Let’s face facts. The “manliness” you hear old people talking about is outdated and tired. It’s time to move on from the prehistoric concepts of masculinity and onto the new way to be male. Here are 12 things considered “manly” that are now woefully obsolete. Along with each, we’ve proposed a better, more up-to-date alternative.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #1: Chivalry
Any idea that has been around for more than thirty years is old hat. Chivalry, if it were a hat, would be one of those stupid ruffly hats they wore in old French paintings. It is an archaic practice that assumes women can’t accomplish basic tasks such as opening doors, pull seats out from tables, and walk without holding onto some man’s arm. It’s time to retire this tired, sexist trope that parades around pretending to be a form of respect and admit women have no need for male door charity.
INSTEAD: Get a Sex Change and Beat the Tar Out of Women in MMA
True respect for women requires drastic, body-altering measures. Instead of opening doors for women, consider getting a sex-change and opening up wounds on women’s skulls in the octagon. Instead of pulling out chairs for women, pull a woman’s arm out of its socket. If you want women to know you consider them equals, quit body-shaming and start body slamming.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #2: Helping Old Ladies
The ageist concept of helping old ladies cross the street, carry groceries or use Skype has been an oppressive thorn in the side of the elderly for centuries. Men can’t seem to find anyone who they think doesn’t need their help, even people who have nearly 100 years of experience at doing things. That’s just arrogant.
INSTEAD: Dox Some Teenagers
A true man finds kids with differing political views online and does everything within their power to destroy their pathetic little lives. See a kid in a MAGA hat smirking on YouTube? It’s time to man-up and sic the entire internet on that impish little twirp. Find their home address, phone number, high school, Facebook page, and any other personal information then immediately make it public. The child will be bombarded with death threats, harassment, and maybe even physical violence, but you will be overwhelmed with a true sense of accomplishment.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #3: Fixing Things Around the House
It’s common knowledge that things don’t break anymore. I mean, come on. It’s 2019, people. Fences last forever, plumbing never leaks, and tools are just overpriced symbols useful only for testosterone-signaling. Besides, home ownership in itself is patriarchal. A true man rents a pastel-yellow townhouse in a suburb with all maintenance included in the rent. Men who make their own repairs are stealing work from the lower class because they hate poor people and, even worse, are racist against migrants.
INSTEAD: Learn Interior Decorating
A real man learns how to tie a room together by picking the right throw pillows, shopping for shabby chic antiques, and repurposing old furniture using chalk paint and sandpaper.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #4: Grilling Meat
What purpose could a grill have that a microwave cannot accomplish? The grill is a tool for desperate males to labor over in an attempt to assert their relevance in a culture long past the cave-times of cooking with actual fire. Besides, eating animals is murder. Do you want to be a real man? Eat only kale.
INSTEAD: Grill Your Stupid Face
If you are a male, you probably have a stupid face. If you want to grill something, grill that. For bonus points, grill your face until your lips fuse together so that you’ll stop all the obnoxious mansplaining too. That’s true manliness.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #5: Fighting and Self Defense
Hey macho man, ever heard of the cops? You don’t need to learn to defend yourself, and the very idea that you need to defend anyone else is elitist, sexist, racist hogwash. True men don’t worry about defense; they worry about offense. If you aren’t actively finding things to be offended by, you don’t need to defend yourself; you need to check your self.
INSTEAD: Roundhouse Kick Pro-Life Women
If you must exert physical dominance and retain your man card, kick a woman who is so stupid she doesn’t even want an abortion. That’ll teach her. Even better if she is pregnant, then you can say it was two against one.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #6: Fatherhood
It’s time to retire meaningless terms like “father” and “dad”. While toxic masculinity has been on the rise, thankfully, fatherhood has been on the decline. You take the good with the bad. It’s been scientifically proven that children are best raised by government agents or lesbians. Dads aren’t just optional, they’re a problem. It’s time to stop messing up kids by forcing them to call some inconsequential sperm donor “daddy.”
INSTEAD: Enjoy Some Casual Abortion
Instead of burdening children with your male insecurity and need for control, kill them legally in clinics across the country. Real men sleep with as many women as possible without any intention to start a family because it is well known that families are bad for the environment. Suppressing your sexuality is the worst thing you can do as a male and modern abortion laws give men the opportunity to do pretty much the only thing they are good for and that’s impregnating women so they can discover the wonderful, life-changing experience of having an abortion.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #7: Disciplining Children
Do you discipline your child? Please say yes so I can immediately call CPS on you. What is this, the dark ages?
