“Everyone who wants to grow up, sooner or later sits down and has a chat with Satan. Or they never grow up.”
—— Amos Maple, Down From Ten
Every good story ever written, and every good movie ever produced, MUST have a protagonist. Otherwise, you got Bupkus. We know from Genesis that “good” and “bad” only made sense when Evil made its grand entrance.
Before the hero can achieve his destiny, he has to face himself and defeat the darkness in his own heart. Because only the worthy may pass to accomplish the Greater Good.. Someone has to put the hero to the test and make sure that he has the character necessary to see things through.
Enter Satan, the baddest badass of them all.
It is only the protagonist who truly knows the hero’s dark side better than the hero himself — and is determined to make sure the hero sees it, as well. Without the Devil, Jesus is just another milquetoast itinerant preacher trolling the dusty plains of Palestine. No wonder, then, that Jesus’ ministry got started with Conversations With Satan. It wasn’t so much a Temptation, as it was a Challenge; — “So, you think you have what it takes to be God, do ya?“. It is here where we are introduced, by Satan, as Jesus being the Son of God. Street cred! The itinerant preacher becomes Jesus Christ Superstar!
So, why haven’t YOU done likewise? Don’t you want to be the best you can be? Don’t you want to face your demons, and in doing so, becoming a better person?
Listen up. Eve, Job, David, and a host of others — including Jesus, as we’ve just seen, and even Father God in heaven — have conversed with Satan!! NONE of them were condemned … no, not for just speaking with the Shining Star!
Neither will you be.
Let me help you get started.
————————– –
“Know this. Only the worthy may enter here!” — Alladin
Listen, this is serious stuff and if you don’t take it seriously, you won’t like the fucken results. Your very life could be forfeited if you fuck up. Be serious, or get the hell outta here. You can’t just plop your fat ass on the couch, munching on Debbie’s Devil Food snacks, while watching Dancing With Demons. Even the Devil wants a little respect. Ya gotta be worthy. Its not difficult, however.
1. Set the mood. Doesn’t have to be elaborate. Demons actually don’t give a fuck. It’s really to prepare YOUR mind. So, get some candles, some incense, granola bars, maybe draw a circle or Pentagram around you, turn down the lights, and turn off the damned teevee. Quiet humming helps. Just don’t hum “Amazing Grace”.
2. Stop fondling yourself.
3. Set expectations in your mind. This is key. You’re gonna get what you expect! If you picture Satan as a red-horned prick who wants to fry your fat ass, then that’s what you’ll get. You might not survive to tell the tale! If you have a positive attitude about Satan, you’ll get satisfactory results. The reason being, of course, is because all the action takes place in your subconscious mind. Really. That’s where Satan lives. Probably right next to Jesus.
4. Perform the Invocation. Don’t freak out. Invocation is from the Latin verb invocare, and simply means “to call on, invoke”. Every prayer to Jesus is an invocation. This time you’re just changing the object of the invocation. No biggie. And, here it is… the money shot … the phrase that can change your life forever;
“RENICH TASA UBERACA BIASA ICAR, LUCIFER.”
Visualize it. The energy. The feeling. Breathe calmly. Empty your mind. Be open to the small still voice stirring in your soul. At this time only, you may resume fondling yourself. Keep repeating the phrase softly until you hear his voice, because you will.
5). Then ask Satan whatever the fuck you want. He actually answers invocations. Unlike you-know-who. He might answer, he might not. Just like you-know-who.
6). When done, immediately write down what you learned. Share it with your brothers and sisters on TBP. Don’t be flippant … serious stuff only please.
I am proud to say that I did make contact with The Horned One this cold as hell Sunday morning. I learned four things:
— 1) Satan is pretty damned sick and tired about being blamed every damned time humans fuck things up. Said he only wishes he had that kind of power.
— 2) He loves bb. Because bb also quotes Scripture, even more than Satan himself.
— 3) He thinks AWB is a real dick. Says he’s gonna throw a helluva Welcome Home party for AWB.
— 4) He appreciates Yojimbo assisting him with the Joo Problem.
— 5) He said that one of his favorite emissaries, the Demon of Bullshit, is afraid of losing his job to Donald Trump.
Well, that’s all, friends. I hope you all have a chance to speak with The Adversary this morning, and share your findings.
I Pray I offended no one. Yours in Odin …
BLESSINGS!!!
.
.
He tried to convince me he did not exist. He smiled at how easy it is to persuade the uncommitted.
Yeah. About that.
IF that Satan’s strategy … HOW would you know? Did you ask Him? Did He tell you?
