Toilet Paper Crisis Solved As Government Prints Trillions Of Fresh, Soft Dollar Bills

Via The Babylon Bee

USA–As part of a sweeping initiative to help unclog the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus quarantine, the White House announced they are printing out fresh, crisp dollar bills for every US citizen.

“We understand the hardship this quarantine has put on people,” the White House explained in a press briefing. “Parents aren’t able to drop their kids off at the pool. Florists have had to stop putting soil in the pot. With sports events canceled, we can’t take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Until things get flowing again, we see this as the obvious solution to a situation that has taken a definite plunge.”

The administration explained that, while it’s possible the money might help get things flowing again for people who are in need of a strong push financially, the more practical use will be for those who have run out of toilet paper: “As the economic stoppage causes the dollar’s value to take a dump, we see this as a great alternative to increasingly scarce toilet paper.”

The statement also included several best practices for making the most use out of each crisp, worthless dollar bill, and even some tips on precise folding techniques in order to avoid defacing the United States’ first president.

Some remain critical of the action, saying it doesn’t go far enough. Bernie Sanders, who is adorably still in the running for the Democratic presidential nomination, stated, “This will only last us a couple of weeks. We need to print billions in crisp singles for every American if we’re truly going to wipe up this mess!”

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Anonymous
Anonymous

Love that, mind if i use that next time i hear about the 1200$ coming to save the day for me. “great i can 1200 pieces of toilet paper”

Gee couldn’t they just lower our tax burden 1200$ a year instead, f me, and so many buy there bullshit and will vote for it and comply, worthless.

“A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims… but accomplices” Orwell

gman
gman

reminds me of the national lampoon’s high school yearbook ….

Anonymous
Anonymous

Make it rain . . . on my ass!

MrLiberty
MrLiberty

The Congress and the various presidents have been using the Constitution and the Bill of Rights as toilet paper since 1913 at least. Lincoln began the practice back in 1860, but it didn’t really catch on until the Progressives took over BOTH major political parties.

oldtimer505
oldtimer505

That is spot on MrLiberty.

Anonymous
Anonymous

In Australia, our toilet paper isn’t, it’s plastic. So worthless even as bogroll.

M G

This is really funny in a socially isolated sort of way.

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