ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.
“We’ve never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude,” a CDC spokesperson told reporters. “Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note.”
Remarking about how abnormal it is, the spokesman again stressed the significance of the data.
“Therefore, we advise any American with detrimental information about Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or the Clinton Foundation to forget about it as quickly as possible to avoid a greatly increased probability of taking your own life,” he cautioned.
“And—I swear—that’s all we know.”
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For those desperate people at the end of their pitiful rope, call 1-800-ARKANSUICIDE now.
This Babylon Bee is consistently funny…….or true…who knows anymore?
Any one from the Portland area, or that have ever been to the Hotel Lucia?
The Clintons, Cheney and more are included in the pictures displayed along with the John Podesta type artwork…
Any eye witness as to whether this article’s description is true?
annuit coeptis novus ordo seclorum
I always thought the number was much closer to infinity.
My thought exactly The writer is obviously intimidated by them
Is that all 843% My guess would have been MUCH higher than that honestly
Really? Haven’t the Clintons been picked on enough? Happenstance and coincidence framed as though Bill and Hillary are lawless, criminal, wicked and evil doodoo heads.
I would so love to see those two hang for their crimes.