I’ve read books cover-to-cover in one sitting. They are always some work of fiction; a good historical novel or who-done-it mystery being most likely.  But, I’ve never read a “religious” book in one sitting, until yesterday.  If you asked me yesterday morning my favorite religious books regarding pain and suffering, I would have responded with CS Lewis’ book, “The Problem Of Pain“, or Gordon Livingston’s book, “Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart“.  This morning it is W. Lee Warren’s book, “I’ve Seen The End Of You: A Neurosurgeon’s Look at Faith, Doubt, and the Things We Think We Know“.  Why?  Because Lewis is an intellectual treatise at the 30,000 foot level … and Warren’s book is coming to grips with pain and suffering in the trenches. And his insights just blew me away.

By way of introduction, following is a copy and paste of his one page prologue.

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Prologue: LIFE GETS MESSY

The most difficult and dangerous surgery I’ve ever performed, I wasn’t trained for. I had to do something no surgeon would ever do in the operating room. I had to learn on the job.

In the story that follows, you will learn that the title of this book refers to a kind of brain tumor — glioblastoma multiforme — that is almost 100 percent fatal.  My experience with this tumor made me ask questions about how I could honestly pray for my patients or give them news with any credibility or integrity when I already knew they would die. This moral dilemma put me in touch with my spiritual mentor, Phillip Yancey, who encouraged me to write about it.

I did, but I wrote a different book.

I thought when I wrote my story of being a combat surgeon at Balad Air Base in Iraq,  operating on soldiers, civilians, and terrorists alike while coming to terms with the end of one life and the beginning of another, that was the story. But often the things we think we know are just that — things we only think we know.

I have been a person of faith all my life. But I learned early on, in the trenches of a crumbling first marriage and the bunkers of the Iraq War, that dogmatic belief is not life sustaining. Only grace is worth believing in. Then with my patients and in my own story, I thought I saw grace disappear under the onslaught of brutal reality, a reality that could never be changed and that time would never heal.

I used to look at my patients brain scans, see the glioblastoma I knew would ravage their minds and destroy their lives in the coming months, and say to myself, I’ve seen the end of you. But in the aftermath of war, divorce, rebuilding, and then unimaginable loss in my personal life, I realized I was standing at the deathbed of my shattered faith.

I’d seen the end of me too.

So, I faced the greatest surgical challenge of my life; stitching together fatal cancers, dying children, and Christian cliches to heal the faith I’d lost and hoped to resurrect in some unforeseen new form.

What happens when our messy lives mess with what we think we believe?

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Following are just a few of my favorite excerpts from the book; the author’s words are in black, my comments are in blue.

“Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s famous five stages of grief were outlined to explain how people cope with the news that they are dying. The stages were not defined within the context of how people handle great loss in their lives, although they are commonly used in that way. God forbid you ever have to face such a time, but if you do, do not look for sense or order in the process, because none shall be found.”

Perhaps this book speaks volumes to me because I am afraid that I soon may “have to face such a time”.

First, I wake up with a sense of dread every single morning; will I find that my mom died in her sleep?  She’s 90 years old and certainty not in the best of health, in constant  pain, and throughout the day repeats her favorite mantra “Dear God, why won’t you let me die?“.  So, every morning I awaken with the fear that her own desire to go to The Great Beyond will be a self-fulfilling prophecy or, that God will finally answer her prayer. This book, like no other book I’ve read, is preparing me for that inevitable outcome.

Second, I wonder how much longer I have left in this world.  In 16 months I’ll be 70 years old.  (When did that happen??)  I see the daily obituaries, and the loads of people dying in their 60s, 50s, and even younger.  I am currently experiencing health problems (which shall remain private) that are causing me concern.  I’ve been a smoker my entire life.  I actually go to bed these days wondering if I’ll wake up in the morning … is it the smoking that’s causing my problem? … when will The Reality Shoe drop —> “you dumb bastard, did you think your decades of smoking will come without consequences??!“

My silent prayer as I fall asleep is “Please God, don’t let me die before mom! If you want to take my the day after mom dies, that’s OK with me. “.  My parents promised each other that they would NOT allow themselves to die in a nursing home.  We made that wish possible with dad, who died peacefully at home.  Mom wants nothing whatsoever to do with nursing homes anymore, she wants to die at home, her home.  And if I croak first, that won’t be possible.  So, please Dear God, just grant me this one prayer ….

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“When someone is hurting or brokenhearted, the Eternal moves in close and revives him…”  —–  Psalm 34:18

The author references quite a few Bible verses. Concerning the one above, he writes;

“I found Psalm 34 incredibly comforting … I could read those words, and even on the days when intellectually I wanted to shake my fist and declare my hatred for a God who would let my son die, in my spirit I knew the verse was true.”

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“My job then …. was clear: people need brain surgery. Not the literal kind I perform in the operating room but a kind of self-performed brain surgery to help us prepare our minds to handle the harsh realities of life and be able to find joy in the process. Life is hard, but we need to be able to survive it with our faith intact, find peace, and experience happiness anyway. To do that, we have to change our thinking about pain and suffering.”

I am currently reading a book on meditation.  One of things I learned is that the purpose of meditation is NOT to control our minds … that’s quite impossible … but to control how we REACT to the millions of thoughts that constantly stream into our brains.  I realized last evening that I truly do need brain surgery; that how I think about pain and suffering (i.e.; God is evil) is what is keeping me from ever seeing that lie, and from ever realizing that The Eternal wants to come close and revive me.  What a tragic way to live, or die.

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“Hope is faith waiting for tomorrow.”

One of the best definitions of “hope” ever!  He does a great job explaining what he means but, you’ll have to buy the book.  🙂

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I close these excerpts with this ominous warning from the author …

“If your life has been relatively pain-free up to this point, you are very blessed, and this book may seem somewhat abstract to you. But make no mistake: trouble is coming.  The question is; what happens then?”

Indeed!!  Whatchya gonna do when trouble enters your life? The way I see it, in terms of The Eternal One  your choices are; ignoring, cursing, or blessing.  This book is helping me see the Wisdom of the last option. 

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MY CLOSING THOUGHTS

This book will make you cry. I even had tears reading the acknowledgments. Not kidding.  But, don’t let that scare you.  This is a book about joy, about victory, about loving life, and God, even when things turn to pure shit. This book has opened my eyes regarding my own doubts, and anger, and even hatred at God …. and I think I may have found a way out of The Swamp.  But, I’ll have to read it at least one more time, slowly, and see what happens.

This final paragraph is to our Christian readers here, with specific mention to Eyes Wide Shut, Anon I, Wilbur Ross, and Grace Country Pastor (especially, you).  I have been a complete Jackass over the years.  I have mocked far to often the posting of Bible verses.  I have played the role of TBP Censor … you can post this, but not that … just don’t piss off The Great Stucky! 

I can not tell you how terribly sorry I am, how deeply I regret what I have done.  I dishonored you, as well as TBP. You may not believe me, you may think I’m playing some Jedi mind game … and I would not blame you one bit.  I’m not asking for you guys to suddenly like me, give me thumbs up, or tell me what a swell guy I am.  I don’t care if you do any of those things.  What I am asking of you, no begging … is please forgive me for the wrongs I committed against you.  My bullshit criticisms end today.  (My potty mouth?  Well,  don’t expect miracles!).  And if you do forgive me …

THANK YOU!!!!!!

THE END

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Author: Stucky

I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. View all posts by Stucky