Yessiree. Last Saturday Ms. Freud’s best friend Broomhilda (name changed to protect her identity) came over for a visit. She told Ms Freud that she came across this “incredible” business “opportunity” that she just “had” to share. We said ‘yes’ because this dear friend is a dear friend who helped Ms. Freud a lot when she had chemo.
I shall start with the conclusion. I am now a proud Amway Business Owner. The details ..
It’s all about “control”, Broomhilda said. Don’t I want to be in total control of my time, she asked? Fuck yes! Don’t I want to decide when I work (fuck yes), how long I work (fuck yes), how hard I work (fuck yes). Don’t I want to be in complete control of my future (goddamn, right I do.). My enthusiastic responses only encouraged her.
It’s also all about “family”. Do I want to work in a cubicle and the rat race or do I want to work where people care about each other, encourage each other, help each other, and make each other wildly successful? (At this point I’m wondering; “Why is Broomhilda throwing me these fucking softballs??)
It’s also all about “Financial Independence”. This part lasted almost an hour and I shall relay only a couple highlights.
One of her charts had a bunch of people on the bottom row, fewer people on the next row, and so on until there was just one person (ME!!!) on the top row. I said, “Hey, that looks like a pyramid!”. This startled her momentarily, but she recovered nicely; “Yes, it is. We call it the pyramid of success.”. Fucken A, this chick is quick on her feet and I got so excited that I noticed a slight movement, you know, down there.
So she tells me ALL I need to do is get seven people to join my business … (it’s soooo easy she said cuz the products are “world class” … and then all I gotta do is train those 7 people how to get their own 7 people. She said that with my “outgoing personality” (really) that I should be able to accomplish this in just 4-5 months. (I suspect she’s bullshitting me because when I first met her she later asked Ms Freud “What do you see in him?” … which is not, IMHO, a sign that I could get even one person, no less seven.) Anyway, she said I should be making $20,000+ per month in no time at all. Selling soap and shit.
Nevertheless … seven. Such a small number, really. I told Broomhilda that I was a Big Dog on a website that gets 10,000 hits a day. I think she had an orgasm right on the spot. She wanted to develop a “business development strategy” right then and there on how to “seed” the business. I told her the site Admin only makes $45 a year on Ad revenue clicks and that you all are generally a bunch of cheap-ass tightwads, and that I would get back to her. She then helped me understand my “circle of influence”, and told me start there.
I hit up my sister first. It was a short meeting. She told me to fuck off. I love her for that .. for not beating around the bush. I really didn’t want her to be part of my group anyway. She whines and bitches too much … plus she voted for Obama twice. I just wanted to sign her up so that I could fire her … like llpoh does. Everybody should be able to fire someone once in their life.
I can’t hit up my parents. My ex-wife is already in Melaleuca. My youngest son has two full time jobs. My oldest son is nuts. And, so, my “circle of influence” is drier than Joan Rivers’ vagina. And we got over a hundred bucks invested …. yeah, we bought some fucking products. Shut the fuck up.
So, that’s where you guys come in. WHO WANTS TO BE PART OF MY TEAM?? Fuck gold. Fuck silver. Fuck guns. Amway is the way to go!! I’ll get you stuff at wholesale. We’ll gang up on the Newbies and sign them up. We’ll all be rich in no time at all. What could go wrong?
Who will be first?
Sounds like a can’t miss opportunity, said the guy with a website that has 5 million visitors and generates $45 per year of ad revenue.
Hey, the government runs ponzi schemes, why not Herr StuckenSkinSoSoft, except the owner of Amway prefers to the term “pyramid scheme”
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Fuck that shit!
I_S
Amway saved me my life savings!
I was going to invest in Bitcoin this week, but startup costs for Amway prevented me. lol
Good thing. Yesterday Bitcoin was at $266. Today it’s at $52. Whew!!
.
http://www.informationliberation.com/?id=43537&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter
Selling Amway, the quickest way to alienate family and lose friends known to man.
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I did a project for a company (now defunct) that processed blue green algae and sold it via multilevel marketing as a cure for every ailment known to man. The algae was harvested from a irrigation canal that feeds off Klamath lake. Water was diverted from a small dam onto screens where workers squeegeed the goop into a pipe from where it was pumped to vacuum drums to remove much of the water. As the drums rotated, I noticed little eels sticking out. Extra protein.
From there, the shit was fed to a centrifuge to break the cell walls, and blend in the eels. After that it went to our system, the world’s first industrial scale direct osmotic concentrator, which used potassium chloride as an osmotic agent (to provide the osmotic pressure that drives the water across a membrane. While we were installing the equipment, the owner came in and pronounced it had a “good aura.”
