Report: Internet Users Who Call For Attacking Other Countries Will Now Be Enlisted In The Military Automatically

Via The Babylon Bee

U.S.—A new policy issued by the United States Department of Defense, in conjunction with online platforms like Twitter and Facebook, will automatically enlist you to fight in a foreign war if you post your support for attacking another country.

People who bravely post about how the U.S. needs to invade some country in the Middle East or Asia or outer space will get a pop-up notice indicating they’ve been enlisted in the military. A recruiter will then show up at their house and whisk them away to fight in the foreign war they wanted to happen so badly.

“Frankly, recruitment numbers are down, and we needed some way to find people who are really enthusiastic about fighting wars,” said a DOD official. “Then it hit us like a drone strike: there are plenty of people who argue vehemently for foreign intervention. It doesn’t matter what war we’re trying to create: Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, China—these people are always reliable supporters of any invasion abroad. So why not get them there on the frontlines?”

“After all, we want people who are passionate about occupying foreign lands, not grunts who are just there for the paycheck,” he added.

Strangely, as soon as the policy was implemented, 99% of saber-rattling suddenly ceased.

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14 Comments
Iska Waran
Iska Waran
June 24, 2019 6:46 pm

Uncle Shlomo Needs You!

One problem, though: they’d all have Pompeo’s BMI and Bolton’s white hair.

Just Thinking
Just Thinking
  Iska Waran
June 24, 2019 7:29 pm

That’s kinda the idea.
What better way to rid ourselves of armchair warriors who send other peoples children off to die in pointless conflicts.

Just Thinking
Just Thinking
June 24, 2019 6:51 pm

I have been saying for years that every member of congress that advocates for intervention should be required, by law, to arm up and serve 6 month rotations for the duration of the engagement. 6 on, 6 off. Tip of the spear. Front line. As a dedicated unit so as not to endanger actual troops.

Starting with digging up Sent. McCain’s rotting corpse to be hauled from firefight to firefight by the most ranking member(s) of said patrol.

gatsby1219
gatsby1219
June 24, 2019 6:54 pm

comment image&f=1

War Pigs
War Pigs
  gatsby1219
June 24, 2019 9:20 pm

I got an idea!

Let’s go steal some oil from smaller nations with far less military might, and when we do, we’ll call it capitalism!

Jack Lovett
Jack Lovett
June 24, 2019 7:08 pm

This is great,so give the drumph and his sick warmonger neocon scum a pair of combat boots an put em on the ground. Then we see how much they love war. Mabe give em a 22 rifle for self defence.

MrLiberty
MrLiberty
June 24, 2019 7:14 pm

Best idea ever!!!

yahsure
yahsure
June 24, 2019 7:59 pm

You would come dam close to that by just starting up the draft. Get everyone’s toe in so any war may get them involved personally. Instead of the wars fought far away and out of mind. Or somehow draft all the people who like to play violent video games. Show them reality.

MrLiberty
MrLiberty
  yahsure
June 24, 2019 10:25 pm

Not sure how enslaving everyone will somehow make things better. It sure as hell didn’t during Vietnam or Korea. And we all know that the most enthusiastic warmongers always figure out a way out of the draft. And if the current crop of volunteers hasn’t bothered to pay any attention over the past 74 years, and are still crazy enough to sign up for the bullshit our government does, then that is their problem.

War Pigs
War Pigs
June 24, 2019 9:15 pm

I got an idea!

HOW MANY WARS WOULD WE HAVE FOUGHT IF THIS BILL HAD PASSED?

comment image:large

Anonymous
Anonymous
June 24, 2019 9:44 pm

I work with a former Marine. He’s pretty hard headed. We have a good friendship, as I’m dependent on his talents as a welder / metal fabricator for accomplishing some of my responsibilities at the shop.
He has a lifetime of experience, and is a blue collar redneck thru-and-thru.
Looks like one of the guys in ZZ Top. Drives a Harley. Married with 3 adopted kids.
His wife is horrible with money, and this dude’s gonna work himself into an early grave, because it’s where his loyalties lie. He’s pulling down 40 hrs/wk. in straight time, and another 20-30 / wk. in OT, paid at 1.5 times his wage. Since they have 3 adopted kids, they get income from the Gubmint, too.
So, it’s a mess.
But, he does know his stuff, about many things, especially in the fabrication game, & life experiences.

Now, the Company we work for used to be a small, family-type operation, owned by 5 guys who were all pretty good men to work for. Then 2 of them wanted to cash out, and retire to greener pastures of leisure, or other adventures.
The other 3 were young enough, with school aged kids, or young adults, so they stayed on, but didn’t buy out the other 2.
The place was bought by an international company that has its mitts in many industries.
Thus, the Corporatocracy clamped it’s Alien crustacean limbs around our cutting edge industrial business.
Since then, it has been one change after another, with all the inherent bullshit that goes along with doing things per the Corporate and Regional big wigs. Politically correct; green initiatives; you know the type.