INSTEAD: Dress Your Children in Drag and Put Them On TV
Is your child showing signs that they may not be your stereotypical male or female? Does your son show some interest in feminine things, such as wearing a bracelet here and there or the color pink? Immediately get that kid some hormone blockers, some lingerie, and get them dancing in a gay strip club. There is no time to lose because if you do not embrace your child’s curiosity now, he or she could move on and become another cisgendered breeder. Who needs more of those? Everybody knows that there is no better time in your life to lock into your sexuality than around 8 to 10 years old.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #8: Cigar smoking
Not only is smoking one of the main sins against God (source: the 10 commandments), secondhand smoke literally murders billions of people every minute. One puff of a cigar and people start dropping like flies. Smoking is for genocidal maniacs with a big ego and no compassion.
INSTEAD: Start Bra Burning and Become a Feminist
Women don’t need your help holding their purse, they need you to hold up some picket signs and strain your vocal cords shouting down the patriarchy. Women know that a man parading around at a women’s march, especially one involving nude female protesters, is a trustworthy, selfless ally.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #9: Earning your living
There is no more misguided philosophy than the tired cliche of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and trying to earn a living. There was a time when these sort of cute, antiquated notions were useful, but now there are tons of rich people who have already taken all the money which means trying to achieve financial success is completely futile.
INSTEAD: Demand a Living from the Government
A true go-getter goes and gets money from the government. Robots are taking all the jobs anyway. It’s time the government started sending everyone free money. It takes a real man to demand free money and to resist the capitalist lie of hard work.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #10: Opening Pickle Jars
Every man wants to be the pickle hero. But in this day and age, if a woman can’t twist the lid off of a jar of pickles, she can— and should— simply smash the jar against a wall for being so oppressive. Why should a man step in and ally himself with a jar that wasn’t willing to respect women? That’s not masculine. That’s alt-right-pickle-adjacent behavior at best.
INSTEAD: Open Borders
Find a border and tear it down. Prove your hate for walls by destroying any wall you see. Find a map and white-out any border lines. Don’t waste another minute trying to open a jar when there are borders everywhere oppressing basically everyone.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #11: Riding ATVs
The idea that any vehicles are needed besides Uber is pure American greed. An ATV is nothing more than a toxic-masculinity bike that destroys the environment.
INSTEAD: Contracting STDs
Throw off the shackles of monogamy and sleep with as many women as possible. Men collect many things such as stamps, car parts, oil cans, and beer bottles. But there is no more truly manly joy than a thriving and growing collection of STDs.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #12: Partying
Parties of any kind, where males are involved, are unsafe. The drinks are drugged, there are beer pong balls flying everywhere, and someone is definitely going to get punched. These barbaric gatherings should have been outlawed a long time ago.
INSTEAD: Join the Communist Party
Let’s just get right down to it: Communism. If men would all just become gender-neutral communists, all of the other problems on Earth would sort themselves out. Sadly, real gender-neutral feminist communism has never been tried.
Now get out there and make masculinity great for the first time in history!
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You are being lied to, Miley. Hold on to your nuts. Don’t follow the faggot crowd.
Has YouTube banned y’all from posting vids on TBP? I see the monkey with the hammer every time. Different browsers.
Mr Coyote. That was a great video. Thank you for sharing it.
Riding ATVs is less manly and more stupid.
I can still open pickle jars, but sometimes it takes a match of best of five because of a bad thumb.
My young kids made me give up cigars. They would stand in front of me, cry, and tell me they did not want me to die of cancer. And I only smoked 5 a year. Man, little kids are tough to say no to.
My nephew said his young daughters decided to do an intervention once when he was smoking a cigarette, “you’re doing drugs” they informed him.
12 unmanly things being promoted as normal behavior. It all started when Bruce Jenner was awarded a presidentila medal not for his Olympics efforts but for acting like a girl. As the government got bigger and the media got bigger and the googles and amazons got bigger, the little guy got littler. Now we bark on command and roll over and die.