IF that’s his strategy … highly doubtful … then He’s doing a shitfuk job of it. Isn’t he??
How many people on Earth DON’T know about Satan? 1 percent? Less?
Results of a Bing search;
—– Jehovah …. 20,300,000 hits
—– Satan ……… 30,200,000
Looks like Jehovah is keeping himself secret better than Satan! Fact, baby. Fact.
Lastly, for a creature who supposedly craves worship and adoration … does it even make sense for Him to keep Himself a secret? Of course, not.
I win!
“IF that Satan’s strategy … HOW would you know? Did you ask Him? Did He tell you?”
I concede stocky, you win. deal with it. I did not ask him his strategy nor did he tell me. Perhaps you will pontificate about it. I answered your question as best I could. If you do not like my answers then do not ask the question.
I think it is because of the same reason a caduceus has two snakes and wings on the staff that I am open to dialogue, not a demagogue.
“a recognized symbol of commerce and negotiation, two realms in which balanced exchange and reciprocity are recognized as ideals.”
I don’t recall asking you specifically anything.
Your answer is fine. If you can’t handle people responding to your answer, the don’t respond.
I would have guessed that you might have regaled us with personal stories; how you were there when the bright and morning star was ejected from heaven, and then had lunch with him the day Jesus died, and other such fables as you enjoy fascinating us with.
Thanks for that comment!!!!
New age bunk thinking.
Retarded comment.
Blow me.
You’re saying your comment is retarded by labeling it as such?
I agree.
Stuckster,
Come back from the dark side and stay away from the edge–it’s too easy to slide off.
Satan talks to us everyday and unfortunately,most of us listen so don’t deliberately invite him in.
Well, I certainly don’t talk to Satan every day!
This AM was my first ever incantation using the magical phrase I provided. He has a high pitched voice, like Mike Tyson. Talks too fast. Not big on small talk. But rambles like KeyserSusie on steroids. Enormous schlong. Overall, an underwhelming experience. I’ll probably take your advice.
Although I think it’s always a good thing to keep dialog open with the Adversary.
Is the schlong barbed? I heard it’s barbed.
Sage advice. I have recited my baptismal promises on occasion, one of which is given in response to the question, do I reject the glamour of evil, and refuse to be mastered by sin. From a certain point of view, evil is glamorous, since it seems less boring than good. But evil is the most constant part of the human experience , and imho, invoking demons or entering into conversations with them, even as a joke, is dangerous. It can end badly.
Thank You Stucky , It’s nice to know someone else in this universe loves me. I’ll add Satan to the list . Let’s see That’s Satan ,my mom and little bb. Damn ,now I’m depressed.Only 3 people truly love me . One’s a cat and the other is the ?.
C’mon, I love ya, bb. Sometimes.
we all love you bb but the family is much more relaxed when you’re out on the road as opposed to being close by–
let’s make it thru thanksgiving weekend and then i’m sure you’ll be back on the road & the family can breathe a great big sigh of relief–
i think you’re gonna enjoy that new route they’re giving you between n.carolina and n.jersey–
remember,if you get snowbound on the new route there are lots of tbpers in penn. and nj.,i’m sure if you just show up on their doorstep they’ll take you in–
He said, who are you to claim to know the mind of god. Who are you to place limitations of his power.
I AM. Stucky, Slayer of Silly Stories.
I challenge God to a duel!!
Will He show up? Hasn’t so far …..
Are you sure about that?
You seem to appear as though someone who has and lost.
I am alive.
God is dead.
So, who lost?
The one that is no longer here in, say, a hundred years.
Ha! You think you got me, don’t you dude, or dudette? But, you fell into my trap.
I got news for you. I will live forever in one of those infinite universes with infinite possibilities. In at least ONE of them (cuz infinity is a yuge place), I live FOREVER! Game. Set. Match.
Or, Ms Freud will take a picture of me, slap me between two panes of indestructible glass, and I’ll live in Flatland forever.
Either way, Stucky is eternal!
Sounds like you are describing heaven
Stuckers, did you not read the part where it says, let the dead bury their dead? Or the part where Paul says folks are dead in their sins? Like Peter Frampton, I only came alive a few years ago.
Alive in Christ
…When you were dead in your trespasses and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our trespasses, having canceled the debt ascribed to us in the decrees that stood against us. He took it away, nailing it to the cross!
“God is dead.”
You remain an agent provocateur that provides more entrainment than substance.
Thanks, keep up the good work.
As opposed to you, provider of neither entrainment [sic] or substance?
Listen bud, maybe possibly not in this article, but I have provided plenty of substance here before your sorry ass showed up. Call me when you’ve actually contributed even one original article. Punk.
