What is the best line you ever heard in real life?
“As God is my witness, I did NOT steal that outhouse!”
Question of the Day, Jan 18
What is the best line you ever heard in real life?
“As God is my witness, I did NOT steal that outhouse!”
You can ignore the facts but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring the facts.
“Will we be mourning for the president at home or will we just kind of be moping around the hallways here at work?”
Asked of the squadron commander of the 963d AWACS at Commander’s call when the Colonel announced Congress had declared the next Monday a day of mourning for the recently deceased President Nixon.
Yes. I asked and made even the stern commander laugh. No step promotion, but put me in good standing with a very well-connected leader. He retired after the UN helicopter shootdown when AWACS got Wanged.
Ah, that was a bit more than one line. I digress.
“Children just aren’t going to know what snow is”
Dr David Viner, a senior research scientist at the climatic research unit (CRU) of the University of East Anglia
(a senior scientist of ClimateGate fame)
A hard-drinking friend recalled how during sex he was asked by the woman, “do you know where you’re at?” To which he replied, “huh?” And she said “you’re in my butt”. That’s one of my faves.
Only a great line in context: One of my buddies from AWACS days was a Don Juan character who always ended up with a bed partner when we went out for beers after a flight while TDY. When I asked him how his “date” went the next day, he turned red and told me he discovered she had false teeth when he awoke and saw them in a glass by the hotel nightstand. He rolled his eyes at his own sluttiness and said “However, it may have been the best blowjob I’ve ever had.”
A great line by a favorite pilot back in my flying days (Before takeoff, safety reminders to remove rings from fingers are standard): “Everyone needs to remember to remove all your jewelry before entering the aircraft, especially your wedding rings because after wheels up, no one is married anyway.”
warning ladies–xxx
Iska,
I had a similar “where am I ” experience but in a different area.
I was 18 or 19,not a virgin but very inexperienced,and drunk as a coot.
I met a girl in a bar who,to be conservative,was big enough to have played in the NFL.
We wound up in the back of my buddy’s truck,which had a topper.
I was happily going to town when she said,”Uh,I don’t think you’re in the right place.”
I was in a sweaty fold of fat having a good ol’ time.Best time I’ve ever had!
I did not have sexual relations with that woman…It depends on what the meaning of is is…You can keep your doctor…We have to pass it to see what it says…I do not view Trump as a legitimate President…Trump voters are a basket of Deplorables…An embryo is just tissue…God is dead…Islam is the religion of peace.
+100
When my younger son was three, we got him one of those Fisher Price doctor kits. I was sitting in a chair, reading, when he walked up with the little plastic syringe and jabbed me in the arm. I said “Thanks, doc,” and as he was walking away, without even turning around, he said, “Oh, I’m not a doctor…”
I was not doing anything with that hooker officer, She has a penis.
My grandfather, Bushrod Rust Brown, was credited by many people in his community for a quiet dignity. He spoke genteelly, sometimes quoting relevant passages from Pilgrim’s Progress. A very educated farmer.
A quote immortalized in numerous homes written in Calligraphy on oil-toned parchment.
“It takes many steps to reach a goal, even backward ones have value.” Bushrod Rust Brown, descended from the Brown’s of Brown’s Cove, Virginia.
Really. Supposedly, Benjamin Brown and James Madison were neighbors and friends and, of course, family legend includes the Brown ancestors in midnight chats about liberty with Jefferson.
I actually spent the night on the porch of Brightberry Brown’s home there when I was a young lass. My Aunt Martha (I am actually Martha squared) thought it would be an experience I would never forget and since she was friends with the current owners, she took me there to see the cove and we spent the night listening to the same noises in the mountain forest that our ancestors heard at night.
I’ve never forgotten that step backward, Aunt Martha.
Years ago, I took a temporary job in order to pay some bills. As two of my co-workers and I were commiserating, a successful looking dude drives up in a new truck and walks into the building. It turned out that one of my co-workers knew the guy and so he left us to go speak with him.
