Supreme Court Allows Victims Of Heart Disease, Obesity To Sue Utensil Manufacturer

Via The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Acme Forks & Knives was trying to block a lawsuit brought against them by the obese community. The lawsuit suggested that the company’s utensils were deadly tools that caused people to become overweight.

The Supreme Court has blocked the company’s attempt to block the lawsuit, paving the way for victims of heart disease and other diet-related ailments to sue Acme.

“Finally—the big forks and knives lobby will be held accountable for contributing to heart disease and obesity, the leading causes of death among American adults,” said a spokesperson for the oppressed obese community. “No human action leads to these deaths. It is entirely on the sentient utensils used to carry out the mass eating events.”

“Blood is on their hands!” protesters cried. “Fight the corporate fork and knife lobby!”

Lawyers for the plaintiffs in these lawsuits have presented evidence that Acme Forks & Knives have marketed their utensils to the obese, specifically encouraging them to shovel a bunch of food in their mouths. They also said it was dangerous and irresponsible for the company to market a “fully automatic assault spork” that can shove “300 rounds of chili” into your face in under 10 seconds.

“Nobody needs that kind of forkpower,” said one lawyer. “We will get justice for the obvious cause of this epidemic of deaths: the guys who make the utensils.”

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John Galt
John Galt

How I, a Socialist Marxist, became a billionaire in 3 years.

When I was 18 I was rear ended while sitting at a red light. I sued the driver, the auto manufacturer of the car he drove but the real payday was the the gas station in which he last filled his car with gas. It was a long fight but I finally moved legislation to ban cars and gas. I learned this trick when Sandy Hook parents were allowed to sue Remington for making the bullets for a gun that a psycho killer on numerous pharma companies products helped kill innocent school children. Hmmm, maybe the pharma companies should have been sued also! Anyways, a byproduct of my genius and pain and suffering is America is now a third world nation, and everyone is really in shape and very thin due to walking everywhere. Unfortunately many people still die by illegal cars. Worst is the rich politicians, actors and VIP’s have cars……..I am not complaining but it does take around three hours of my day to stand in bread lines for a loaf of bread. I guess it was worth it wouldn’t you say! Like dude, I get FREE bread every day! Yay me! Ater all, a loaf of bread costs $255,000. I recently spent the last of my money on an iphone. But hey, I still have free Facebook at least. Sorry gotta go, Im at the next street and need to show my papers to the cop and he needs to scan my iphone activity. Ta ta for now.

SeeBee
SeeBee

But guess who pretty much has immunity from lawsuits.

Vaccine Manufacturers are Immunized from Lawsuits

None Ya Biz
None Ya Biz

That is beyond obscene in and of itself!

Duck N. Cover
Duck N. Cover

This really nails a lot of what ails us. Everybody’s a victim and looking for a free ride.

bob
bob

Total legit-ness, man.

PI

The ruling pertaining to Remington makes it perfectly clear that Conservative Inc. wants us disarmed every bit as much as the communists do. Plan accordingly.

Vote Harder
Vote Harder
MrLiberty
MrLiberty

If the lawsuit against Remington is successful, I would not expect such absurd suits as one against fork manufacturers for obesity, but certainly against them by anyone who was a victim of a violent attack with a fork. Simply preposterous that this suit has been allowed.

old white guy
old white guy

Yep, everybody is really stupid and that includes the supreme court, freaking idiots. Fat a holes would still be fat because they would shove the food in their mouths with their chubby little fingers, stupid.

John Galt
John Galt

But we must ban forks. Forks are the problem dont you see. Please dont change the narrative. Focus on forks. Forks are baaaaad

None Ya Biz
None Ya Biz

In all actuality the SCOTUS has become a joke of its former self and it all started in the 1930s when that communist Roosevelt threatened to pack the court with his made men!

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