Guest Post by Eric Peters
Several years ago, I wrote an article (see here) about converting the “shaker” hood scoop of my 1976 Trans-Am from decorative to functional.
Many people don’t know that while every ’70-81 Trans-Am came with a hood scoop (or a hood bulge, in the case of the ’80-81 turbo Trans-Ams) the only Trans-Ams that came with a functional shaker scoop – so called because the assembly was mounted to the air cleaner and shook with the engine, even it didn’t scoop – were the 1970-’72 models.
A solenoid-actuated flapper door opened when the driver floored the accelerator pedal, admitting cooler outside air to the engine. It also looked cool to actually see the engine gulping air.
Naturally, the Clovers objected to this – and put a stop to it.
They used something called drive-by noise standards – that is to say, their standards – to board up what had been a functional shaker scoop. It became a scoop that didn’t but just looked like it did, beginning with the 1973 models and all the way to the end of the run in 1981.
It was still possible, for a few years, to countermand what the Clovers decreed. Pontiac – which was still run by Car Guys at the time – “complied” with the drive-by noise standard by installing an easily removable metal plate where the flapper door had been. Many people removed it – and the scoop became functional again.
Naturally, the Clovers objected – and beginning with the 1977 models – the scoop no longer had a removable anything. It was molded out of a single piece of fiberglass and if you wanted to make it functional, you had to mutilate it by cutting it.
This was almost 40 years ago, which gives you an idea of just how long generations of Clovers have been working to suck all the fun out of cars.
Another example: Subaru’s rear-facing, bed-mounted jumpseats. Close your eyes and try to imagine a brand-new car offering this feature – and “getting away with it,” to use the language of Cloverism.
Subaru did – briefly.
There was a little pick-up called the Brat (Bi-directional All-Terrain Transporter) that Subaru made in the late ’70s and into the 1980s. It was available with a pair of plastic jumpseats welded to its bed. This added passenger capacity – the Brat was otherwise a two-seater – and end-ran another of Clover’s control freak fatwas, a thing called the “chicken tax.” This was a tax applied to small pick-ups, almost all of which were made outside of the U.S. – as a retaliatory measure for taxes applied by Euro-Clovers on chicken exported from the U.S. to Europe (seen more here, if interested).
By adding the extra set of seats to the bed, the Brat qualified under Clover’s own rules as a passenger vehicle rather than a pick-up and thus was exempted from the extortionate “chicken tax” applied to little trucks.
The seats were also big fun.
Your friends could jump in the bed – and go for a ride in the breeze. This was legal. You didn’t even have to buckle the seatbelts Subaru provided. Armed government workers had better things to do – or rather, were not yet empowered to harass people over such petty (and none-of-their-proper-business) things as adults electing to ride in the bed of a pick-up, buckled-up or not.
Clovers put a stop to that by decreeing it “unsafe” – according to them. It was perfectly safe – and lots of fun – to the people who got to experience riding in the bed of a Brat without any harm coming to them. Clovers empowered AGWs to threaten them with harm, though.
And threatened Subaru with harm, too. The jumpseats went away after the 1985 model year and the Brat itself soon thereafter.
Another fun thing lasted a little longer – into the 1990s: The T-top roof. It was a hugely popular option available in cars of all types, from Chrysler Cordobas to compact-sized pony cars like the Ford Mustang and its GM rivals, the Camaro and Firebird. It was like having a convertible but without having a fabric roof that any Guido with a box-cutter could get into.
And – unlike many convertibles, which look ungainly with their tops up – a car with T-tops looked good either way. You also got reasonable protection from the elements – not the either/or offered by a convertible, which you could only drop when it was warm enough or you had on clothes enough to deal with the cold.
T-tops extended the open-top driving season because you still had some top even when the tops were in the trunk. It was viable to drive around in November or December, with temperatures in the 40s – something not-so-viable with a drop-top.
Clovers nixed the T-top, too.
As per their loathsome passively aggressive practice, they did so not directly – via honest tyranny, by decreeing we’re not allowed to have T-tops anymore – but instead by making it impossible to sell cars equipped with T-tops.
