funny as shit.
Oh well, can’t please all the folks all the time.
I know you didn’t write it. If you had, it probably would have been genuinely funny. As it is, it’s just clever.
Tell me, where is the line between humor and blasphemy? I am not trying to be flippant or give you a hard time. That is a legit question I have. I don’t doubt for a minute that God has a sense of humor. Maybe he enjoys a good joke at his expense, or maybe he has compassion on the one who tells it because he or she doesn’t yet grasp who he really is. I dunno.
Maybe chickens have a sense of humour Gayle.
Those are my thoughts exactly Gayle. There will be no jokes like this when they stand before him. It just shows how much He loves the world when He does not smoke them. But, blesses them instead. Though I must admit I got a chuckle or two from the article and a couple of the comments.
Irreverence is the right word for it but should be expected from a person who rejects Jesus. Because the fear(reverrence) of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
Blessings:-}
Stucky….this is a great post and I was laughing all the way through.
Women just seem to have a different sense of humor.
And it answers the question,”What came first, the chicken or the egg.” If God is a chicken, then the chicken came first.
Which, by the way, equates with Scripture, because god created the animals, fully adult, just as he created fully adult humans. He said replenish the earth and the eggs came later.
Why would any true believer deny God the ability to laugh at Himself (or Herself, whatever)?
What does OMNIPOTENT mean to you?
Why would anyone at all deny that God has a sense of humor?
The rhinoceros, the platypus, several dozen ocean creatures from lobsters to hammerhead sharks, ….
The legislature of any Western democracy, hell, Western governments in general ….
The daily lives of nearly anyone ….
What I find even more likely is that God created the universe and went off for a long nap afterwards .. leaving the shop in the capable hands of Loki, Kokopelli and Coyote (the Trickster deities)!
“Tell me, where is the line between humor and blasphemy?” —- Gayle
Quite a good question, actually.
Ask 10 people, you’ll probably get 10 different answers.
For example, ask kooky Edwitness and he’ll tell you that it’s anything other than saying God is a super duper, awesome, terrific, swell guy. And probably even referring to God as “guy” is blasphemy. He’s a hypersensitive little weenie. The highly reverent Joos won’t even write the word God ….. preferring G-d, instead.
On the other extreme are people like me who think God can handle anything mere humans say, and he really doesn’t give a shit. (Although that would be hard to prove from the Bible. In fact, in the OT, G-d will kill you for looking at him cross-eyed.)
There is a huge problem with the moral of the story. One that if followed would lead to the destruction of the individual eternally.
Because it is better to tell the truth about eternal things because you really love someone, than to hide the truth from them about eternal things because you love them.
Blessings:-}
So ….. why not see what the Bible says it is?
No, I’m not going to do a Bible Study. I will, however, point you to an invaluable resource; a concordance.
Couple quick observations;
— the word ‘blasphemy’ only occurs twice in the OT, and twelve time in the NT. Considering how fond Christians (like, Edwitness) are of accusing non-Christians (like, me) of BLASPHEMY!!, you must admit, 14 occurrences is precious few.
— in the NT about half the time the word is used, it is used to accuse ….. Jesus!!
— as bad as a sin as it supposedly is … ALL blasphemy can be forgiven; except “blasphemy against the Holy Spirit”, and good luck figuring out what THAT is (except I’m sure know-it-all Edwitness will have an answer.)
— lastly, and most importantly, Jesus pretty much defines what blasphemy is;
“‘You blaspheme,’ because I said,’I am the Son of God?'” — John 10:36
Not believing Jesus is the Son of God is blasphemy.
Here’s the full study on blasphemy; http://biblehub.com/topical/b/blasphemy.htm#cnc
1. You cropped that sentence to suit your purpose:
“…then what about the One whom the Father sanctified and sent into the world? How then can you accuse Me of blasphemy’ for stating that I am the Son of God?”
2. You can’t make an image of god unto yourself, neither golden calf nor white chicken:
“No one has seen the Father except the one who is from God; only he has seen the Father.”
This is a cute “4th grade” story to make fun of religious doctrines that most people accept as from God but are really from men. He’s saying a chicken might as well be God given there is so much official religious doctrinal doo-doo; and he realizes he has as much chance of educating people of that as we do of converting homos, commies, dopers, abortionist, Muslims etc to the Truth (which even he doesn’t know yet). It is technically blasphemy but Jesus pointed out many precepts of man that were not from God too (and the Truth which resulted in His Crucifixion). Jesus probable got a chuckle from this parable too.
