A Handy Guide Too Using Good Grammar

Via The Babylon Bee

When you read the internets, it’s really common to come across people abusing the rules of good grammar. What a nightmare! We at The Babylon Bee want to do our small part to make the internet a safer place for grammar nuts to enjoy without the possibility of being triggered.

Thus, we’ve identified some common, problematic grammartical use cases and listed them here. Use these handy tips, and you to can be a grammar whiz in no time!

• There, They’re, or Their: These three are completely interchangeable, so use whichever one you want. Sometimes you can even switch up which one you use in the same sentence, even though the meaning is the same, just to keep the reader on they’re toes. Using different forms of “there” really spices up your writing, especially if you’re writing in a church bulletin or typing up the worship lyric slides.
• Your vs. You’re: “Your” means “your” and “you’re” means “you’re.” But instead of trying to remember this, just class up your writing a bit and use “yer.”
• Who or whom: Use “who” if you want to sound ignorant. Use “whom” if you want to sound smart. When you say “who,” you’re saying, “I’m a moron!” When you say “whom,” you’re saying, “Look whom’s the smartest person in the room, you worthless plebs.”
• Splitting infinitives: There’s never a need to carelessly split an infinitive. Theoretical physicists believe that splitting an infinitive may result in a nuclear reaction, so be real careful!
• Semicolon: Do not use unless yer name is Jane Austen or JRR Tolkien.
• Parallelism: You have to learn to spell, to use good grammar, and when it’s a good idea to use parallelism.
• It’s vs. its: “It’s” is possessive; that’s why it has the apostrophe. “Its” is obsolete and is only used by crotchety English teachers. Don’t even bother with “its.”
• I before E, except most of the time: Always remember to put an I before an E, except, like, most of the time. There’s literally like one word that’s I before E, honestly.
• Commas: Use commas along with a conjunction to separate independent clauses. Don’t even bother with dependent clauses. Dependent clauses are a huge pain. They eat all your food, live in your basement, and then whine when you want to claim them on your tax return. Back in my day, clauses were independent the moment they turned 18. Now, they’re dependent well into their 30s.

Common spelling mistakes:

• “Occccassssion” is often misspelled as “occasion.” A good rule of thumb is to just dump as many c’s and s’s as you possibly can into the word to be safe.
• “Rithem” is often misspelled as “rhythm.” Just type it out how it sounds, people, and you can’t go wrong.
• “Winds-Day” is often misspelled as “Wednesday.” It’s the windiest day of the week—this is a good way to remember how to spell it.
• “Curriculum” is often misspelled all kinds of different ways. You know what? Screw it. Who made up this stupid word? Write it however you want.
• “Bologna” is often misspelled as “the prosperity gospel.” Oftentimes, people write out “the prosperity gospel” but it’s actually spelled “bologna.” “Baloney” is also acceptable.

There you have it. Let us know if this was helpful, so we can give you more good grammer tips in the future.

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