U.S.— Americans in several states are readily adopting new social distancing measures that will guarantee that no one ever gets sick again. California, New York, Michigan and Washington state legislatures have all issued new orders to their citizens to indefinitely don a plastic hamster ball whenever they decide to travel outside their home. The human-sized hamster balls are made to be impervious to all foreign particulate matter from the outside world including viruses, bacteria, and oxygen.
“I guess if it keeps everybody safe, we have to accept the new normal,” said Carol from Seattle, WA, as she attempted to climb into the hollow sphere and snap the plastic portal back into a tight seal so she could get over to the grocery store. When she reached her car she quickly realized that she could not open her car door, or indeed interact with her car at all in any way, so she began the 2 mile journey to the store with a carefully executed controlled roll down her driveway.
The hollow safety spheres are creating a stir and cities are quickly scrambling to invent new traffic codes and install “tracks” along the roads that cars were once allowed to travel in order to minimize collisions and the occasional hamster ball getting stuck in a culvert and sliding off into a ditch.
“This is just the way things have to be and anyone who disagrees just wants grandmas to die,” declared Governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer. “My conscience is as clear as these plastic safety spheres,” she said as she pointed to the recently added selection of human-sized hamster balls right next to the seeds and gardening tools which were still behind a rope barrier and various signs deeming those items non-essential.
Citizens will have to travel to the store somehow to purchase the safety spheres and there is a grace period until everyone is able to pick one up.
“You can walk into a store with a mask, but you have to roll out in a safety sphere,” declared Governor Andrew Cuomo.
“You don’t want to be carried out in a coffin do you?” the governor added.
At publishing time, it was unclear if the order would cease to be necessary at some point or if this was just how things have to be from now on.
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Haha…..in Pennsylvania we would have to wear actual hamster testicles hanging from our masks…..the screams all of those poor little hamsters , helping the US defeat covid 19!
What’s so different from getting around in cars? One car commercial mocked Americans as fat hamsters driving their hamster cages around.
The hamster balls are looking pretty racist to me, where are all the black hamster balls?!?!
If offered for sale, 75% of Americans would happily buy one before going outside.
Where do you store the hamster when you are in its ball?
Same place Tom Cruise does.
Hospital Bed doubles as coffin. Now that there is some ingenuity.
Given the widespread use of deadly ventilators (when they should NEVER be used), having a bed that converts into a coffin makes the most sense.
Just wait til we’re all required to run in giant hamster wheels…to generate electricity…sorta like the…matrix.