Why Haven’t You Talked With Satan Today?
I have and I do……. he’s called “the devil’s advocate”
Funny thing about the “guy” downstairs.
He never wrote a book of instructions to follow by.
He never passes the “plate” around after talking.
He never takes credit for spinning vortexes over trailer parks.
He never tells me he loves me, and then does unspeakable things to me.
His contracts are very easy to understand.
All in all not a bad guy that gets a bad rep from “upstairs”
/sarc off
Amen!
He is too busy talking to everyone else.
I finished reading the instructions. Stumbled a bit on step two but eventually got to the incantation.
Well Boy Howdy!
If it was that simple I would have started doing it years ago.
A bit surprised actually. Satan isn’t that bad a guy. Who knew! A bit misunderstood but aren’t we all. Once he explained to me how things are everything made a whole lot moar sense. This heaven and hell, good vs bad, is just the empire of the mind performing a theological mindfuck of divide and conquer. After some reflection I was able to move beyond the binary and accept Lucifer for who he is and the best part is he ain’t selling anything.
He is just another dude with issues. Something one can relate too!
In the end it was decided to give peace a chance and hope that everyone would just get along. Sort of a Libertarian’s Theological Guide to the Universe.
I did ask him some questions about heaven and hell. Realizing that he has some bias in laying out the facts but ole Satan didn’t make out heaven as a fun place to be. I mean bouncing across clouds and plucking harps for an eternity with righteous theological twats sounds more like a punishment then any sort of reward.
Hell on the other hand promises a place that is hot, sticky and full of whores.
Whats not to like! Whores a plenty and you don’t even have to buy them drinks! Left him saying I’d get back to him later about my final plans but did admit that it will likely be thanks but no thanks!
He was a bit disappointed but said he has gotten used to being rejected….
I did ask about Odin. He then started kicking rocks in the driveway. Eventually he admitted that Lord Odin was one of the baddest muthafuckas in eternity. Told me that since that time Odin banished the Ice Giants all the Dieties up there have given him a wide berth. Though in Gawd’s defence, as the Prince of Darkness explained, he is spending most of his days breaking up fights between Jesus and Mo over who should be on top.
Anyways interesting conversation all the same. He told me he likes this song.
One of his favs!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uvz-fYbFN_o
Yours from the Merciless Odin,
RiNS
Man, that’s some good stuff!
I loved this — “and the best part is he ain’t selling anything”. Ain’t that the truth. No, really, it is.
Of all the Deep Seekers here, I just knew that YOU would be The One to give the incantation a try. Yeah, as you saw, it really works. That’s the scary part. Don’t worry about Step 2, we all have problems with that one.
Just one favor. You seem to be on good speaking terms with Odin. Next time you guys talk you might consider asking him to make just one more big appearance. Do some spectacular shit. He’s been living off that Ice Monster victory for too many fucken years now. Oddly enough, people don’t even believe that story any more. Maybe he can come back and kill the Global Warming Monsters? And, Algore? His temples would be teeming with new followers.
Odinly Yours (PBUH)
Who needs satan when you have the insane, vengeful, pissed off storm god of the Old Testament –
Lord of the archons Yaldabaoth. Take refuge in Aeon Sophia.
From the Pleroma I came. To the Pleroma I shall return.
Gnostic Telesti
Jesus is very alive; He talks to a few people and saves many people from death daily; I believe He saved me from death at least twice and am certain it was Him on another occasion. There have been many written miracle of God testimonies over the last 2,000 years and some modern testimonies are on Youtube. We have free will and you can choose to associate with Satan but I want to be as far from him as I can get and I hope most of you choose likewise.
PS: If you like Satan, you had a happy home in the Federal government and as most business CEOs since 1964 (or earlier except for Reagan) and up to Trump now; that’s probably a lot of the reason TBTB hate Trump and are so determined and frantic to destroy him. TPTB are the same class of people that murdered JFK and supported LBJ and the cover-up; the same types that murdered Jesus. Ya’lls payday is going to be Hell.
I really don’t want to get into a deeper religious discussion here, especially with you.
But, you and Satan have much in common. Satan, The Accuser, always blames others. Just like you blame a certain “class of people “. But, that doesn’t include you, right? You’re sinless, apparently.
Listen dimwit, YOUR SINS murdered Jesus. The Jews (instigators) and Romans (actual executioners) were but tools to accomplish an end. That “end” would be Jesus dying for you … even if you were the only person to ever accept him, you self-righteous fool.
Not that I necessarily believe this, but it IS what the Bible teaches. You ought to read it sometime.
