Stucky QOTD: Copfuks and Coons

Yesterday, two copfuks showed up at our door. Because I murdered a raccoon.

So, I’m sitting on this lovely deck overlooking this lovely English garden-like property on a Friday morning composing a faaaabulous porn QOTD.

Suddenly I hear a clatter, or was it chatter, coming from the small coy pond, and I stand up to inspect the matter.

There, to my horror, I see three huge fucking racoons swimming in that pond like it’s their own goddamned private bathroom.

Now, this pisses me off because, like coons everywhere, dey ain’t paying no rent. It pisses off our landlord because those big fat free shitters actually live in the attic, and they’ve caused damage to this Historic Home, and all their attempts to get rid of them hitherto have failed. Time to take matters in my own hands.

So, I run to the basement in hopes of finding the proper removal instrument. I found a four foot length of 2×4. That should work. It did, sort of.

The coons must have sensed my evil intentions upon them, for when I reappeared two of them were nowhere to be found. The third one decided to climb the nearby pine tree. Big mistake. He, or she, decided to only climb up about six feet, and hide on the opposite side of the pond, with his little head peeping from behind the branch. Big mistake.

Afraid that he/she would climb out of reach if I approached slowly, I quickly ran to the spot, arms held high, and smacked that sonuvabitch freeloading varmint right on the noggin. It fell to the ground immediately. But, it wasn’t dead. So, I smacked it a few more times. I did this with a good heart … I did NOT want this creature to suffer! But, lemme tell you; coons are HARD to kill!! So, I found a good sized rock nearby … I’m guessing 20+ pounds, and smashed it upon his head. This worked … after the second smashing. From the clubbing to the smashing, it took about one grisly minute.

One of the other tenants saw this. Not sure who, but I suspect it was the vegan chick (a very nice lady, really) from the 3rd floor. Whoever it was, called the cops. They showed up two days later. This huge delay isn’t giving Ms Freud much confidence should I decide to go apeshit on … oh, nevermind.

The copfuks, both kneegrows, gave me the impression that they really didn’t want to deal with this bullshit. After all, there were two murders in this town the last couple of months, both unsolved … and wouldn’t it look patently ridiculous to solve a raccoon murder while human murderers still roamed free? Yes, it would.

Nevertheless, I discovered that killing varmints is against the law, and I would be subject to arrest. So, “Did I kill Rocky Raccoon?”. Well, as it so happens, I watch a lot of “Law & Order”, and I know they can’t do jack-shit without, A) a murder weapon, or B) a body. The murder weapon is hidden, and the body has been disposed. So, I said, “Racoon? I don’t know nothing about no racoon!”.

And thus, the investigation ended peacefully without further incident … in less time than it took to kill the little fucker in the first place. However, I think they’re keeping an eye on me as I’ve seen them casing this joint in a slow drive by a couple times since. So, even though I saw both remaining coons AGAIN this morning, I did not kill them. I can’t risk getting ass raped by a coon in the local jail cuz of a coon swimming in mah coy pond. I was born at night … but not last night.

Q1: Am I a bad person for what I did? (Killing the coon … not lying to the copfuks.)

Q2: Regardless, would YOU have called the cops on me?

Q3: Any copfuk stories you can share which you personally experienced?

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Author: Stucky

I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. View all posts by Stucky