“I, Snail”

I was a human being once. Then, I died. Although once a fervent Christian, towards the later years of my life I had doubts as to whether or not God even existed, and if He did, surely he wasn’t some sadistic sumvabitch who would torture me forever for simply not knowing. Imagine my surprise when .025 nanoseconds after my Last Breath I met the Big Kahuna face-to-face.

I was rather surprised at how ordinary he looked. Oral Roberts once had a vision that God was 900 feet tall, so I was expecting that …. plus thunder and lighting and all kinds of winged creatures flying around his head with flaming swords.

You’re probably not going to believe this but He is only about 5’5”, has short gray hair, a raspy voice, wears glasses and a white suit, and He smokes a cigar. Nevertheless, the proper response upon seeing the Big Kahuna is to tremble. So, I did, and cried out, “Oh, God!”. Not one formality He said, “Oh shaddup! Just call me George.”

Huh!! I’ve known lot’s of George’s. They were all pussies. This might work out better than I thought. I’m wondering how big my Heavenly Mansion will be. I hope it’s near a golf course. I know a cranky old fucker who likes big tits who I suspect will be arriving any second now. I wanna be the first to meet him. He’ll think he’s in hell!! Haha

“YOU’RE going to hell”, said George to me much too nonchalantly.

Oh-oh, I got some ‘splaining to do.  “No way! That goes against everything I ever wrote about you, George. No way should you banish me to eternal doom & gloom just because of my doubts!”, I cried out.

“That’s not the reason, you nincompoop!” Taking a deep puff from His stogie, He went on to explain my Unforgivable Sin, “You broke the Solismart Covenant! ‘Thou shalt not post stoopid shit about Salt in a doom & gloom blog’.

Upon seeing me wailing and gnashing my teeth he said, “Jeebus, you’re such a pussy! OK, look, I’ll give you one more chance. You can go back to earth as a snail.”

“Fuckme. You’re a Hindu??!!!” And just as a third eye appeared in the middle of George’s forehead …POOOOF! ….. I found my ass leaking some slime in the middle of the street in some place called Mantua Square.  Oh, shit! That fuckin’ Honda Insight is bearing down fast on me! Phew! That was close. Thank George that pothole swallowed up that little crap car. I think the driver is with George right now.

I don’t know how many more of these close encounters I’ll survive. Especially if some Frenchie people spot me. So, I figure before I meet George for a second time I would write about My Life As A Snail. Not that anyone gives a shit about snails …. except my pal, llpoh. Eight things about ME …. this is for HIM.

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1)- When I was a human people often told me “Go fuck yourself!”. Now I can!! I am what humans call a “hermaphrodite”. Simply put, I have a dick AND a pussy! How cool is that? My biggest problem is that when I get horny, I’m not yet sure which organ to satisfy.

2)- If you see me, I’m sure some of you perverts will go all TSA on me. If you turn me over you’ll find a hole. You jagoffs will exclaim, “Look! There’s the pussy part!!”. Nope. That’s called my “breathing hole”, you asshole! Leave it alone!

3)- When I was human people often said my dick was so small I couldn’t see it when I looked down. I think AWD even posted a picture. Well, that problem is solved now. About the only thing I CAN see is my dick. You see, I have TWO sets of testicles; the upper set is where my eyes are! The lower set is where my “nose” is …. no wonder everything smells like shit.

4)- Speaking of small … I’m only a few centimeters big. But, I have an African brutha who’s about 12 inches long. Very python-ish. Human scientists call it a Stucky Snail.

5) I may be small, but I’m still one strong sonuvabitch, just like I was as a human, only more so. I can lift 10 times my own body weight. Not ONE of you cur bitchezz can do likewise.

6) I’m slower than dog-shit, though. Takes me about one minute to travel two feet, making me one of earf’s slowest creatures. Big fucking deal. Like a snail has places to go, or things to do?

7) I sleep a lot. I actually go into hibernation in the winter, and even in the summer if there’s a drought. I just shit all over myself with slime to keep me lubricated. I actually have a lot of body fat, so I don’t need to eat for a couple months. I can even eat dirt, when necessary. In other words, not much changed from when I was human.

8)- On second thought, maybe I should have prayed for that Honda to kill me. I can live for another 25 years! Damn. Twenty five years as a snail. Fuck me dead!!

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Some of you fags (NTTAWWT)  complained about my posts when I was human. I’m sure you’ll still bitch even though I’m now a snail.  BLOW ME! I can still crawl to your house and kick your ass.  Yeah, that’s right.

Actual picture of me … the new me … still kicking ass, when necessary!

Author: Stucky

I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. View all posts by Stucky