Guest Post by Mary Christine
“I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.” – Booker T. Washington
“Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you, for as it springs up it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives.” Heb 12:15 TLB
I ask because I’m struggling with forgiving anyone associated with the mess we are in right now, particularly a friend and some family members. For the purpose of keeping this essay shorter I won’t make a list of all the wrongs we have seen perpetrated by governments, the medical industrial complex, media, and our own friends and family members.
Jesus commanded his followers to forgive. Indeed, The Lords Prayer includes this line “Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Any of us who claim to be followers of Jesus must take him seriously when he commands us to forgive. There are parables and instructions throughout the New Testament regarding forgiveness. Most Christians are familiar with the passage in Matt 18:21-35 where Peter asks how many times we should forgive. I wonder what he was thinking when he heard Jesus’s answer? I know what I’m thinking, stay away from someone who sinned against you 77 times, Peter!
I’m far from a Bible scholar and I’m not going to continue on as if this was a Bible study. However, I know I would not be able to forgive anyone without scripture, and the Holy Spirit to guide me. So, I will fall back on some material from past Bible studies.
I think part of the problem we have with forgiving others is we don’t really understand what forgiveness is, and what it is not. Furthermore, just who is the “those” that Jesus is talking about in his prayer?
We know for sure he is talking about personal relationships, our family members, friends, people we know personally, who have hurt us in various ways. Is he also talking about the entities who have perpetrated the ongoing chaos we are dealing with? Some of them have names but we don’t know them personally, others are nameless and faceless. I believe each one of us is only able to forgive personal affronts. But why even forgive anyone? Jesus tells Peter what happens to people who refuse to forgive in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. His master had him delivered to the torturers.
What lies behind unforgiveness? Anger, of course. We have a right to be angry with the perpetrators of chaos. We can see the damage it has done worldwide. Anger motivates us to want change. We want them to pay for what they have done. There should be consequences and reparations. How do we go about making this happen? That is a question I cannot answer with any certainty. You see Nuremberg 2.0 mentioned quite often. I would ask how well the first Nuremberg has worked? It concerns me, though, that once something starts, it could go badly, like French Revolution bad.
Those bigger questions will have to be left to someone else. I will just address our personal relationships. We can control whether we will forgive them, or not. Forgiving them could make an immediate difference in our lives, regardless of whether or not they ask for it. Carrying around the baggage of anger and unforgiveness can actually manifest itself physically putting us at increased risk of heart attacks, strokes, impaired immune systems and elevated cortisol.
So, what is forgiveness? I’ll start by stating a few things that it is not.
Forgiveness is not:
- Restoring trust
- Reconciliation may or may not happen.
- A hurtful incident can be remembered for a lifetime.
- Minimizing the offence
- Does not mean the offending person is never rebuked.
- Does not annihilate healthy boundaries.
- Does not mean there are no consequences.
- Overlooking
- Excusing
- Whitewashing
- Understanding
- The offended taking the blame.
The list is not comprehensive but those are the major points. So, what does forgiveness look like?
Forgiveness is taking hold of personal recovery from the infraction; not just waiting for the other to make amends. That allows the offender to be in control of the pain in your heart and life.
Forgiveness is a choice.
You must stop looking for replacement, repayment, or restoration.
Forgiveness means you quit replaying the offense over and over in your head. It also means you give up the “ghost” of the offense and cease dredging up old memories.
Forgiveness is hard work, and it’s costly. For believers, it’s covering the offense and the person with the blood of Christ. It is an act of obedience.
Choosing to forgive usually requires reinforcement.
If the person who offended you is toxic, forgiveness may mean you avoid that person, maybe forever. That would be a consequence the offender would have to live with.
So, what steps need to be taken to help us move towards forgiveness once we have made the choice to forgive?
We need to start by acknowledging the incident(s) by verbalizing or writing it/them down on paper.
Take your pain to the cross and take the other there with you in prayer form.
Remember Jesus’s blood was shed both for our own sins we committed, but also to remit the sins that have been committed against us.
By burying hurt and hate, we bury the possibility of healing that forgiveness offers. We should work towards forgiveness sooner rather than later, because we never know when we will draw our last breath.
I used to use this video when I led forgiveness Bible studies some years ago. It’s 14 minutes long and Rob Bell mostly reiterates what I have already said here. But it’s an excellent illustration for why we should work on this as soon as possible. If you are pressed for time, skip to 11:13 and just watch the last 3 minutes. It’s titled Luggage and shows a lady picking up her luggage at the baggage claim and dragging it with her through the airport to her car while Bell narrates his short teaching on forgiveness. I’m sure you understand what the baggage represents.
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I think the people that got together to write the Bible at the Councils of Nicea, screwed up when they first told you to turn the other cheek and then it tells you to turn your plows into swords, Which is it as you can’t have it both ways.
It looks to me like the real truth is in the Sumerian tablets.
“Turn the other cheek” must be considered in context, i.e., the times during which it was spoken and repeated. During the Roman occupation the Roman law stated that to strike a Roman cohort was punishable by death. These soldiers would try to instigate a response deserving death by taking food from a vendor without paying (while their senior wasn’t looking to point out that they had to pay). If the food stall vendor even touched the Roman, the offended would be put to death. So Jesus’ admonishment to turn the other cheek was to say don’t tempt death for there is nothing to be gained over a trivial matter. Turn the other cheek, let them have more food; they would soon tire of the game. And the vendor could live another day.
I think they screwed up when they appointed themselves “God’s Editor”.
The ultimate arrogance.
Give unto Pfizer, that which is Pfizer’s.
I can forgive when I hear the sound of their necks snapping at the end of a rope. Then, and only then it can be bygones be bygones. I’m more of an eye for an eye kind of guy. It’s the hate that compels me. Fuck them!
Mary Christine,
Thank you for spending your time on this. It was helpful to me. Peace…