After the concentrated algae solution left our stuff, it was freeze dried, pulverized and packaged in little bottles that sold for about the same price as cocaine after all the distributor markups were included.
Shortly after startup, their technical department decided to stop breaking the cells. Oh noes!!! This action made our system useless. We got paid so we didn’t really give a fuck other than hurt feelings and the inability to should to all the doubters, “it works afterall you dumb motherfuckers!”
A few months later, this company that had experienced such explosive growth that it became the mecca for the world’s drunken sailors went bankrupt after it was discovered that toxic red algae was mixed with the good green shit. Oh fuk!!!!
And then the owner went to federal prison for tax evasion…
Now admin, don’t you wish you had gone into engineering instead of that boring accounting shit? Look at all teh fun you have missed out on.
The above post is me. Stucky, get the fuck out of my head.
I never could figure out how these people get into Amway as I was almost sucked in 20+ years ago and looked at their products and the cost of said products. Assuming they were equal to good quality products available elsewhere (a big assumption, I know), the cost was WAY TOO MUCH. Why buy through amway and pay double or triple the cost of equivalent products elsewhere when the cost to you and others in the “system” is actually higher than not being in the system (unless you are a great con man and get a bunch of non thinkers to join up under you. Ah, I guess those are the two types in the system!)
I hear the amway soap goes real good with broomsticks up the A**
That is the way to buy a Bentley! Watch the cash reporting paper work though if it’s through a dealer! 🙂
AWD says:
“Selling Amway, the quickest way to alienate family and lose friends known to man.”
Wrong. That would be selling life insurance.
Killz hope I iz, piez in the skiez hopes iz not fer me
Sorry, Stuck, I hope you make a mint. The question is are you annoying enough?
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Stucky gonna be makin’ bank
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I’ve been approached with the ‘Amway’ routine a few times. My opinion? Who the hell wants to buy toilet paper by mail? No thanks.
Even KaD is abandoning me.
Fuckme. This is harder than I thought.
I have used Amway products in the past. Very high quality. But the downside was too high – you have to deal with Amway sellers. They are worse than Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists.
A friend of mine used to turn the hose on Mormons and the Adventists. When you are old you can get away with that stuff.
Hey Stuck,
I’ll be your first customer! I’ll give you the 25 bucks back that you never gave me for guessing the song quiz. Far out man, you made your first sale! What do I get for it?
Stuck,
Thanks, I needed that; I was crying from laughing so hard while reading that.
Prtrbd – you idiot you need to order the toothpaste, receive the toothpaste, and then tell Stuck to take the price off what he owes you. Then you have finally got the money he stiffed you on.
Do I have to do all the damn thinking around here?
I have actually used this technique on suppliers before. They hate it. They shouldn’t have stiffed me in the first place. I have a very long memory.
I will trade you some ‘Hour” bucks for your Amway sheep sweat.
http://www.hourdollars.org/
This is harder than I thought. -Stuchenpfeffer
TMI!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT SIGN ME UP
Stucky – That was funny as hell, as a former independent Amway business owner, cult member, I can relate to your experience. I still have boxes of product I bought to increase my own sales and be a good example to all the poor saps I was trying to recruit to start their own business, join cult. Good luck, show the plan, read the books, listen to the tapes, buy the products get the Bentley and big house. It’s easy………………
I had a friend back in the 80’s who turned his entire basement into an Amway warehouse and stocked it with his own money, he tried to sign me up to no avail. Within a year he was out of money, out of Amway and up to his eyeballs in laundry soap. LMAO
Thanks Stuck, great read
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Stucky – “I got so excited that I noticed a slight movement, you know, down there.”
you have people living in your basement?
a lot of people report phantom vibrations in their nether regions, it’s nothing.
“I told her the site Admin only makes $45 a year on Ad revenue clicks and that you all are generally a bunch of cheap-ass tightwads.” LMAO!!!
“A friend of mine used to turn the hose on Mormons and the Adventists. When you are old you can get away with that stuff.” –llpoh
Many years ago a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses rang my doorbell at 10 AM on a Sunday morning. I got out of bed, threw on my bathrobe and answered the door. Unfortunately for them I had morning wood that slipped out for a look. I wasn’t bothered by them ever again. When you are young you can get away with that stuff.
Many years ago I was at a mall that had one of those sidewalk sales where there was merchandise set up in the aisles. I was looking at some clothes, glanced around and saw these two young men wearing shirts and ties so I figured they were store employees and I asked how much this shirt cost. One said, “we don’t work here. Being a smartass, like admin, I said, “Oh, you must be mormons on a mission.”
They gave me a surprised look and answered, “how did you know?”
Z and Leo – funny stuff!