After talking with him a while, my coworker then returns to our miserable little bitchfest and my other co-worker asks: “Who was that?”
To which the second co-worker replied: “Just someone I used to work with.”
“What does he do now?” the first co-worker asked.
The second co-worker answered: “He builds snowplows, I think.”
At that, the first co-worker looked forlornly out the window, watched the successful-appearing guy drive away in his new truck, and says:
“Snowplows? I could build a fucken’ snowplow.”
Best. Line. Ever.
No kidding. What do you need… a good scoop and away to raise it and lower it. Great line.
If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor.
This won’t hurt. You’ll feel just a little pin prick.
Politician: “Well we just need a little more investment (aka more taxes)”
I also took a part time job to pay some bills. The employer asked what I do. I said that I do odd jobs. OK, he said, and he gave me a list of ten things to do. So, I did #1, #3, #5, #7, and #9.
another laugh out loud…
kind of rare these days!
Suzanna
I’ve said it here before but it’s still my favorite. Should be TBP motto:
“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it in the dictionary, right between shit and syphilis.”
Thanks dad.
That must be a dad thing mine said it too. My kids dont whine so I dont get to use it much.
3rd lol!
“Did you see me wreck my God Damn police car !?!”
I’d like to hear the backstory to that one.
I told my son that the secret to getting ahead at his work is to always leave the customer wanting more. He promptly lost his job. I had no idea he was working at a suicide hotline.
A guy where I used to work never had a bad thing to say about anyone. As long as I can remember he only had good things to say about every person he was asked about. One day after a particularly worthless individual had been working with our hero for about a month someone asked him what he thought about mister worthless. He hesitated for a few seconds and then he said, “I guess he would be okay if you had something heavy to lift.”
I must be dense, I do not understand half of these postings.
“you’re in my butt” means that my friend was drunkenly, accidentally boning her in the butt instead of the cooter.
Accidentally, huh???
A Yale Law Professor, upon looking out the window and seeing a young William O.Douglas walking off with his push mower, reportedly said, “the most moral man in the world just stole my lawn mower.”
Had a guy used to walk around the job site at lunch everyday asking guys if he could have their soda can when they were finished. One guy with a mouth full of sandwich reaches in his pocket, gives the guy a quarter and says “Here. Now leave me alone for 5 days, will ya?”
In January 1938 the gossip columnist Erskine Johnson published an article filled with quotations from Hollywood figures. He ascribed an extended version of the joke to the singer and comedian Fanny Brice:
Fannie Brice: “Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.”
I was walking through town one day and a local beggar asked me “can I have a dollar, I’m trying to walk across town.” I looked at her, smiled, and said “You don’t need a dollar, walking across town is free!”
1) One night after partying at my frat house I took a young lady back to my apartment . After a bit we went into the bedroom and ended up undressed . Just as I was about to get started she stopped me and said, ” I can’t do this..it has to mean something ” . I told it it will mean something…it means you’ll have to walk back to the dorm by yourself. She laughed and it all worked out .
2) My then 5 year old nephew was acting up one day while I was watching him and his brother . After a while I told him, ” Wyatt if you don’t behave I’m going to grab you by the ankles,turn you upside down and shake the change out of your pockets ” . He looked at me and said” Uncle Rick I don’t have any change in my pockets ” .
3 ) This happened a few weeks ago . I was out with some friends having lunch . Their little boy is smart as a whip. I asked him ” Bryce when will you turn 5 ” ? He looked at me and said. ” On my next birthday ” ! Nothing like getting owned by a 5 year old .
At Christmas my friends’ Dad always told him “Those who expect nothing shall not be disappointed.”
My Dad was running a woods crew and a howling winter blizzard came up, one of the old grizzled lumberjacks turned to my Dad and said, “I hope the old lady has the dog in.”
My dad always had a big smile on his face when he related this story and said he let them all go home shortly after the old guy made his point.
Many years back I was standing beside the highway in the middle of nowhere trying to hitchhike across South Dakota. A police car pulled up and stopped, the local sheriff got out, walked over to me and asked me, “Are you the dead guy who was lying beside the road?”