Via roof crush regulations that could only be complied with by eliminating T-tops. (Convertibles get around the regs because they have no roofs; instead they have roll bars to “achieve compliance” with the Clovers’ fatwas.)
There are many other examples of Clovers putting the kibosh on fun behind the wheel – and even in the back seat, which you can’t use anymore to responsibly “sleep it off” after having some drinks wth your friends. The Clovers have decreed that this constitutes “drunk driving” as much as actually driving while drunk.
Might as well not drive at all.
And that’s exactly what’s wanted – by Clovers. They hate cars because of the fun – because of the freedom to have fun – which they used to be all about. They will not admit this, of course – for the same reason they characterize things like the 15 percent of every dollar we earn that we are forced to hand over to finance the loathsome intergenerational Ponzi scheme called Social Security as a “contribution.”
Instead, they will preach sssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaafety – and feign “concern.”
What happened to this country? When did the “safety” of adults, supposedly free, become the justification for pointing loaded guns at people – which is exactly what will happen if you assert your right to ride in the bed of a pick-up with jump seats – and without “buckling up.”
Clovers have relied for the past 50 years on our tacit acceptance of this justification. Maybe the time has come to shove this justification down the pie hole – or up the other orifice – of the next Clover who has the effrontery to so much as hint that the “safety” of any free man or woman is any of his got-damned business.
Yeah, I’m angry.
And if you’re not, there’s something wrong.
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Riding in the back of a pickup is not safe. Several people just killed doing that this year, and several die in Oz each year. Maybe with seats and seatbelts, but otherwise, totally not safe. I would not even put my dogs back there, much less a person.
Nonetheless, people bought the Subaru Brats because they liked them and had the freedom to do so. Around that time they were also building large cars featuring body-on-frame construction, which people bought because they were roomy, comfortable, and had quiet V8’s that the normal person could work on with limited tools.
Fast forward today where every vehicle has been regulated to the point where they are more expensive by 5 times when adjusted for inflation, our toilets and shower heads are regulated, and you can’t even buy a gas range or furnace that use pilot lights for ignition.
I think Peter’s point is that we have no freedom of choice anymore; what we used to do here was gutted by regulations before it was carted off to some other country to be manufactured at the lowest standard, and that our society is showing its final throes just before a Soviet-style collapse. We will be carrying around $12 trillion bills in the not too distant future, and we will be using them for what the Rhodesians use them for, as they are far cheaper than toilet paper.
The sad thing is, it is all our fault.
You choose not to ride in the back of a pick up. No problem, your choice. But don’t force me to abide by your choices by passing a law. No victim. No crime.
Never said it should be a crime. Should probably be a crime to let kids ride back there, though.
Said it was not safe. And it sure as hell is not safe.
I knew fuckwits would object. People cannot read, and assume too much.
And Delta – if it were not illegal, and someone did drive with someone in the back, and they got killed, just what should the punishment be for the driver? Me, I think skinning them alive would be just about right. And if it were one of my kids, then lawfolk would not get any say in the matter.
What’s the punishment if you have a kid properly strapped in according to all safety standards and they die while you are driving?
Guess it depends on the context of the reason… like any other accident versus crime.
Every one of the vehicles noted are worth more now than their original MSRP (if in “good” or better condition).
Eric…excellent as always. I surely enjoy reading your articles. Keep it up!
I miss my GTO….or rather my mother’s GTO. I could only borrow it ; 1966 and no ,the hood scoop didn’t; but it looked cool! Those were the days. Kids these days don’t know how to have fun like the good old days.
And they died at much higher rates in cars. All that fun came at a cost. I for one am damn lucky to have survived all that fun.
You live a boring life now?
Yes, a few of us died- but better in a fast car than viet nam!
Life aint about being safe. Its about big hairy wild crazyassed adventures that you survived, that eventually lead to really good bar stories. Some ppl are just jealous and cant keep up.
The rear facing seat used to be called an old mattress.