Guest Post by John at the Feral Irishman
Subconscious: “Psst… You awake?”
Conscious, grumbling: “ I guess I am now”
“Ya know, I was thinking……..”
“No shit, maybe you should fucking be sleeping”
“ Wait, hear me out, How many great grandparents would you have if you went back say 1000 or more years?”
“Are you fucking serious?” a different subconscious silently curses Northeastern University’s Engineering Dept, “that’s what your thinking about?”
Then, Conscious makes a foggy mistake.
“What time is IT!?”
The Ghost of Steve Jobs smirks an evil smirk: “Grab your iphone and check”
Before anyone can stop him, Hand, like a golden retriever puppy, lurches out, and knocks over the water bottle.
“Shit!” says Conscious
Hand fumbles on nightstand still half asleep…..
Eyes: “NOOO, don’t look at the , AHHHHHH…” White laser light blasts the retinas.
“What the fuck! It’s 3:02 am! Put the phone down!” Conscious yells.
Hand, like a typical teen getting reprimanded, puts the phone down “What? I was just checking it for a second, you’re always yelling at me”
“Shut up hand, go adjust Scrotum, he’s stuck to Thigh”
Kidney chimes in sounding like he’s drowning: “Excuse me, I gotta go pee”
Morning Wood resting firmly against his favorite buttocky pillow: “Not till I’m done”
“Is she sleeping?” Conscious asks, suddenly oblvious to everything else.
Ear, metaphorically rolling his eyes “You can’t hear that snoring?”
“What ssssnoring?” Morning wood says, sounding like a snake offering Conscious an apple.
“Listen you two, I gotta go, like now.” says Kidney with authority.
Shoulder: “Hey I’m cold, Hand, would you grab the covers?”
Hand, who all through this has been giving a good massage, reluctantly releases the Testicle Twins and obliges.
Subconscious “Hey, What if we went back to 3000 years? Man, that’s an exponential shit load of great grandparents we might need a ….
Sphincter, Coughs.
There is a pregnant silence.
Nose: “Seriously dude? Have you been eating off the racoon’s truck in the Geico commercial?”
Everyone giggles.
Subconscious: “ Those commercials are pretty funny! I wonder how much…..”
He’s cut off by Conscious “Shut. Up.”
Kidney:”Hey, Morning Wood has left his post. Let’s go”
Feet, acting like a toddler’s first step, search for Slippers.
Morning wood, blocked by kidney, shouts: “Hey, if we knock over the water bottle again, maybe we can get her to stir?”
“We can’t see!” feet interrupts.
Hand shoots for the iphone.
Steve Job’s Ghost snickers.
As conscious heads to the bathroom with everyone in tow, he sees Coffee Pot in the glow of the night light.
She’s seductively sitting on the counter like a Colombian hooker. Beckoning.
Subconscious: “Hey, where’s the calculator?……..”
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This had me rolling on the floor with its accuracy at what goes on in my mind sometimes, except I do not sleep with the phone nearby.
BTW – I love the Geico raccoons.
I experience nearly the same nightmare almost every night however mine has additional role played by the feet.
Bladder shouts “You better stop fucking around with Morning Wood and high tail it to the porcelain god pronto.”
Little toe screams “watch out for that door jamb” as the open toed slipper sideswipes the door jamb and little toe gets stubbed.
Due to the agonizing pain in Little Toe the service at the porcelain god has Mr Happy squirting everywhere but into the placid pool.
There’s more but I will not subject TBPers with the gory details.
yup, you nailed it Peq. That was awesome. Keep posting my friend. It sucks getting old.
I can bring the joyous news that it gets worse as you age. Especially that part about the bladder screaming to the morning wood that the dam is cracking and about to burst!
A funny bit this January morn.
Had me giggling.
I can relate.
?
ROTFL!!!!
That was a fine morning chuckle
Don’t be that guy and you’ll be fine. Sleep will again find you. After a bathroom break, of course.
Comedy always has a basis in truth!
100% accurate
One of the best pieces of writing I’ve ever read.
And great timing too, I needed the good laugh today.
My multiple consciousnesses were all giggling profusely.
Brilliant.