Stucky,
I was hoping to be your first follower. Sorry I’m late o the party.
Bob.
Stuck: I am very interested in your business model. It sounds very exciting. I was in Amway about 15 years ago now. I was prettty drunk when the guy came over to show me the plan. The tapes were pretty cool. I miss listening to some good high-quality motivational positve messages. Instead, I’m just listening to Led Zepplin re-hashed, at 11. Hmmmm……. Jimmy Page or Jerry Meadows??? Tough decision.
Anyway, I have been wanting to get back in; I think now that I’m a little more mature and self-confident, I could do a little better.
Question is, are you willing to fly to Texas to build a long-distance business? You know, You want a big business, you gotta treat it like a big business, and one day, you’ll have a big business!
hahaha Genuine Americana. The story is just spot on Mr. Stucky you nailed it. The perpetual pyramid scheme that is modern finance and retirement funds. Especially enjoyed your excitable come to Jesus moment when you figured your influence was the equivalent of Joan Rivers dried up vagina split my guts up howling on the floor. YOU THE MAN
I had a friend try to suck me into that Amway pocket picking vortex 30 years ago.I even went to a sales meeting with him…… that’s was such a source of amusement for years to come.
Stuck ,thanks for reminding of the Amway amusement ..comedy gold.
Stuck….I spoke with my financial advisors Dewey,Cheatham and Howe…they said it was a great deal. So sign me up…can I get my stuff on credit ?
During the recession in the early ’80’s I was 20 years old, married with an infant son. Our city had the highest unemployment rate in the country (it was a GM factory town with approximately 35,000 employed UAW members, now 0 employed UAW members).
Anyways, I was desperate for work. I saw an ad in the paper indicating that a new business was hiring. I called the number and they were very mysterious, but gave me a date, time and address for an interview.
I put on my only suit, the one I’d worn to get married in, and took my list of rederences and showed up for my interview. I was confused when the address took me to a suburban neighborhood.
Once I got inside there were several people in there waiting for the ‘interview’. Then they started this presentation, with flip charts, etc. It was fucking Amway! I got so pissed, I stood up and said something to the effect that they were a bunch of conmen, that had they been honest I would have never wasted my time, they could eat me and as I stormed out I kicked their chart over slammed the door and since I was blocked into their driveway I just pulled out through their yard, gunning my ’75 Trans Am, fishtailing out of their yard onto the street.
While I’ve grown mellow in my old age, I still think my actions were warranted. 😉
WooHoo!!!! PRAISE Da LAWD !!! I gots me my seven suckers, errr, Sales Associates.
The Magnificent Seven:
1) Administrator
2) prtrb’d
3) ThePessimisticChemist
4) Bostonbob
5) BUCKHED
6) Tim (yes, I’ll travel to Texas)
7) llpoh (yes, I am forcing you to sign up … you, in turn, can force 7 of your dumbass employees to sign up)
Thank you one and all!! Being kind and benevolent I already signed you all up and fronted your application fees. Now go sell some fucking soap, condoms, and vaginal cream. My Bently is waiting for me. VISUALIZE success people, and you WILL be successful!! Remember, “If it is to be, it’s up to me.” Hip hip hooray, we all believe in the Amway way!!!
(Thus endeth today’s rah-rah religious pep talk.)
I’m in stuck. Can I pay with carbon credits?
JJ3
Sadly, you waited too long.
Let this be a lesson for you , grasshopper. You must strike as quickly as a cobra when a gr-r-reat investment opportunity presents itself. Instead, you adopted the Way of the Turtle.
However, you are first in line on the Waiting List. I suspect you won’t have to wait long …. Admin can’t sell shit, and will need to be replaced by a more productive Associate.
I had one semester during college when I didn’t hold down a job. I thought I would try focusing on my studies and maybe try to get some scholarships.
Anyways, trying to study at our library was a waste of time during the week, thanks to the ridiculous number of pyramid schemes walking around. Everyone was trying to make a quick buck.
Its funny, I still see some of those people knocking around town. I don’t think a one of them ever finished their degree, though one can certainly make a great cup of coffee.
TPC
As I mentioned in the article, my ex-wife is in Melaleuca …. a pyramid model whose product revolves about the MIRACULOUS nature of the melaleuca plant.
She makes around $300 month. She basically gets “free” her monthly needs for soaps, vitamins, and personal care products.
But she’s been doing it for 20 years. In the process she alienated the entire western coast of Michigan. And she makes a SHIT pot of coffee.
“And she makes a SHIT pot of coffee.”