None of us murdered Jesus. I have heard Theology like that (whoever rejects Jesus murders Him but that blows my science circuits). I know you would not let someone live in your home that rejects your rules and Jesus is not going to let people into His Father’s Kingdom who reject Him. Satan won’t be able to do anything about that because he and his followers will be locked in Hell. It’s not to late for you to study the Gospel yourself, find the Lord’s simple Truths and get onto His Right Path.
Stucky, get off my cloud. To remove devil malware from your soul, call 1-800…-…. Bitcoins accepted.
“Why Haven’t You Talked With Satan Today?”
Stucky, I love the smell of shit stirring in the morning!
I’m gonna go with:
1. Because govt offices are closed today.
2. Because Satan isn’t real. He’s just a human construct of control to try and keep the weak minded on the straight and narrow.
It’s been a good long time since I read any of bb’s comments (years now in fact) and he’s rarely quoted anymore but I recall his holier than thou verbal diarrhea regarding jeebuz and agree that simps like him and AWB who continuously preach to others are generally more fucked up in the sin department than those that refrain from preaching.
You don’t have to draw the pentagram or do incantations. Like Chuck Norris, you don’t look for Satan, he finds you. He seems to have found YoBo. YoBo thinks Hogan’s Heroes is a documentary. The Nazis were nice, dammit!
I had a variation of the Young Goodman Brown plotline, the devil is in the details:
A man invites his friend over for dinner. His wife, a kind woman with simple tastes, works tirelessly in the home to feed her husband and guest. The guest tells the host, you’re a man of means, you could have a beautiful woman at your arm, I know plenty young women; charming, beautiful, with voices like angels and laughter like the sound of songbirds.
The host thinks on it for a night and soon agrees with his guest to meet these girls. One catches his fancy and soon he leaves his home to live with her.
Months later, broke and lost, he returns home. His erstwhile friend greets him. Wha? he manages to utter. My friend, don’t be surprised that I live here now, says his former guest. You left a good woman who not only keeps a good home but cooks her ass off and doesn’t ask for all the shit beautiful women demand just for putting up with you. What was I supposed to do after you so callously abandoned her to chase after your dick’s delight?
HEY, WHERE’S ALL THE HOLY FOLK??
I thin SSSSSAAAAAAATANNNNNN scurred ’em away!
A new secret weapon. Heh heh
Try posting 200 memes to pad your article and bump up the comment count like YoBo does.
Hmm, like the title House of 1000 corpses – Post of 1000 memes.
It could make history.
Talking to Satan is like talking to a pretty woman, all you’ll get is lies.
Did I tell you, Stuckeroo, of my oft-told dream of hell?
The intro is the scariest part: A group of folks descending on a stairwell, enveloped in darkness like a Nazi’s conscience, the folks descending meet a beautiful woman. They are terrified to the depths of their soul by her presence. Their terror makes her laugh.
EC- I think Stucky just implied you are gay. Blond denotes male, or has that changed?
In the bible, it isn’t the ‘poor’ baker that interprets dreams, the baker has his head chopped off. The part about lustful hearts is a good interpretation. Maybe in dreams I have had the beautiful blonde, I do feel like I need an exorcism of a morn.
Beautiful blonde is a euphemism I dropped in favor of beer bitch. Her laughter is like the raspy cackle of the old crone in room 237 of the Overlook.
Anyway, in the dream of hell, the woman at the bottom of the stairs checked her guest list, Virgil is unseen but he explains that the folks arriving had signed a compact. Their names were written in that contract. In it, they had traded their souls for worldly gains; fame, fortune and fornication. Alas, the time to pay the piper comes too soon.
Perhaps it isn’t the folks on TBP. Maybe it’s the Hollywood crowd.
The pride of such folks reminds me of the Puerto Rican saying: Praise thyself, chicken, for tomorrow you’ll fry.
Life isn’t fair, El.
You get 5 thumbs up for telling your dream.
I give what I believe was a pretty creative, and somewhat funny, interpretation by tying your dream to TBP. I get a thumbs down, and a lesson from you about the Baker. WTF? Why do I even bother trying to bring a smile to your face? I do not know the answer.
If I might just ask Your Holiness one question regarding my interpretation …. did you have wild fucking sex with the Beautiful Blond last night??
For the record, my wife is the sexy mulatta. Not the beer bitch. I can’t imagine having such pleasure handling saggy, sun-damaged skin. I appreciated that you inverted everything to get some juices flowing. As for thumbs, I get squat for stuff I enjoy writing and I get a dozen votes for throw-away lines. It’s like playing for a kid’s party at times. I feel your pain, bro.
