Corona Virus Guidelines

Submitted by aka.attrition

Here are the official Coronavirus Guidelines:

1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless. But they will protect you. They can save you, no they can’t, they’re useless, but wear one anyway. Now they’re mandatory. But maybe. Or not.

3. Stores are closed, except for the ones that are open.

4. You should not go to the hospital unless you have to go there. Stay out of the ER at all costs unless you’re having a medical emergency then it’s okay.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster. Stay calm.

6. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help. Especially if you wear the same pair for hours and everywhere you go, then you can not spread germs, nope. #science

7. Everyone needs to stay home, but it’s important to go out because sun. Sunlight will kill the virus but not if the virus kills you first by walking in the sunlight where you may be exposed to the virus.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those it has affected or will affect.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested yet, and a tiger.. and one really deadly but also possibly fictional but very sick bat.

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms.

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but also never go out to the grocery store so eat shelf stable processed crap and stay inside your four walls but also stay healthy.

13. It’s better to get some fresh air, but you may be arrested if you’re getting fresh air the wrong way and most importantly, don’t go to a park, the fresh air there is deadly.

14. Under no circumstances should you go to retirement homes, but if you have to take care of the elderly and bring them food and medication then fine. Just wear gloves. The same ones. All day.

15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy to get your medications. Just don’t make eye contact cause you may spread your sickness that way.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to leave your groceries outside for 3 hours to be decontaminated by the fresh air that also may have virus particles floating around in it.

17. Taxi drivers are immune to the virus apparently since you can still take a taxi ride with a random taxi driver. Just don’t take the taxi to your mom’s house because you know. Stay away from your mom.

18. You can walk around with a friend if you stay six feet apart but don’t visit with your family if they don’t live under the same roof as you. Even if you’ve all been locked inside for two months already. You may still have the virus and just not know it yet. You’ll find out. Wait another week. Wasn’t that week? Might be the next one. Keep waiting.

19. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance. Social distancing means you shouldn’t leave your house and don’t be social, except you may go to the liquor store but don’t socialize there while you’re being socially distant.

20. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.

21. The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

22. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of…

23. The virus will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity.. but stay inside until the virus disappears.

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lamont cranston
lamont cranston

“This message is brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.”

-Firesign Theatre, circa 1975ish

Thing In Room 101
Thing In Room 101

HUH ??? Could you repeat that ? I wasn’t watching closely enough to understand all that was said on the subject. Now, what was that again?? I must admit, I was distracted by thinking while you were saying; what?

clayusmcret
clayusmcret

This is meant as a joke, but please do tell me which one you haven’t heard from official sources.

Henry Ford
Henry Ford

New Mexico governor has now decided to add gyms to “essential” businesses. Although I routinely use a gym and am happy to now have permission from our self-appointed dictator named “governor”, there is nothing essential about them. Human have survived for quite a long time without gyms. This just shows how arbitrary and totally stupid these “decisions” are. Go away governor. Leave us free to live our lives.

Anonymous
Anonymous

add to that she probably has relatives, close friends/donors or personal staff that are pissed off the gyms were closed. hence the change.

Henry Ford
Henry Ford

No doubt.

Anonymous1
Anonymous1

24. When they tell you your loved one needs a ventilator, ask them why, and get a second opinion, because believe it or not, they are going to murder your loved one, and get paid $40K for doing engaging in government sanctioned eugenics.

I kid you not.

Captain_Obviuos
Captain_Obviuos

When my father, who passed in August, was admitted, the COVID Squad™ wanted that, and I told them no ventilators or hospices. These so-called medical professionals did not treat my father’s pneumonia — the underlying cause which killed him, ultimately, because of these trained animals’ malpractice — and kept pumping him full of painkillers; after his death, reading the doctor’s notes, I found that Dad had told the nurses he refused these meds, but they just gave it to him IV when he did so anyway.

Of course he was quarantined like he had Black Lung, and neither my mother or I could see him, other than FaceTime. He died alone in that ungodly place. Mother couldn’t even kiss him one last time.

When the shooting starts, I have one place in particular I plan on disinfecting, as it’s obviously full of sick people.

Anonymous1
Anonymous1

sorry for your loss CO. My friend from college just died this past weekend, she was 57, but I think she was still smoking cigs, so that might have been an aggravating factor, I don’t know, just speculating, trying to wrap my head around this event.

this one really hit home, when her husband (my old college roomate) told us they put her on the ventilator, I knew this was a possible outcome, but I didn’t want to believe it.