Unforgivable. My wife doesn’t always make coffee, but when she does its divine.
i wonder where eddie went, he was preaching about starting a business as a tax shelter. i am sure he would approve of your new venture.
i read somewhere that amway is the mlm leader that legitimized pyramid schemes, politely called multi level marketing, by pushing for protective legislation.
some i can think of off hand, avon, direct tv, herbalife, pre-paid legal, visalus, melaueca (you mentioned), nu skin…
i notice quite a few of the health mlm’s are based in or sourced in nevada.
as for the coffee, it reminds me that my buddy in hondoland said you have to be careful drinking coffee as a pretender may give you cafe de calzon, as flavorful as it may sound, said coffe has the effect of a love potion.
sorry for wandering but the above reminded me of a distant relative on a train trip in mexico, any point south of chihuahua is normally referred to as ‘el sur’ the south. he was on his way to the south when someone slipped him a mickey finn. the family found him weeks later in a strange town, he was out of his mind for a long time.
Hilarious. Today, we call this stuff “multi-level marketing”….
..comedy gold.
Jonathan Winters RIP
Jonathan Winters As An Airline Pilot
“network marketing” is another euphemism for pyramid schemes. Aside from Amway, there is also Market America, which has a lot more “sex” appeal what with its beautiful catalog and glossy magazine about the Miami Beach high life led by the company’s founders, OCEAN DRIVE magazine. I knew a huge number of Asian people here in Chicago into this, and I reluctantly joined briefly because my boss was involved in the nonsense, even though I absolutely HATE trying to recruit people into shit like this, especially friends… who will “unfriend” you very quickly when you start hassling them to join stuff like this.
Anyway…… I decided to see if I could have a little fun with this and decided to host a recruiting party. I bought lots of fancy refreshments, cocktail sandwiches and wine and the like, but my boss’s “upline”, a very bossy young Chinese woman, came over to my place under the guise of “helping” me and turned what was supposed to be a casual, fun, easygoing party into a Chinese fire drill- rearranging all my furniture and setting up rows of foldup chairs classroom style, then having reps of hers give speeches lasting 30 minutes, which bored and alienated the very people I’d hoped to recruit.
I was VERY unhappy, and told my boss, hey, this woman is our UPLINE, not our BOSS, she’s supposed to be helping us so we can pass revenue up to her, and yet she RUINED my chances at recruiting these people. I decided then and there that I’d had enough and would quit this shit. I told my friends to just ignore the speakers and just enjoy the food, forget about joining. I mean, I was flaming furious. I resented the monthly outlay of money in any case and told my boss flatly that I couldn’t really spare it.
The upshot is that since that time 5 years ago, the economy has gone into the tank and people no longer have the discretionary income to shoot on overpriced products that you can easily find for vastly improved prices at local outlets, and they sure don’t have $250 a month to commit to buying shit every month even if you don’t even want it. The bossy young Chinese lady, who was netting $6000 a month from her gullible, and knee-jerk obedient “downline” reps, lost all her reps and income, and ending up quitting. I believe she went back to waiting table or whatever she was doing.
The fastest most easy way to make piles of cash is make loans to people with other peoples money for a phenomenal fee. Once you’ve loaned billions of other people money to easy mark deadbeats you package the loans up into nice tidy bundles, give them a heavy shot of perfume and unload them on sophisticated investors for enormous phenomenal fees.
Then you repackage the bundles in to bigger bundles and sell the repackaged mega bundles of shit to sophisticated investors and get commissions, fee’s, charges, adjustments, bonus’s and bonus bonus’s. Those darn investors love to buy sophisticated bogus shit. But it gets better……..
Once you have sold lots of sophisticated mega sized shit bundles your now lofty financial empire qualifies you to get free money from the Fed to manipulate the precious metal and commodities markets for super mega phenomenal fees and biblical scale profit.
Don’t worry you will get the free money from the Fed and central bankers because they wouldn’t want untethered mega shit bundles to bursting all over the world. You keep doing this until you have done so darn well and everyone else has done so darn bad that the whole stinking, hypothecated mess is about to explode and is so massive and convoluted no one person can ever be held responsible. Then you go to the government and they get you some new investors to pump up your deflating mega bundle’s of shit and money to cover your ass. And you get an even bigger extra mega bonus bonus for making a bonus when you do this. These new investors invest if they want to or not because they are called tax payers. Then the whole thing is entirely their problem and the politicians can piss and shit over all the details that there is no hope of ever figuring out or fixing.
Next you either start all over again with what ever there is new to puff up beyond comprehension or become a CEO for a major corporation.
Stucky,
The above post was mine, I apologize for having doppled your ass because I forgot to fill in the name blank.
Bruce
Hilarious Bruce. Unfortunately, it’s true.
Stucky needs to start an investment bank and a hedge fund.