You used to be a salesman, didn’t you have to adjust your clothing for the level of your customers? Around here, you have to dress like a used car salesman with all the flashy gold rings and cross on a chain. Happy sales!
EC
Ahhhh, all this time and I thought the ladies were one and the same.
For the record, if you keep tabs of such things, you ain’t getting down voted by me, even when you’re occasionally butt hurt. ?
I tried to post this pic of a young sexy mulatta –
Also, I don’t care about the down votes. Just so long as they get my name right on there prayer list, cause the bible says you have to pray for your enemies. I got a lot o’ praying to do for YoBo.
And that may be a good thing in that he inverted all reality.
The truth is that big dogs climb the stairs into the light.
And I definitely doubt that thing with that broad in that room.
EC
Did you know Moses had horns ? There are over 300 examples.
Good evening Stuck,
Just dropping a line before I go to sleep. You requested visitors so I thought I’d stop by. You’ve done some nice things to the place here, I almost feel at home.
Just got back from a men’s retreat held by a group of Christian churches and had a great time, talking, eating, singing, some dodge ball and time on a gun range; great stuff.
You want to talk about talking with Satan? I’ve enjoyed the posts so far, you really know how to stir up a commotion! My thoughts? I really don’t have any, you always seem to be in the mood for showing Christians the error of their ways and I’ve never felt the need to be a defender of the faith to others who make light of it; I believe the Bible stands on its own merits and there’s not much I can say that would make much difference anyway.
I’m good with that and also visiting with you, hope you are well and your fasting in preparation for a mother of all thanksgiving dinners, coming up in a few days. Live long and prosper, or whatever salutation you prefer; I genuinely hope you are living life to the fullest!
Oh, by the way, did you know Moses had horns? Fascinating stuff!
Nice. This joint could benefit from more believers like you.
“you always seem to be in the mood for showing Christians the error of their ways”
Fair enough. But, if I only posted how great this, that, and the other thing is … then all we would have is a circle jerk. My job is to stir the drink.
Even my fluff articles usually have a point … even though I !ay not reveal it.
Take this article for instance. I’ve been thinking about a recent article I submitted about most everything we know is imagined.
So, what do I (ME, not you/others) really know about Satan? I concluded I know nothing, except what the Bible says. But, the Bible was written by the winners. I know how that works. So, I thought … wouldn’t it be interesting and fascinating to talk directly with the source, the devil himself?
I know Christians find that thought horrifying. Me? I think an Interview With The Devil would be the 2nd most interesting of all time, right behind interviewing Jesus. So solly, that’s just how I roll.
I’ll try not to looked shocked and say, “well, I never!” when you post (some days are more difficult than others).
This is like watching a child play with a gun.
He told me that I’m killin it and not to change a thing.
Job never talked to satan. Neither did David or a whole host of others. We do not converse with him because even the angel did not rail against him. But, only said “the Lord rebuke you”. Lies and half truths are all satan has to offer. This is not edifying for anyone. The believer in Jesus has an advocate with the Father that has spoken to satan on our behalf, saying “It is written…..” And from this came his defeat and his being cast down as lightening from heaven. No further discussion with satan is necessary.
He is a defeated foe who’s days are numbered.
Blessings:-}
Yeah but he does play a mean fiddle..
The singing and dancing chickens are a nice touch!
The moral of the story here being that the Prince of Darkness might be a cunt but he does keep his word.
Edwit, See my comment @5:09
The rational part of my mind tells me there is no supernatural evil. The spiritual side of me tells me that there is no hell…the afterlife for all is simply a return to spiritual bliss.
That said, I tried the experiment for only a few seconds and it scared the shit of me. Reminds me of the Nietche quote: “if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Not sure if there is an actual abyss (outside of human consciousness) or not…or it’s just exists within the abyss of my own subconscious (which is an equally ridiculous concept…if I didn’t have one, I’d never believe it could exist).
That then reminded me of this Everlast/Santana number. Enjoy:
Drud, Drud, Drud, you shouldn’t do everything Stuck tells you to do. He’s riffing, you pay the price for invoking the devil. Some guy came in for deliverance once, he said he and his friends had been doing dugs and one fool decided to call on the devil for kicks. The guy said the demon he saw was way worse than anything imaginable. The movies are cartoons compared to the thing we saw, he said.
I don’t know why folks like to blow their mind with ugly scenes of evil. All that shit can only be a prelude to a curse. You fill your mind with junk like that for what reason exactly?
I think this verse works both ways, funny that those that seek evil find evil – it’s not a coincidence:
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.