What Would Temüjin Do?

Over the past few days, I – like most of the rest of the world, I would imagine – have been riveted to news of the most epic boondoggle in American history. I couldn’t help but obsess over how a real leader would have handled not just Afghanistan, but the entire passive-aggressive, effeminate state of affairs in these “United” States since the end of World War 2. As usual, I always circle back to the most maligned (in the West) and misunderstood (in both the East and the West) leader over the last couple of millennia – Temüjin, known to most folks as Genghis Khan.

If the reader is so inclined, pick up a copy of Weatherford’s Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World. It reads more like a fascinating biography than a classical history text, and I’ve made sure my elementary and middle school children have read it along with The Art of War. I wanted them to consume real history and Eastern philosophy before they get into high school and are forced to write essays on such illustrious American topics as The 1619 Project or I Have Two Daddies.

This whole train of thought started not only over Uncle Depends’ dereliction of duty in Bactria, but also the idiotic, talking head hacks in The Exceptional Nation that believe “nobody has won in Afghanistan since, like, the Dawn of Man”. Wrong, you bumbling Western maroons. I’m tired of listening to that garbage rhetoric. Here’s my take on how the Great Genghis Khan (GGK) would have handled Afghanistan.

1. Instead of colonizing and invading Afghanistan, he would have requested trade with its leadership. How do I know this? Because that’s what he did with the Khwarazmian Empire, which stretched all the way from Tabriz to modern-day Kabul.
2. Now, let’s say they refused trade with him. Let’s say they did so in an impolite manner. Perhaps the Taliban Mullahs decapitated his emissaries and irreverently sent their heads back to him, just like the Shah did in 1218. Well, I’ll take a stab in the dark and suggest that he would have done the following:
   1. Postponed an ongoing war against a different group of pricks (China).
   2. Marched a force to Muhammad’s doorstep as large as or larger than anything NATO deployed to Afghanistan.
   3. Sieged the offenders, all the while living off the land, hunting and foraging, as the Kheshig and horsemen often did. To Westerners: This is a concept that is known as “self-sustainability”.
   4. Rounded up the guilty parties’ families, broke their backs over logs, and trampled them with their horses. The soil is sacred, so he would have spilt as little blood as possible.
   5. Forced the Mullahs to flee like little girls to an island, whereupon they’d die in cowardice.
3. Since GGK wasn’t really into the whole materialism thing – almost everything centered around the betterment of the Mongol peoples – the loot would have been primarily allocated to his horsemen, sons, and blood brothers (anda). (Well, probably not Jamukha at this point.) A 90-10 or 95-5 split wouldn’t surprise me.
4. Gotten drunk on kumis with his various and sundry advisors. Especially the Christian advisors. GGK was particularly partial toward cultures and religions that liked to imbibe in victorious celebration.

But what about Iraq? Would he have mumbled like a blithering idiot to his fierce band of brothers that they hated the Mongols for their freedoms? The Mongols *did* have an interesting system of representation, a process of choosing their khans. Would the Mongols have been ignorant enough to select Twiggy as a leader of the Horde? I don’t think so. They actually liked to win. Nevertheless, if GGK or his bloodline ever dealt with Baghdad (hint: they did), I’m guessing it would have gone something like this:

1. “Saddam, do you remember when you tried to foment a war between the Mongols and Iran? We don’t like palace intrigue. We don’t like treachery. My grandson, Hulagu, is going to beat you like a drum. And he’s not even my most talented grandson.”
2. “It appears you never learned about situational awareness. What do you plan to do when we drown your entire army with these dikes?”
3. “You’re also going to be forced to watch your entire city burn to the ground. Palaces, artwork, everything.”
4. “Your innocent civilians? We’ve had some problems with Muslim extremism in outlying areas of the empire. Sorry, but we can’t take any chances.”

All of the above sure sounds barbaric, doesn’t it? Westerners are awfully “civilized”, so naturally our fearless leaders wouldn’t resort to such terrible atrocities as avenging their diplomats (Khwarazmian Empire); punishing arrogant shit-stirrers (Abbasid Caliphate, Jurchen Jin Dynasty); or annihilating those who mercilessly poisoned their kin (Tatars). It’s a brutal world, but the West has transcended it. Right?