Our little division made huge profits for the Beast, but they insist on telling our experienced 3 owners how things need to be done, and those stupid people are slowly killing a goose that lays golden eggs.
There’s a bitch calling the shots up at Corporate, who doesn’t know dick about how our business model works, and her decisions are threatening the implosion of 2 or 3 pretty good teams that the 3 former owners helped foster and build. Amazing.

The point:
Me and the Marine were jaw jacking about how fucked up corporate policies are causing dissension in the ranks. Just trying to do a job, earn a wage, with as little hassle as possible, and the bullshit never ends.
I said to him: Couple this shit show with the morons in charge with running the country are doing in D.C., and it makes for a grim outlook on the future.
I mentioned the recent dark cloud of actions and words with Iran.
I mentioned we should just stay the fuck out of ME wars that have been raging since before gunpowder was created.
This Yahoo (who admitted that he never saw active combat) chimes in with:
“Yeah, but we made a promise to stand by and help out one small ME country with the same ideals as us.”,
or some words to that effect.

I wanted to point out the stupidity of that remark, but held my tongue. He just doesn’t know.
Instead, I said, “Well, buddy, if we lob the first volley at Iran, and get sucked into a major confrontation perhaps launching WW-III, would you want your 18 year old son, and your 21 year old son to be drafted to go fight, and probably die for that cause?”

“Well, no, I don’t want anything like that to happen to them.”

The conversation boiled down to the fact that there are just soooo many people, that think they know right from wrong, and talk a mean game of kicking ass, and the US is still the greatest country in the world, and blah blah blah.

Since so many people are just oblivious to WTF is really going on, there’s no turning this ship around.
Too many decent people who have smarts, abilities, and work ethics that are noble, are just too damn gullible to realize just how badly they’re being played. Opinions galore, truths to ignore.

Respect for veterans is a bit like respecting law enforcement. A bit; not totally.
The good ones who did it right can be respected, for having courage in the face of a cause they felt obligated to, but seem to have placed their loyalties to an organization that is rotten on many levels, corrupt and full of greed, with no concept of realizing the folly of letting conflicts be manipulated into war games, which result in nothing but death and destruction, at the behest of those realizing how profitable it all is. (wars)

As for cops, I just can’t universally condemn decent cops who try to do the right thing, in keeping lawbreakers and thugs at bay. I know / knew quite a few. They candidly took some liberties. Sad.
The rogue ones with power trips and loyalty to the blue, even when actions prove them to be evil of the worst sort…they put a stain on all cops. The power trip lures the sociopaths into the occupation, too.

Hell, the same parallel could be drawn with leaders in religion and faith organizations.
Small wonder many people avoid the organizations, but still feel connected to a Higher Power in
various, personal ways.

There are many good people doing good things, but the ones with no integrity, but loads of evil intent are unfortunately obliterating the support of the public, who are walking away in disgust.
Character and Integrity do not require membership into a large, powerful group that manipulates.
Ulterior motives.

Madness. Is it that difficult to just weed out the rot, and keep the noble minded on board? Apparently.

World upside down. Lies are truth. Men acting like women. Women acting like devious, spiteful cants.
Fighting among everybody. What a mess.
And with all the history of mankind’s follies, we’re no better off than the barbarians of yore, in reality.

Makes one just want to bug out to Galts Gulch, with a strict admonition for all, to just be left alone, to live out the rest of our days, away from all the blood suckers and manipulative pricks in the halls of power.

Not sure what’s on the other side of life, but it absolutely HAS to be better than this Hell on Earth.
I believe that. If wrong in that belief, the only one disappointed will be me, and others like minded.

Perhaps the like minded will re-connect there, and find common ground, and toast to exiting purgatory.
Yeshua: “Welcome home. I’ve been waiting for you, and so have a few others. Peace be with you now.”

Me, giddy with happiness: “Glad to join the party. Got any longnecks on ice? It was HOT down there.”

end of rant / musings / daydreamin’

War Pigs
War Pigs
  Anonymous
June 24, 2019 10:01 pm

“Yeah, but we made a promise to stand by and help out one small ME country with the same ideals as us.”

Democracy = Western ideas delivered through the barrel of a gun.

It sounds like your military co-worker would make a good fictitious character in George Orwell’s 1984.

22winmag - The South was Right!
22winmag - The South was Right!
June 25, 2019 7:14 am

Funny, but stop jerking off to common myths about American Miscreants why never really knew or loved liberty.

No matter what his quotes are, Smedley Butler was largely a fraud a bag man.

https://cuttingthroughthefog.com/2017/08/19/major-general-smedley-butler-was-a-fraud-and-a-liar/

American icon Mark Twain was also ranked somewhere between a spy and a professional fraudster.

http://mileswmathis.com/twain.pdf

Anonymous
Anonymous
  22winmag - The South was Right!
June 25, 2019 8:26 am

Who does the ranking? Do you believe things that confirm your established opinion? Who’s jerking off here?