Do you know why America voted for Trump? Because he talked of grabbing pussy. That won’t work in ’20. However, let us support his efforts to kick Democrat pussy in ’20.
does this mean that yipper is officially on the trump train?
It means, Tampico, that I have been bitching about the Democrats since the time the strung along Hispanics telling them they would get immigration reform done once they were in office. Fuck them. Fuck Hillary. We are getting more from Trump than we could get from the Democrats. Hell, we got so much more from Uncle Ronnie.
I reserve the right to bitch about any president, ok?
Dude, that is the single funniest GD comment I have ever ead on TBP – any website, idgaf what website – EVER – OMG I can’t even fucKindf tyoea
Nope, wrong. America doesn’t care (obviously) when men talk that way. He promised to stop the invasion. He hasn’t. Real men – manly men, don’t make excuses for their failures.
Brilliant!
And to think that some dumbass ruined my day by trying to convince me that this article was purely satire…
This article is truth…no satire.
I started laughing and then like halfway through I realized its not actually that funny, since most of this stuff is true to at least some degree. Kinda like watching Idiocracy. I used to think that movie was hilarious until it all started happening in real life, now its just kinda sad.
What they are pointing out, Gatorblade, is that this shit is not manly and yet there are no men around to cry foul. How the fuck are white men going to rescue white women when they can’t even knock on some dude’s door to kick his ass old school style?
Advice to the younger dudes. Chivalry will never go out of style. Practice it constantly. Don’t expect much in the way of thanks, when you find it, you’ve also found a keeper
Excellent!
Satire is usually truth…my ‘triggered’ thoughts:
It is easy to spot boys, young men, men, middle-aged men, and old men who relish their masculinity.
Being male and masculine is foundational to them…it is FUN! They don’t just like who they are, they are not just comfortable at being male at every stage of life, they excel at it, and they revel in the various testosterone and maturity life/aging experiences (good, bad and ugly) and pleasures of each stage. (Yea, yea, I have arthritis too… I have a sign in my house for everyone: Quityourbitchin).
Masculine men learn over the decades on how to deal with their immaturity, mistakes, Indy 500 sex drive, bravado, false invincibility, faults, talents and skills, and the slow decline of everything but their experienced based knowledge, wisdom, maturity and the snugger fit every decade within their own skin.
Now, everything I said above can be said for girls, young women, women, middle-aged women and old women, just substitute estrogen. BUT, I know nothing about them 100% except…since I came out of one of their vaginas…I have been fighting, and maneuvering, and sweet-talking, and spending money to get back into other vaginas. Then I found my home vagina…and married the woman who reveled in our union and her estrogen balancing out my testosterone. Oh yea, it was obvious she was one of the ‘borrowed ribs’ that thought sex was fun! (One of the top 50% of the gender – forget the other 50% for any length of time).
The masculine hand needs to be in the estrogen velvet glove every chance he gets.
The innate traits that separate those boys, young men, men, middle-aged men, and old men who swim and navigate the rip tides, deepening waters, storms and hurricanes from the others who are not as comfortable (in their same stages of life), those who struggle with or are in doubt of or are not as proficient with their masculinity – at every stage for different reasons – are not hard to spot.
I’m not saying that some men who relish their masculinity can’t be assholes or even toxic…but of course the ‘toxic’ word is reflected in three of Saul Alinsky tactics…out of his 12 RULES FOR RADICALS to attack American men.
5. “Ridicule is man’s most potent weapon.” (Debase real boys, young men, men, middle-aged men, and old men who relish their masculinity – break down the family and especially American men in general and highly masculine men in particular.).
6. “A good tactic is one your people enjoy.” (We know who debasing masculinity and why they are…it’s a long list)
9. “The threat is usually more terrifying than the thing itself.” (Yea, don’t be so sure about that Commies, real masculine men are not just dangerous…they can be deadly when pushed too far too many times).
