OBAMA GIVES POPE UPDATED BIBLE

Obama meets with the Pope, gives him a copy of the “New Progressive Bible”

The New Progressive Bible

Our latest strategy to lure the religious rubes into the progressive fold of the Democratic Party has resulted in a decisive victory at the polls last November. To solidify this victory and make it irreversible we must reconcile the defunct old Founding Fathers’ Bible with the progressive ideas of wealth redistribution and equality of outcome for all. But how can this be achieved if nobody in the progressive community can read the old Bible without dismissing it as an odious collection of outdated tales filled with unpleasant people, unhygienic brawlers, monarchism, and lunatic notions about the existence of God?

The New Modern Library, our affiliate that brought you Tolstoy’s War and Peace – What’s the Difference?, Ptolemy for Dummies, Dickens’ A Tale of Two Glorious Cities: Leningrad & Stalingrad, and Dante’s The Divine Limbo, has also brought that old curmudgeon, The Bible, up to date in a new, progressive edition.

The New Modern Library’s Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James “Superfreak” Version, and is suitable for any occasion – pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story. He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else.

Exactly half of the characters are women (50% of the kings are now queens). Solomon is Shirley. Very few of the characters are Jews. Some of them are mentally retarded; the rest are progressive minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself.

Every progressive Christian worth his/her/its “pillar of salt” is sure to enjoy the revised story of Moses, whose crusading band of Zionist aggressors ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the “Red Sea Massacre.”

Other revised inspirational stories of moral relativism include:

The Organic Garden of Eden
Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
Jonah Saves the Whale
David Appeases Goliath
The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
Judas The ACLU Lawyer
Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five “Whole Grain” Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes
Obama says: “I’m the anti-christ, so what?”

All versions of our Progressive Bible are wisdom-free. Everybody has some point of view, nobody knows anymore than anybody else, and everybody is right. We leave out any opinion that might smack of narrow-minded and provincial ethical piety.

The New and Revised Ten Progressive Commandments are a Pentecost for our time. We tell everybody to do the opposite of those silly old Jurassic edicts. We honor all kinds of equality, moral relativism, and hate of bigotry that make our enlightened age, if still a nightmare, better than the past.

The New Modern Library has already quietly replaced the old, fossilized books in many progressive churches and motel chains with our zippy new versions.

– See more at: http://thepeoplescube.com/current-truth/the-new-progressive-bible-t992.html#sthash.ol5Shtkt.dpuf