SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Gavin Newsom is especially concerned that the holiday season could lead to people coming together in joy and brotherly love — i.e., superspreader events. To fight this, Newsom has enacted a number of strict rules for the holidays and has now gone the extra step of sending police door to door to arrest anyone showing clear signs of violating the law, namely anyone not depressed and alone.
“This holiday season, people could be out spreading cheer,” Newsom told the press, “a dangerous and illegal activity that we will crush. If we see any signs of this — any smiles, any singing, anyone looking like they’re enjoying life at all — they will be locked away for the protection of others.”
So far, door-to-door inspections have found most people in compliance, doing completely legal pandemic activities like sitting alone in the dark staring at the wall, lying face down on the floor, and googling “how to tie a noose.” There are worries that some police may not try to enforce Newsom’s regulations for being “unconstitutional” and “evil,” but so far everyone says they will go along. The Orange County Sheriff’s Department even has a special container labeled, “Newsom’s Holiday Laws,” though it does look suspiciously like a wastepaper basket.
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When the Babylon Bee stops being satire, you know you have arrived at your time destination of 1984. Welcome.