Captain_Obviuos
Captain_Obviuos

I feel your pain, my friend, literally and figuratively. It’s absolutely despicable that the people we’ve chosen to trust our lives to have failed us, and despite all evidence to the contrary continue to push this farcical narrative. Your friend, like my father, probably had a good chance any other year to have survived (even though Dad was 87 he was in great health), but the object of this “treatment” is not to save elderly patients. I’m getting mad again, so I need to stop this line here.

We both know exactly why these people want old folks out of the way: Social Security/retirement/Medicare. Think of how much these shit stains have cleared off the books so far this year. SS couldn’t wait to tell my mother she wasn’t going to get anymore of Dad’s money — money he paid taxes on and earned. Where do you think all the money for unpaid benefits goes?

Anonymous
Anonymous

SS retirement benefits are not like a guaranteed annuity, unless you keep living, in which case the payments do not stop (at least until the country goes broke). Your mother most likely qualifies for spousal benefits and there will be a one time $255 payment resulting from your father’s death. Strangely, when you mother passes there will not be a $255 payment for her death. Go figure.

According to the rules, one can pay into the system their entire working life then die one day short of their eligiblity and never collect a dime. No such thing as ‘unpaid benefits’-ponzi schemes do not work that way.

Sorry for your loss.

aka.attrition
aka.attrition

From US Gov website: National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/

Research Paper’s Title: Population-level COVID-19 mortality risk for non-elderly individuals overall and for non-elderly individuals without underlying diseases in pandemic epicentres

Research Paper’s URL: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7327471/

Research Paper’s Objective (from the front page): To provide estimates of the relative rate of COVID-19 death in people <65 years old versus older individuals in the general population, the absolute risk of COVID-19 death at the population level during the first epidemic wave, and the proportion of COVID-19 deaths in non-elderly people without underlying diseases in epicenters of the pandemic.

Research Paper’s Summary Conclusion (taken from the front page): People <65 years old have very small risks of COVID-19 death even in pandemic epicenters and deaths for people <65 years without underlying predisposing conditions are remarkably uncommon. Strategies focusing specifically on protecting high-risk elderly individuals should be considered in managing the pandemic.

A. R. Wasem
A. R. Wasem

“Those whom the god would destroy…”

MrLiberty
MrLiberty

24. If the government imposes a curfew on your activities, heed it, because the virus is also paying attention and won’t infect you before the curfew, but will at one second after the curfew goes into effect. And don’t worry if the curfew means that even more people are now crowded into the restaurant, bar, or store to get what they want before the curfew time hits….the virus knows that it is not allowed to infect anyone until the curfew goes into effect.

25. You are right to believe that nobody knows anything about this novel Coronavirus or the proper functioning of the human immune system. I mean its not like there haven’t been nearly 30 previous Coronavirus strains identified and studied over the past 50 years, and its not like the human immune system is not one of the most studied parts of the human body as it is responsible for mitigating nearly every disease. You are absolutely correct in believing that nobody knows anything about this virus or the immune system, so trusting anyone but the “experts” when it comes to immune boosting supplements, proper nutrition, how exposure and herd immunity are the ONLY way viruses have ever successfully been addressed by societies would be crazy. But when these “experts” come out with several vaccines after only 8 months of development work, no animal testing, bypassing of numerous traditional safety “gates,” and despite no successful Coronavirus vaccine in the 30 years of trying, you better believe that everything they have done will be correct and safe for you to expose yourself and your loved ones to.

26. The virus knows whether your protests, rioting, murdering, raping, etc. are happening because you are upset with “white privilege,” “social inequality,” “the murdering of blacks by police,” or other SJW agenda items. It also knows if your actually peaceful protests are in support of your individual rights, property rights, freedom, etc. and against the unconstitutional, immoral, and life-destroying lockdowns. It knows not to attack the SJW crowd, but has been specifically programmed to attack anyone that still loves freedom.

27. The presence of the virus in society means that your tenuous belief that you own yourself, your children, your income, or your property, is now completely null and void.

TN Patriot
TN Patriot

Do not listen to doctors who have successfully treated patients with Covid, but do listen to bureaucrats who have never treated a patient when they encourage you to get a vaccine that has been developed and tested for a few months. There will be no long term effects and if there are, you cannot sue the pharma company for damages.

Do not go into buildings like churches where large numbers of people gather together to worship at the altar of God, but by all means gather in buildings like casinos where large numbers of people gather together to worship at the alter of greed.

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