Seems someone reported a body beside the road and the Sheriff thought maybe it had been me. It wasn’t.
well…this is not laughter inducing…
“America is a free country”
I did not have sexual relations with that woman
Read my lips, no new taxes
I am not a crook
If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor
Weapons of mass destruction
I invented the internet
I landed under heavy fire
Russia is an immimnent threat
I could actually go on with the politicians one liner lies pretty much forever. All are beauts.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman
my first exact thought … classic!!!
One ‘ah shit!’ wipes out the last 10 ‘atta boy!’
I heard this attributed to W. C. Fields, “I don’t drink water because fish fuck in it.” I still enjoy using this line when someones asks me if I want water, but only in certain company.
Bob.
Using that (funny) logic — birds fuck in the air, so shouldn’t you stop breathing?
“let me introduce you to my boyfriend.”
Some years ago at a Fabulous Fords Forever car show at Knotts Berry Farm my young son, my best friend and I were admiring a 34 Ford that had a very nicely constructed cover over the engine, disguising the engine’s make. I looked under the car to see and said “Small block Chevy”. My young son, innocent as could be, and knowing that both my friend and I are staunch Ford fans said “Is that why they covered it up?”.
It’s for the children.
I attended my wife’s childhood friend’s birthday party for her son. I was looking at the 20 pizzas stacked high on the table and moved in to help distribute them to the kids’ tables.
So, I asked her, “Do any of these pizzas have toppings on them?” To which she replied with a completely serious straight face, “Toppings? Toppings!? What do you think this is, a fiesta?”
i am so poor i can not pay attention
I just want to be treated like an illegal alien.
I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look!
If it doesn’t fit, force it, if it breaks it needed to be replaced anyways.
And the ultimate: It’s for the children!
My credit is so bad they won’t even take my cash!
A trucker I know was stopped for speeding. The state trooper asked him what he was hauling, to which my friend replied, ” I was hauling ass before you stopped me!”
The trooper pulled off his sunglasses and glared, then burst out laughing and sent him off with a warning.
My buddy got pulled over in the camaro doing 135. The cop asked ” 135 mph. Let me see your pilots license. “. “Whats this?”. My pilots license. Buddy flies a boeing. Cop let us go.
Dad took me for a driving lesson right after i got my learners permt, we were stoped at an intersection on a side road and could see a guy coming way too fast, like 50 in a 25.
My dad told me to wait for the guy to pass and said “You got to keep your eyes out for these fucking clowns.”
The dodge Omni flies past and the driver was literally dressed as a clown, probably late for a kids b-day or something.
I had to put it in neutral for a little while bc we were laughing so hard.
Hey harry! Ha! That is my first good laugh of the day. Thanks! 🙂
My then 11 year old daughter to her friend who was struggling to roller skate, and complaining that her skating sucked, “That’s okay, sucking is the first step on the way to being good at something.”
Same daughter, on the occasion of her first (non-training wheeled) bike ride, “you know, it’s really not hard, you just have to believe you can do it.”
My friend, having been pulled by the PD for a stop-light burnout, “I’m really sorry officer, my left foot slipped off the clutch”. To which the cop replied “well, if your right foot hadn’t been all the way to the floor you wouldn’t be getting a ticket.”
And from my Dad (RIP), “God Dammit, Tommy, stop talking like the man with the paper asshole!”
First quote: “Ambition has a price and greed a short term memory.”
Second quote: “If I leave Manhattan, they’ll give me a lobotomy.”
Iska Waran says:
A hard-drinking friend recalled how during sex he was asked by the woman, “do you know where you’re at?” To which he replied, “huh?” And she said “you’re in my butt”. That’s one of my faves.
No, shit. Was his name Bushrod R. Brown?
That was indeed mean. But, I deserve it, I suppose. He was a nice man and you really are disgusting, EC.
You had me at Bushrod.
I never said your grammpaw wasn’t a great man.