Something else to consider (which might prove both interesting AND controversial perhaps??)
1. Sandberg’s “The Physics of Information Processing Superobjects: Daily Life amongst the Jupiter Brains”
( http://diyhpl.us/~bryan/papers2/The%20physics%20of%20information%20processing%20superobjects%20-%20Anders%20Sandberg%20-%201999.pdf )
2. “The Last Question” (Isaac Asimov, 1956) http://multivax.com/last_question.html
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Imagine the look on Ed’s face when he gets to gate and finds out God is a Chicken. Loving and merciful Poultry. Then stopped and questioned by Colonel Sanders seated at the left hand of the all-Flighty Father.
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A Giant Chicken in the clouds!
The eternal mystery of 11 herbs and Spices!
A Prophet who travelled spreading the good news of Fried Chicken.
Next time I am at KFC for a 5 dollar fill up I might bow my head and pray. That way I can be with God on the cheap.
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What about the look on Maggie’s face when she gets there and finds out God is a wascally wabbit?
That was a terrible thing to say. Now, I shall have to bring out the Holy Hand Grenade.
“He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.” Psalm91:4
Blessings:-}
Aw shit, now look what you did to Edwitness! Another bible thumper backsliding onto the TBP slew of sin.
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I think it is a great that God is a giant Chicken in the Clouds.
11 spices and herbs ones up those arcane 10 commandments as well.
Just need to add the Book of Looney Tunes to Bible.
https://youtu.be/T3YK95jW5p0
I’m going to watch those videos, Phil.
Stucky: you might enjoy checking out The Bible Project videos (thebibleproject.com). They do brief (7-8 min.) overviews of every book, creating a graphic organizer as they do so. I think you would find the one on Leviticus quite interesting. The guys doing these won’t preach at you so you should be comfortable.
On the home page, go to All Videos, then scroll down to Old Testament videos, then find Leviticus.
I’d like to recommend Gary North’s book “Moses and Pharaoh.” This is the best book I’ve read for understanding the Old Testament, which also explains a lot of the New Testament.
It’s as big as a Bible itself, but, boy, is it packed with information. Explains an awful lot.
You know, I could never understand why God would harden Pharaoh’s heart and keep delaying the leaving of his people. Well, North explained it so adequately I wondered why I was never taught this information in Sunday School or church.
And I recommend following up with the Bible Series. If you want to know why marriage is called “the institution of marriage,” read the books.
By the way, Gary North has a multi-volume book set on his website — I think it’s called “Capitalism and the Bible.” Free to read. Because capitalism is a Biblical concept.
“You know, I could never understand why God would harden Pharaoh’s heart and keep delaying the leaving of his people. ” ——— Vic
Not every one has the time and/or desire to read Gary North. Now, since you read it, how about you tell us the answer? I’d really like to know.
“Because capitalism is a Biblical concept.” ——- Vic
The last book of the Bible was written about 2,000 years ago. The earliest date for the beginning of capitalism is about the 14th century.
Why did it take 1,400 years for capitalism to arise?
Can you make a case for capitalism solely from scripture, and without reading into verses what you want them to mean? I don’t think you can.
OTOH, you would have a MUCH easier time trying to support the idea that the Bible, especially the NT, is a form of socialism, or even communism.
2Thes.3:10- “For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.”
Acts5:4- “Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.”
These are not the principles of socialism.
In these passages and others we find that the scriptures do not encourage communalism. The church acts as a conduit for charity. Not by force or coercion as socialist gov’ts and communes do. But, by the Holy Spirit leading a free man to give willingly who owns his own property.
Blessings:-} stucky
Ed – Well put. Back in the day the church was the center of charity and help for the indigents. But alas today’s charities are a smoke screen for the usual suspects and the forced shakedown government style is the answer to the poverty class. One in five workers have a government job due to this shift.
Thank you B,
That’s also why Pres Johnson created the 501c3. He accomplished two things. One was to put the church’s speech under the boot heel of the gov’t.
The other was to make any organization that the gov’t so deemed a charitable org. Successfully dislodging the church from it’s and the family’s traditional role as the distributor of charity. In order to enlarge the presence of the welfare state. Making the US a more socialist country.
Blessings:-}