Identifying as Lesbian

by the subway philosopher™

I watched a hockey game not long ago featuring two teams of cosmopolitan origin, players from all over the world. Sadly, there were no lesbians on either team. There were no black people either, nor Gs, Bs, Ts, Qs, Mexicans, M&Ms, or women. Especially, there were no Pocahontases. Disgraceful – particularly so since I’ve long nursed a small sweet spot for hot little Pocahontases. I’d claim victimhood and compensation due to the NHL’s obvious systemic bias against female redskins, but haven’t found a sympathetic lawyer – yet.

–          Like, sports needs to be equal, man.

Ahem. It’s time for hockey and other professional sports around the globe to embrace equality. The openly-visible oppression worldwide is astonishing. Have a look at cricket players; being Indian helps a lot, apparently. Thai lady-boys  – er, not so much. How about polo? White guys and the occasional swarthy whatever – Kazakh, maybe, but I don’t see any Maori incels. Synchronized swimming? Stunned-looking (but do-able) women and lesbians (pardon me if I missed someone). Not a single Inuit male in sight, a clear example of discrimination. The NBA? You tell me, but I’ll bet none are female or even identify as such, so far.

Let’s take a closer look at American football. Huge guys pound the hell out of each other while the fancy boys make pretty plays and dance into the end-zone. For less than a few years on average, they pull down serious coin, before retiring with concussions, mangled fingers, and child-support/alimony payments designed to land them in prison. Meanwhile the unwed female secretaries in the NFL’s executive suites earn a relative pittance and hope like hell to last long enough for a cat food-level pension.

This system definitely needs a Title MVXILZ Guidance for the Equality of Everybody Everywhere Always, courtesy of your not-so-local bureaucracy, whereby professional sports are required to maintain equal representation and pay in all aspects of operation.

For example, not only must 50% of NFL executives be women, but 50% of linemen need to be female too (or identify as such). Ditto for quarterbacks, wide receivers and even (god help us) tight ends. But since inclusivity is our primary concern, we need to expand that concept and consider every possible minority and sub-caste of humanity – there are hundreds you’ve never even heard of. The current 65⁺-strong LGBT alphabet soup list will need considerable revision and additions. There are intersections, and then there are intersections, if you know what I mean. We haven’t even begun to identify and categorize all of them.

–       Fortunately, xher identifies as a queer black transsexual opioid-addicted sexual assault survivor, of which the team needs exactly .65 under the equality of representation rules.

Under such a system, of course, a significant number of NFL players would need to be let go, or at least transferred into the office pool and subjected to redefinition. Imagine being greeted by Roger Goodell’s 350-lb. dreadlocked black lineman office assistant, whose neck is wider than your waist and whose unit is longer and thicker than… well, never mind. Fortunately, xher identifies as a queer transsexual opioid-addicted sexual assault survivor (someone tried to molest zhim when zhir was in prison for selling fentanyl while xhe was getting hormone treatments), of which the team needs exactly .65 under the equality of representation rules. Since .65 of a human being translates into a whole human (unless we agree to carve the poor fucker up in the sacred name of equality), xzhit gets an office job, this year at least, while the team carries forward a .35 credit for next year.

Not all will be so lucky. Sorry, we’re out of slots for cross-dressing camel-enthusiast Lithuanians.  The team needed .3 last year but employed a whole one, so we’re good for a while. Black, androgynous, necro-amorous and stupid? Welcome, we need you! Furries? Nope, sorry, got one already – wait a minute, are you ambidextrous and psychotic?

–          New York schoolgirls.

Picture the actual games, if you dare. Anorexic 80-lb New York schoolgirls with daddy issues running rampant over 240-lb defensive backs, ruthlessly crushing limbs, testicles and privileged male egos in the process. Handicapped Arabic transvestite clitoridectomists on goats hurling themselves fearlessly at the offensive line. A limp-wristed foreskin-free faggot from ‘Frisco firing a 90-yard strike to a gelded Italian choirgirl trapped in a man’s body who promptly gets gang-banged… sorry, gang-tackled, at the goal line by a thundering horde of empowered fat-positive omnisexual white sluts with an average four kids and zero baby daddies around. And gosh, we haven’t even started talking about whatever those aforementioned tight ends might be up to. It’s gonna be a party, for sure – good clean fun for the whole family!

What will be even more amazing is if the USA and its piss-boys (Canada et al) decide to enforce equality world-wide: for example in China – you know, protecting democracy and drag-queens and all that. Chinese sports leagues, oddly enough, are absolutely chock full of ordinary men and women, albeit with suspiciously slanted eyes. Not a single alphabet idiot to be seen (just one of the benefits of not having an alphabet). But goddamn, it’s going to be a wonderful world, once we’ve forced all the Chinese to be just as shiny and happy as all of us everywhere holding hands in solidarity for the cause. Or killed them. Whatever.

The progression of ‘equality’ is manifest destiny on steroids, written in the stars, our glory and our salvation, while somehow miraculously managing to coincide with the ambitions of self-proclaimed victims, petty bureaucrats, corporate slimesters, race hustlers, and empire-builders alike. Odd, that. The fight isn’t completely over, but already it has swallowed the souls of an expanding out-of-control corporatized bureaucracy which sees nothing but net, an always-widening scope to deploy state violence in pursuit of grandiose, utopian, and impossible ends.

           –      I recommend hetero males identify as lesbian.

Since women (and their insufferably nauseating soyboytoys) were and are among the originators and primary promoters of this patent stupidity, it seems apparent that women are a hazard to themselves and indeed to western civilization itself. The ebb and flow of human history unfortunately permits no defense against the pendulums of time, so normies ought to recognize that if you can’t beat ‘em, maybe you should join ‘em. I recommend hetero males identify as lesbian – it saves time when explaining why you can’t be #Metoo’d.

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