Maybe GGK was also wrong about establishing freedom of religion and tax exemptions for small businesses and various religions – Christianity being one. Perhaps the reasonable flat tax rates on certain regions were “unworkable”, as compared to the remarkably successful income taxation of the glorious American IRS. Hell, the fact that Mongols even consulted with Christians so as to learn how to better lead, was clearly inferior to the philosophy (is there one?) of present-day Western Europe. (Ironic, too, that the only thing GGK found worthwhile west of Kiev was English bell-making technology.)

However, Khubilai’s universal public school system sure seemed to produce good results. Folks from all religions and all walks of life got along; intolerance was punished severely. Ögedei, GGK’s son, went on a construction spree of religious buildings. The horsemen of the steppes loved their rulers and fought fearlessly. The women managed their own camps and didn’t push egalitarian, empathetic horseshit on the khagen. At the heart of the Mongol Empire was the khanate pride of its people and its love of the Eternal Blue Sky.

Sounds quite enviable, in my humble opinion.

Perhaps, just perhaps, Americans could learn a thing or two from the East before confronting it and getting their asses kicked. As in, back to the Stone Age. Because right now that’s what would happen. Here are some other takeaways – some on topic, some not – that I think are worth mentioning:

1. Even though China believes she’s the heir apparent of GGK, she’s far from it. Khubilai may have founded the Yuan Dynasty, and he may have been the Mongol-Chinese bridge, but present-day China is good at reproduction, not innovation.
2. Having said the above, they are not to be underestimated. The Chinese have perfected the arts of trade and diplomacy like the Mongols did. I wrote an email to several folks on 16 AUG that (in a nutshell and off the cuff) recommended the ChiComs do the following:
   • Officially recognize the Taliban as the Afghan government.
   • Make investment deals and stymie India’s trade routes through Afghanistan into Iran.
   • Build a pipeline.
   • Mine the lithium and rare earth deposits and gain a 98-100% corner on the market.
   • Manufacture useless windmills and solar panels from said minerals, sell them to Westerners, and use the proceeds to invest in sane energy research like thorium. (You know, it probably wasn’t such a great idea for America to “collaborate” with the Chinese on thorium technology. But hey, what the hell do I know?)
3. Westerners need to gain some self-respect. It starts with being unafraid of losing the goods and status of this world. Americans are terrified of losing their jobs because they don’t want to lose Billy Joe’s soccer trophies, or Bobbi Sue’s gaming console. Get over the materialism already, because that is what the fear is all about. The entire West is on a road to perdition. If it reaches the end of that road, Bobbi Sue will be more worried about having clean water than a gaming console anyways. GGK wasn’t stupid. To obsess over wealth is to become Smaug without the “fire and death”.
4. As a corollary to #3, come up with some red lines and mean it. If you’re threatened with unemployment versus the clot shot, call their bluff, say “no thanks”, and make them fire you. Period, end of story. Is China giving its citizens the Western clot shots? I’ve already put my COO on notice that 2022 MAR is when I permanently leave IT full-time (for multiple reasons). Something happened to me on the Road to Clarity: I realized that Washington and Wall Street need me, not the other way around. If enough skilled folks did this, the entire system would collapse of its own accord. “Oops, did somebody hack your mission critical hardware? Tough shit. Find another sucker to slave away for crumbs fixing it.”
5. Get out there and try your hand at planting a 10’x20’ raised bed garden. It’s not difficult to setup; it just requires some trial and error and now’s the time to do it. All strong civilizations revere the soil. GGK and the Mongols survived some of the most inhospitable places on the planet. They worked with what they had. Become as self-sustainable, communally or even individually, as possible.
6. At present pace, the dollar has, at most, less than a decade left in its lifespan. Martin Armstrong’s Socrates predicts 2026 and I think he’s being generous. China knows it, Russia knows it, many of us know it. Pay close attention to how China invests/divests.
7. The Mongols were all about tribalism. It’s the only way to go at this point. My #1 tribal trait is religion, but to each their own.

Good luck in this long, strange trip called life!

Vive la Liberté!

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