Gotta level with you, Mark – I hear you and even feel you BUT . . . damn it ain’t that “easy” for some us – not that it’s been easy for you but hear me out —-
When I was younger, I found, knew, and loved that “borrowed” rib – and she was thirteen years my senior. Everybody said I fell in love with Maggie-May . . . which made her laugh, actually, and what a laugh; she was a fine woman, beautiful, sensuous, smart, funny, and I made her LAUGH [and curl into a little ball 🙂 ] . . . and when she moved away, I let her go. In part, HER insecurities drove me to it, and the judgment I received from EVERYBODY else drove ME to it . . . and 25 years later I MISS that woman. I am 45 now. I have been almost married and broken up (after 7 years), married, divorced, and with another . . . and since that golden time, sex is a tool, exercised to attain what THEY want . . . and then nothing. At this point, I am like the Apostle Paul . . . if you are single it is better to remain single, or Solomon: It is better to eat beans is a hovel than to feast in a castle with a contentious woman. Near as I can tell, those “borrowed ribs” are rarer – MUCH rarer – than . . . bitches.
That said . . . here’s a vid for everybody who does not know Mark:
niebo,
I have no doubt how lucky I am and maybe I got the percent’s wrong on women…originally I had it at 25% to 75% and then changed it to 50% – 50%. There have been many woman in my past who used sex like Mel Gibson used a battle hatchet in the Patriot. I learned to throw them all away like a frag without the pin.
Now, I had a HS love and got engaged my 3rd day home from Nam. It wasn’t puppy love it was real…and she was a jewel…but 18 months later she left because I returned so different…and then got married six months later on the same day we were supposed to. OUCH!
Candidly I was riddled with PTSD and didn’t know it. Now, that hurt, my heart almost bled out. But, you have to be careful with past love overshadowing future lasting happiness.
I vowed I would never stay with another woman until I found one as good or better than the first love…and I got lucky (on a chance meeting on Bourbon Street of all places) five years later.
45 is a wonderful age/stage for finding ‘all’ that the right union can bring. The toys have been put away, maturity and wisdom are starting to get grey, both contenders for union have the experience and scars to know themselves well and want they want.
I think you are in PRIME TIME to find the real love of your life.
Yeah, that sucks. And as far as riddled with PTSD, I am reminded of your poem, “. . . but I didn’t.” Before he died, my best friend was a psychologist with the VA, and he had several patients who fought in Vietnam who suffered with severe PTSD; a couple were institutionalized and had been for decades. He also had patients who fought in Korea and a handful in WWII. He noticed that the rate of PTSD was/is higher for vets from VN, and he explained to me that the guerrilla tactics/ROE were different; that no one “knew” who the enemy was because even so-called friendlies killed a lot of Americans, and that the fighting in many cases was around-the-clock, which led to sleeplessness/insomnia, sleep-deprivation, hyper-vigilance, and, ultimately, panic (and long-term panic disorders). He regretted that, while he only saw a few, his impression was soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan had more in common with Vietnam vets than with those from WWII and Korea. All that is to say that, that you came back “different” is not a surprise, because that “conflict” TOOK a lot from too many. And as far as “the girl”, I guess, at the very least, you “weathered” the for-better-and-for-worse on the front side, which may have saved you some heartache NOT TO MENTION that is set you up for where you are NOW, which is obviously a good thing.
And, yeah, I am greying. And, well, at this point, my expectations are low enough that I am not often disappointed, regardless, and I’m not too cynical that I do not accept beauty where I find it. So . . . I’ll remain open to what awaits, I guess.
And thanks for the good word!
Is jerking off obsolete?
Not if you are viewing tranny porn.
Can I still pee standing up …and do I HAVE TO put the seat down every time?
Eventually, they will outlaw urinals. We’ll be wearing dresses.
Yeath. Bit only if yu beeen drinkinf
No, if you have to put it up she has to put it down, only women can pee on the underside of the seat.
This is the worst M-F’ing article ever. LOTS of really bad GD advice. Read this and follow it ONLY if you want to face eternal damnation, GCP style.
And I don’t give a f*ck if that’s politically correct or not.
I mean, number 1 – chivalry has gotten me laid a bunch of times. And the white chick kicking that other ethnicity is HOT.
🙂
TBP ROCKS!!! Wahoo!!!
ROTF, gut-busting funny! Can we get a list of new “lady-like” behavior, too? What’s happened to women in this society? If they’re not outright porn trash, or jailbating, they’re covered in burqas? What’s happened to fashion? I guess it died when it was taken over by gay men who secretly wanted to be women. Yeah, where IS Coco Chanel? I ain’t giving up my pearls for nobody.