SACRAMENTO, CA—In order to prevent crimes of stabbing and reduce metal and plastic waste, the state of California has signed into law a requirement that all cutting implements be replaced with eco-friendly, 100% recycled paper knives.
Beginning in January of next year, restaurants, homes, and other businesses will be required to replace any sharp-edged tools like kitchen knives with new paper models. The paper models don’t actually cut per se but do help you feel like you’re doing something to help. People across the state are expected to cut their steaks, bread, and fruit with the flimsy knives that fold, crumble, and dissolve into a fine dust the second you try to cut anything.
“Yes, the paper knives will be almost entirely useless and you’ll have to use, like, 300 of them to even make a dent in a piece of chicken, but this makes it look like we’re doing something,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom. “And if we don’t do anything, people will start to wonder why they even need a government. Once word begins to leak out that you didn’t do something about a non-existent crisis, people begin to disobey you, and then it’s work, work, work all the time.”
“So, yeah. Paper knives. Use them and love them. Or else.”
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Those paper cuts can also be deadly.
What’s next? Back to the days of wiping your ass with your hand?
Back? For many people in San Francisco, that would be a step ahead.
Doesn’t the UK already have this? Unless you’re a particular religion I guess.
I can place a rounded rock the size of my balled up fist in a pillow case, tie it with twine to secure the rock in the bottom of the fabric then tie again in a couple other spots at which point I have a weapon that I can beat you to death with a quickness. Swinging that weapon and hitting you in the head will do the trick, I don’t need no stinking knife.
If you are fleet of foot and accurate, they will never know what hit them.